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Post by janpan on Mar 7, 2015 10:23:39 GMT
I've been off work for three days with a chest infection so not in brilliant shape. Bee started out being all super helpful, the perfect child, competitively (with her brother) acting loving and all that. Of course it all broke down and has now moved back into normality and excellent lying skills. She herself, as usual, is mortally ill. She is always needing the attention of being ill so this is her top opportunity and she can copy me. Except of course she WILL NOT go to bed to rest nor will she go to the doctor. Mostly because there is nothing wrong with her.
Anyway, turns out yesterday at school there was the usual amounts of lying and stealing going on. She is totally unable to cope socially there and sees everyone as being horrible to her. They are horrible to her, but quite frankly, no wonder, she is truly foul. I'm using those terms harshly because I'm cross and actually that's what we live with every day and normally (well sometimes) I cope. But today I have had absolutely enough. I don't feel like therapeutic parenting. I've already fallen out with DH because he is doing the right things and I'm in give 'em sanctions mode. Really what I want is for them to all just go away and leave me alone. It was so nice being off work ill and having some peace. She is bullying me, shouting at me, nagging me and so far I have not (yet) lost my temper but I've said some pretty unpleasant things
The thing about therapeutic parenting is it assumes that you want it to work. Sometimes I don't want it to work. Sometimes I wish our family would break down because I'm so done in with it all. Sometimes I just wish somebody would wind the clock back 10 years and I'd make a different decision. This is one of those days.
For the record, I don't always feel like this.
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Post by mooster on Mar 7, 2015 11:20:19 GMT
Well, you sound like am absolutely normal person to me! You are under the weather so of course you want it all to go away, try not to beat yourself up if you are having one of those days when you want to run away - it will be a rare person on these boards who hasn't felt like that at some point and for some of us it has probably been quite often and not when we are ill on top!!
You are doing a great job with very difficult children and look, you are still hanging in there! It is great you can recognise times when you don't feel like this.
Concentrate on getting yourself better. If you can, hand over reins to DH while you recover. Can you be all Victorian/Edwardian(?), have the vapours and go back to bed?
Sending hugs.
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stardog
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Post by stardog on Mar 7, 2015 11:36:00 GMT
Totally get you.
You are in that place at the moment we don't like and feel we have been driven too.
You will have better days.
((20 second hugs coming your way.))
Hope you feel better soon.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2015 11:46:06 GMT
((((((((((((Janpan))))))))))))))
Sounds like you need some TLC and you have come to the right place because we have all been there.
You are feeling ill and you would like some sympathy and someone to look after you for a change and that's hard.
I get that your DD is probably a bit scared because mum is ill and it is unsettling/worrying as she is probably used to you being strong and in control, but at 14, she should realise that even mum's need some looking after too.
Have you thought about going on strike? ie, making sure there are lots of microwaveable meals in the freezer/fridge and then taking yourself off to bed to leave them to cater for themselves. Sometimes teenage kids need a sharp reminder that mum is not a slave, but a human being who is not feeling very well and needs some time off to recover. Maybe it might work, maybe it won't, but at least it will let them see that you too are human and you too need looking after sometimes and who knows, DD might even bring you a cup of tea in bed if you are lucky.
Hope you are on the mend and soon. Look after yourself because sometimes that is exactly what you need to do. Let DH do the rest.
Hugs to you xx
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Post by ham on Mar 7, 2015 16:50:46 GMT
Therapeutic parenting can suck sometimes and while just sometimes our kids can do the right thing when we are ill jus as soon as we show a little bit of recovery wham we get hit with payback.
Don't beat yourself up.look after yourself and hope you are feeling better soon
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Post by corkwing on Mar 7, 2015 17:05:16 GMT
Thing is with therapeutic parenting, you don't get any chance to recharge and probably little chance to offload. You have to absorb all of the toxic stuff that leaks out of our kids and have to do that every single day. Unlike a normal therapist, you don't get days off, breaks, supervision, chances to offload...
And no one should have to deny their own needs to the extent that you do. It's not healthy. And today your needs are greater than your kids so they have to stuff it for a change.
To me, therapeutic parenting is an impossible job: but you're doing it really well!
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Post by pluto on Mar 7, 2015 17:07:01 GMT
So and you're not being therapeutic for a few days, do you really think that is going to make a huge difference in the bigger picture? I don't!
Don't feel guilty, just close the door and demand your own space.
You're on the last stretch, a few more years and you're done.
Time flies.
And in 2 days time it will all feel different again. I hope you feel better soon!
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Post by milly on Mar 7, 2015 17:42:51 GMT
Look after yourself. I haven't been therapeutic at all this afternoon and I HAVE lost my temper! World War 3 started because I asked dd2 to tidy her bedroom and learn her spellings before tea. Her verbal abuse was unbelievable and unrepeatable, along with her chants of 'I will win'. Dread to think where she'll be by 14. (Luckily my actual 14 year old knows where to stop when mum has lost it!) I don't have your excuse of feeling unwell either. I'd retire to bed with a good book, the radio and a laptop, demand tea and food at intervals and repel all boarders.  |
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Post by janpan on Mar 7, 2015 22:35:30 GMT
 You've all made me feel so much better earlier and again now, reading your responses. As the day went on it got a bit better. In fairness it was not at all my doing but I was finally able to respond positively when Bee needed me too (plus she went out on her bike suddenly which gave me a well needed break at the same time as making me worried, so I remembered that I did care). Thank you all. And big hugs back. |
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Post by peartree on Mar 8, 2015 11:29:39 GMT
Janpan please look after your needs.
Those wind up things in dd - she's bring a pain and right now you're no1 so she's got to wait. I don't think that's a bad lesson even if right now she's refusing to learn it
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redbush
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Post by redbush on Mar 10, 2015 16:14:44 GMT
Yes I can so relate to this too. Been ill in bed, dd refusing school so taking opportunity to lie in till lunchtime then go out. Felt just couldn't cope with getting up to find out where she was etc etc. Wondering what life would have been like without her - imagining having more money, more freedom, more friends, still having a career! Generally feeling very sorry for myself. But we do get back up and we do care, it's just bl**dy exhausting.
Love and hugs to everyone and thanks for all the wise words from you "old hands"! xx
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Post by kizim on Mar 11, 2015 7:00:41 GMT
Hope you are feeling better today redbush (love that tea btw) ...and that AD will have to face the conseuences at school. Maybe you can make some of those dreams come true in your present life? My AD is now 18 and gone from our life - for now....İ look back and see how much time İ wasted trying to fix her... lost myself in the process..and did not seem to have much impact on AD anyway  Take Care x |
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Post by runmum on Mar 11, 2015 11:13:34 GMT
Janpan you are amazing. If you are ill then you are ill and like everyone else in the world you need to rest and recover. However I dread being ill as I know I need to work hard first to get extra support in from somewhere to support DH or I will be lying upstairs listening to world war 3 feeling about as relaxed as our political party leaders before a TV head to head! We must all build up our support networks (I know that's hard as people drift away unable to cope with the hell of our lives) but we must do all we can to make our networks as strong as possible because we will need them just so that we can be ill and get better from something as simple as a bout of food poisoning or a cold. Survive this one then reflect on who you can call on going forward and if the answer is no one then it's time to do something about that even if you only end up with a list of 2 it's a start. DH and I have just done it - we have been tough with people and said we need you, sure we feel bad that you have lives and hobbies and stuff to do but we are going to ask you anyway because there is no other way. Yes some people run for the hills but we have found a couple stay and come to understand a bit more about planet adoption.
Hugs to you for a quick recovery!
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Post by janpan on Mar 11, 2015 22:46:11 GMT
We do have support from my in-laws who, on the whole, are amazing. Though any other help, support, friendships etc have depleted fast as my two moved into their teens. They are less forgivable as they are more socially outcast, further behind, bigger, spottier, more full of attitude, inappropriate decision making, clothes ........ I could go on. Our two have no friends either and to compound things we live very remotely, with a rubbish bus service to town. This has many, many benefits - and will continue to have as they grow older, but not when you just want them to go out shopping or with their mates for an hour or so.
Much better now and managing better too - thank you all. Being back to routine helps Bee too. You are such a support.
xx
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redbush
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Post by redbush on Mar 22, 2015 9:53:36 GMT
Thanks kizim, just saw your post. yes i must try to have something for myself in my life but the worry is so all consuming at times. i just feel like sleeping when not "coping"! but thanks !
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Post by greyspeckledhen on Mar 28, 2015 20:34:50 GMT
I missed this when you posted so hope you are feeling better by now. I totally get the bit about not always wanting it to work. Often I know the therapeutic response and I just feel to angry, or tired or broken to give it. It's a 'being human' thing . Sending lots of love for the days like these and hoping you can have a restful-ish Easter. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 13, 2015 21:58:41 GMT
It is the real world that they will increasingly spend their time in so we explain that other people have feelings and needs too and sometimes these come before theirs.
we are not perfect so get used to it. Most the time we are therapeutic and love them unconditionally but we get tired and and have a life beyond them.
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You've all made me feel so much better earlier and again now, reading your responses. 
