Post by elderberry on Oct 28, 2019 14:56:20 GMT
Hi,
I found my way back onto this board today for the first time in a couple of years at least, so thought I would update with our latest news for anyone who remembers me.
I am a single adopter and my daughter is now 16. After much trouble in mainstream, she went to a residential SEMH school at the end of year 7 and stayed there until last November, in year 11. Then one Monday morning she refused to get up and get in the taxi and that was that. She only returned for a handful of days after that, and never completed a whole week. She basically spent nine months living in her bedroom and watching The Big Bang Theory. Though the school did their best, they were 50 miles away and couldn't send anyone out to do anything at home. She didn't sit any GCSEs. The LA failed to provide any tutoring and insisted that this year she should go to a mainstream college. I fought them for months on end, supported by my wonderful PASW and, actually, quite a good group of professionals who all wanted the best for her but had no influence over the education department and no budgets of their own.
Finally, after the end of the summer term and after I had raised a complaint and got my councillor involved and was all set to go to tribunal, the LA gave way and agreed to a specialist therapeutic service that sends tutors out to students in their own homes until they are able to handle school, if they ever are. My daughter insisted she wasn't going to engage, but actually it took two hours before she was playing Cluedo with me and her mentor and the lovely young, female tutor. From there it went amazingly well, until she was demanding more hours of tutoring and saying she would go into school (it's on the other side of London so not an easy task) and discussing timetables and options. All amazing, until it wasn't.
Affected, I think, by pre-menstrual hormones, one morning she smashed up her laptop, then mine, then threatened me and took my phone, refused to let me leave the house, caused a lot of damage and left us both very bruised. All in front of the tutor -- we've had violence many times before, but not in front of anybody else. In the end the school called the police.
School were great, and didn't exclude her and got her back on track as soon as possible, but it did lead to a change in her view of everything. The last week before half-term she disengaged and went back to lying in bed. She was tempted out a few times by promises of sugar, but did maybe one hour of school work in the whole week (the tutoring is full-time, four days a week). Then there was half-term; today is the first day back after half-term and she was so dysregulated and threatening that I sent the tutor away. She is insisting she is still on half-term, because some of her friends are and her previous school had a two-week autumn break. But this is really just an excuse to put off having to think about going back to school.
I should also mention that this schooling, while brilliant, is causing me an enormous amount of stress because they require me to be in the house whenever the tutor is here. I can't even slip to the shop at the end of the road for a sandwich unless the tutor leaves the house first. It is far from ideal; my daughter would work better with me not here and working from home is very difficult for me, though I'm doing it for now. Everything is exhausting and stressful and there's no obvious end to it. School would like her to work in the local library, where I don't have to be present because they're out in public; but even if she would agree to that, we are a long way from a point where she will get herself up and go out to meet her tutor, and her tutor can't come in the house if I'm not here, so I'm still a long way from being able to go back to working in the office.
I rather suspect now she may end up NEET again quite soon. And I'm wondering how long it will be before she can manage any sort of education or training or employment. I hear they do mostly reconnect, but it could be years yet. Not to mention the controlling behaviour, the birth family issues, the straight violence, the weight she is piling on, my secondary trauma and the chances of my not managing to hold on to the job that I have managed for all these years. I thought that part of it would be harder when she was younger, but I am in far more danger of losing my job now than I was then.
But she is lovely and smart and articulate. And I love her and I wouldn't do anything differently. But it makes me so sad that we have both had to go through all this.
Well that's me for now. Good luck to everyone else going through it all.
I found my way back onto this board today for the first time in a couple of years at least, so thought I would update with our latest news for anyone who remembers me.
I am a single adopter and my daughter is now 16. After much trouble in mainstream, she went to a residential SEMH school at the end of year 7 and stayed there until last November, in year 11. Then one Monday morning she refused to get up and get in the taxi and that was that. She only returned for a handful of days after that, and never completed a whole week. She basically spent nine months living in her bedroom and watching The Big Bang Theory. Though the school did their best, they were 50 miles away and couldn't send anyone out to do anything at home. She didn't sit any GCSEs. The LA failed to provide any tutoring and insisted that this year she should go to a mainstream college. I fought them for months on end, supported by my wonderful PASW and, actually, quite a good group of professionals who all wanted the best for her but had no influence over the education department and no budgets of their own.
Finally, after the end of the summer term and after I had raised a complaint and got my councillor involved and was all set to go to tribunal, the LA gave way and agreed to a specialist therapeutic service that sends tutors out to students in their own homes until they are able to handle school, if they ever are. My daughter insisted she wasn't going to engage, but actually it took two hours before she was playing Cluedo with me and her mentor and the lovely young, female tutor. From there it went amazingly well, until she was demanding more hours of tutoring and saying she would go into school (it's on the other side of London so not an easy task) and discussing timetables and options. All amazing, until it wasn't.
Affected, I think, by pre-menstrual hormones, one morning she smashed up her laptop, then mine, then threatened me and took my phone, refused to let me leave the house, caused a lot of damage and left us both very bruised. All in front of the tutor -- we've had violence many times before, but not in front of anybody else. In the end the school called the police.
School were great, and didn't exclude her and got her back on track as soon as possible, but it did lead to a change in her view of everything. The last week before half-term she disengaged and went back to lying in bed. She was tempted out a few times by promises of sugar, but did maybe one hour of school work in the whole week (the tutoring is full-time, four days a week). Then there was half-term; today is the first day back after half-term and she was so dysregulated and threatening that I sent the tutor away. She is insisting she is still on half-term, because some of her friends are and her previous school had a two-week autumn break. But this is really just an excuse to put off having to think about going back to school.
I should also mention that this schooling, while brilliant, is causing me an enormous amount of stress because they require me to be in the house whenever the tutor is here. I can't even slip to the shop at the end of the road for a sandwich unless the tutor leaves the house first. It is far from ideal; my daughter would work better with me not here and working from home is very difficult for me, though I'm doing it for now. Everything is exhausting and stressful and there's no obvious end to it. School would like her to work in the local library, where I don't have to be present because they're out in public; but even if she would agree to that, we are a long way from a point where she will get herself up and go out to meet her tutor, and her tutor can't come in the house if I'm not here, so I'm still a long way from being able to go back to working in the office.
I rather suspect now she may end up NEET again quite soon. And I'm wondering how long it will be before she can manage any sort of education or training or employment. I hear they do mostly reconnect, but it could be years yet. Not to mention the controlling behaviour, the birth family issues, the straight violence, the weight she is piling on, my secondary trauma and the chances of my not managing to hold on to the job that I have managed for all these years. I thought that part of it would be harder when she was younger, but I am in far more danger of losing my job now than I was then.
But she is lovely and smart and articulate. And I love her and I wouldn't do anything differently. But it makes me so sad that we have both had to go through all this.
Well that's me for now. Good luck to everyone else going through it all.
