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Post by mudlark on Feb 12, 2016 13:22:11 GMT
Given my recent postings it is probably not a surprise that our therapist tells me I am suffering from Blocked Care. I know she is right, I have been here before. It is as if my brain can tell me all the right things I should feel and do in regard to Lapwing in particular but my bodys' reaction is different. e.g. I feel tense and un maternal toward her at the moment, the very last thing in the world I feel like doing is cuddling her. The reason are complex but it is all to do with the stress of living with traumatised children and emotional managing ( or not) the on/off rejection.
It is as though a part of my brain has shut down, the maternal bit, and I cant feel those emotions, I know I have felt them, but they have for the moment stopped. Her behaviour is so emotionally demanding, that I have somehow shut down. She is now oppositional and withdrawn and really needs me to bring her back into relationship with me, but at the moment I can't. What was the therapists advice? Go through the motions and try and gain some space from her.
It is shocking to me that I can feel like this. But I cant think myself out of it. My body just wont obey my mind, my instincts are telling me to withdraw.
I thought I would post about Blocked Care as I know we have had some discussions about it before, and it is apparently a common phenomenon amongst adopters, especially the primary carer.
It is according to the Therapist often mistaken for depression as the symptoms are similar. She did go into a scientific explanation about what is happening in the brain when you suffer from blocked care, unfortunately I have completely forgotten what she said. If anyone else knows I 'd be interested to hear it.
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Post by corkwing on Feb 12, 2016 16:19:53 GMT
I'm not sure about the processes in the brain, but I read an article about it from Dan Hughes recently. With his clients who are suffering from it, he treats them with the same PACE model that he uses with the kids.
Is there anyone who is Playful, Accepting, Curious and Empathetic towards you? Hoping that Mr. Mudlark manages this to some extent, but it may be hard for him when he's also dealing with the same stresses. Anyone outside the family?
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Post by monkey on Feb 12, 2016 20:50:56 GMT
Mudlark, sorry to read this. Really feel for you as I know exactly how you're feeling.
I'm sorry I don't have any answers. Sending you a big hug.
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Post by bop on Feb 12, 2016 21:04:00 GMT
I got to that point with DD1 before she left - its all linked with secondary trauma - but the good news is I have recovered - I have learnt that looking after myself is the biggest priority, then I can look after the kids....
Bop
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Post by leo on Feb 12, 2016 23:08:51 GMT
Mudlark, I am so sorry you are suffering with this - but it really isn't surprising given the level of trauma and rejection you are living with. As you say, you have been through this before and therefore you know you will recover from this.
Don't put such pressure on yourself to re-connect (oh so easy to say when it's not me!) It will happen, and your relationship with Lapwing will be stronger for having gone through another rough patch and come out the other side.
I have quite probably suffered from this too - but have not been self aware enough to recognise it! The strength of your love for, and commitment to, your children shines through each post you make (yes, even this one!) I hope you do have someone who can provide the TLC you need (Dan Hughes style).
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Post by pluto on Feb 12, 2016 23:28:01 GMT
It is alright to be blocked at times! The one who needs more care is you, your children are just fine. Sometimes it is as good as it gets, do not feel guilty about any of it.
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Post by jmk on Feb 13, 2016 7:58:57 GMT
I'm sure a lot of adopters have suffered from this Mudlark even if we weren't aware of it at the time.
I know I have had spells were I have detached myself from my feelings towards my DD's when they have been particularly awful. It is a thin line between love and hate and you can't be empathic and understanding all the time, you are human and being a sponge for trauma takes it's toll on even the most dedicated parent.
This is why self care is so important. Sometimes you just have to say (metaphorically speaking) 'stuff the lot of you, I am important too and I need to get away, have a break or whatever'. You need to look after YOU or everyone suffers.
It is not selfish to want a break, to want to run away sometimes, it is a normal reaction when you are faced with intense demands and emotions. Having a break or a treat for you can help you regroup to re charge and come back a better, calmer, person.
Please do look after you, you too are important and without you, your children will not make progress.
Hugs to you xx
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Post by sockthing on Feb 13, 2016 8:15:26 GMT
So sorry mud lark
Sounds like you are really having a tough time emotionally.
I recognise this and think I had mild versions of it in the first 2 years with K. I very very occasionally have it now but it doesn't last long and is always a sign I haven't been getting me time to reboot.
Interestingly as I was reading your post and the description that it's a result of your children's erratic connection to you, the trauma of on again, off again rejections while you constantly striving so hard to reach out to them; it occurred to me this is what Kipper experienced from his birth mother, an unreliable and erratic connection and he never had that stable first connection. So what you are experiencing is probably a parallel to your own children's experiences and your emotional reaction is a "flight/freeze". Very interesting then that Dan Hughes treats it with PACE! It also just shows how much secondary trauma you are living with.
I agree with the others you must not feel guilty about it. You wouldn't want Lapwing to feel guilty about her trauma would you??
You know, if what you are experiencing is a parallel to your children's emotional fear and shutdown, then maybe it will eventually give you an even greater insight and eventually make you stronger. But for now it's about survival! Please do find something to do regularly for you where you can't think about the children.
If there is no one to do PACE for you then maybe try approaching yourself tat way - you already are very self-reflective and curious but now you need acceptance and of yourself, and to find some playfulness just for you.
Unfortunately I think the therapist is right - just plod through the motions when you can. Fake it till you make it. I found that forcing myself to make the smallest gesture of love to kipper got me through. The odd tube of smarties for example - something slightly detached like that so that if he rejected it it was less personal than a kiss.
Hugs xxxxxx
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Post by sivier on Feb 13, 2016 10:13:41 GMT
Thank you for sharing this mudlark. Interesting to hear about blocked care - has a few resonances here, too. Incredibly tricky for you. The therapist's advice sounds a sensible practical response for right now - are you going to get some additional/ongoing therapeutic input for you on this?
Big big big hugs to you. xx
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Post by wibbley on Feb 13, 2016 18:37:13 GMT
Hi
It all sounds very hard. I've definitely been there before too. It can still come and go, but you can get through it. Which I know is so much easier said than done.
Xx
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Post by mudlark on Feb 14, 2016 21:12:00 GMT
Thanks everyone. It is a question of plodding through, and trying not to allow my emotions to get the better of me. Mr M has been very good this weekend, he is not usually very good at empathy ( his comfort zone is too look for a solution) but this weekend he was very empathetic, I did wonder whether he'd been on a secret empathy training course....
It is always the right advice given here which is we must look after ourselves, it is sometimes hard to even know where to begin with that.
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Post by daffin on Feb 14, 2016 21:27:59 GMT
Sorry to hear this Mudlark.
I agree with the others. Look after yourself. Be kind to yourself. Try to take regular time off to do something fun. Silly, even. And exercise. And good food. Fresh air. All those good things.
I think Sockthing is spot on, too, with the suggestion of giving Lapwing little gifts from time to time. They are called reconciliation gestures in NVR. I have given Monkey Boy chocolates, glo sticks, little fireman Sam figures, done treasure hunts, drawn pictures for him, sent text messages to DH with pictures for MB when I'm out etc. He loves them and it has helped to soften my heart to the rejecting, angry, hard little boy that he is and see more of the funny, playful kid in there, too.
Ultimately you will feel warmth and affection to both children again, but when you are taking such a huge battering it makes sense for your heart to withdraw.
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Post by daffin on Feb 14, 2016 21:31:01 GMT
Our posts crossed.
On looking after yourself...... Book Mr Mudlark for babysitting duty once a week and go OUT. If a friend can't join you, go alone. At it's worst with MB, I did this and would go to the cinema, watching whatever was on at our local art house cinema. It was great escapism and I couldn't brood or strategise or fret.
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Post by bop on Feb 15, 2016 8:55:05 GMT
In terms of looking after yourself, start with the basics - sleep, food and exercise and find ways to improve these
Some of my self care stuff:
We have a dog and I walk her lots - fresh air and time alone is fab, sometimes I walk with a friend, sometimes I even run
I also dance (tap is great as its so hard you can't think of anything else!)
I go to bed at a sensible hour
I practice mindfulness
I pray and read my bible
I make myself a really nice healthy lunch
I choose carefully what else I do - anything that drains me and isn't absolutely necessary gets drops, draining and necessary is limited to bare minimum
If I'm struggling I have a down day where I just do nice stuff all day - stuff the housework etc!
You need to find what works for you and builds you up and introduce those things to your day/week
Hugs
Bop
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Post by mooster on Feb 15, 2016 10:22:22 GMT
Sending hugs to everyone who recognises this in themselves - I certainly do.
AD currently using our home as a storage facility for dirty clothes along with a number of other issues. My empathy button is flickering wildly - I know why things are happening but can't quite summon the insides of me to respond how I know I should.
As with most things I know it will pass if I hang in there long enough.
xx
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Post by rosie on Feb 16, 2016 0:28:59 GMT
I've felt like this at times with our dd, though was not aware it was 'blocked care'. It can be so relentless with our children. Glad to hear from your posts today that you have had a better day. As others have said it is so important to find times in the week when you can have a break and try to think about something different.
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