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Post by treetop on Jul 11, 2020 22:22:57 GMT
Hi, I got talking to my 14 year old the other night and I’ve known for a long time about him being anxious about thing. When he came to us he was quite angry for the first few months and was lashing out at me. Move on seven years and other than typical family/teen arguments we haven’t seen any of this kind of behaviour or even a hint of it. Now he tells me he’s always had feelings of anger and rage and has always struggled to hold it in to himself! How do I deal with what he’s told me? He’s just gone into fourth year and lockdown plus school work really wasn’t easy for any of us but I worry it may have brought out old feelings . I went over what we went over back then and said we need to find ways to control it. I talked about walking away, breathing, not reacting ... I feel like it’s been so long since we had any of this that I’m out of touch with what to say and it’s kind of taken me aback a bit
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Post by moo on Jul 12, 2020 8:03:21 GMT
Hi treetop....
We too have exactly the issues you discuss it seems soo tuff as hormones are morphing the issues further making boys managing old & now new impossible  ....
Skweek is by far (surprisingly) the worst but a breakthrough this week as he was able to explain more of his frustration & it appears to be lockdown led... uncertainty & fears re spike because of visitors to our county not social distancing, lost routines, lost friendships because of isolation..... it has made it easier to deal with to help him get out frustration.... he can now go running & cycling again... physical activity has always channelled both boys frustrations...
We have managed some great guessing conversations which has been great for bonding & his self awareness...
I hope this 'talking' angle will work for you too ... at least we can all now start planning to let off steam outside or even plan ss involvement via asf therapy....
Sorry not better advice to add.... hormones in our mix has made for very 'different' management & therapeutic parenting .... I am worn out too as two hormonal boys 24/7 has truly blown my mind... finding it hard to get me time as no respite to my good cop bad 👮♂️ bad cop stuff...
Sending hugs xxx please keep posting I am sure others will be along soon with tips xxx
Xx moo xx
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Post by mudlark on Jul 12, 2020 18:45:35 GMT
Hi Treetop, My son is only 10, but I recognised the return to 'old feelings' which he has also had for the same reasons as Moo mentioned, loss of friendships, routines, fear, anxiety, all caused by Lockdown and the atmosphere of uncertainty over the last few months. His rage is nowhere near as scary as it used to be but I have noticed it surfacing a little over the last weeks. I do the same 'guessing' 'wondering' that Moo talks about, I empathise 'It must be so awful for you, you must feel so angry,' etc I praise him for not hitting or punching and that is genuine praise as I know how much superhuman effort it takes for him not to be physical. I think the last 3 months has been an ordeal for us all, for adopted children who fear uncertainty and loss, who crave security it has been and still is such a triggering time. Sorry to have no magic words of wisdom, I hope you will be able to talk to your son and use the obvious excellent relationship you have to help him to articulate his anxiety. Take care of yourself. M.
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Post by treetop on Jul 12, 2020 23:15:29 GMT
Thanks for your replies. Yes the 14 year old hormones have well and truly struck here! He’s not actually been aggressive or lashing out for a long time but he certainly does show me signs of moodiness and pretty much being stroppy, rude, not wanting me in his space.... the teenager stuff. I must admit and I don’t like myself for it but it does get my back up at times. I get how hard it must be for him not seeing friends, being stuck with me as a teacher etc as I’m rubbish at it but I’m trying my best to keep him on track. Dh leaves it up to me which also gets my back up so yeah I rant and rave constantly no doubt..! I would love ds to be more active and go out for exercise, but he refuses. He’s been in every club you could mention over the years but he leaves not long after when he gets bored.
We always knew old feelings could pop up again in the future so just hope we can keep things steady, try and talk it out or find a way to deal with it. I wish I could get him interested in activities that might actually lift his kind but he just keeps saying he’s not interested in anything and doesn’t want to do anything. How do I encourage it?
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Post by moo on Jul 13, 2020 7:08:46 GMT
I have found encouraging passions impossible 
baa loves to play & perform it is one of his major compulsions.... but... because he cannot play, perform, have lessons he can see no point.... it has made his managing very very difficult...
My boys need a target,goal to match routines so this lack of certainty of (new) normal life resuming impossible to cope with  so I understand ds's view as my 2 cannot see any point at all.... mine have enjoyed bike riding lots it seems to be their only exercise ( even skweek a huge runner cannot face running as he cannot see when he will get to run with others even in September back at school  )
Sending more hugs 🤗 hang in xxx
Xxx moo 🐮
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Post by serrakunda on Jul 13, 2020 17:58:49 GMT
Whilst being a great advocate of keep 'em moving,( I used to run Simba ragged!) ultimately I think the only way to deal with it is to get to the bottom of what's causing the anger and for then to come to terms with their pasts.
Simba was so very angry from about 10 to 13/14. To be honest he astonishes me know with the level of maturity with which he can express and discuss his feelings. The anger is still there but on the whole its expressed appropriately and not in a physical way.
I think its really positive that he can tell you this - maybe its time for theraputic work
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....
so I understand ds's view as my 2 cannot see any point at all.... mine have enjoyed bike riding lots it seems to be their only exercise ( even skweek a huge runner cannot face running as he cannot see when he will get to run with others even in September back at school 
)