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Post by janpan on Jul 1, 2017 0:01:01 GMT
Not for the first time I am a bit lost. My beautiful dh and I have fallen out badly, again, over my son - who is a lying, lying, lying nearly 18 year old. I can't bear living with him. I want him to leave. Everything, everything he does is the opposite of what I want, what I believe in, what I stand for. There is of course masses and masses of history. I feel, selfishly, like my entire life has been ruined. I can't go to bed tonight, I'm going to sleep downstairs. My job is carp now too - I changed everything to support the kids, we moved away from our city and now, years later, I am utterly trapped and stuck and full of anger. I truly truly hate my circumstances and am struggling to not walk away from all this. Many of the days for about 7 years I have felt like I was a little bit dead. I appear utterly normal and able to cope.
We have therapy. Trouble is, I just actually don't want to be here anymore, not in this family.
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Post by moo on Jul 1, 2017 5:36:38 GMT
Ooohhhh janpan I feel your desperation & end of road xxxxx
I feel so sadened to being so far away... I wish I could offer you better support or give better ideas for much needed support for you....
I send you many gentle hugs my heart goes out to you....
Can you accesss support from your gp perhaps?... You clearly are so close to the edge.... you need massive prof input....
I am sadly not well enough qualified to advise about tackling an 18yr old xxx Could day release be arranged via adolescent support perhaps... gp again?
You so clearly need to protect yourself, your needs have to be put first for once.... xxx
I hope someone will be along soon to offer better advice than I xxx
Do pm please to rant if it will help xxx
xhugsx
Xx moo xx
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Post by janpan on Jul 1, 2017 7:21:32 GMT
Thanks for responding, I appreciate that. It's the morning, I'll struggle on. It'll be sort of ok. Sorry for ranting, it was an end of tether moment, as you say. Our adoption story has not been an easy one and I don't think I'm very suited to it. Ho hum.  |
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Post by serrakunda on Jul 1, 2017 12:47:25 GMT
((((janpan))))
sounds so very hard.
I assume he is coming to the end of school/college. What are his plans for the future. Is there any possibilty of him moving out into some sort of supported accommation. He will be eligible for benefits soon.
Can you and DH get away for a weekend?
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Post by esty on Jul 1, 2017 18:51:21 GMT
I would definitely suggest you get some time for you and possibly some therapy. I only survive by having a weekend fully away every 6 weeks or so. I'm only 5 minutes up the road but I get to be me and think and process and turn myself around so I can come back and carry on. I have stopped feeling any guilt, rather they have me than they don't, though mainly LM as Big F is sorted but physically hard. My heart goes out to you as i recognise the feelings. sometimes I let myself have those feelings and then remember I am really strong and that i just have to get through today. Please please take time for yourself and then repair with OH and then you might have energy for the son. Hope you get some break soon.
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Post by damson on Jul 1, 2017 21:02:06 GMT
Dear Janpan
that sounds appalling.
Do you know about the Potato group?
They have experience of the sort of life you are describing, and it is not out on the open boards.
It isn't ok to just keep limping along. If the therapy cannot resolve the underlying issue, does it just diverts
attention from supplying what might make a real difference - a different home for your DS?
One not so fine day you may well crack, and then the whole family may go down.
You are entitled to a life.
xxx Damson
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Post by mudlark on Jul 1, 2017 21:19:30 GMT
'I appear utterly normal and able to cope' - those of us that appear that way are the hardest to help I think, our friends and family all see us 'coping' - it is the classic swan effect, serene above the water whilst furiously paddling below. You need to swan off and find a little bit of you again, something to make you feel alive to yourself once more. I know the feeling all too well and hope you find some strength to grab something for yourself.
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Post by janpan on Jul 2, 2017 21:30:37 GMT
He went to his girlfriends yesterday lunchtime, came back this evening. The bit in between was lovely. He came back an hour ago, we've already had a row. Yes, it's all very complex with other things that are going on, like searching for bf, attaching to his girlfriends family etc. Nightmare.
Yes, I will look up the potato group - I think I am a member.
A big part of me would like him to go and move in with his girlfriend. DH doesn't agree. He is very delayed so not really ready, I completely know it will be a mistake and a wrong decision, if he goes, it will be chaos, so we shall see.
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Post by daffin on Jul 3, 2017 8:01:16 GMT
Hi Janpan. I was feeling similarly dire in the early spring and am feeling much better now.
Not much changed with Monkey Boy, but we got more respite and slowly that has reduced family stress levels. I started working more and have been doing work that is really interesting and absorbing (still only doing 2 days a week, but spread over more days - Mouse is still at nursery), DH and I started talking more and rowing less and I saw a psychiatrist about 4 times who basically said "anyone in your situation would be struggling. Actually you're doing really well, considering" then gave me some useful CBT style mental exercises to do.
Having seen how how quickly DH and I can go back to being super stressed and unhappy and snapping at each other when MB is going through a worse phase means I know that the problems aren't fixed but at least I know that it's not that my whole life sucks, but that one part of it is impossibly difficult - perhaps unsustainably so!
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Post by topcat on Jul 3, 2017 10:14:02 GMT
Janpan - rant away, use the forum, you will not be judged and we all need an outlet at the very least to remember we are sane, functioning, reasonable, incredible human beings. You are allowed to hate the whole blasted journey, lots of us do. x
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Post by lemonade on Jul 3, 2017 21:53:54 GMT
I agree it sounds like you need a break bless you. 16 to 18 is a struggle normally but with Adoption in the mix it becomes unbearable.
My AD ran away at 16 she has learning difficulties I got police involved because I felt she wasn't old enough to cope. Fast forward now 10 years her having been in supportive housing, drug use, etc etc but as of today she is settled in her little flat with her little daughter who is 9 months, we help her organise her finances and keep an eye on boyfriend who has issues but no longer lives with her. Slowly she is beginning to see the light. I too lost my job and actually went under for a while as we had AD sister as well who was going through her nightmare of life and still is tbh.
Hang in there and take some time out for you and DH to strengthen yourselves. At the end of the day they will do what they want anyway, whether we like it or not and will not want to hear our advice or any reality check.
We have learned that all we could do is be 'hands ready but not hands on' and have distance but keep the link open.
Take care
Love
Lemonade xx
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Post by janpan on Jul 5, 2017 20:23:15 GMT
He wants to be at his girlfriends all the time essentially, and now that it's the holidays, it's hard to argue against it. Do I play the 'what the hell, do what you like' card? or do I try to be responsible, keep him attached to us rather than her family, try to get him to have a measured response, be responsible etc.
On one level it's a whole lot nicer here without him.
On the other hand, I know it's not the therapeutic thing to do.
I feel like we are keeping him prisoner if we do the responsible thing though. He has no other friends, they never go out, never see other people, never go to a movie, never go dancing, just bedroom time, all the time, in her house with her parents in agreement with all this.
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Post by esty on Jul 5, 2017 20:50:57 GMT
Oh I think let him go to girlfriends but with 'you know where we are , we are always here for you, if you need us you know where we are spiel' then enjoy your time and re group for the short time it lasts.
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Post by damson on Jul 5, 2017 22:03:17 GMT
If you try to keep him home, he will fight hard.
Let them get on with it, and enjoy the peace.
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Post by mrmlegal on Jul 6, 2017 12:02:36 GMT
10 years ago I was in a similar position with DD2. She disappeared to her boyfriend's house and, although I knew where she was, I decided not to pursue her. In the end, the boyfriend's Mum decided she had had enough of the extra mouth to feed and DD2 was sent off home. Fast forward 10 years and DD2 is a responsible member of the community and she and I have an excellent relationship. Things do change as the mature.
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Post by runmum on Jul 6, 2017 20:49:12 GMT
This is the place to rant. Rant away whenever you need to and know that you re not alone. Cyber hugs and try to get close to DH and it's not you it's the circumstances. Rundad and I just had 2.5 days child free and we were different people. On the way to pick up Jealous Dog Rundad was already getting stressed. It's natural. We are reading "Hold me Tight" a book about how marriage relationships are rooted in attachment - it is very illuminating. xx
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