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Post by mudlark on Jul 25, 2017 21:19:29 GMT
There is nowhere else or to anyone else I can say it really.
Lovely start to the summer holidays, beautiful blue skies, climbing trees in woods, eating ice cream, catching tiny crabs on the beach, playing in the park, swinging on rope swings, bubble gum ice cream, fizzy drinks, picnics, paddling, building dens, parents who love them. We have structure and routines in place, we have all the stuff that should help. The love is not enough, the promise of forever is not enough.
Someone though is miserable, lonely and hollow eyed. She is stealing and lying but compliant, smiling with fake smile she does as she is told, sleeps badly, is sad, is jumpy, quick to sneakily hurt her brother, is dysregulated, is mischief making, is anxious. Splitting when ever she can, lavishing love, withholding love, poking fun, being mean, hurting us all but herself more. She just wants it all to stop so she does not have to deal with the complicated business of family. But we Are the complicated business of family and it will not stop. She wants to be in charge, she tries to control but inevitably it all fails.
There is no answer really. As only I and her brother really see this, she does an amazing act for everyone else... and mostly her huge loneliness goes undetected. It's Sad.. I cant cure her, just keep loving her in the hope she knows I will keep loving her.
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Post by serrakunda on Jul 25, 2017 21:35:00 GMT
bless you Mudlark
so very sad for her, I hope somewhere deep down she knows how much she is loved
I think often of Shadow and Shadette, how desparate and dire it was for them. It took years but they came through in the end. It will never be 'normal' but they have survived and Shadette is building a life for herself.
wishing you continuing strength xx
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Post by mudlark on Jul 26, 2017 13:45:46 GMT
I completely lost it this morning, threatened to put them both in holiday clubs or with child minders if they ( mainly Lapwing) didn't stop the constant fighting, rudeness, etc etc. They were both reduced to tears! I did tell them how much I actually look forward to being with them in the summer holidays, how much I try to find fun things for us to do each day, but how I can't possibly endure 40 days of their awful fighting and rudeness. Obviously I now feel like carp, and they are still in shock at my outburst. It's just so miserable when it gets so toxic.  |
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Post by moo on Jul 26, 2017 15:42:20 GMT
Hugs mudlark xx
So understand sending you strength xx its so tuff xx..
Serrakunda is spot on xxxx
Don't beat yourself up, the pushing never ends, there just has to be a place called stop no matter how hard we try xxxx
{{{}}}
Xx moo xx
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Post by mudlark on Jul 26, 2017 21:15:14 GMT
Yes I have followed shadow and shadette and have been very heartened by the progress, albeit hard won, inspirational mother and daughter!
After a truly low morning, it has to be said mainly from me not managing my own emotions very well, things slowly got better, my two children are wonderful and they are for me the best little ones on the world. Sometimes, not very often, I sink and for a moment I let my disappointment, anger and hurt and frustration get the better of me. Trauma and its side effects wears us down and erodes our patience and our empathy. I share as well because I know there are many of us who struggle and it can seem very isolating at times.
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Post by esty on Jul 26, 2017 23:00:44 GMT
Sometimes I think it is good to be truly honest. I think faking it is all well and good in some instances but also piercing honesty also has a place at times.. do you talk to her honestly about this? How you think she sabotages things? Don't know whether its the right thing to do or not but on really 'back against the wall' occasions in our house i have been seemingly honest and actually that has caused a shift. We are on a calm period at the moment. Lasted about three weeks so far. People are even noticing the change in Twisty fish' ability to think before he reacts. This has come after a couple of seeringly honest moments. Hope it all relaxes as they relax into the summer holidays. x
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Post by damson on Jul 27, 2017 4:58:43 GMT
I feel for you. The first week of the summer holidays was always the hardest bit of summer for us, as our two fell back into each others company with a crash.
They were awful together. So close in age, such different people, and such control battles. Things used to improve as they got back into holiday routines. Perhaps your home is getting more peaceful already.
I agree with Esty that occasional bursts of real honesty are very useful. That and there has to be some feedback for really nasty behaviour, otherwise it is all seen as acceptable from their point of view.
What I find very heartening is that our AD, who did not appear to be enjoying herself on holiday (always looking to the next treat or trampling the current one) has very happy memories of the holidays!
And so does AS, despite being involved in massive control battles for a lot of the time.
So while you are feeling sad about what you see, positive memories may be accumulating right in front of you.
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Post by milly on Jul 27, 2017 9:58:23 GMT
This may be completely off course... But one thing I often say to dd2 is that she doesn't need to be in charge / worry about x because I'm the adult and that's my job. It does seem to help, in the short term at least.
Another thing we've worked on is positive thinking. Her year 6 teacher was really into this and I use it (she tends to respect the views of outsiders more than mine!) a lot at home. She's older than your dd of course, but I find it heads off a lot of "wallowing". It also helps her understand everyone has worries and problems and that it's everyone's responsiblity to make the best of themselves - she's very prone to bemoaning she is "different" or not like other 12 year olds. So I talk a lot about everyone being different but all 12 year olds having some things in common. I play down the "adoption" line as much as possible as it's negative thinking and dd has become very aware of it (naturally given her age).
Dd does genuinejy enjoy things though. She's more like this in down time or on a day when little is happening.
I sympathise. It's hard to live with and even worse when you feel you have no power to change things, especially when the child doesn't have faith in you. (Positive - dd had a migraine headache last night and wouldn't accept me saying a good night's sleep would cure it. She came into my room smiling this morning, headache all gone. I feel these moments help confirm I can be trusted / relied on - sometimes anyway!)
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Post by leo on Aug 1, 2017 20:53:40 GMT
How are things now? Has she settled at all now we are a full week into the holidays?
I really feel for you. We are similarly going through a tough time and nothing feels like 'enough'.
What is your situation with your therapist at the moment?
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Post by mudlark on Aug 2, 2017 22:09:25 GMT
well, we are on a weeks holiday in Cornwall at the moment. Lapwing is hanging on there by a thread. In the time honoured fashion the trauma bond shifts continuously between the two of them, currently being carried by Lapwing as Peewit cruises through, all smiles and cuddles and loved up, all 'normal' and well adjusted.
...I smile hollowly as I know this could shift at any minute, and I could have a serene and beautifully behaved Lapwing as Peewit takes hold of the baton of trauma and becomes unmanageable and chaotic...but apart from that, and the rain, it is lovely to be away!
Therapy has ended for Peewit. Having been highly successful, for the moment at least
Lapwings' therapist who has and is still very poorly is unresolved, she has not had therapy now for over 12 weeks, it is telling and a problem. But I am hoping it will restart in September.
We are by the sea and I am thinking how nice it would be to buy a boat and sail away from it all, with the children and husband on board of course!
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