Being able to help (or not!)

Sadly not confined to planet adoption. I used to send my eldest birth daughter up to tidy her room and find her two hours later happily reading through all her old notebooks from primary school - and the room actually looking worse because she'd pulled everything out from under her bed! Also, why does tidying involve stuffing all their clothes, dirty and clean (that they couldn't put away when ironed and folded nicely by mum) into the dirty laundry bin!

I have a rule on my house that if dirty laundry is not put in the laundry basket, then it does not get washed.  

I refuse to go into their rooms picking clothes up of the floor, or searching out under beds, down the sides of chest of drawers etc. If it ain't in the laundry bin then tough.

Very effective when they want to wear a favourite top, or pair of jeans and ask where they are. I just reply "did it go in the laundry basket, because if it did then it would be washed and ready to wear, if not then, not my problem, try and remember to put it in there next time". Usually followed by me saying "I am not your servant". 

Funnily enough, they have learned to take their own dirty laundry to the basket. 

Oh Janpan, I do feel for you! It's hard to know what to try next isn't it? We have, over the years, tried the not washing if it isn't in the wash - DS just wears filthy clothes! Tried not mucking out his room - became dangerously vile and smelly, making his asthma very bad.
Sometimes, he can tolerate me "being alongside" and "sorting it together" like with younger children, but mostly he just tells me to eff off! He's just come back from 8 weeks away, where apparently he tidied his room, did his own washing, etc. Guess what? Today he has "unpacked" - a pile of dirty clothes on top of his "clean" clothes, and they are all over the floor of the holiday cottage. None of his washing is clean, cos he's been washing at 15 degrees and for only 30 mins! Apparently that's how the FC does all the washing!!!!
It's hard to live with someone who stinks, isn't it? I am not a naturally tidy person but his level of squalor drives me mad!
It took me ages to work out how why DS chose such smelly friends, but I think subconsciously ther's a familiarity about that rank odour from his early days, which draws him to them!
I am sneaking a few pieces at a time into the washer with a nice dose of fairy, dettol fabric steriliser and some comfort pure! Hopefully by the end of this week it will be a bit less smelly in his room! x

janpan, there are interludes! Sometimes, when they are in a new romance, they get mad keen on bathing, fresh clothes and tidying the house. Sadly, it often doesn't last as it's too much effort! x

Ooh er! The power of marketing!
I still find it hard to see how 10 years hasn't over-ridden the carp from the first three, but it seems DS cannot keep hold of the values I have tried to instill. I spent fortunes on special washing liquids to help his damaged skin etc. Now he tries to advise me to use cheap, nasty and poor quality detergents with vile over-perfumed twangs!x

It is a nightmare isn't it? I have worked really hard with DS on his sensory issues around clothing and textiles. HE often takes all his bedding off to sleep on the bare mattress, unwraps his duvet etc. I suppose it's just familiar in a way he cannot understand. So sad.x

I would do it if shadette wasn't in it all the time! for 9 years I have tried to get her to manage her environment and her own hygiene - I guess now she is going to move to the care home, she will get worse as she is terrified while she waits - and I just have to manage it as best I can - and all the other old behaviours that are re surfacing!