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Post by mudlark on Oct 1, 2019 21:54:27 GMT
I am hoping for some advice. Lapwing, age 10 has a secret diary, which she has never told me about, however I know where she hides it and she knows I know but keeps it in the same place. This in itself tells me at some level she wants me to read it.
There is all sorts of mixed up stuff in it, and some 'normal' tween girl stuff. However I happened upon it today when tidying her room and the latest entry describes how her life is 'useless, meaningless, rubbish, getting worse by the day' she goes on to say 'why am I always thinking about suicide - ing'
She often says in her daily life that 'she is going to die' she 'feels like dying', often said in a semi dramatic way. Still hugely jealous of any love/attention I give her younger brother.
But I am worried, as she is not herself, very disorganised in her attachment, clinging one minute, rejecting the next, nothing we haven't had before, except the written statements which somehow worry me more than the spoken.
She has had therapy for 4 years, but none for the last 14 months. Is this a moment where I need to re engage with some kind of professional, CAHMS, back to the adoption agency for some funding for therapy. I know pre teen girls can be hormonal and all over the place, but the mention of suicide really worries and upset me. I wish her life did not feel to rubbish, but I am at a loss to know what I can do, and perhaps need someone else to step in to help her.
Sorry for rambling post, and for posting only when I have a problem!
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Post by flutterby on Oct 2, 2019 14:15:00 GMT
You are absolutely right to take this seriously, I am not saying Lapwing is suicidal in medical terms, it may be her way of saying I am unhappy, but she is getting older and the sad fact is that even amongst the 'normal' population incidences of self harm and suicide attempts have gone up enormously over the last few years. Apparently 25% of all teenage girls now self harm, an absolutely shocking figure. With internet, you tube etc there is graphic content available for children by children, how to best self harm, it is very scary.
Whilst I am not sure that she secretly really wants you to read her diary, I do believe you have a right and duty to read in order to help keep her safe. You are not doing it to snoop and it is no different from any surveillance apps which parents now use to monitor their children's online activity. Sadly, times have changed and we do need to be savvy to protect them. I wish it was not so, but what can you do.
My middle birth child, now 18, started similar behaviour age 11, and things went downhill from there, and that without the added complication of being adopted. We are only coming out the other side now, but I spent years gauging whether it was safe to leave them in their own room overnight and often decided they needed to be with me. It was draining and we had a lot of CAMHS involvement, now have a aspergers dignosis, they are trans and on the waiting list for gender surgery.
Not saying this will happen in your case, but best to try and secure as much help as you can now, it will only get more complex with L becoming a teenager. And yes, they do get hormonal, but it does not make the issues less real, in fact only more tricky to deal with.
I really understand your anxiety, it is so scary and when they say and especially write these things, seeing it black and white makes it so much more upsetting, because it can read like a goodbye letter and is a real punch in the stomach. As always, look after yourself, so important and doa make time to deal with your own feelings around this issue, it is the most frightening any parent can deal with, this thought of losing your child forever and being powerless to stop it. Xxx
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Post by leo on Oct 2, 2019 20:59:25 GMT
Sorry, not much time to reply properly but... yes, I'd definitely be following that up with a re referral for ASF therapy.
Very tricky to cope with as a parent so make sure you get support too.
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Post by chotimonkey on Oct 4, 2019 10:50:21 GMT
Hi, Sending love to you both. Yes definitely get support. When howler was being bullied last year it decimated her sense of self. Lots of . I should just die/ I shouldn’t exist (she’s 7) Gone through asf, got body based therapy with a focus on building self esteem and a sense of herself being able to cope with different things with help. working out what stress feels like physically for her, how to recognise if and what to do with it. She also has school Counsellor. We are doing lots with her and it is making a difference slowly... yesterday she told us what she liked most about herself is that she’s’ kind and happy’ where as she wouldn’tve been able to find anything by the end of last year. Other things that have helped are finding physical things she loves and is good at... she really needs the endorphins and being able to see tangible things she is really good at Something h else that she’s loved... specific to her situation with bullies is lots of songs/ stories// films that were telling her story... really helped her feel less alone and see that others had come through it It feels v scary, but her therapist has said, sometimes when issues come up when they are young enough to still be very much still at home wit you, if you can learn important strategies younger it can head of things when they’re older
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Post by milly on Oct 6, 2019 7:28:36 GMT
My 14 year old talks like this at times. She's also written notes and left them around her room - not goodbye messages but outpourings of emotion. She has a lot of access to social media so is very aware of self harm and is also very aware of 'mental health' and what this means. To be fair, it is also part of their education at school these days, certainly in secondary.
Her only attempts at self harm have been minor and very superficial. Scratches on her arm where the skin isn't even broken. I often wonder if she would even do that if she hadn't heard that's what others do (sure I'd never heard of self harm at her age and I certainly never thought of doing any myself).
With her it's not ongoing but happens when she gets stressed, into a state over something and then very down on herself. It's like normal teen moodiness with an added edge rather than persistent depression- so far anyway. Positives are she does relate well to peers so does have friends and is able to talk about her feelings- to them, us etc.
She had a counsellor at school all through last year. She now sees a CAMHS therapist weekly though that's only just started. (She got involved in CAMHS 2 years ago but then the service was reorganised and she had no one which is when school stepped in with counsellor. When CAMHS input re-started, with a much better therapist as it happens, they decided she should continue with the counsellor with therapist maintaining an overview. Then counsellor retired.)
She found the counselling sessions very supportive and will hopefully get to like the CAMHS one more, though she is willing to go and does talk to them- think the therapist has a different, less fluffy approach.
I think you have to take it seriously and seek help. But don't panic. At her age she will be under your supervision most of the time so you can monitor her closely. Maybe also plan plenty of one to one and look for opportunities to gently explore her feelings.
Our older child self harmed more than our 14 year old has done so far- she has scars on her arm. She was 15 -16 then. Not good at expressing feelings verbally. Until she was 17 she wouldn't talk to a therapist but then started to open up more. I worried a lot as she would disappear at times but she's now 18 and relatively stable - no recent self harming or bouts of depression.
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Post by mudlark on Oct 6, 2019 21:44:06 GMT
thanks all, I am still processing all this, so shocked when I look at her little face that this is all going on now...but some food for thought, I am still thinking through what is best to do for her.
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Post by mudlark on Oct 7, 2019 22:12:49 GMT
I am going to give her a day off school this week and see if I can help her to find a way to talk to me about what's going on in her head. I used to part time home school her which gave us lots of oppotunity for talking, since going full time I know she has missed the time with me, not that she would admit it. But thank you for the advice, I shall see what a day with her reveals.
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Post by serrakunda on Oct 8, 2019 17:19:35 GMT
Oh bless her, what turmoil she must be in.
I hope she has managed to talk to you
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