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Post by corkwing on Mar 11, 2015 14:09:36 GMT
Ten years ago, our son Mackerel moved in with us. He'd been permanently excluded from one reception class and had twice gone to school in the morning and been removed to another carer from school. School was not a good place for him!
We didn't send him to school until the following September, when we put him back a year so he did reception again. It was our church school and had small classes and incredibly committed teachers. They did everything that the Ed Psych asked of them – and everything that we asked of them. They paid to go on courses, etc., etc. To us, this was easily the best for him at the time.
He did, though, become increasingly difficult at school (he'd always been difficult at home) and eventually we took him out as it was clear that he wasn't coping. We home schooled him for 18 months which was incredibly hard work for my wife, particularly emotionally as he is very angry and controlling. But we did see his attachment increase dramatically and there were a number of really significant breakthroughs. Again, it looked like it had been the best option for him.
Meanwhile we applied for a statement for him and he went to a secondary school for children with behavioural, emotional and social difficulties (BESD). Things started to go wrong there, but he'd had to go into care as he couldn't cope at home either, and he switched to another BESD school. The new school was great and tried really hard for him, but for the last year we'd seen that it wasn't working. They had to increasingly do one to one with him, and the number of exclusions started to rise dramatically. Unfortunately he has a lovely quality about him, despite his difficulties, and the school tried everything they could, even though we did suggest that they were out of their depth and it wasn't working.
The upshot is that it's now broken down and he's been permanently excluded from there. He's in year 10. The local authority have proposed one school which may be good for some kids but doesn't seem right for Mackerel. We're fighting for another one that has therapeutic input as well, but it turns out it's twice the price.
To me, what seems to have happened is that the LA try the next level up. It's only when that fails that they then try the next level after that. They haven't (in our opinion) really investigated what his difficulties are and what he really needs. I do have some sympathy with them: he has had various reports, but they don't really get across the full picture of what he's like and it doesn't seem like anyone's prepared to put their neck on the line and say, “Hey, this is an INCREDIBLY damaged kid and he needs to go straight to level Z”.
The result is that it seems that he'll never get to level Z. And that's partly because we, by putting him in the best setting at the time for 6 years, didn't give him the chance to fail at levels A to Y.
So our experience was that doing the best for Mackerel at the time has actually resulted in him possibly not getting the placement that he needs. If only we'd been less caring, less committed parents... And that's pretty sad, really.
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Post by pingu on Mar 11, 2015 23:21:15 GMT
I honestly don't think ithat what schools he went to in the past would have made any difference to what school the LA decide he needs now. If you had not made the good choices you did, for the best at the time, he would have been worse than he is . Sure it might have meant he fitted the criteria for Z easier, but that would have been because he was more damaged. Just because he had the best choices made for him in the past, doesn't affect the possible bad choice being considered now. Please don't beat yourself up, this iis about budgets, not your care of Mackeral in the past. I can sympathise because the state primary my ds2 was at, really helped him settle and brought him on to the stage where he outgrew them., and he faced a huge secondary where we knew he would not cope. Now we are battling for funding to keep him at the small private school where he is able to feel safe, and thus continue to increase his poor self confidence and to make the academic progress he is doing.
Best Wishes
Pingu
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2015 10:20:00 GMT
The system stinks Corkwing as you well know and that'sthe problem.
The people who are supposed to be there to help us don't. They blame us for our childrens problems and we spend years trying their various suggestions even when we know they won't work, until finally years later they admit we were right in the first place.
Problem is as Pingu said, it is all about budgets and each department doesn't want to be the one who pays out which is why they all try and fob us off or pass us from one department to another (technically known as buck passing, or pass the parcel withour child being that parcel), until things get so bad that our child ends up back in care. Then we start all over again, trying to access proper help and support and schooling etc.
By the time they finally admit our child needs specialist help, the damage is done. Our relationship has been damaged, our child thinks we have given up on them and that no one wants/loves them and that's the problem, by the time the help comes it's too little , too late.
I truly believe all prospective adopters should take out an insurance plan long before adopting so that if and when they need it, they have access to money to pay for private help if their child should need it. The system in this country is appalling. Prospective adopters are hoodwinked into adopting thinking there will be on going help available if their child should need it, but it is not true. Adopters have to fight tooth and nail to get any help and when it comes it is often too late to undo the damage and trauma that has gone on in the meantime.
You have nothing to blame yourself for. You did your best for Mackerel at the time. You did everything you could with little or no help from those who should have been supporting you. This is why adoption has to change. Adopters are the ones picking up the pieces of a failing system and this is why I say as an adopter and adoptee, I can't in all honesty recommend adopting to anyone and that makes me really sad. It is a thankless task and I think I would think twice about adopting now, knowing what I now know if I had my time again. I don't mean in terms of the children as I love mine dearly and always will despite everything I am going through, but in terms of a failing system that does not help or care about the outcome for our children, that just wants to tick boxes of how many children have been adopted this year, but who can't be seen for dust once the AO has gone through and the honeymoon is over and our childrens issues come to the fore.
It is wrong and it has to change.
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Post by sooz on Mar 12, 2015 12:25:47 GMT
I think you could compare it to having a medical complaint.....bear with me.....
Say you go to the docs with a pain in your back...doc has a feel around, can't find any problems so you get sent off to the chemist for pain killers. Back still hurts after a few weeks so you go back to doc who asks a few more questions and gives you some exercises to do. No improvement so you think, I know I'll try a massage.....feels good, you think it's helped but soon the original pain is back and it's getting worse. You've already been to the docs twice and got nowhere, so you try a physiotherapist, who tells you that your spine needs realigning....physio hurts, but it must be doing you good right? After all you've now been told what the actual problem is. So after the pain of physio dies down and the original pain is still there you start to think what next? Acupuncture? Swimming? Cod liver oil tablets?.......you're getting to the point where you'll try anything to get some relief from the pain. You steel yourself for a trip back to the docs, you're going to list down all the things you tried and insist on being referred. Woo hoo, doc agrees, you wait 3 weeks to hear you have an appointment for a back specialist in 3 months time, ok....you'll wait....keep taking the painkillers. A week before your appointment you hear the specialist has left but not to worry your new appointment will be in 3 weeks time with a different doctor. You arrive at the clinic and are seen by the docs registrar instead.......................anyway, I could go on, but you get the picture..................fast forward 3 years where you've gone from pillar to post then find someone who is willing to give you a thorough examination, and discovers you had an accident as a child, broke your leg.....the leg didn't set properly, you can't believe it was never noticed, but all these years it's been not quite right and now it's given you back problems but not only that eventually you'll need a new hip...........you can't help but think if only the original doctor had picked up on something, or referred you to the right place...... Or maybe you should have pushed harder...
Thing is, most people who go to the docs with pain will not need to go back, some will get better with a massage, some with physio. A few, will end up needing lots of treatment.
I think the problem is, not many people and professionals believe there is something actually wrong with our kids, that the equivalent of a few painkillers will do the trick, or the equivalent of a nice relaxing massage......
I think the rule should be.....been in the care system? Then let's take every 'complaint' very seriously given the history and hopefully the problem won't be as bad as we fear.
It's the wrong way around.
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Post by milly on Mar 12, 2015 19:36:39 GMT
I don't read it the way others have. I would suggest that if mackerel hadn't had concerned committed parents, the most likely result would be he would have completely fallen foul of the system and not be in any kind of education or institution. Perhaps he would be languishing at home playing computer games all day within a dysfunctional family or roaming the streets getting into trouble. I am not convinced it's only adoptees who don't get what they need.
Yes it is very sad that he isn't getting the right support and therapy, but that isn't down to anything you have done. What you have done can only be beneficial even if those benefits are hard to see at the moment. He has had care and he has had education - without either he would have been a lot worse off imo.
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Post by milly on Mar 12, 2015 20:15:48 GMT
Oh and obviously I can't see him as being with you and you NOT doing all those things you did. So he would have had to live with another family not to have had that input.
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Post by kstar on Mar 13, 2015 22:57:57 GMT
Unfortunately in the current education system, as sad as it is, Every Child Doesn't Matter, whatever the agenda might say. It should be called Every Child Who Fits Into One Of Our Clearly Categorised Pigeonholes Matters Most Of The Time As Long As They Are On Track To Get Some GCSEs... But that would be a bit of a long title for a stupid agenda.
Anyone who doesn't fit, doesn't matter. They matter to us, the grassroots teachers, who can see the potential and the pain behind the bravado and the bad behaviour. Trust me, they really do matter to us - and most teachers are as frustrated as the parents when we can all see what the solution is and none will listen :-(
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Post by corkwing on Mar 14, 2015 11:13:51 GMT
Every Child Who Fits Into One Of Our Clearly Categorised Pigeonholes Matters Most Of The Time As Long As They Are On Track To Get Some GCSEs Love it! The teachers that we've dealt with have been great. As you say, its the system that's failing kids like Mackerel. |
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Post by milly on Mar 14, 2015 13:32:29 GMT
You're so right Kstar, that is the issue. My dd has fallen foul of that recently too we believe. Her needs are too great to bother with given that it's very borderline as to whether she will get the required results. Otherwise they are manageable. She will now have an assessment for an EHC plan but will that make the difference?
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Post by kstar on Mar 14, 2015 23:29:58 GMT
Being the cynic that I am, yes it will... Children with an EHC are important in the results tables and to Ofsted, so they will matter more. It's sad :-( and so not what I signed up for when I went into teaching.
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Post by damson on Mar 15, 2015 17:21:53 GMT
Yes Milly, as dd will then fit a clearly categorised pigeon hole  |
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Post by kstar on Mar 15, 2015 21:34:17 GMT
Tbf if your school is claiming PPG for your child, it's worth reminding them by slipping it into a conversation in a casual manner that Ofsted are more interested in PPG students than any others at the moment...
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