|
Post by sooz on Jul 12, 2016 16:20:42 GMT
Hi all, opinions please!
snooze doesn't 'get' a lot of stuff..... He seems unaware his actions are seen as odd, that his likes are not the norm.
hes 10 but likes to maybe wear a storm trooper mask on the way to school, while marching....and preferably playing a tune from Star Wars. Ok the 5 or 6 year olds are all wide eyed but any older than that it's seen as weird.
lots of stuff like that he sees as cool and thinks he's getting admiring glances so does it all the more. I don't want to burst his bubble, at all, I'm all for being accepted for who you are, but maybe I'm not doing him any favours?
so, do I leave him to it or explain what's what? How do I discourage without being critical or opening him up to self consciousness?
should I have a 'in our house only' rule, where he would be free to be as individual as he likes?
should I expect him to care what other people think? I certainly don't want him to be picked on for being odd.
mabe pointing out what children his age do and don't do?
it grates a bit as I think stuff it, be who you are.....but maybe being yourself indoors is a better option?
|
|
|
Post by kstar on Jul 12, 2016 20:18:03 GMT
Oh wow what a tough question! I actually get this a lot at work, it's more common than you'd think. Perhaps not the storm trooper bit at secondary but today I did stop a girl running round the picnic area with a purple bin bag flying from her shoulders shouting I AM THE TRASHCAN HERO! I stopped her purely because she was behaving dangerously but decided I had to confiscate the bag for safety purposes (and because lunch duty is dreary enough without dealing with attention seeking... That's what it was in this case).
I never really have the right answer. As a parent and a morally upstanding human being, you want to say be who you are and don't let anyone stop you. However in my experience you have to be unbelievably tough and resilient to cope with the back lash - which most children are not. There is nothing sadder than witnessing the light bulb moment when a child realises people are not just being mean for the sake of it, they genuinely perceive that child as weird. It's heartbreaking.
I have no idea what the solution is and I'm not sure if I've helped.
|
|
|
Post by leo on Jul 12, 2016 21:07:09 GMT
Tough one - and similar issues here with Tsunami.
I think, as KStar says, it's a lot to do with resilience. I have met some very quirky children in my time and some can carry it off without hesitation - despite being fully aware of how odd it may seem to others. They simply don't care what others think or are secure enough in their self belief to be able to over-ride what others may say and not be upset.
I suppose you have to balance whether you think he could actually restrain this part of him against his general resilience, against how accepted he is by his peer group, against whether he would even understand what you are trying to say. So hard!
|
|
|
Post by damson on Jul 13, 2016 21:07:54 GMT
It reminds me of our play therapist's view - she said you can't worry about everything that goes on at school, let the peer group sort it out. They will. I remember blenching at the thought of the 'peer group' dealing heavy handedly with DD, but I could see her point. She was largely impervious to our efforts at behaviour modification, so peer group it was.
It really takes off in secondary school. It took the peer group about 6 months to convert DD from wearing jeans (yes, jeans) to wearing black leggings like all the other girls. Makeup took a bit longer, but she had that astonishing orange-brown pancake look for at least 4 years, courtesy of the peer group.
|
|
|
Post by topcat on Jul 14, 2016 13:53:18 GMT
I hear you Serra - I tend to think you will do him a favour to gently suggest some behaviour is better off at home..."some people aren't used to older kids who..." , I'm trying to think of similar things here and I can't remember specifics but I can hear Brains saying defiantly "but I LIKE" - doing whatever it was ...which was then fine, he could make the choice then with the chance of a little more social awareness - I have a feeling it was to do with teddies going to school.
There are lots of socially acceptable type behaviour we teach our children and I think it's only fair to help them pick up on signals when they might be heading out of the norm and then back them up whatever happens.
|
|
|
Post by sooz on Jul 14, 2016 16:53:29 GMT
Thanks all. Very helpful.
Yes, time to have a word! Xx
|
|
|
Post by jmk on Jul 15, 2016 16:24:42 GMT
Yes maybe time for a bit of a chat, because problem is, he'll be going to secondary school next year and secondary schools are not as nurturing or understanding as junior schools and you don't want him being singled out by his peers as being 'the weird one' as labels can stick and cause huge problems to self esteem later on.
Shame, but better hearing it from mum rather than being laughed at by his peers.
|
|
|
Post by mooster on Jul 16, 2016 14:37:56 GMT
School can be one of the cruellest places as children generally say what they think and fitting in becomes a goal for so many. Getting the balance without ruining the individuality is a tough one. Remember that some of our most creative people are ones "society" might deem weird.
Sometimes it is our own values that set the bar for acceptable weirdness and these could be skewed! I prefer to use the term quirky - my AS is definitely quirky but he has managed to find a place for himself. He says others say he is weird but in his own quirky way he and we celebrate it!
A very tough one Sooz as you want him to be himself but not at the expense of others laughing at him I guess. If only all that energy he has could be channelled in a more soothing way!
Thinking about you
Mooster x
|
|
|
Post by serrakunda on Jul 18, 2016 11:55:36 GMT
Simba fortunately has never had a penchant for dressing up on the way to school but there were lots of things he had to get his head around about going to secondary school.
We had many, many, many chats about secondary school being big school, for big children and getting ready to be a teenager and a grown up, so that he had to leave some things behind, at least when he was out of the house.
He can do what he likes at home but when he's at school or scouts or whatever, if he wants the nice things that go with being a big boy, than he has to behave like one. This worked well for Simba who is desperate to have friends, fit in and be grown up, so may or may not work so well for Snooz.
|
|
|
Post by kstar on Jul 26, 2016 15:58:53 GMT
The only chink of light incidentally is that there does come a point when quirkiness once again becomes acceptable - normally from the back end of year 11 onwards. Often that's when our "quirkier" children suddenly find their feet and blossom, sometimes building a little friendship group of their own who all have their own quirks!
|
|
|
Post by milly on Jul 26, 2016 18:24:22 GMT
Kstar - that's encouraging. Dd1 is quirky (or maybe just downright annoying!) and will be in year 11 next year. I keep hoping she'll mature and get better at relationships..... She's certainly not the type to fit in with the crowd.
|
|