Adopting Siblings Groups - The Pro's & Con's

We have a sibling group of 2.

I think, from our experience, they pro's out weigh the cons. But, we are fortunate that our two have a very close bond and an excellent relationship.

Ok, they can still be mean and nasty to each other, just like any sibling, but on the whole, they are wonderful together.

Biggest pro I can think of is that they can and do entertain each other at times. They play together so well, you can escape for a moment without having clinging child to you!!! Ok, doesn't always work but you know what I mean!

We adopted a sibling group of 3, two of whom were twins. They would not even have considered splitting the twins. At the time of placing them for adoption, there was not any reason why they would not place them together - other than not being able to find someone to take on 3 under the age of 4! However, their older sibling (11 at the time) was not placed with them. We were told she chose to stay with the foster carers but she has since said that the SW told her it would be difficult to find someone to take an 11 year old. Not sure we would have considered an 11 year at the time - we were only approved for under 8s. I think it was the right thing to do for the older child because she had parented the younger ones and this separation broke that cycle.

We did not have any problems, although I would agree with Boo about the practicalities of having three children - cars/holidays etc. Also. giving individual attention is difficult - more so in our case because the twins are very similar in their likes, etc. so it was hard to find something to do with one of them that didn't feel like penalising the other.

I haven't hear of the concept of trauma bonds - off to do some research on this.

For those of you who do not know me from the old boards, hubby and I adopted a sibling group of three, age at placement was 8, 6 and 5.

They are now 18, 16 and 15. things were never easy, firstly there were three of them and one of me, hubby works full time and I stayed home, initially it was their jealousy, and everyone said "oh all siblings are like that" but the difference was their jealousy was a survival instinct, we found very early on that we could not do spontaneous, we could not ruffle ones hair without there being a queue, or pay a compliment without a huge fight and they would literally attack each other or gang up on the one that got the praise. so we altered our parenting, kept things simple and basically boring, no surprise treats, if there was an event for one kept it low key etc. Roll o to the 12/13 mark and then it all goes wrong, their need for more control over their lives, the sibling trauma bond has caused us so much worry and stress it is unbelievable. We have had, CP, police, A&E, school refusals for months on end, violence to us and each other, theft from us and outside, drugs, alcohol and teenage pregnancies, regular absconding and complete disregard for any rules. after a lengthy assessment it is written that they have a serious sibling trauma bond, it is un-healthy, it clouds their relationships with others and each other, they should never have been placed together and most of the time it is impossible for them to live together, which is why there is a lot of disappearing and shutting off from us as parents and extended family, it literally takes one comment from one of the siblings and they do something daft.

The thing is at their ages, they had spent time together, a lot of it completely unsupervised, they were exposed to alcohol and drugs in utero, then lived a chaotic life in birth family, moves in FC etc, everything that should not have happened to them did, and unfortunately we were left with very little support to raise them. Getting anyone to look after all three was near on impossible, as people really could not cope. So where are we now, well we are still a family, but it is not anything like I expected, education was always a toughie, but surprisingly enough it was education that always supported us and the children, SW came and went, in one year we had 8....yes 8, PAS were out of their depth and where we live now there is no PAS provision, we have had adolescent teams, but now the children wont engage with anyone. Mine have made it through (well nearly) mainstream school, but by the skin of their teeth, we never managed to get statements, and the therepy that might have helped a few years ago was refused funding by two different LA's, so the end of the month I go to court for the first time, no doubt it wont be the last. We are not allowed to see our grandson as DS has upset his ex so much, and we just lurch from one crisis to another. For my children they really should have been separated, at least then one of them might have had a more positive experience.

We're linked to half brother & sister 16m & 2.5yrs. I loved this thread on old boards and learnt a lot.....so my view is from very early on and I'm sure I'll have different view in few months/years... !

We really struggled with whether to adopt a sibling group; initially, it was purely an 'instinct'  it was what we wanted to do - in for a penny, in for a pound kind of naievity; there were also altruistic reasons (they're harder to place and deserved a chance surely??)....but with all the experiences I'd read about, I'd say it has been the hardest part of the pre-placement process for us - getting our heads around so many more unknowns and how potentially it could make more lives worse in the long run......and educating those around us !

We took on board what we heard as mainly 'cons' and problems - they were the experiences we heard about - and it was the long term impacts we were most interested in - suppose like trying to tell the future through others experiences. Us trying to be realistic about the difficulties, our need to demand sibling assessments, question whether it was right for them to be placed together; we knew we needed information but really hard to know what questions to ask - must say the old boards and the wealth of experience was invaluable for us.

But adoption for us, means giving a family to the children....taking them out of care...giving them a chance - however hard it is, that is our aim; if we have a happy, settled family life - that will be just great! But if I can look back in 20 years and feel I have made a difference - even if that just means giving them a chance and an experience of family life they wouldnt otherwise have had...I'll be happy with that. Its the trauma bonds and whether they should be together in the first place, professionals painting half a picture just so the LOs will get placements, that I worry so much about....

We're fairly sure of our limits so havent taken on LO's with 'significant' difficultes.....but also know our strengths and if significant issues develop, or it transpires they shouldnt stay together, then thats a battle we know theres a chance we'll be faced with, will need to deal with and fight our childrens corner.

At the end of the day though - we made as educated a decision as we could make with so little information! I am under no illusions it will be hard, there may be times we regret it....I'm quite frankly carpping myself at the thought of 2 toddlers under 3 placed during the winter with little practical help!

But for us, all the circumstances of the 2 we were linked with, have led us to think yes, its a risk, but on balance and the information we DO have, its a risk we think is worth taking.

I will read this post again in a few months and in a few years and probably come to the conclusion that this was that defining moment when I should have taken another path at the cross-roads !!!!

Its scary and I live on 'hope' at the moment!

www.attachment.org/the-potential-downside-of-adopting-siblings/

Interesting article.

a few really horrendous accounts of disruptions involving siblings currently on AUK boards. Some quite shocking behaviour from SWs

Two years on and some difficult times, I'd probably no longer recommend taking larger sibling groups - especially one that includes an older child who was a parent to the younger siblings....the trauma bonds and dysfunctional attachment were far more complex than we thought and sadly for us it went very badly wrong.  The other two are now doing far better without their older sister living with them. 

Bop

..pressed to quickly.....

anyway...I feel that we have yet to see the full extent of how their relationship will be..
I know they love each other, and can play together, however the shared trauma is deep seated and sometimes overrides everything else including their relationship with us. When that happens they feel like a distant planet...it takes time to bring them back into our orbit.

But I personally love having two, I love hearing them laugh and play, I like holding two little hands when we go out, I like their different personalities and the fact they do love each other is very touching to see.

My gut feeling is things will always be 'complex' between them, and we will need to be very empathetic to how we can help them understand each other when things are difficult.

Well, I think that in over four years there's not been a single day when I haven't sacrificed one child's needs for the sake of the other child's needs.

I only found out after placement that there were several recommendations to separate my two - despite the official clinical psychology report stating they should stay together (but that was nearly two years old when I read it). If they had been separated when they went into care for the final time then it could possibly have worked for them; by the time of placement I think it would have been something they wouldn't have recovered from - so despite their trauma bond and all the other difficulties, the right thing now is for them to stay together (but with a lot of separation!)