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Post by mudlark on Apr 7, 2019 22:39:49 GMT
Lapwings 10th birthday. She had a disco this afternoon, her first ever party. It was a mad frenzy of 10 year old girls and boys and she had lots of fun and in the end she was exhausted and happy.
I feel very sad, not sure why. We have a tradition of me putting photos on the wall on the eve of their birthday including pictures of birth parents and pictures from when they where in foster care and the lots of pictures from the 5 years they have been here, I believe its a way to integrate their story. They always like it.
I feel that it's wrong that birth parents are not permitted to send cards on their birthdays...I feel the connection with their birth parents should be explored not excluded...I sense Lapwings sadness on her birthday... ( she was 4 when adopted) Increasingly as we move on in our journey I feel its important we have more contact with birth family...the sense of identity and belonging is very significant.
Lapwing was so proud and feeling cool to have her disco....but by the end of tonight she had regressed to a toddler.....my instinct tells me she needs resolution, she needs to get a clearer picture.....how do I give that to her....
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Post by moo on Apr 8, 2019 7:53:41 GMT
Hugs mudlark xxx
Sometimes with my two including b/f can bring back the understood sadness of how/why b/f couldn't cope..
Life story work has helped no end. Drawing a line under past & b/f & moving on has been both of their way forward.
It really has put understanding & distance which has lessened by a mile certain reactive behaviours..... My view.... why keep picking the scab off the wound? Let it heal & do the physio & move on...
Hope you start to feel happier, enjoy the great milestone of the disco & lapwings pride at being the birthday girl with friends loving attending her cool party...
Sending hugs xx
Xx moo xx
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Post by leo on Apr 12, 2019 21:20:19 GMT
I hope some of your sadness has lifted and that maybe you have been able to pinpoint what it was making you feel so low.
I think any/all parts of even thinking about birth parents is a minefield. Obviously it is different for each child depending on their history - there is a world of difference in how I'd deal with the issues arising depending on whether there was domestic abuse, neglect, drug/alcohol use, poor parenting through own poor childhood or physical, emotional or sexual abuse.
Only you know what the issues are but it may be that actually Lapwing has got to the age where she wants to ignore it for a while - wants to feel normal and the same as all her friends. I think that's a natural stage to go through - and certainly here was the stage before being ready to look at things in a more 'adult' way.
Hurricane's therapist recently asked him to bring in a photo of himself as a toddler (to try and help him accept how small and incapable of stopping adults he was, to see if he could re direct some of his anger from himself to them). He couldn't cope with this at all. We have had a lot of life story work ad he is now a teenager - but he is still a long, long way from reconciling himself to his history and how it affects his past.
A few times in parent sessions I have been challenged by the therapist as to why I want to, for example, continue Letterbox - am I wanting to prove a point to my boys, am I hoping for an admission of guilt, do I feel guilty for being a better parent than her ... it certainly makes me think and helps me to keep a divide between what I want or need and what my individual boys need! Do you still have any parent support?
It sounds as if Lapwing is in many ways progressing so well, I hope Peewit is too. Enjoy the holidays together!
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Post by mudlark on Apr 23, 2019 21:47:29 GMT
The sadness has lifted thank you Leo, and I can pinpoint it, its sadness that I am not her birth mother, which is an obvious feeling I suppose on her birthday!
It's interesting your therapist asked you to question why you continue to do letterbox. I have posted elsewhere about my current feeling about letterbox, in that I want more contact with birth parents, and this is really in response to Lapwings request for increased contact.
My mine driver is to be in control of how she accesses information about her birth family and to guide her up to and then through the inevitable meet up with plenty of preparation. I get the feeling things are going to become complex with Lapwing as she believes she knows what she wants and needs, but of course she is too young to have it. Peewit is doing well, but as I know you know, it's all an ongoing process of ups and downs, the ups are for the most part outweighing the downs!
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