Feel panicky about choosing schools

Whoops!! Sorry, got waylaid by falling stairgates and the ringing phone 

i found out by chance to day that a school I am interested in for kipper has an open morning in 2 weeks. I only found out by accident - I had wrongly assumed that the first step was getting our letters explaining the process.    Now worried in case I've missed all sorts of important info and other open days. How do people know these things? I only found out cos my friend has kids at said school. 

Anyway, i feel rather anxious about how to judge what school is going to be right for our clever, imaginative, sensitive and complicated little boy. He has possibly got Social Communication Difficulties, though not yet clear to what extent, has some sensory processing issues though not yet clear to what extent, and has possibly had attachment issues. To the casual observer he seems really quite "normal" but he is inclined to high anxiety levels, and I suspect there may be issues about understanding social nuances. He also struggles to sit for very long and i

What sort of things should I be looking for in a school under these circumstances? What sort of questions do I need to ask? 

What do I need to know about how they approach discipline, bullying? Pastoral care?

I guess I need to ask the following:

what experience of adopted children do they have?
do they have experience of attachment problems?
what experience do they have of children with SCD and ASD.

if I ask all these things are they going to be put off us!?

feel totally clueless and any kind advice would be appreciated. 

Thanks 

Sympathies Sockthing!...I was consumed with anxiety over this issue for the best part of a year....

Not sure how much I can add to annie70's good advice. But yes definitely ask about practical experience with adopted or looked after children. Also ask about systems/ways of dealing with 'poor' behaviour eg do they have cloud/sun charts, traffic light systems etc? Be wary if so, especially if shame is an issue with Kipper as this might underscore those feelings. Also try to get a feel about how flexible they would be if Kipper is not coping well with something - for example allowing him to come home for lunch for a while, if he struggled with a big noisy lunch hall.

I only looked at two schools, both 10/15 mins walk from my house. I probably should have looked at more but really wanted to be able to walk to school, partly to do with my AD's separation issues and her knowing that I was only ever a short walk away. One school was Ofsted 'Outstanding' - most local parents would gnaw their arms off to get a place there - and another which was Ofsted 'Good'.  Parent reports on both were largely positive.

I chose the 'Good' over the other as they seems so knowledgeable about adoption, and ready to listen to me and to improve their teachers' knowledge where they could. The SENCO there mentioned attachment, Dan Hughes and Kate Cairns before I'd really pressed her too much. They've got an unassuming, very approachable and very good Head who has just provided attachment training for all the teachers. They have quite a diverse intake (relatively, for where I live) and a practical understanding of social issues. The other school nodded when I asked about understanding attachment but didn't elaborate, they responded with 'oh yes we get that with a lot of our Reception children' when I touched on separation issues (sigh), the Head pointed out some adopted children when we looked round the school (!) until I stopped him. They are much more structured and high achieving school and could probably resource additional help if it was needed for AD - but I didn't really feel a connection with them. So gut is important, I think. 

Sorry a bit of a waffle but I think I'm trying to say that a visit and a chat with the school (try to see the SENCO too) will probably really help you decide things. If they make you feel you are 'putting them off', then I'd seriously question the suitability of that school anyway. And if it's a state school then it's not up to them, available places will be allocated by the Local Authority and Kipper should have priority place on the list as a previous LAC.

Good luck and please feel free to PM.

x

That's a good point by kstar, a willingness to listen and to learn is really important. If they don't have much experience on this but are open to how they can learn, what you recommend they read etc, then that would be very positive.

Sockthing,
There is a thread started by Knight on the Prospective Adopters Board, which you might like to read if you haven't already seen it which gives advice on how to chose a school, things to look out for etc.

Excellent waffle Sooz!  

Patanya has started a thread on the School/Education section of the Resources Board which you might like to add your thoughts to. She is hoping to gather information to consruct a leaflet tha adopters could give to schools to educate them on the types of ways our children may differ to other children.

Have a look.
jmk

Look also into special schools, as it is already clear that he has special needs. You might want to get him tested to determen or he has 'only' autism or also learning disabilities. And yes children with learning disabilities can present really bright, make clever comments and are very able in other areas than learning. Better to know for sure when they are young than hope for the best and have the child struggle through school. In that case starting of in a special school might give him the best chances to succeed.

I'd avoid taking Kipper. You need to be completely undistracted and be able to ask tricky questions the first time you go. I would be very surprised if you put them off with the issues you raise - the schools will all be very keen to have your attention. They will all be able to talk about attachment (it's very voguish). They will all come across as being very focused on supporting children with SEN.

However I do think it's a very tricky situation. Our children went to three different primary schools after they came to live with us - they are both now at the local high school. The first primary was a large, inner city, two form entry primary school with loads of kids with special needs and many different cultural and language issues too - it was rated as Ofsted 'good' and had not been our first choice of school. It was by far the best school they have experienced. They were relatively switched on to the issues raised by adoption as there were a number of children from adoptive or fostered families. They invited a speaker to go in to speak at a twilight training session and the head teacher and SENCO were keen to engage with us and to properly relate to our children's needs. They did have an expertise of supporting children from all sorts of difficult backgrounds, refugees, many for whom English was not spoken at home, high levels of poverty, abusive parents, very non-nuclear families, mixed with high achieving middle class media and arts types.

But then we moved - secondary school was looming and we did not have the same confidence in the school that my DS would be going to. We deliberately moved to a place with a primary school that we thought was ideal - small, safe, lovely play areas, chilled out children, calm and loving environment. But it was dreadful for our kids, mostly because they were so different. The school had said ALL the right things but one of the teachers turned out to be a real bully, her own daughter being at the school and one of the children my DD had trouble getting on with. Now, I know that we moved them rather than starting at the beginning and this would help, but I saw teachers and TAs behaving or talking about other SEN kids in unacceptable (to me) ways. SEN kids were a problem for them but they would never, ever have admitted or even seen that. We completely hadn't picked it up. Eventually we moved our DD to another school. I worried about it so much and had a lot of support and advice from people on the old AUK boards - particularly Garden. We really talked to school this time, made double sure it was the right thing to do, spoke at length to the head, the SENCO and the class teachers. But we didn't really know any other parents to talk to, to check.

Anyway it seemed fine to start with but it turned out badly. Again, her differences made her very difficult to be accepted and liked either by the other kids or even by most of the teachers. I witnessed some appalling behaviour from the other girls in her year towards her (although no doubt she alienated them). The school seemed completely unable to do anything about any issues at all, despite having spoken to us and convinced us that it was a good move. They didn't 'get it' after all.

As a result of all this, I think that prospective schools speak with forked tongues. And I am a teacher (but I wasn't then) ! We well and truly got hoodwinked, persuaded and assured that in both instances, these schools were exactly right for our children. Turns out that their exactly right is a long way from ours but we couldn't possibly have known. I am aware now that some other parents think that this school performs poorly with children who have SEN or any other pastoral needs, but it was absolutely not clear to us at the time - quite the opposite.

So my advice would be to be suspicious of all the rhetoric - and there will be plenty of that - and do your own groundwork. Speak to other parents - especially those who have older children with SEN or even ones who have left - they will be less likely to have a vested interest in the school! But the school won't point you in the direction of parents who might be critical - you'll have to hunt them down for yourself. But it is definitely worth doing. Dig for problems because you can be sure if there are any, you are the type of family who will come across them. Sorry to be so cynical but my experience tells me to be.

There are some benefits to 'big'. Resources, larger sea to be an odd fish in, more likely to have other kids with problems too. Small and 'pastoral' is exactly what became a worry for me, but of course it depends on the school and yours might be 1000% better than mine.

Stick to your guns though, you need to see the SENCo.

Though, sorry, that's what you might mean when you say 'speak to the SENCO' ie when you visit, rather than beforehand on the phone...durr.