picking battles

Could have written the same post myself! Youngest wants to be looked after all the time so she resents suggestions she does things herself. However at least she doesn't spend much time in her bedroom.Oldest spends hours on her bed surfing the net (or whatever it is she does) dropping stuff all around her. Occasionally she puts washing in the laundry basket but often that includes clean stuff she's got out then decided not to wear!

I haven't an answer other than that helping them with it is the only way. 14 year old can sometimes manage alone after much nagging and there is a chink of light in that she has actually sorted through her things and chucked some stuff out for the first time ever recently. But mostly she seems to find it too overwhelming - know how she feels as I feel the same looking at the mess!!

I am not sure it is about recreating a chaotic home life though. Dd1 never lived with bf and came to us at 12 months. I think it's more a case of genetics and personality. She isn't an organised type. (Dd2 is though, she just feels I am usurping my mum role if I ask her to do jobs - she's fine about tidying at school!)

Actually getting homework done is an easier task here and that's saying something!

We're just 'exploring' this one at the moment ;-) I feel that my job is to get him to be able to manage adult life as well as is possible and therefore doing some jobs around the house is not too much to ask. And when I say jobs I mean things that will benefit him - dirty washing, throwing out rubbish from packed lunch,etc. it has taken a couple of weeks of firmness, read battleground, before message and acceptance is in. I'm lucky in that once he really gets the message they need to be done or all extra activities are cancelled then he does it and with acceptance and softness and we move slowly on to the next set of expectations. We do get the odd week of calm before next issue arises to test my ability to stay calm

We've been working with some parent mentors and have come to realise that paret of the problem is our kids are still struggling with being dependent on adults and at some level still need us to do stuff for them, as you would a younger child.

We used to have the battles over tidying rooms and putting away clean clothes - now I just do it quietly and I've been amazed that they really appreciate it...it builds their sense of self worth that I want to look after them. They are now 11 and 13 so I hope that one day they will be able to do it themselves, but for now, building relationship and dependence is more important, so I do it (and actualy its quicker than nagging and battles!).

Spontaneously they do help - they might cook us a meal or tidy up/hoover, but set chores are just too hard for now....

Bop

What I did with mine with some success..but not always was yes pocket money would be withheld if I had to do it, I would do it with them as a sort of time in. but the easiest way in our home was me to organise things for them, so they had dress rails and not wardrobes, as things were washed dried folded ironed I put them straight on a hanger and would just go and hang it all up, school uniform was put on those over the door hooks so that I could see at a glance if uniform was needed, reduced the number of drawers so only underwear was there, shoes were in a box on wheels under the bed. Up till the ages of 15ish this worked well, then they did not want me in their rooms, so the rules changed again, if they did not bring their washing baskets down then no washing was done, their rooms were a tip, so again I would just go in and do them and if they made a fuss it was down to them because I did not want to live in a tip. Sadly none of them have my standards and ow at 20/18/17 they stilll llive in chaos, it does not mean anything to them, they are all more tha capable of tidy rooms but they choose chaos. You will find somethig that works for you.

I have the same problem -they will do it but only after significant nagging! The standard response from DS is 'I'm a 21st century child, we don't help out about the house' while DD says the same but also pointed out that I wanted children so I adopted so it is up to me to look after them. I am gob-smacked ! consultant is starting a new system to help DD with ODD so I will see what happens and might use it with DS too.

Cale
x

As a twentieth century born parent, i expect ALL the family to tale a turn at helping out in the house. And since the 21st dentury robots havent yet come down to a managable price, they will just have to live in a 20th C way too.
We chose to have kids. Yes. And we tell those kids that therefore, it is our job as parents to bring up those kids well, and that includes the said kids learning to pull their weight and learn some life skills and responsibility e.g. Chores
i once offered to compare notes with other parents about what they made their kids do, chorewise. There was a big climb down from mine when they realised they got off lightly compared to others !

The problem with 'if you are the only one who sees it as a problem it's your problem', is that children are barely able to look to tomorrow let alone 10 years further.
Being reasonable tidy, helping to clean, do tasks etc are skills to be learned. They will benefit later in life if they have those skills. 
Yes it might give a fight to get them to do it, but..... after you've done the fighting your life is so much easier. 
Create a situation so it affects you least, like in my case. I know most kids learn slow, are very reluctant to do anything, but that's the whole point, be creative and finding solutions what work.

Never give in, never accept a half done job, and let them practise until it comes out of their ears. For example my children have to muck out the ponies daily (every other day for each child). It is very simple if they do a carppy job they have to muck out every day for a week (no warnings given, they know). Good work mean no full wheelbarrows, no forks, shovels laying around, absoluut spotless clean, etc.

Ofcourse they protested, refused etc, but that is not my problem. I can refuse much more things they care about, like cooking, bringing them to activities, going cycling, swimming with them etc, etc.
Basically whatever they come up with in protest they will pull the short straw.

The thing in life is also they have to learn to accept authority, if they can't their future is bleak. Things like cleaning a bedroom are excellent practise moments, if you let them go by, how do you ever learn the child to accept authority, do what's being asked, and doing it without attitude?

My youngest can switch the attitude button on an off by commant, I accept only tasks done with good attitude. If he does it but is rude and horrible it just means more practise. Ones he mucked out 3 weeks in a row, that got his attitude sorted.

Sorry to say but we as parents have to take controle, and an attitude from 'it is my problem' does not sit well with me if it comes to normal things you might expect, like helping around the house.
It is right that it's your problem if you for example have a teeth grinding child who has profound learning disabilities and really can not help it. Than you have to find a way to accept. I am not ready to accept behaviours who if ignored will have a negative impact on my childs future. 

Fight the small battles thoroughly, the big battles will become easier too! 
It is all about how you present yourself, you can be empathic, loving, fun, but still get your way.

I am not saying there are no other ways, ofcourse there are. It is just the 'it is only your problem when you are the only annoyed one' what I find sort of sad. Like already given up, and we are not talking about 17 year olds here. 
You are right inside it might look differently but I believe in; work on the right behaviour first, as the trauma underneat is not going to be healed in a month. 
Also how more often you do the right thing how more likely it is to do it again, people tend to do the same thing over and over. Went to visit the same person twice? you are likely to sit in the same chair the second time round. 
Learn a skill and after a while you can do it on auromatic pilot if it is repeated often enough. Clear up your room and if it's done often enough and there is no way to get away with it, it will just be done one day.

I wish it did not have to be this way, I wish my children would listen and learn quickly, I wish I could just ask them things nicely 'could you please clear up your room today?' in a singing voice.
This they ignore, I get a respons by 'Clear up your room now!' in a stern voice. 

But it get's done that way, so that is than probably what they need. Your child might need a total different approach, but all I say is if it does not work try something else. And no it is nothing like parenting mainstream children without trauma, you can bring them up as freerange or super strict, in all likelyhood they will manage.
If adopted children do not improve after a method is used than do not get stuck, step away from the preacher who told you this is the only way things work with traumatised kids and try something else.
Often if a child has asd, fasd it is often much better to be parenting the autistic child or the fas child than the traumatised child, use methods for asd kids, for fasd kids. Their disability is often the biggest problem, their trauma comes second and can only be dealt with if they are enotional mature enough and have some ability to understand the complexities.

A choice of jobs works here....Snooz is not the best at tidying, but he likes to vacuum and dust and clear plates...so he gets to do those jobs mostly. Spur of the moment stuff works too, say he wants to go out somewhere I might say, yes ok we'll leave as soon as x or y is done, or ok I'll do x you do y then we can go.

I employed a cleaner for the first time in February when the DLA started coming. The day she came to visit, I showed her DD's room from the doorway and she recoiled slightly. I told her that she would really only be expected to vacuum as far as where the mess started.

However, things have changed drastically since then. We spent most of spring half-term working on DD's room, persuading her to part with rubbish, throwing out many bags of broken plastic and too-small clothes, painting over the scribbles and scratches, putting in a new bed with drawers underneath it. At the end we stood back and she was delighted, and a small sense of pride began to set in.

Now she knows that the cleaner will clean it, but only provided it's cleared up by Wednesday morning. Only once has she failed to do it. This has coincided with an improvement in behaviour that means she is far less likely to get angry and throw every piece of clothing she owns all over the floor (it's still happened a few times). Also, her interests have changed so that we no longer have Lego pieces everywhere. The whole thing is a revelation.

Helping out in the rest of our home not so much, though. She has accepted the "drinks and cutlery" routine that means I make dinner and she comes along at the last moment and spends two minutes preparing to eat it. But there is only a 50/50 chance that she will take her plate into the kitchen after she's finished, and a much lower chance that she will also take mine. And the cleaner has found cereal bowls under the sofa...

Also, it's all very well and good that DD's room is tidy, but she does it by abandoning most of her school stuff and clothes in my room when she comes in (we live in a flat and the bedrooms are closest to the front door), as well as usually rolling around on my duvet and sending everything that's on the bed flying onto the floor. The big problem on a Wednesday morning is whether I can get MY room tidy enough for the cleaner to clean.