redbush
New Member
Married Adopter
Posts: 37
|
Post by redbush on Jun 8, 2015 19:02:52 GMT
SW gave AD (15) her birth surname without checking with us. This lead to her contacting BM who lives in same town. BM has not agreed to go through SW to meet and discuss how we can manage this. AD refused to come home last night and was at BM's. BM refused to give us address and kept telling us her daughter was safe with her etc. Eventually police brought her home. Now BM will not reply to my texts, and AD goes to see her everyday . How can we keep her safe? Is there a legal basis for keeping her away from BM? Although actually I just wan tBM to ask me if she wants to see her not bypass me and collude with AD.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2015 19:51:44 GMT
OMG Redbush I am gobsmacked.
How on earth did any SW think that was appropriate, to by pass the parents and tell a 15 year old that information? If I were you I would be contacting a family solicitor and taking legal advice. SW deserves to get the sack for this.
Unfortunately I have been in a similar position with my DD's unadopted adult siblings encouraging my two to meet them for secret meetings. I have taken police advice and unfortunately the law is not on our side unless BF are keeping them there against their will.
There is a thread on the resources board under Adoption Legalities entitled 'Harbouring/abduction notices' which you may find helpful to read.
I don't want to post too much here on the open boards for obvious reasons, but am happy to talk by pm if you want/need to.
|
|
|
Post by bop on Jun 8, 2015 21:01:26 GMT
((Hugs))
This is incredibly hard, but sadly there is little you can do about it at this stage.
Our DD contacted her BF last year and made contact; SW knew and supported but she went beyond official contacts - however after a few months the novelty wore off and she came to realise why she had been removed and the reality of their situation and chose to cut contact....
I think you have to be patient and be there for your daughter and try to find space to let her talk to you (although 15 is quite a hard age for this). Hopefully this will end up being a valuable if difficult experience for her.
Bop
|
|
|
Post by pluto on Jun 9, 2015 5:35:55 GMT
Agree with jmk sort this out legally. Another reaon to stay far away from those so called professionals, my address was given to birth family and I ended up with threatening letters to my home address. Get a private investigator to follow your daughter and find out the address, (that's simple enough) I would want to know the address, if ss and police do not give it, get it yourself.
|
|
redbush
New Member
Married Adopter
Posts: 37
|
Post by redbush on Jun 9, 2015 9:01:05 GMT
Thanks everyone. When the police brought her home, BM was in the car too so she knows where we live too! If it wasn't so scary it would be hilarious. I have looked at the info board on harbouring etc, thank you, it's really helpful. Our local police service don't have anything like this on their website, so we may ask for a meeting with a senior officer, as we have had to call them out so many times for running away, it would useful to clarify on both sides what the situation is. The other thing is, the police said to her in the car "if you keep doing this you will be moved miles away" ----------------not only totally wrong, but a master-class in how to inflame a situation which is already highly combustible! AD is a bit hyper all the time, as it is all so exciting at the moment, but I hope like you said, bop, the novelty will wear off, and it will only take one incident of drug taking or scary people being around to send her running for cover I think. So we carry on "being there". Thank you all.
|
|
|
Post by pluto on Jun 9, 2015 9:57:11 GMT
Are you giving your daughter any concequences for this behaviour? like no longer allowed out alone? Or bringing and collecting her from school? Alarm or locks on doors etc. How great that the police brought bm as well........... but than your daughter herself will probably have told the address anyway. Let's hope the storm blows over, but contact a solicitor and ask what the options are. Be not afraid to set bounderies! As she obviously need those desperately.
|
|
|
Post by corkwing on Jun 9, 2015 13:41:46 GMT
Sending you hugs, Redbush. What an awful situation to be put in!
|
|
redbush
New Member
Married Adopter
Posts: 37
|
Post by redbush on Jun 10, 2015 14:09:32 GMT
Thank you.
|
|
|
Post by nzhb on Jun 10, 2015 20:59:06 GMT
This is SO awful for all of you. Is there someone senior in SS that you can meet with & talk through what has happened and request further assistance ( although goodness knows what) from their service? Seems sensible to meet with police. No matter what, you are all going to need lots of support and SS should do the decent thing & provide this or use the adoption fund and find some other way of providing specialist help. If you are in the south west I could give you a useful person.
Hang in tight.
|
|
redbush
New Member
Married Adopter
Posts: 37
|
Post by redbush on Jun 10, 2015 21:18:52 GMT
We are now going to get some visits from child protection SW because BM's address and associates are high risk (drug taking and violence). "expect to hear from someone in a week or two" AD came home with expensive clothes today, she had been bought by BM. SW has also said she can use some adoption fund money to fund some therapy/support for me and hub. All a bit after the horse has bolted, but something at least.
|
|
|
Post by peartree on Jun 13, 2015 9:16:45 GMT
Redbush what a shocking set of behaviours from stupid people who should know better I am so pleased to hear ss taking it seriously re cp But I do wish this Pandora's box hadn't been opened My ad is now in the awful position of ss assisting her opening the same bm scenario and now can't see any of us
|
|
|
Post by mrbop on Jun 13, 2015 9:31:09 GMT
Unbelievable. At what point will SW acknowledge that they have created the child protection issues? Or is that a stupid and naive question? Hope things settle down and the novelty wears off soon - I feel guilty for saying this but hope the "scare" comes soon (and isn't too big a scare) so that you aren't left on tenterhooks waiting for it and for reality to bite. The expensive presents will turn her head for a while and I fear you are going to get that aspect thrown at you. Thinking of you as this is just dreadful...
|
|
|
Post by milly on Jun 13, 2015 11:35:41 GMT
So sorry, sounds awful. It's about time there was legislation put in place to stop this kind of thing happening to vulnerable youngsters. And sws clearly need way more training to help them realise the true needs and vulnerabilities of adopted children. They are not mature and almost grown up at 15. And not at 16 or 18 or even older, I imagine. There should be a presumption that adopted teens need protection from birth family unless carefully investigated circumstances suggest otherwise.
|
|
|
Post by damson on Jun 13, 2015 21:49:26 GMT
Dear Redbush I've been thinking of you, hoping your girl is safe at home with you and bf are keeping their distance.
The genie is out of the bottle courtesy of social services, and the question is really how long will it take DD to realise that all that glitters is not gold? It's hard for our young people, as it would be so much more pleasant to find that bf were ok people, and it was the malicious system that removed them from their birth family. Rather than have to admit that they were either rejected, neglected, abused or endangered, or any combination of these. Maybe the Adoption Support Fund should be paying for some timely life story work for your DD.
xxx Damson
|
|
redbush
New Member
Married Adopter
Posts: 37
|
Post by redbush on Jun 15, 2015 10:46:22 GMT
I agree Milly -wouldn't it be good if it was mandatory for adopted children, their adoptive familes and the birth families had to go through a process of counselling etc before any contact details were given on either side.
Damson - we were just starting life story work, when telling her her birth family name was given as part of that - sw didn't discuss that with me at all and when I queried it later, I was told off and made to feel bad that I hadn't told her before, and I really should be talking more openly etc etc. PS never met this SW before and she know nothing of ADs character and how she was likely to respond. She has now said she is disapointed that AD followed up on BMs contact, as she had said she wouldn't - I said well you don't know AD, of course she was going to.
Had to pick her up from BMs the other night as she was drunk and throwing up everywhere. AD now upset that maybe she has upset BM and set her back onto drink and drugs - OMG when will this stop, help!
|
|
redbush
New Member
Married Adopter
Posts: 37
|
Post by redbush on Jun 15, 2015 10:48:54 GMT
PS thanks to everyone for kind words of support - it really does help. xx
|
|
|
Post by bop on Jun 15, 2015 11:11:28 GMT
((hugs))
Not sure if it was your AD or BM who was drunk - but hopefully this is the start of here coming to realise that life isn't all rosy in her BF... I hope she is able to make sense of it all without too much further pain.
Bo
|
|
redbush
New Member
Married Adopter
Posts: 37
|
Post by redbush on Jun 16, 2015 17:36:12 GMT
I know tokoloshe - time and time again I find I bow to their supposed greater knowledge and am disappointed! When will I learn that I usually have the best ideas for my own familiy!!
|
|
redbush
New Member
Married Adopter
Posts: 37
|
Post by redbush on Jul 29, 2015 14:50:46 GMT
Brief update - things have gone from bad to worse. DD is obsessed with her BM and spends all day either talking on the phone to her or wating for her to be in touch or with her in town. She seems to be totally rejecting her previous life with us, and has changed the way she talks, the way she dresses and has lost touch with the one or two freinds she had. She is rude and selfish - like most teens I know. She won't let me do anything for her or be with her - as BM is going to do that or buy her that. Now what's happened is that the other day she was being particulaurly obnoxious and refusing to return somethng of mine, and telling me to Piss off time and time again. In the end I snapped and shouted Just feck off!. This she had recorded on her phone and sent it to BM who then texted me to say how she didn't like the way I spoke to her daughter. Child protedtion social worker and police visited her today and I overheard her telling DD that she told them how I swore at her and that she wasn't happy etc. we are due on holiday in a couple of weeks and she doesn't want to come and frankly she will be a nightmare and spoil it for the rest of us. I was just wondering if we might all be happier if she went into some sort of temporary care for a couple of months. Anyone know if htis is possible if it's what she wants? thanks
|
|
|
Post by pluto on Jul 29, 2015 21:07:56 GMT
It is not so much what she wants, she needs someone to take controle over her life desperately. She gets mixed messages, she is totally confused and has all the controle at the moment. You need to decide what you want for your family, do you still feel you can take back controle, for example take her phone, forbid her to be in contact with birth mother unsupervised? And enforce those rules? If you do not feel this is the case you have two options, the first is a boarding school and the second is S20. You can decide you do not accept this situation and tell her what will happen, with that you take back full controle. S20 is volentary, sort of in theory you can take her back whenever you want. Or this is possible in practical terms is another story. Please do not have contact yourself with birth mother, if anything needs to be said go through social services. It is very likely that your daughter will make up false allegations ones she realises they take what comes out of her mouth very seriously,protect yourself! Where are social services? they caused the mess to start of with! Now the placement is at breaking point. A letter from a solicitor might wake them up.
Keep strong, you are in a very difficult situation, do not be afraid to make decisions to protect the rest of the family.
|
|
|
Post by aprilshowers on Jul 30, 2015 7:12:39 GMT
hi redbush, gentle hugs coming your way ((((()))))). Well what a right todo. Firstly the incident of your ad recording your response to what is clearly verbal abuse...that was planed by her to use against you with bm, and most likely will be used again by her whe she is in a corner...start protecting you and the rest of the family, you start recording everything, dont use your phone get a little dictaphone thing, we had one that was voice activated on a kitchen shelf and it would come on when voices were raised. I say this as a mother who endured ad hour and half interview under caution at a cold misreble police station after a false allegation...look after you. As for ad, well getting her some where to go for you to have hols or respite is not going to be easy, there are few FC out there that will have stroppy teenagers, what worries me is that she may well just take off to bm stating that you want her gone and soppy SS will find themselves agreeing as it will be cost effetive. Is there any chance of her staying with extended family or pgl or something like that, the ASF could be used to pay for that. take care.
|
|
redbush
New Member
Married Adopter
Posts: 37
|
Post by redbush on Jul 30, 2015 7:41:11 GMT
Thanks both of you. I agree she does need someone to be in control, but what can you do if she just blanks everything I say with "NO", and total defiance. I am still working on the general principle of "connect" as well as "control", and maintaining a relationship, as I know that is what she really needs. Being tough doesn't work, as, as you say aprilshowers, she uses this as an excuse to say we don't want her around etc. Although I am dreading the holiday - and there isn't anyone she can stay with and she would never go on a pgl or anything - maybe I jsut need to be more positive and see it as an opportunity to rebuild our family. Excellent idea re the voice activated recorder - def going to get one. Not only for protection against allegations, but also to demonstrate how impossible it is to reason with her, when SS tell me to just tell her she mustnt do x or y.
When can S20 come into the scenario? does it have to get worse before that could be considered? thank you
|
|
|
Post by bop on Jul 30, 2015 8:35:41 GMT
Sadly she sounds like DD1 at about the same age....she wanted to explore her BF and was highly abusive to us, including making allegations, which all got very messy as SW and police presume children tell the truth and adults lie....
In the end, she left us and went into foster care (SW decision based on her allegations) - which was better for the rest of us - and from there was in regular contact with her BF - initially they were fantastic but over the course of a few months she began to discover the realities of their family and the shine wore off. 18 months on she is still in foster care, has limited contact with BF and a mixed relationship with us....meanwhile the rest of us have rebuilt and the younger two are flourishing in many ways.
((hugs)) and hope you can find a good way forward for all of you...
Bop
|
|
|
Post by corkwing on Jul 30, 2015 14:05:31 GMT
Hi, Redbush -
Sounds horrendous! It's awful having to see your daughter's life trashed like this, and having to deal with the backlash of it. Of course social services aren't leaping in to help: they really don't understand what it's like for you.
Have you investigated what you can do legally? There are the harbouring/abduction notices which, I believe, could be used to prevent the BM having your daughter at her house. I don't know about injunctions to stop her from contacting your daughter: might be worth investigating. Ideally I would like the police or social services to do this so that she can't see you directly as the bad guys, but you might have to wait for some flying pigs.
Or there's the option of waiting it out. As others have said, they do often seem to fall out of love with the birth family after a while. If you go down the latter route, I'd recommend, as much as possible, doing the, "we're here for you" sort of messages.
Love,
Corkwing
|
|
redbush
New Member
Married Adopter
Posts: 37
|
Post by redbush on Jul 30, 2015 15:20:05 GMT
Thanks bop and corkwing - the 2 altentaives - one - it gets as bad as it can and she goes - which lets my son relax and develop in a better atmosphere or two - she gradually comes to terms with the situation and settles down because we've managed to maintain a realtionship.
Harbouring isn't an issue as BM doesn't have a home! she stays with various people, so they always meet out somewhere.
IF we can just get away on holiday without a fuss, then I will feel a lot better. These summer holidays are so Long!!
|
|
|
Post by bop on Jul 30, 2015 15:34:31 GMT
Its a tough one Redbush - I thought we could weather the storm but in the end we couldn't.....but that doesn't mean our relationship is over...we are rebuilding that now again.
Hope you can get away and enjoy your holiday.
Bop
|
|
redbush
New Member
Married Adopter
Posts: 37
|
Post by redbush on Aug 5, 2015 14:26:24 GMT
Child protection have just emailed me to say that as AD was a bit difficult etc before BM came on the scene they can't justify respite. What i really need to do is tough love. Ground her, forbid her etc - anyone with experience of these kids knows that doesn't work. I lock all the doors at night but she climbs through the window. I take her phone, she stays out all night with no way of me contacting her. I tell her not to do something, she does it anyway and lies about it - she is a BRILLIANT liar. So that I don't have to re iterate all this to the SW, does anyone have a link to something fairly succinct explaining why this apporach doesn'twork with teens with severe attachment disorder which I could send over? thank you
|
|
|
Post by bop on Aug 5, 2015 16:16:25 GMT
((Hugs))
It is so hard when the professionals don't get it.... sadly sounds very familiar....
As things broke down with our daughter we were told "no child could be that manipulative"....
|
|
redbush
New Member
Married Adopter
Posts: 37
|
Post by redbush on Aug 5, 2015 19:05:22 GMT
I have to live one day at a time, and each evening is dreaded - will she come home? Will the police bring her home for some reason? Will I get a phone call with dreadful news in the night? I know you all understand this.
|
|
|
Post by damson on Aug 5, 2015 19:33:17 GMT
((((Redbush)))) that is really hard to take. There are others much more experienced in dealing wih running. I just hope for some calm for you, DH and DS.
|
|