Post by damson on Jul 31, 2015 5:40:39 GMT
Our children live apart, and have done for over 2 years now.
Without a doubt, both are doing better apart.
DD lives with foster parents, DS with us.
They are getting to be grown ups, at least to the outside world.
DD is still very much part of our family, and comes round most weeks.
And she and DS are still faithfully exercising their trauma bond.
Dd tramples all over DS' privacy by publicly demanding to know lots of information that he does not even reveal to us.
And she has no idea that this = aggression, as she thinks she has a right to know these things 'because he is my brother.'
So he turns verbally nasty and is vile to her, and she gets upset and complains to us.
And we say 'stay away from him, no need for him to treat you like carp. Come and hang out with us instead.'
To no avail, she can't stay away from him. If anyone else is about, he is even worse, as he has an audience to play as well.
I suppose that we have forgotten the obvious, that they never could 'play nicely', and when they lived together, we spent a lot of our lives keeping them apart.
And we have forgotten that they are not ordinary family who can be mixed with ordinary guests and it will work out ok.
And forgotten our resolution to reduce the amount of overlap between DD and DS.
Do trauma bonds ever resolve satisfactorily as people grow older? Or do people just get better at avoiding the area of conflict?
Without a doubt, both are doing better apart.
DD lives with foster parents, DS with us.
They are getting to be grown ups, at least to the outside world.
DD is still very much part of our family, and comes round most weeks.
And she and DS are still faithfully exercising their trauma bond.
Dd tramples all over DS' privacy by publicly demanding to know lots of information that he does not even reveal to us.
And she has no idea that this = aggression, as she thinks she has a right to know these things 'because he is my brother.'
So he turns verbally nasty and is vile to her, and she gets upset and complains to us.
And we say 'stay away from him, no need for him to treat you like carp. Come and hang out with us instead.'
To no avail, she can't stay away from him. If anyone else is about, he is even worse, as he has an audience to play as well.
I suppose that we have forgotten the obvious, that they never could 'play nicely', and when they lived together, we spent a lot of our lives keeping them apart.
And we have forgotten that they are not ordinary family who can be mixed with ordinary guests and it will work out ok.
And forgotten our resolution to reduce the amount of overlap between DD and DS.
Do trauma bonds ever resolve satisfactorily as people grow older? Or do people just get better at avoiding the area of conflict?
