Just as I think it's all over...

Yes it is....but I have my AUK boots on...and geography will keep my nose out of her life too.

In fact although I will send her some cash to relieve the visa problem I will not go to the bank today....because I don't want to

Learning to let go....little by little

How is Mackerel in his new school/life?

In a trice so many emotions once again stirred up - so very very hard for you all.

What struck me from your post (probably because it is something so familiar territory to me) is the control she is seeking to exert across the miles and gosh don't they put a lot of energy into thinking about what will hook you in - how and when you forgive her is yours to decide. Our ds has to make his own peace with what he has done and find his own forgiveness for himself as and when he is able. Knowing that he is not able to make us keep carrying all the hurts he has caused not least to his sister I think created a profound change in our relationship. It's hard to write but sadly the truth is that for us projecting his hurt onto us was and is if we let him - the dysfunctional dynamic in his relationship with us. As and when we do have contact (currently none for quite a while for no particular reason...) he knows we are more immune to his machinations and each year that has passed has meant that we have become more able to accept that this is our reality - meanwhile we work on the task that is making his sister more resilient for the years ahead. The last contact was when he said he was coming over with a card and a present for his sister 9 months ago and then nothing....so we understand his methodology, protect ourselves where we can, show our forgiveness by actively welcoming him as and when, giving him another chance and keeping ourselves strong in the interim. One can always hope that one day ....but in reality this is just how it is albeit it has taken a long time to get here. For my dh it has taken much much longer not least to fathom things and especially his own vulnerabilities and hurt - a very painful reckoning for him when he has seen his son's behaviour and how he has been duped or played in the cold light of day and echoes of similar behaviours in our dd (though to a lesser extent). we are all still works in progress 12 years on from starting this dance of trying to stay connected - now we 3 here take much comfort in knowing that what we were and are still in his head and will always be - for every firework he sees break across a sky overhead, every Christmas card, every plant, flower, film or place that his eyes will fall on - similarly every smell or sound or in your case bubbles - they are bound to us and we to them. for us pretty much most days now that thought is really enough to fill our hearts and you know I even caught myself in the moment whilst standing in my kitchen cooking the other day and it was a good feeling - something is finally replacing the many tears, the hurt, the pain that once lived there so very very often.

It's a long path to who knows where for all of us....

Much love and much strength along the way

Mxx


Ps For dad's especially and no doubt like my dh they fret and forever worry about their little girls and want to protect them from the world but at least your dd seems to have found and maintained a relationship with someone who seems somewhat decent.

Thanks for the update Corkwing - I'd been wondering too. Good to hear things are more positive for him.....

Here is my cynical pre-Christmas season translation
'...funds from birth family have dried up and there are no other willing hosts. I will now apply maximum charm to the most likely source of support.'

If you only ever hear from someone when they want goods or services, does it constitute a relationship?

((Kizim)) I'm so sorry

Make a mental note: I will not financial support or give this girl money for the coming 5 years. You do not need her, and that is the message she has to feel in order no longer to manipulate you. At the moment she is not a pleasant human being and if I was you I would cut all contact for a year, instead of living in hope. That is than your decision, not hers. If you stop playing her games she will soon get bored.

Sounds like the leopard hasn't changed her spots, at least not yet.

Sadly predictable.

Hugs xx

Kizim - I was so sorry to read all this and am sending you lots of good thoughts to help you stay strong and find you way through all this, so heartbreaking when you are still there for her.

It is so hard to find that piece of stable ground where you can maintain your sanity, feel some control and not get so bruised by all her antics.

Thinking of you all

Mooster x

Dear Kizim
I am really sorry Enigma has bitten you again. No way did you deserve that vicious savaging after your decent, supportive behaviour. She did not even have the grace to say thank you.

Distance clearly does not stop electronic communications but it does stop her rolling up physically and causing mayhem.

(((Kizim DH and Whizz)))
Happy New Year in your new world
Xxx Damson

Sending you hugs, Kizim.

Sadly, I have come to the same conclusion - and have made it clear in a final, very brief message to Enigma that unless there is a significant change I do not want any further contact.

The relief I felt at not having to deal with her crazy lies and scheming anymore hurt more than making the decision - I feel a little guilty to have stepped away. However, she is a few months off her 20th birthday and really she was running away for stretches at a time from the age of 16...and she is certainly a survivor!

We are off to the seaside tomorrow where we will see in the New Year. I love to walk on the beach on New Year's Day....hopefully it will blow away all the carp stuck in my head from this year and I can focus better on my new job and on Whizz and DH.

Thank you for being there....there is one thing...I now feel better equipped to offer support to fellow sufferers!
HNY