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Post by milly on Jun 19, 2015 7:34:50 GMT
Dd2 went on her first overnight trip with school yesterday. She has never been able to sleep away from us over night before so we have been planning how to deal with this for months. Initially she was very anxious at the prospect so we talked to the head and arranged for her to have a smaller room with self chosen friends, a teacher she liked to be there for her at bed time etc.
There was talk about visiting the centre beforehand but in the end we didn't do this as dd seemed to relax about the whole thing and said she didn't think she needed to (and I don't think it would have made a difference). She was so happy in the last few weeks about it that we didn't even meet with the designated teacher to explain how they might support her at bedtime - am kicking myself now as at midnight last night we got a call to say she couldn't settle and DH went to collect her (only half hour trip luckily) - he is now out taking her back for breakfast. Dd was calm on her return and went straight to sleep in her bed.
I just so wanted it to work for her - she has a three night trip in years 6 and the secondary school she will go to do one early on in year 7. She will also be joining guides in September and there's the chance of her going on guide camp next summer. Now we will need to rethink and try to get her through the next school trip. My first thoughts are to be available at bedtime and settle her, if necessary to stay the night at the centre too (different place from this trip and further away)
But I am also wondering if there is any support we could request for her - psychologist maybe, if I can convince the GP it is a problem. After all, it's not essential for a child to go on overnight trips. My own sister didn't do it until she was at secondary school as she refused to join in anything that would give her the opportunity - eg never went to Brownies and Guides like I did.
But dd has a history of being really good when given external help - her speech therapist was easily able to improve the intelligibility of her speech - she used to pronounce most letter sounds incorrectly so people couldn't understand her. She also gave up her dummy at night when the SLT told her to! She had physio and improved some issues with balance very quickly. So I imagine maybe this could be resolved too.
There are issues at bedtime at home, on and off. I do think these have improved a lot of late but she can be either reluctant to be left alone OR become very distressed and angry that she can't relax and sleep. But has been fine for the past few weeks.
Older dd had similar fears about trips and went on the same trip dd2 is now on - but when the staff offered for us to collect her, she refused point blank and was able to settle in the end! (But she has never had the same degree of anxiety around bedtime, just trouble falling asleep when younger)
I know it's not a massive issue but I feel so disappointed as I really thought this could be a turning point for her. (On the other hand, it does show the school that dd really does have some issues. they rarely see anything and the head said airily that in many years he had only ever had one child before who couldn't stay the night on a trip. Well, he's doubled that now!)
Any ideas for moving on? Grandparents are all too elderly / frail to have dd for an overnight stay. And I can't think of anyone else who would be suitable - only my sister's family but they are too far off to experiment with. |
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Post by mooster on Jun 19, 2015 9:09:14 GMT
Well she tried and got quite a long way so don't beat yourselves up. I am not sure there would be many head teachers who have only had one child go home....
A couple of ideas that you may have thought of or tried or may be rubbish!
Try setting up sleeping camps in different rooms in the house.
Could you have a special friend for a sleepover? Just really low key. Think about who you choose, make sure it is a Mum who is local and who understands and hope they ask back.
My daughter did the one night stay but then refused to go on the four night stay.......
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Post by sooz on Jun 19, 2015 9:22:31 GMT
Snooz recently had two nights away, he was talked through it all regularly and Snooz and I and his LSA went to go take a look around the week before. Apparently he was fine but he hasn't slept properly in his own bed since (it's been a month now)!
Anyway, practice practise....tent in the garden...hotel/b&b with adjoining rooms or adjacent rooms...sleepovers....anything you can think of that will help build up that confidence of sleeping without you around.
And..she went, she tried it...gave it her best shot...and went back! That took guts xxx
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gertie1
New Member
Married Adopter
Posts: 19 
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Post by gertie1 on Jun 19, 2015 16:41:59 GMT
Great advice & I honestly think you've done a great job. The fact she wasn't as anxious & was able to go is a massive deal (as well as settling when she came home).
If it's any consolation I couldn't do overnight trips away out with family. Regularly stayed with family in hols etc but first trip with school - I had my parents do the midnight trip much to the annoyance of teachers as they thought I should be fine. I tried a few years later with friends across the road and woke up friends big sister to say I was going home. By 17 that had all changed. Btw I'm not adopted but I am an adopter and knows how much my lil guy will struggle with this.
X x
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Post by pingu on Jun 20, 2015 8:25:46 GMT
Sometimes i wonder if parents are too available ! I help with scouts and while we had one go home from camp last month ( because he had just had a plaster taken off a broken arm and was unable to join in some activities and the rain was making him miserable after sticking it out for two days,) I generaly find that, if we are too far away for easy pick up, they tend to settle because they know nothing can be done about it.( this is ten and eleven yeear old i am referring to) they then wake up in the morning pleased that they stayed , and enjoy the rest of camp.
Younger kids never used to have trips away as early as they do now, and i would guess some just arent ready for it. I went to guide camp ,but i wouldnt have wanted to go to a school camp when i was in primary school because the kids who bullied me would be there !
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Post by cowgirl on Jun 20, 2015 8:45:52 GMT
My eldest at 8 yo (year 4) had his residential trip & it never occurred to us he would struggle.
He sobbed himself to sleep every night. On return the teacher told me he struggled yet I was never called ! Every child told their own parents how miserable he was.
He can't hack it & didn't go on the year 6 trip. I helped at clubs last year & although I was in a room next door & he was with his friends he was a mess. Also I've noticed a pattern in that on every holiday he has a bedtime accident & that's with us !
My neighbours child - similar age can't handle sleepovers either. Had a melt down whilst her parents were at a wedding & her gramma was babysitting her in her own house. The parents came home from the wedding.
Milly - I think your daughter was fantastic to even go. Good on her. She rocks !!!
She can't be the only one not going surely ? In my eldest year of approx 120 about 40 didn't go. Religion, homesickness, money for a few reason. My eldest said they had an awesome week. He did struggle when they go back as he wasn't part of their stories.
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Post by cowgirl on Jun 20, 2015 8:52:08 GMT
Milly - sent you a pm
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Post by bop on Jun 20, 2015 9:56:08 GMT
I think our kids do struggle with being away from home - its another change and often bedtime is a tricky time of day anyway.
DS struggles most here - he has come home from residential camps for the night and gone back for the day's activities, been picked up from sleepovers in the early hours and avoided other residential trips. Even DD2 struggled with her school residential - she managed to stay both nights, but was wobbly for a week or so after - at the time she said it was brilliant, but a few days later it emerged she'd really struggled and missed us but not wanted to be different in front of her friends.
I tend towards experimenting with things like this - have contingencies in place and view anything they do manage is viewed as a success.
Bop
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Post by caledonia on Jun 23, 2015 11:59:13 GMT
DS and DD have both done school trips. We have arranged several sleep overs with friends from school before hand and arranged for them to be in small rooms with those friends and it has worked. DS did a 2 week army cadet camp last year with few issues and we are hoping DD will manage too this year but she is saying she will find it hard to be away from me for so long. We have arranged phone calls whenever she wants and she has done weekend camps and the same girls, including some older ones who look after her will be there and are aware she might be wobbly. time will tell............
When DD did a sleep over in the earlier days (2 - 3 years after coming home) so she was about 8 or 9 her friends parents called as she was sobbing her heart out. When I got there I could hear her crying from the street which is so unlike her. She settled reasonably quickly and the parents of her friend asked me to stay until she settled and went to sleep as they wanted to help her feel safe in their home. It worked a treat and she actually asked me to leave after about an hour - the fact that the parents wanted her to stay and took steps to make her feel safe, helped her feel safe. Perhaps school could let you go there for bedtime to help her settle if its not too far away?
Good luck
Cale
x
Cale
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Post by milly on Jun 23, 2015 15:52:51 GMT
Thank you all for your replies - it's good to know we are not alone! The thing is dd gets along just fine with her peers and enjoys tbe activities - it just seems to be a fear of falling asleep without us there.
But you're right there were lots of positives. One thing dd told me was that she 'faced her fear of heights' when doing crate stacking. She isn't worried about her friends knowing either (and she can be very sensitive). In fact she told lots of them up ahead she was worried. So she must feel safe with them.
Not sure how to sort it for next time. Maybe I'll see if I can stay nearby and go to settle her at bedtime. (But fear I'll be doing that every night.....)
However, one small step occurs. Dd has never been keen on having a babysitter in the evening. We have had tbe same one (or sometimes her daughter) for some years. Dd now grudgingly accepts it but I realise that of late she has refused to actually go to bed until we're home. So she'll lie on the sofa with her duvet but not sleep.
So we have decided to work on that first - will offer juicy rewards if she will go to bed and be asleep on our return. Also need to increase the frequency that we use a babysitter too as we haven't done it much lately. (good excuse!)
After all if she can't sleep at home without us there, we can hardly expect her to sleep elsewhere without us. (She's fine on holiday, we have been to lots of different places)
Another factor could be overtiredness. She can be a nightmare when tired but I don't suppose that can be so easily avoided on a school trip.
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Post by milly on Jun 25, 2016 20:33:34 GMT
ONE YEAR ON......Ok so it's now the second day of dd2's year 6 trip and YAY she spent last night there!! The first time ever she has been away over night from both of us! I feel so pleased for her and proud she has managed it at last. It's been very up and down these last few months with dd2 accusing everyone of trying to 'force' her to go but in the last few weeks she has calmed down a lot, got excited about buying some new things for the trip and begun to consistently cope much better with bedtimes at home.
We have also had ups and downs with the babysitter (we only have one very occasionally) but last week she went to bed (in our bed, not hers) and fell asleep while we were out for the evening.
We decided not to book somewhere to stay near the venue, and told her so. We also had a good meeting with the school very recently so felt assured they were determined to make things work this time. However we were still anxious last night and dreading bad news this morning but instead dd's key worker phoned and said dd had remained calm, that she had struggled to relax into sleep but that after a couple of hours she had dropped off and was very happy with herself this morning. Hoping the staff member won't have a two hour wait by dd's bed every night for the rest of the stay...
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Post by jmk on Jun 26, 2016 7:34:03 GMT
Fantastic news Milly.
So glad DD did it, it will do wonders to her self esfeem and confidence that she managed to stay over this year.
I never did any overnight stays when I was a child, (not until secondary school), as they didn't do them in my day. The only time I remember sleeping away from home was when I was 6 and my parents went to Morrocco for a week on a golfing holiday. Myself and my sister stayed at an Aunts house whilst my brothers stayed at another Aunts. I loved this Aunt and she made a huge fuss of me, but I do remember being terrified my mum and dad wouldn't come back. I kept it in all week, but when they came home I remember huge relief (and hidden anger ) that they had gone and left me in the first place despite having a nice time with my cousins, and I was a pretty securely attached child. I seem to remember making my dad promise be would never go away again without me.
It is a hard ask for adopted children in general to believe in permanence even if they are adopted young like I was. There is always a vulnerability there under the surface that is often ingrained in a sub concious memory even if you are not fully aware of it. Adopted kids fear abandonment more than most.
Just be aware that even though DD will be chuffed with herself for managing to stay, she still may throw some anger your way on her return (which may be her way of releasing relief that you and DH are still there for her).
Lots of praise all round for her being brave enough to do it and to you for being brave enough to let her go. Hopefully it won't be a one off.
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Post by milly on Jun 26, 2016 18:55:11 GMT
Thanks JMK. Yes I know she feels that vulnerability. Funnily, just before she went, she said she was afraid her bm would track her down and find her at the centre - she has mentioned similar re our home once or twice in the past but it isn't something she has particularly dwelt on. But it shows how vulnerable she feels, even though she knows it is illogical. She has often said she fears DH and I won't come home when we go out of an evening. But then I always imagine what being a widow would be like when DH goes off on a business trip abroad! So I do understand how these thoughts would go round her head.
Turned out last night it only took 20 minutes for her to fall asleep btw!
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Post by leo on Jun 27, 2016 18:27:06 GMT
What fantastic progress in a year -and actually also just in one night to settle so much faster.
This still seems an unrealistic dream for mine but its good to know there is hope!
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Post by cowgirl on Jun 28, 2016 13:38:22 GMT
great to hear Milly your daughter really is a rock star  my birth child has not progressed. He did a 1 night trip in May and only managed it because he stayed awake all night. He was due to go on a 2 night break with local youth club 3 weeks later and just couldn't manage it on the plus side my neighbours child (see my post above) has managed both of the trips my son couldn't manage and we have had no accidents from my son at night from him when we have been away. |
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