ruby7
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Post by ruby7 on Mar 10, 2015 18:33:03 GMT
Well folks tommorw is my last day at work, I have not been able to do everything but hey....my DH has a swollen cheek from tooth ache and is gutted he did not have that tooth removed 3 months ago as he looks like, well....very scary. Bought the car seats which are being fitted tommorw, school place confirmed ( just can't find a pre school place!) kiddoes have repsponded well to intros book and DVD. I can't say I'm in love yet like we were with the first two that fell through but we have not met them like we did with first two. Feeling a bit rubbish about that, but I'm certain when we meet it will be fine, everything we Are feeling they are feeling. My bro in law said 'hello mum' to me at weekend and I kind of cringed, is that bad? Guess just not used to it. Don't much like him anyway.....
so off to think about a practical captual wardrobe for all eventualities for intros...watch this space ....advice and guidance very welcomed. Thanks ...oh and intros lay list coming along, will post
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Post by giggles on Mar 10, 2015 19:12:45 GMT
Wonderful news, congratulations to you all.
Such exciting times.
My 'uniform' since becoming a mum has been jeans, jeans and more jeans!! Might I suggest a change of clothes for you to be left in the car during intros? Our LO blessed me with a full on projectile vomit at one point and I had to borrow some clothes from our lovely FC!!!
Very best of luck.
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ruby7
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Post by ruby7 on Mar 10, 2015 19:29:19 GMT
Very good advice giggles....yes looking forward to swapping a stiff suit for jeans and track suits....ahhhhhh!
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Post by kstar on Mar 10, 2015 21:31:23 GMT
I have said this before and I don't want to be negative but... My advice would be don't expect intros to necessarily be the magical experience some people hope for. I hated every minute of mine, not because of anything to do with my daughter but because the FCs made me feel very unwelcome and I was on edge the whole time. I found it all very stressful, especially as it was 12 days long, a week away from home on my own and then a huge amount of driving. It was a massive emotional crash for me because I was so, so excited in advance! I'm not trying to scare you - many people love intros, I just wish someone had warned me I might not, and that it means nothing in terms of how successful the placement will be.
My next tip would be to warn everyone you love that you won't necessarily feel like long phone calls and endless texting to keep everyone up to date. I agreed to send a "round robin" text every night to give the highlights of the day, and said I welcomed messages from everyone but wouldn't always be up to answering them.
Thirdly, be organised in advance! Let the freezer be your friend - spend those last precious days of freedom filling it with home cooked stuff that will zap in minutes. Intros are exhausting, as are the early days of placement - don't try to be super mum and do it all in those early days! I was so stressed to start with and had this image of us cooking together, but it was too demanding - once when I phoned my mum in tears she ordered me off to the supermarket for a week's worth of ready meals for us both, that neither of us would die as a result. Best advice ever. Stock up on random stuff like toilet roll, toiletries, cleaning stuff, wash powder and store cupboard food. Shopping won't be a priority!
Finally, I would say, try and find time to do a couple of grown up things you might not be able to do for months... Go to a grown up film. Date night. Meal in a fancy restaurant. Go swimming. Whatever floats your boat - I missed coffee with friends, girly days out shopping and the theatre in the first few months of placement.
Good luck!!!! xxx
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Post by knight on Mar 10, 2015 22:17:54 GMT
Hope they don't make you cry on your last day Ruby!! Hope all goes well, keep us posted x
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Post by leo on Mar 10, 2015 22:58:12 GMT
I wonder if your nerves/lack of excitement is your way of protecting yourself after the last very hurtful experience?
Heading towards intros I think I was scared witless. Panicking that I was taking on more than I could handle, worrying about the relationship with FC through intros (lots of tension for many different reasons) and sudden realisation that my quiet, simple life was over!
Good luck for your last day at work and I hope you get a few days rest before intros start.
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Post by moo on Mar 11, 2015 6:46:24 GMT
Good Luck Ruby xxxx
Exhausting & Emotional are the two E watchwords..... my top tip get yourself some echinacea.... our little ones are germ magnets & being exhausted quickly leads to getting run down with sniffles & sore throat.  You can get an infused tea or just straight pills ( holland & barrett).... I swear by it it really does work for me & wards off bugs.... ( dose up a week early )
Great post from kstar... sorry my intro memories are wonderful but not everyone is so lucky..... not everyone enjoys them or gets on with f/c ( I certainly didn't) or is lucky to fall in love with their l/o.... I do consider myself so very blessed coz I did fall in love fast with baa & skweek.... they were my sons with love at first sight... We never looked back.....
Deffo treat yourselves to nights out, romantic dinners for two or bonkers activities....rock climbing or go karting.... whatever floats your boat coz one thing is for sure life will never ever be the same as now..... it really does bear no resemblance post placement......I know many adopters really do lament their lost independence & freedom...... It can be full on exhaustion...
Freezer stocking is essential never underestimate the extreme exhaustion.... so sorry this is a positive supporting post ... honestly.... I for sure am secretly very envious..... I would step back to day one practical arrangements meeting followed by intros in a heartbeat    .....
Enjoy being pampered by your work colleagues... I hope your send off to motherhood is spectacular.?. ( mum was lost on me too until baa ran down the hall to greet me day 1 yelling mummeeee it is still mummeeee in this house anything else still just feels wrong :- or maybe that is just in my head  )
Many Hugs On Your New Journey xxxx
Xx moo xx
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Post by lolapola on Mar 11, 2015 19:44:41 GMT
Hi Ruby,
Congratulations! My tip would be, once you're feeding your LO's early on - don't panic if the meals are completely random. Serve them whatever they will eat (hopefully healthy-ish, but not the end of the world if it's not). One night during intros, my boys had rice and baked beans! ... but they went back to FC with full tummies and ready for bed. I very gradually introduced a more balanced and normal menu over the following weeks and months.
As for cooking during intros, as a singly I couldn't have imagined managing that, especially in a strange kitchen. The boys were so loud and demanding I went with whatever they wanted to do. I was only too grateful for the kind hospitality of the FC and her DH. If Zig loves cooking and it works, great but otherwise I would suggest offering expenses to the FC and a thank you card a few days after intros perhaps.
All the very best, let us all know how it goes!
Lolapola x
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ruby7
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Post by ruby7 on Mar 11, 2015 20:08:58 GMT
Thanks all, we won't be at our own home, they are putting us in a flat. I think 'I'll take some of that packet microwave rice for the times when we might not be eating at FC's Can just do it with stir fry veg, one pot stuff, any other ideas in case the diggs don't have a freezer- fish fingers and good sausages are always good.
Re freezer food at home for first two weeks, all I can think of is a load mince to have with spag. Pots, rice ....but I don't realy do batch cooking and freeze, what other ideas that are kid friendly?
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Post by nomoretears on Mar 11, 2015 20:46:36 GMT
I think the batch cooking is more for you isn't it? I'd just do a quick meal plan for kids meals as it's usually thinking what to feed that takes my time! Some quick meals that almost all my foster kids have enjoyed are: Fish fingers, omelette, beans on toast, pizza, tinned spaghetti shapes, boiled egg and soldiers, sausages, pasta. Okay, not the healthiest meals but it won't hurt for a week or two. Plus you'll get a much better idea of your children's favourites once intros begin.  |
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ruby7
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Post by ruby7 on Mar 12, 2015 6:30:35 GMT
Think I will do some mince sauce as mentioned and shape some burgers and meatballs, then I'll have the other suggestions, fish fingers etc. there is always pie!
Car in for service today.....
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2015 9:39:54 GMT
When kids are home, slow cookers are great.
You bung in the ingredients in the morning, set it on low, and then you can go out for the day or whatever and don't have to worry about dinner as it's cooked and ready to eat when you get back and they are very economical to run.
You could even take one with you to the flat for intro's if you wanted to so that you come back to a cooked meal when you are knackered and it's ready to eat straight away. You can always take a plug in timer plug as well if you don't want it to start cooking until 11am or whatever.
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ruby7
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Post by ruby7 on Mar 12, 2015 16:45:03 GMT
Yes I have a slow cooker in the basement ...time to dig it out....great idea!
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Post by chotimonkey on Mar 12, 2015 21:32:24 GMT
We were in a flat... Useful things were to source local supermarkets, petrol station, parks , low key kiddy stuff, pubs etc nearby On our first set of intros we went to the pub for a glass of wine and a meal and a debrief most nights, before flaking out back at the accommodation. Good box set/ netflix to chill out with, cosy pjs. Internet shop to arrive home shortly after we did Bag of little interesting ice breaker stuff, finger puppets, bubbles, stretchy men, fluffy pipe cleaners, mini cars, stickers, flick books, magnets, blurack, those pics yoh rub with a coin to reveal, yoyos etc. The sort of stuff you can get out and fiddle with till kiddies come over to investigate. Tbh you'll prob have them in your bag from now on anyway stash of emergency snacks for you and kiddies in bag. Presents and cards for foster family, sw etc Charged up camera Stash of favourite kiddy programmes / songs story cds on iPhone for emergencies... And for Car journey home if you are out of borough Variety of stuff for you... On our intros in late feb early march weather started off freezing and snowing and ended up in tshirts in a week! Lots of luck, I'm a bit a like moo... I loved our intros and was moonstruck from day one , but it's different for everyone, just let yours be what they are, without worrying about 'what they should be'' Lots of luck |
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ruby7
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Post by ruby7 on Mar 13, 2015 19:36:20 GMT
Well I have a freezer full of mince like its the end of the world, seasoned and shapped into balls, rissoles, burgers. I have Sausages, chiken thighs and tortolini . We have enough so I don't need a big shop for at least 10- 14 days. I have not actully cooked anything, I will make some tomato sauce so I can just talke out a sauce and a batch of balls and chuck them Together. Although I have to say I really can't see why I would not be able to just pop out and grab some mince chop an onion and pour in a tin of tomatoes. But I can hear all you experts laughing and saying ' just you wait!!' So I will provide a full report on if it was a waste of time or a godsend! Off to fit a stair gate one wonky stair case and figure out how the seat belt works on the car seat.....am shattered......good training for what the rest of my life will be Iike.....pizza and wine night.....  ? |
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Post by serrakunda on Mar 13, 2015 20:17:08 GMT
Well, The thing is next time you want to 'pop out' , you will first have to wrestle two kids into coats and shoes, prams, car seats, making sure you have nappies, wet wipes in your bag, bottles, drinks, find the right trolley, stop them grabbing at everything in the shop, accompanied by wails of I want a weeeeee or if your really lucky I want a poooo...... Going out with kids is a bit if a palaver, Your popping days are over my dear |
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ruby7
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Post by ruby7 on Mar 13, 2015 21:38:40 GMT
Or Mabye I leave them with him indoors for half an hour!
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Post by giggles on Mar 14, 2015 8:28:43 GMT
I was just saying to my Mum yesterday how long it takes (still!) to get out of the house with LO and how I can no longer just grab my keys, wallet and go. She reminded me of a Michael McIntyre piece on the very subject. youtu.be/uFQfylQ2Jgg |
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ruby7
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Post by ruby7 on Mar 14, 2015 19:31:30 GMT
Ah ....spent the day sorting out bits and bobs, new shower head, painting fire suround in zag's bedroom, sorting out my wardrobe....bought some blowy bubbles for first or second visit but they are carpola. It does make bubbles when I blow but very hit and miss, I put some more washing liquid, but no joy, guess I need to add some glycerin....any one know where to buy decent bubbles? Also, re the first meeting, it's about two hours. What do we say? ' we have been looking forward to meeting you' ? ' we have been waiting so long to meet you' ? Then what? I will of course ask at the planing meeting which is on the same day. I was thinking of asking FC if I could ask the kiddoes to show us around the house, and show us their toys, be complety lead by them ...any ideas folks, feel like I'm going on a blind date, except there is no emergency phone call that gets me out...EVER ? |
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Post by serrakunda on Mar 14, 2015 19:45:49 GMT
Hello, lovely to meet you at last ? I took a board game as a present and we played that, or maybe a jigsaw, gives you a definite activity, and a focus for chit chat. Two hours sounds a long time but will be over in a flash.
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Post by lolapola on Mar 14, 2015 20:53:06 GMT
Hi Ruby,
I know it's easy to say from this side of intros, but you can spend every minute from now until your first meeting planning and thinking what to do or say .. and it will most probably all go out the window the moment the door opens! I know your first words feel momentous to you, but the LOs won't remember them, or realise the significance of them. I would suggest focussing on what they say to you, so you can remind them in the years to come. GLF was straight in there with "Are you my new mummy?" so all I had to say was, "Yes!" - He then called me "My New Mummy" for most of intros ie "My new Mummy, look at this."
Serrakunda's idea of taking a game or activity is a great one, it will also reassure you that you have something to do with them, but they will more than likely lead the way! The FC will be very tuned-in to the LO's state of excitement/anxiety and particularly in the first few days will help guide the children and you to activities that will work well.
My boys were so excited/ overwhelmed that the volume of their voices was quite deafening, they wanted me to see and do everything, but their attention never lasted more than a few turns of snakes and ladders, or half a jigsaw! I had no option but going with the tidal wave!
Painting, and in particular hand-painting, went well, stories helped them to calm down, and singing songs together was a hit, particularly nursery rhymes. As a singly with two boys, the FC was great at spending 1;1 time with one of them, whilst I spent time with the other. The FC had prepared photo albums for the boys to take with them (they were with her for 3 years) and it was lovely to watch her settle down with the boys and talk through the photos with them - it helped the boys feel secure and calm, but also I learnt a lot of the 'do you remember when ...' stories from the albums and can now feed that detail to them when we look at the photos together. (ie Names of the other foster children they lived with / How GLF broke his arm / the day FC's DH took the boys to the barber and came back with skin heads!! etc).
I digress - but if it feels right, don't feel bad about working along side the FC in the early days to create a smooth transition - you don't have to be super mum or take the reins on day 1!
I know this feels like the end of a very long and frustrating journey, but you're about to get to your destination ready to unpack your bags at base camp, only to realise you're going straight up the mountain before sun-down!
Hope my ramblings help!
Lolapola xx
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ruby7
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Post by ruby7 on Mar 14, 2015 22:22:31 GMT
Oh loloapola, thanks for the idea of ensuring we tune into what they say, and memorise it for them for the future, loving your base camp and mountain trek analogy - so true, and all very helpful -
thank- you
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Post by mudlark on Mar 14, 2015 22:53:34 GMT
it sounds boring but take a jigsaw..age appropriate..it's a really good way of getting to know each other without all the intimidating eye contact... you are strangers to them...they will want to look at you without you looking back. we did lots of jigsaws.
18 months on I ask my two what they thought when they first met us... now they say...we didn't know who you were... you just came in and said you were our new mummy and daddy but you didn't even say your names..but we liked the jigsaw.
very good luck to you....
you may feel odd...because it is odd!
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Post by kstar on Mar 14, 2015 23:36:56 GMT
Board games worked for us, it was a shared experience which we still talk about today!
Starlet was 6 too for intros so I would say you may find you don't need to plan - Starlet had planned everything with her FC so all I had to do was follow instructions!
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Post by moo on Mar 15, 2015 10:17:53 GMT
My two are great eaters but at first it was a trial.... I lovingly cooked them a rice pudding f/c said they liked it ( turned out to be savers menu special tins not 'real'!!).... wouldn't touch it.... homemade burgers cottage pie etc same thing... they hated tomato based sauces & still do!!
Please keep your expectations low.... fish fingers & ( what i call junk food ) were familiar & reasurring for them for some long time.... managed to get healthy eating going with time & by a year in much fresh fruit & healthy meals became our norm..... They still have the junk easy stuff as a treat!! Spaghetti hoops b.beans with sausages etc..... Good Luck xxx
Freezer stash was more for me exhausted each eve at boys bedtime!! (Don't know how you wonders cope cooking meals for hungry husbands....)
I love an indian meal & used to get take aways regularly those are deffo a thing of the past..... I had a special visitor just before christmas & I think that was my first for years!!!! BUT.... I did very very sensibly buy quite a few just before intros began on my last time with a takeaway & froze them.... now they were amazing never has my fave curry tasted as good!!.....
Pound shop bubbles are great here!! Sitting on the floor a few feet apart with a small ball rolling to each other was fun here & brilliant for eye contact....
Small cars rolling across the kitchen table also brilliant & just the easiest for eye contact...
Keep practising wrapping up in a cocoon of warm fluffy towels at bathtime.... both mine loved that... same with fluffy fleece rugs for den building around the sofas.... soooo easy to wrap up boys " accidentially!!" easier to hug lots xxx
Ooohhh soo excited for youxxx
Hugs xxx
Xx moo xx
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Post by moo on Mar 15, 2015 11:37:51 GMT
Reminds me of a hilarious post from way back ( prolly peartree & if not she will remember by whom ) the gist of which was along the lines of likening going supermarket shopping with l/o to getting a live octopus into a string bag & a goat to travel in the back of a family car!!.... my sides ached I laughed & laughed.... so so true.... c'mon peartree et all I think we need to post it here again somewhere...... could do with the laugh all over again..... xx
XX moo xx
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ruby7
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Post by ruby7 on Mar 15, 2015 18:05:41 GMT
Well folks this is it...feeling really weird... This is our last Sunday as a couple alone, everything is packed ....we are doing what we always do, I've just finished cooking, Hubby is in the loft playing his music and messing about on the computer, I'm just about to have a shower and then we will eat...its a very very strange feeling like the end of the world, a real fear and nervous emotions...is it normal to feel ' what on earth are we doing?' Everybody tells me we will not be able to remember our lives before children. I know we will be fine...I just keep thinking if we are feeling like this how on earth are the children feeling? All words of wisdom welcome
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Post by serrakunda on Mar 15, 2015 19:05:17 GMT
I think people feel quite a range of things, so everything and anything is 'normal'
I think I was quite calm, or maybe I was just numb! I wasn't too worried about Simba, I was more concerned about FC who had been a little difficult in the premeetings
enjoy your last evening, life will never be the same again
lower expectations of yourself and the children, follow their lead, don't panic and remember to
BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!
have fun, enjoy, take lots of photos
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Post by kstar on Mar 15, 2015 21:41:40 GMT
I remember the best piece of advice my social worker gave me... Concentrate on your health and wellbeing and your child's. If the washing builds up, as long as you all have clean underwear who cares. If the house is a mess, clean the toilet and the kitchen worktops so no one starts vomiting... The rest, so what. If you can't manage to get out to shop and are living on tinned soup and fish fingers for a while... So what. I think you quickly realise that it's impossible to maintain everything you are used to, but its a big adjustment to accept things won't be perfect. Be kind to yourself - it's all good.
As Serrakunda said, there's no such thing as normal. Some people love every minute of intros, others hate them. Some feel an instant connection with their child, others take weeks and have to fake it til they make it. Some find it comes naturally to them how to play with, speak to and interact with their child, others struggle. By turns it can exhausting, exhilarating, emotional, nerve wracking, exciting, sad... Literally almost all of the emotions available to us. While we are going through all of that, so is the child and so are the foster carers, and everyone feeds off each other.
It's surreal. It's weird. It's like nothing else anyone can understand. Just go with the flow and be prepared for anything :-)
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Post by chotimonkey on Mar 15, 2015 21:57:23 GMT
Lots of love and luck for Tomo!
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You can get an infused tea or just straight pills ( holland & barrett).... I swear by it it really does work for me & wards off bugs.... ( dose up a week early )
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