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Post by Janie2 on Jun 13, 2015 21:24:13 GMT
Hi,
I have 2 ad's - 24 and 20. Some of you will be aware of the major problems we have had with our younger ad.
DH and I are both in our early 60's and some of our small circle of friends are becoming grandparents. I am so pleased for them, but that nasty twinge of envy is back. I thought it had gone for ever when we adopted 2 little girl babies. Maybe one day our girls may have children, but oh how I wish I could have genetically related grandchildren. I worry that giving birth will bring all the issues of birth family to the fore if/when our elder daughter starts a family and that it may be the incentive for her to start the search, rendering me a second class granny. I dread our younger ad having children, and make all the "right" noises about life being ok not having children. She has so many issues I am scared they will be carried on in any child she has. She would end up being a single mother as she finds relationships very difficult.
Having birth children and then birth grandchildren is such a pleasure those lucky enough to have bc may take for granted.
I hate feeling like this and hate the feelings of what could have been had we been lucky enough to have birth children.
Does anyone else feel like this sometimes?
Spring
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2015 22:20:47 GMT
Many years later and watching friends children marry and graduate, raise their own babies etc with a twinge of envy I am now caring for our AD's children. You cannot change the route life has taken you. We have shared some successes with one of our AC and grieved the loss of many grandchildren with the other. we rejoice in the sheer delight and development and love of those we now care for, Pain but no regrets - adoption is a life long commitment but once adults we can only standby and pray.
Hang on in there and don't beat yourself - the feelings are natural!.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2015 6:33:03 GMT
Hugs ((((((((((Spring))))))))))))
The "what if's?" will always haunt us.
All we can do is hope and pray whatever grandchildren our kids produce can be spared some of what our kids went through and that we can love them as if they are our own.
We can do no more than that.
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Post by lemonade on Jun 14, 2015 21:08:25 GMT
Spring I feel your pain. It is something I too feel and believed I was the only one doing so, thank you for being so open and honest on here. My youngest AD Fizz had always been maternal thinking loved her dolls, wanted the prams etc even at age 12 while her peers would laugh at her for her young ways. She so wanted to get pregnant very young, and knowing her vulnerability I always feared she would. But as for a twist of fate she has been the one so far unable to conceive, she is now nearly 24yrs not in a stable relationship, has a boyf doing drugs, gambling, stealing money from her, but of course she loves him and wants to stay with him. Every month we go through the 'I think I might be pregnant' scenario. I feel dizzy, I am late, etc. I have tried to comfort reassure her saying. 'I do understand and know how she feels', her reply is 'no you don't, it was okay for you, you got us'!  It is heartbreaking knowing even if she did get pregnant the chances are strongly that any children would go the the way of our older AD Bubbles 25yrs (her half sis), who has proved unable to care for her two children  DH & I are now late 50's and yes our little circle of friends are now grandparents. I am sure they do not understand, having spoken to them how the pain of infertility and how the feelings continue on. A friend of mine recently posted a pic of her youngest of 7 children, the child she was pregnant with when DH & I had just lost ours. I remember her saying, 'this child should have been yours'. I know she meant well, but I still remember the feeling and it brought it all back seeing her now grown up son going into the world a respectable young man. Thank goodness for this site and that we can share our inner most thoughts with each other regarding the crazy world of adoption. Sending my love Lemonade xx |
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Post by mudlark on Jun 15, 2015 21:56:21 GMT
From a slightly different perspective. ..and sorry if it's a ramble...
We in our late 40's have adopted 2 children now aged 5 and 6.
My mother remarried after divorcing my father aged 60, to a lovely man now both are in early 70's. The man my mum married is called Grandpa by my adopted children. He never had children, he and his first wife could not have them. He then had the dubious delight of me and my two very grown up siblings all over 30/40 we never felt he was our dad or even stepfather.
My sister birth children aged 10 and 8 call him by his first name.
I decided he was as much a grandpa as I was a mum and my two adore him...they call him grandpa and I have to say he has grabbed the chance, his last chance and only chance to be a grandpa and loves those children so much.
I think its ok to grieve..but in the one life that we have, to take the opportunity to love and receive love back from children is a gift... I know he feels it....
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2015 7:15:37 GMT
Oh Mudlark, that's lovely, has brought tears to my eyes.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2015 7:38:31 GMT
Reminds me of when I was little.
Three of my grandparents were deceased before I was born/adopted and my mums mum died when I was about 4, so I barely remember her. We had elderly neighbours, both teachers, who had met late in life and had no children. They adored children and were brilliant with them. We adopted them as our grandparents and they were delighted to fill the role. We spent many happy hours in their company usually visiting after school, drinking ribena and having a biscuit, playing with their farm set on the kitchen table and if we were lucky one or the other of them would read us a story from their many books whilst sitting in front of their fire. Mr G was into gardening and they grew all their own food and spent many happy hours 'helping' him and learning all about plants and vegetables and sampling the produce. I was about 11 when Mrs G passed away and I was devastated, as I considered her my granny. Mr G lived for a long time after she passed away and he was still a part of our family until he eventually had to move into a care home. He lived until he was 93, a truly wonderful gentleman I felt proud to have known and have part of my life.
Family is what you make of it, not who you are related to. It's give and take on both sides. They valued us as much as we valued them and it was a lovely relationship where we all benefitted. Who needs blood relations?
My DD's haven't seen my ex's mother (her only grandchildren, as ex is an only child), for 7 years even though she only lives 3 miles from us. She walked out of our lives after a disagreement over EDD and never came back despite me trying to sort things out. Fact is she never saw my DD's as her 'real' grandchildren and is still pining over our deceased BC. She has no other relatives in this country and her and ex are not close at all. He only visits her when summoned if she wants him to do something for her. It is sad, but we are used to it and I consider it her loss as she was never close to my girls in the first place.
My mum has 8 grandchildren, my two here in the Uk, 3 in the US, and 3 locally but her neighbours 3 kids have adopted her as they have no grandparents. She was like Mrs G to them, they used to call into her after school and she did similar with them to what Mrs G did with us. They love her like she was related to them and even now they are all teenagers, they still call in and spend time with her and she loves it.
Find your own grandchildren. There are loads of families out therewho have no grandparents around either because they don't live nesrby or have passed away or are estranged. Everyone benefits from being around the older generation, they have so much to offer and I don't know of many parents who wouldn't be glad of a bit of respite if offered, even for a few hours a week.
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It is heartbreaking knowing even if she did get pregnant the chances are strongly that any children would go the the way of our older AD Bubbles 25yrs (her half sis), who has proved unable to care for her two children 
