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Post by fruitcake on Oct 10, 2013 13:28:40 GMT
I remember in the John Houghton book, him talking about the principle of limited disclosure, by which I think he meant the way in which some of our sons and daughters can gradually bring us to our knees. Just as you think things might be looking up, and you dare to feel a bit more hopeful, you are assailed by a fresh bit of news that is even more awful than before and that whittles away at the remaining shreds of hope that you have been desperately harbouring.
That is where I am with ds at the moment.
I do have several other children who should be my focus, but I am finding it hard to remain positive right now. A rather silly onslaught from an unrealistic piano teacher of one of them cast me down unreasonably. How on earth do you retain any positivity under these circumstances?
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Post by shadow on Oct 10, 2013 14:21:51 GMT
I don't know the answer - but I get a lot from contact with others online
going to my choirs
walking wee dog
but thing can look very gloomy and hopeless
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2013 14:36:06 GMT
Is there any chance you can get some respite Fruitcake to do something just for you away from the children if only for a few hours or overnight say once a month?
After two years of struggling alone since ex left, and now having SS and CAMHS involved with EDD, my ex has finally agreed to paying for me to go into a Travel Lodge for two nights once a month so that I get a whole w/e off to myself. He will move back in to look after DD's.
If you book Travel Lodge ahead of time, you can often get deals of say a twin room for between £9-£21/night. I am going to use the time to meet up with various friends of mine, for a meal, or to go to the cinema, or for a drink and a catch up, so that I get some kind of social life which is non existant at the moment. Getting a twin room would mean any of my friends could stay overnight and also have a break from their children, and some w/e's I might just sleep and relax and do nothing. Maybe you could do something similar if only for one night a month.
Think it would really help to get some space and time to yourself to re-charge your batteries.
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Post by peartree on Oct 10, 2013 20:05:23 GMT
I've struggled a great deal with balancing feeling over the moon to facing total ruin with regards to our most troubled adoptee, blossom
Indeed, there are times partridge has gone into free fall and I've struggled more than with blossom going on a wobbler
To me, fruitcake, it's the huge waves up and crashes down that make it emotionally un-doable
The 'trick' I'm trying to do is iron out my own life so my pain, my activity levels, my interests have peaks and troughs within manageable range
And concentrate on levelling my own life into that range in the ways I can
I cannot level my children's lives or even go with them to a degree, as their range of wild swinging from ok ish to mad levels of horrors is beyond my coping ability
I think when so much of your life is tied up with theirs is very tough to maintain this and you must have physical space away and take extra care that you get counselling about spotting the cycles that lead you into the swing of peaks and troughs.
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Post by fruitcake on Oct 11, 2013 10:43:38 GMT
Thanks all.
PT - yes it is the highs and lows that are so hard. Just as you are beginning to feel a bit more hopeful, some awful new development casts you down.
I do need to re-focus as I have several other children who are doing well, with no major problems (unless you count a question mark over passing grade 8 piano as a "problem" - which I absolutely do not when thinking straight). My little son asked me last night, "Are you sad, Mummy?" I cannot go on like this as it is just not fair on them.
I think you are spot on, Shadow and JMK, about self-care. I think I also need to change some of my thinking. One of my sisters criticises me quite a bit (in the guise of "giving advice") and while normally I can take it with a pinch of salt, a snide comment about me "spoiling" my little son recently really cast me down in a way I think was disproportionate.
I have decided to try the online CBT "Beating the Blues" course which Larsti recommended on the old boards, and to re-join the very therapeutic Arf thread! The CBT course is on special offer at the moment - £99 instead of £149.95 - though it should be free via your G.P. if your PCT has bought it, or post adoption should fund. I say this in case anyone else is interested. I am going to self-fund out of my carer's allowance.
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Post by ham on Oct 14, 2013 12:37:53 GMT
when I have really struggled I have tried to break things down into manageable pieces.But my bottom line was as long as the children had food and clean clothes nothing else mattered.I know it is difficult but just to try and make time for you.sometimes it is the the smallest incident that feels the worse especially when you have to survive some major stuff.
if it get bad my GP was really supportive ( which included antidepressants) as was my children's CAMHS team as they set up counselling for me.
take care
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Post by shadow on Oct 14, 2013 14:20:01 GMT
I am using a Environmental Transmission Electron Microscope to try and find ANY particle of positivity here...............
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Post by ham on Oct 14, 2013 16:16:13 GMT
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Post by shadow on Oct 14, 2013 17:01:53 GMT
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Post by moo on Oct 14, 2013 19:02:52 GMT
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Post by shadow on Oct 14, 2013 19:20:25 GMT
sorry fruitcake - don't mean to mess up your post -just its so carp here too I got carried away
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Post by phoebe on Oct 14, 2013 19:57:42 GMT
I read recently in a magazine article that "faking" happy does have a positive effect on your seratonin levels, so "cons" your brain into thinking you're happier than you are. Conversely, there's loads of evidence that caffeine and alcohol block the receptors, so even when you're making happy hormones you can't feel them!
Touch based therapies - reflexology, massage - are especially good as they let you release oxytocin.
I know I relied on caffeine to keep me going for a long time, but it destroyed my sleep qualityyand ultimately made me more tired. Since I stopped caffeine I have better quality sleep and less ups and downs.
4 squares a day of high quality dark chocolate is a must to keep you healthy and happy.
Another thing you can try is a mantra "every day I do the best I can and I am proud of myself" or similar. It honestly does help.
Music and dancing are brilliant at lifting moods so get the radio on and dance and sing, have a laugh.
Warmest wishes. x
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Post by jollymummy on Oct 15, 2013 9:49:27 GMT
Hi Fruitcake - my PAS team pay for me to have counselling through Barnardo's. Although Barnardo's will also give a grant for 6 sessions of counselling with a counsellor trained in adoption issues. My counsellor has been really good at explaining some of my AD's behaviours in the context of attachment and helped me to finally acknowledge that none of their problems are due to my bad parenting. Something i did struggle with in the early days - maybe I was too controlling/strict/ unapproachable etc etc. I thought it was indulgent to have these sessions but I recognised that if I fell apart who will be there to take care of everyone else, so I had to take care of me to. It might be worth a call before you pay out. JM x
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Post by fehrscaper on Oct 23, 2013 12:02:05 GMT
I'm in the same place, Fruitcake. Every time I think things are getting better something else happens to bring me down again and destroy the little trust etc I had begun to build up  Then things non-dd related begin to feel like they're also out to get me Dd starts new therapy soon, so I'm hoping things will look up after that. And I'll soon be able to do some exercise again soon (always boost my happiness levels) - when my knee heals. Other than that. chocolate...? |
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Post by peartree on Oct 23, 2013 12:39:47 GMT
I was thinking of a nice cuppa tea and slab of fruitcake  Wonder how I got that idea ?! |
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