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Post by Deleted on Sept 29, 2013 9:50:23 GMT
Starting another discussion to help prospective adopters when deciding what age range to consider.
Would love to hear people's views and thoughts. What worked for you? Why did you chose an older child?
What are the benefits of chosing an older child? etc etc .......
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Post by serrakunda on Sept 29, 2013 21:34:01 GMT
Simba was nearly 8 when he came home. I always intended to look for an older child Lots of reasons - as a singly I knew I would have to go back to work at least part time and I didnt want a younger child that I would have to put into childcare. Cost of childcare also an issue. School is cheaper ! Also as a singly its much easier to get out and about with an older child. I didnt want to be stuck at home with a baby, with Simba I've been able to go the the theatre, cinema, concernts, out for dinner - its very nice to be escorted by a handsome young man  I think I would have felt much more isolated with a younger child My age - I started the process at 42, I just couldnt see myself with a baby. To be honest, babies are OK but I was quite happy to by pass the the nappy and teething stage. Personally for me adoption was about being a mum, not having a baby. Some people want the baby experience but it wasnt that important to me. There are still lots of 'firsts' to be experienced with an older child. And yes, he had already had his first day at school but his first day at his new school was just as emotional for me. finally with an older child you have more of an idea of the issues. Although Simba has learning difficulties and autism, his time in FC showed he had great potential to progress and he has continued to do so. I took him on, knowing he had certain issues and could prepare for that, including having reasonable expectations of what life might be like and what the future might hold I don't feel like I've missed out on anything and am happy I made the right decision |
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Post by kstar on Sept 29, 2013 21:42:07 GMT
I am also happy with the decision I made. Initially , my SW tried to push me to consider younger children instead but I was always reasonably confident school age would suit me better.
To be brutally honest, I have never really been a baby lover, I find them rather dull lol. For me, children start to become so much more interesting from around 3, as their little personalities develop. I also knew how much more difficult it is for older children to find a permanent home, so I figured I could leave the babies for those adopters who crave the opportunity to bring a child up almost from scratch.
Like Serrakunda, child care was also a consideration, as school means I can work full time (as a teacher, our holidays will also always be the same). And I liked the idea that I knew all sorts about Starlet's past and her issues, her personality and what she needed from me in terms of parenting.
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Post by shadow on Sept 30, 2013 7:39:30 GMT
shadette was 6 1/2 - but a totally different child than described had a lot of history (first 3 1/2 years unknown)and very attached to her home area and culture.
Very set in her ways.
And of course she had been through a lot as all our kids have, remembers some very disturbing events, and lived in at least 18 different houses
Often I don't feel like a mum as she has kept her own identity and values - but certainly a mum but just in a different sense - I think for her the being part of a family (my expectations) were maybe too much - and now at 16 with contact with her birth family its a real struggle for her loyalty to both them and myself.
Of course a lot of this is probably her attachment issues as well.
I don't know how much her age at adoption has caused these difficulties and how much her history and its effects
But then there are people who adopted their children at a much younger age whose have far more difficulties than shadette
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Post by nancydanfan on Sept 30, 2013 10:29:19 GMT
I seriously question now whether adoption should be the plan for older children. I never ever thought I would hear myself say that.
Adopting an older child for us was an advantage. After the bkids I didn't feel a need to nuture a baby. Howver, if dd had come to us at a much younger age where I would have had to change her nappy, feed her, where she had been much more physically vulnerable, would she have had the chance to form a better attachment?
Certainly adoption as it is at the moment is an inefficient failing system. These children need very specialised help and therapy and the resources are not put in to that.
When the professionals see one child and what you see as a parent living with that child is very different, where do you go from there? The system knows exactly where to go. It blames us. As adoptive parents we feel isolated, misunderstood, judged, lacking in confidence,often deeply in love with our children, but so so worried if we make a mistake an already damaged child will be further damaged.
shadow-I know you are suffering greatly with all you are going through. Our whole family is still suffering even after dd has gone back into care.It was only when she went back into care that I really realised the emotional toll her living with us has caused.I still love her, hope I always will, but a mother daughter relationship? Its not possible-not from her side anyway. . .
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Post by pluto on Sept 30, 2013 21:32:39 GMT
Adopting older children is about commitment in the first place, and acceptance in the second.
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Post by janpan on Sept 30, 2013 22:04:38 GMT
I'm sure there are pros and cons to both. Until very recently I would have said that my AD (nearly 5 at placement) had fewer issues than her older brother (6 at that time) but recently I realise that is not really the case, she is an expert at hiding who she is and what might be wrong. So I agree that difficulties can be equal regardless of the age.
I do, however, agree with the common thought that the longer they are in the birth family, the longer they might be being damaged. But I also recognise that some strange level of attachment can be formed there if they stay for a longer time and that, for us, is perhaps a good thing, enabling future relationships to be not quite as impossible as they might have been. However, mine missed so much early stuff - not only from an attachment point of view - but academic too, that means that they will never be able to learn in the same way as other kids and will never 'make the grade', pass exams, be able to add up, read fluently etc etc. And that would not have happened so badly if they had been with us when they were younger. It's utterly soul destroying.
Having said that, I would not have coped at all if they had been with me full time when they were first placed. They started school after a week with us and although in many ways it was the wrong thing to do, it meant that some of my sanity was preserved for a little longer and we managed to make it through those strange and slightly terrible first few weeks as a sudden family of four.
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Post by annie70 on Oct 1, 2013 14:16:41 GMT
I don't have any direct experience yet but we chose an older child for many of the same reasons as others... We came to adoption as a first choice - something we discussed over 10 years ago and were happy to wait until the time was right for us to have a family... DH initially wanted a baby (I was always set on 3+) but the more we learnt about the process and the issues and ourselves, the more we felt we have a lot to give an older child... Plus, I have never been a baby person and also find them a bit dull! And some people really want a baby so we felt we would leave the babies for those people who really wanted to do the nappies and teething stages... We also wanted a bit more certainty around avoiding various conditions which it is harder to tell at a younger age so felt that aged 3 and up was best for us... Being sociable is something we didn't realise was so important to us until we realised that with an older child - this particular one anyway - we would be able to go out for meals, see friends and family and have new experiences together... plus I will get some time to work during the day while he is at school which will be nice! We go to panel in November and we are so looking forward to welcoming a LO who has opinions and preferences and asks loads of questions - it will be a shock to become instant parents to a 6 year old but we really feel it is right for all of us and don't for one minute regret missing out on younger years (other than preventing the trauma that he has suffered)... there will still be plenty of firsts and we look forward to learning how to be a family together |
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I think I would have felt much more isolated with a younger child
