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Post by shadow on May 10, 2015 9:12:29 GMT
In case anyone is interested!
To cut a very long complicated story short involving lots of angst, upsets and me trying to just keep steady and driving many times several hundred miles between where I live and where my DD ended up with her online boyfriends family then in a shared house with other young people which quickly fell apart - my DD and boyfriend - actually fiancée now are now in a temporary flat close to me
They are somehow coping - there are concerns but they are managing to (so far) keep it cleaner than anyone thought possible and realising they need support of professionals at times and have actually managed to ask for it
I am concerned how isolated they are. spending their days in their bedroom watching DVDs - and having no contact with anyone except me at times - often not leaving the flat at all for days
It might not last long as my DD needs chaos and drama - so soon may go off seeking it again but our relationship seems amazingly strong despite all the other stuff - his mum being angry and blaming me, birth family contact online - now we have adult services the wonderful thing is I am not help responsible any more - and not forced to do things I have no chance of getting to work - she is seen as she is rather than the product of rubbish parenting by me which is such a relief
I know I have not been popular on AUK and some people were concerned about her welfare in my home - but at the moment things seems to have worked out somehow ok
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Post by serrakunda on May 10, 2015 9:28:19 GMT
Shadow, I saw her recent birthday post to you and it spoke volumes, I'm glad she's back closer to you, and if she is starting to recognise the need for help that's a good thing.
I do think many people at AUK were concerned for her, but not because of you. They, we, were all concerned for your welfare too because you were both in such an impossible place with no help, it was such a dark and difficult time for you both and was for a long time.
17 is still so young, she's bound to stumble, I'm sure there will be more drama to come, she may never have what others see as normality and stability but if she can find a way to muddle through life she will ok. And she still knows who the mum mum is
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update
May 10, 2015 10:16:20 GMT
Post by sooz on May 10, 2015 10:16:20 GMT
I'm always interested to know how things are with you shadow. Think I joined auk about 11 years ago now and have followed your 'story' (sorry, story doesn't sound right but you know what I mean).
I have always been in awe of you and what you coped with and achieved, you should be tremendously proud of yourself. You were never, and will never be, a rubbish parent!
I hope the dramas become less frequent, that shadette finds some peace and contentment and realises how well she was supported by you. Xxx
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Post by homebird on May 10, 2015 19:25:48 GMT
Yes, I remember how concerned we were for you as there didn't seem to be any help and no end in sight of your struggles. Its amazing to hear that your daughter is now living independently, something I never thought would happen.
We will always be interested to hear how you are getting on.
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update
May 10, 2015 19:40:31 GMT
Post by peartree on May 10, 2015 19:40:31 GMT
That is quite astonishing you know, living with her BF albeit in less than ideal circumtances and you my cyber friend are not stuck completely in the day to day horror of it all. Much love
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update
May 10, 2015 20:35:27 GMT
Post by lemonade on May 10, 2015 20:35:27 GMT
Good to hear from you Shadow and that the ship is still sailing in calmer waters. Love L x
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update
May 10, 2015 20:49:54 GMT
via mobile
Post by kstar on May 10, 2015 20:49:54 GMT
Utterly amazing that a relationship can stay so strong in the face of so much tragedy and confusion. Speaks volumes about you too - so many people would have given up on her by now.
Hope you are managing to find a little calmness in between all the drama xx
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Post by caledonia on May 11, 2015 10:49:44 GMT
I echo what others have said. Yes we all worried about you and Shadette but NOT because of your parenting but because of your situation and the lack of support that was being offered.
I think it is hugely telling that Shadette has chosen to come back to her home town and be close to her Mum Mum - where else could she get such unending love and support? Its fantastic that she and bf are asking for and getting support and that you are not responsible for it all. And, I cant express how delighted I am that people are finally seeing Shadette as she is and not blaming you for something that was never the case.
She may of course go out and look for chaos again, but you will be there for her as will adult services who are seeing your amazing young lady for who she is and will recognise her calls for help. Perhaps BF is actually part of what she needs - she may see something in him that reflects what she feels and thinks and this could give her comfort and security and keep her grounded. I pray this is the case for you all.
None of us know what will happen to our children as we trudge the adoption road together and sometimes apart, but if I have learnt anything, it is to enjoy the good times and bask in the knowledge that you did all you could with Shadette and she is doing okay and your mother-daughter bond is for keeps no matter what lies ahead. Oh yes and finally, accept the praise from the people on these boards - we know you and admire you and you deserve it all.
All my love and hugs
Cale x
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Post by shadow on May 11, 2015 16:33:41 GMT
Romeo has ASD and is also Borderline PD - so together they can do things - like go in a shop they cant dio separately although her anxiety is stopping her going outside again
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Post by Deleted on May 11, 2015 19:40:03 GMT
Agree with the others, no one ever doubted your parenting, we were all just concerned about you and how you were coping living under house arrest with no support. Of everyone I've read about on these and other boards, you were the one person that I was always in awe of about how you stuck it out for so long, how your love for Shadette always shone through no matter how much carp she threw at you. I thought and still think you are amazing and I am so pleased reading your update to see that Shadette has returned to be nearer to you.
It is great that her relationship is still going strong with her boyf and they obviously draw great strength from each other and fantastic that they are mature enough to ask for help when they need it. I just hope that you can maintain some distance and don't get sucked into doing too much for them. You have only just got your own life back on track, new job etc and you need to maintain that normality for yourself. God knows you deserve it, so be supportive by all means, but don't get too involved or take on too much or they both may become too dependant on you.
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Post by mayan on May 15, 2015 8:55:56 GMT
Glad to read you are still standing dear shadow and that wee scone is safe despite the complexities. Good to hear that you are at least able to now keep a watchful eye from a distance but hope that you are finding time for yourself to heal from all that has gone before as that is a task in itself.
Look after yourself - the road ahead will demand much of you yet.
Much love and strength always
Mxx
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