|
Slapping
Feb 10, 2020 12:43:34 GMT
via mobile
Post by flutterby on Feb 10, 2020 12:43:34 GMT
Today I've stayed home with LO as no school due to adverse weather conditions. I prepared a timetable for LO last night to ensure things would run as smoothly as possible. Built in choices (they were all going to happen but it was more do you want to do X first then y or the other way round?).
So we had a lovely morning, really unusual in that there simply was no behaviour, it was a morning like I would have had them with my birth children once upon a time.
LO was allowed a couple of episodes of her favourite programme before lunch. I let her know 5 mins beforehand that it was time to switch off and she agreed to this.
She then went 'no, I'm going to eat in front of the telly'. I said she still had to switch it off. She grabs the remote, positions herself in front of the telly and says 'no, you bring my food now'. So I tried to walk past her to switch it off, as the longer I get into disagreements the more dysregulated she gets. She pushes in front of me, opens her arms wide. Split second later she slaps me hard in the face across my forehead and nose. Puts her hand on her hip and smirks, 'what do you want, I had to defend myself' cocky voice, copied straight from a programme she is no longer allowed to watch because it was affecting her behaviour.
I really don't know how to deal with these Jekyll and Hyde changes in her. She genuinely seemed relaxed in the morning, we even had a giggle together, she was happy to follow instructions where necessary and I gave her choices so she would feel safer.
I am always left reeling when she becomes violent out of the blue. I'm used to it at other times and know when to expect this, but these split second changes leave me depressed and unable to connect with her for quite a while. She is "happy" to treat me this way and she has got no right to do this. But I am at a loss how to best tackle this. Please no NVR suggestions. Looking for different strategies.
As soon as the telly was off - I switched I off immediately without saying anything after the incident, she switched back to friendly child, smily, happy, would not be able to tell what had just happened. Wish it had been caught on camera.
|
|
|
Post by moo on Feb 10, 2020 17:30:41 GMT
Hugs flutterby xx
Sounds very scarey & unspottable more worryingly...
My 2 firmly into testosterone fuelled madness occasional jekyll switch but never physical more shoutey iykwim.... I sadly have to resort to carrot rewards to calm the waters... tuff as the 'R' word ( responsibility) Is our goal & it always feels a cop out & toddler managment! 😣 to have to wheel 'em in this way ....
The 'switch' is so sudden almost knee jerk, but obviously they don't want to stop a fun activity when they know it is not fun stuff next?!!.. baa in particular quickly gets very remourceful & apologises... seems to really mean it too... We have started the curious guessing... I wonder if you are doing this because maybe.... do you think it is..... mummy thinks maybe you are feeling......but how we can try that for you.... I am not being helpful..... a fast slap like that must be impossible to fathom or recover from... so hard bring tears to your eyes....
Has your therapist had some sparkling insight to offer.... would reward work for you ( xtra tablet time... 5 more mins dvd )
Diffusing the anger & getting clear thinking here is always so hard, always takes so long.... for you I cannot imagine how you can diffuse & therapeutically parent with watering eye & broken heart xxxxx
Sending you hugs xxxx You dealt with it brillantly, no big deal, no reaction, business as usual... you were brilliant xxx
Sorry not to have been more helpxxx Sending you coping juice for battery rechargingxxxc hugs xxxx
Xx moo xx
|
|
|
Post by flutterby on Feb 11, 2020 7:39:20 GMT
Thanks, Moo. The strange thing was that later before going to bed she looked at me and said that she was proud of herself because she had not hit me that day. I reminded her of the lunchtime incident and she had this puzzled look on her face like she was wrecking her brain. Then said, but that was the day before. She genuinely believed it too. I am really worried about her mental state. She seems to disassociate, wants to be close, has violent outbursts and very deliberate ones a lot of the time too. They are no longer a 'I can't help myself' but more of a 'I'll show you' taking time to think how to cause the most hurt and pain.
I have been doing wondering for years, trying to help her to make connections. Works very occasionally at best these days. It seems all information, help, strategies are absorbed, digested and then turned around to be used against me. NVR, no longer cares if people speak to her. Parent reward chart (where I got a treat for her behaviour) worked the longest of any strategy we have used where I thought we had finally cracked it. Until she decided one day that she was going to take control of it and give me stickers. No more impact, it was meaningless from then on. The list is endless. Well, we have got our appointment at a psychiatric unit Friday. Let's see what their take is on things. Shame my black eye is nearly back to normal now. Would have been good for them to see this.
|
|
|
Slapping
Feb 11, 2020 14:32:12 GMT
via mobile
Post by chotimonkey on Feb 11, 2020 14:32:12 GMT
Flutterby, so sorry to hear this. Must be so hard for your mental state not knowing when these episodes are likely to burst forward.
No real advice. Just I’m sorry this happened to you and sending lots of love. Hope Camhs cab help. I’ve been pleasantly surprised with the way they’ve worked with my little hurricane howler and her big emotions.
Keeping my fingers crossed for you Xx
|
|
|
Slapping
Feb 11, 2020 14:48:46 GMT
via mobile
Post by flutterby on Feb 11, 2020 14:48:46 GMT
Thanks for your words of support, Choti. Butterfly has already had 2 years of intensive psychotherapy (3x week) with CAMHS. Sadly it made no difference. Just had a meeting with school and they say they cannot meet her needs and she needs to transfer to special school by September. That's another thing to sort out and another big change for her. See what the Psych has got to say on Friday.
|
|
|
Slapping
Feb 11, 2020 21:10:36 GMT
via mobile
moo likes this
Post by leo on Feb 11, 2020 21:10:36 GMT
She sounds very like my Tsunami. He has huge issues with dissociation and has no awareness of what he does when in that state.
9 years in and he still struggles with any affection from me or even being too close to me. He has just started to sometimes give a quick hug - but only on his own terms. He rarely completely goes into fight mode now but even this week in therapy he was aiming/throwing things at my head - and thinking it was funny. He then took a theraplay game too far and was deliberately using far too much force and hurting me.
It is incredibly hard work to keep track of his state of mind and how close I can be - either physically or mentally. He dies not appear to have any patterns to his feeling states and often reacts in ways that are unusual - and not the same twice in a row. I am constantly confused by him.
I have accepted he is unlikely to ever be able to form relationships - even with me - but I still go through phases where this really upsets me and I think I still always try to find 'solutions'.
For me/us, I would only accept dyadic therapy where I was fully involved in the process as I felt we needed someone else to help reinforce the bond that is definitely there from me and has at times been there from him. Whilst I dont think this has necessarily changed his behaviours hugely (although to be fair, there is far less violence), it has allowed me to know others fully understand and they have then been able to provide support to me during our really tough times.
I am so sorry you are having to live with this. In some ways I find the violence easier to cope with than the manipulation,sudden changes of feeling state or awareness and the confusion and heartache it causes me.
I wish I had easy answers for you - but my vote would definitely go for some kind of therapy where you were present and involved.
Take care of yourself - physically and mentally;it's a really tough way to have to live.
|
|
|
Slapping
Feb 12, 2020 15:10:02 GMT
via mobile
Post by flutterby on Feb 12, 2020 15:10:02 GMT
Thanks, Leo. I really do not know anymore what is what tbh. After last night's altercation, Butterfly made a beautiful colourful picture full of hearts and 'I love you, Mummy' with a sorry note too. So heart-warming. But, I've had so many in the past and used to think we are making progress. Now I can't help but feel that this is possibly another protection/control mechanism to keep herself safe, if you understand what I mean. I so want to believe that she has written this because she has some genuine understanding and wants to have a real relationship. I also know she will hit me again tonight and the message will be forgotten.
Like you said, it is easier when their behaviour is consistent, even if it is terrifying. There is nothing worse than these sudden mood swings. Because there is nothing to go on and that's the only thing I know is certain.
Anyway, how are you, Leo? I do hope you are making progress and that you're getting better. Xx
|
|