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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2015 9:32:59 GMT
Having read a lot of threads on here over the past few weeks and peoples experience of surviving the holidays etc, I was wondering what you all thought of respite for adoptive parents?
I asked for some recently, as I and the professionals were all struggling with YDD's behavoiurs. It wasn't just me who was struggling with her need to control not only me, but every adult involved in her life. All I had asked for was one weekend off a month as her father can't/won't help out at all, but I was told "no we don't do respite, if you are not coping we will take her into care", so after 6 months of daily abuse, 5 months of pointless harmful MST therapy, 5 months of her refusing to go to school, I had to admit defeat through exhaustion and agree to her becoming accomodated as a section 20 placement, and all because I needed a bit of respite in order to carry on.
I wondered what you thought about respite? Would it help? Would it mean that you could have continued to keep your child at home?
Foster carers can ask for it if they are struggling with a difficult child and need a break or when they go on holiday their foster children go into respite care so that the foster carer can have a well deserved break, but it seems that adopters are not given this option.
Why? Do you think this is fair? Do you think the authorities expect too much of us adopters? Do you think you could cope better with an occasional break?
I am interested to hear other members views.
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Post by aprilshowers on Jan 2, 2015 11:00:22 GMT
You are right...there is no real respite, even respite for a non adopted disabled child is classed as s20 (I think this is still the case) so the child can go somewhere that is regularly checked and is deemed to be in their best interest and suit their needs.
So should adopters get the same as FC...in my opinion yes, we are more permanent carers trying to be parents...sadly a lot of our children have such deep rooted issues we can only do our best and rely on a broken system to support us....where a lot of us find our major difficulties.
Would respite have enabled us to carry on parenting our children at home....well in our situation no...the only thing that might have worked was full time boarding with weekends and hols home, different times home for each child not all together, that really would not have been family more like visiting a aunt or other relative. So the question of respite helping would have to be on a individual case basis, if for example jmk if you got one weekend a month off from ydd how long could you have gone on with daily physical and verbal abuse non school attendance...yes you would have had a small amount of time to re-charge your batteries but the respite would not have changed anything going on at home.
Without the right input I don't think respite will work for a lot of people, it is another one of those things that alone could do more harm than good, a whole wrap around set of support and therapy is what is needed.
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Post by loadsofbubs on Jan 2, 2015 13:49:25 GMT
actually its not that easy to get respite as a foster carer. many LA's now will avoid providing respite if they can. my AS got respite when he was 8 til he was 14, once a month more or less, with the same family the whole time, through barnados becoz of his learning disability (was a section 20 placement as is all overnight type respite). but the funding for this stopped some years back and they no longer offer respite in this area. a couple of the special schools do but your child has to attend. for me the respite was a life saver. don't think I would have disrupted with him without the respite but I was certainly running myself into the ground trying to deal with his behaviour and his medical problems along with being newly single, I was heading for a stress induced mental health crisis, the respite gave me that light at the end of the tunnel, the security of knowing I would sleep at least 2 nights in the month.
as a fc I have used LA provided respite twice for one offs for trips I couldn't take with the child at the time. hated it both times becoz the fc's were strangers to the children and it backfired in terms of their behaviour when they returned. these days I use a family friend if I need a break, works much better for everyone, including the LA becoz they don't loss out financially!
I did get regular monthly respite for the bbs becoz of her very poor sleeping habits which left me so exhausted I found it hard to manage her behaviour when it was at her most hyperactive (around 2 years old). but then, when the LA disrupted the placement after her adoption disruption one of the reasons cited, along with all the false allegations, was that I couldn't manage her behaviour, which was not true, I managed it becoz she had a weekend a month with this carer, same one each month, and like with my son it allowed me two nights a month when I could get a full nights sleep. but they used it as ammunition against me in the end.
I really hate this fiction that respite means you are failing, and in many LA's that is the underlying message given to carers who request respite. that we are somehow failing. other 'better' carers can be held up as having never used respite, well bully for them, they may have large families that can step in, they may be couples who can juggle the caring between them, they may have easier to manage children, they may simply not like to use it. but for many fc's respite is a life line, but one that sadly is thrown out often only when the fc is literally drowning. don't think my LA ever offer it, only provide it when it is the last resort and begged for by the fc.
don't think its offered to adopters though I was once asked to take a boy for long term regular respite who lived with a family member under an SGO. its probably hard to get as well becoz often the people who need the respite (if its a regular thing) need it becoz the child's behaviour is difficult in one way or another and then you have the problem of getting a fc to willingly take the child on. we have very few people who only do respite so now most referrals go to mainstream carers and we often have other children in placement so its not always appropriate to bring in a child with difficult behaviour into that situation.
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Post by corkwing on Jan 2, 2015 14:16:27 GMT
We had some respite. An afternoon per week; a day a week in school holidays; 6 overnights per year. None of it was under S20, but was with a community childminder paid for by Social Services. We also voluntarily paid the childminder to have Mackerel for a week while Kermit and I had a holiday alone.
I think that it helped to keep the placement together for a bit longer, but it still fell apart in the end.
I think that it needs to be on an individual basis - I guess that's what an assessment of needs should pick up - but do agree that it seems that it should be one of the options that is looked at.
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Post by serrakunda on Jan 2, 2015 15:22:49 GMT
I get 'respite' every week, in that the adoption allowance I receive means that I don't have to work full time. So I have a whole day off a week, where I can do what I want. Sometimes I do go back to bed to catch up on sleep. There is usually some housework or shopping done but for the most part I have a day to please myself what I do. I do think I would sink without it, it gives me head space, time, opportunity to catch up with friends.
It does keep me going. But I am not in crisis.
Simba is not generally aggressive. He loves school, yes he is demanding and had his interesting quirks. But let's face it, me being driven bananas by the Pig who shall be nameless, is nothing like the situation you, and many others, have been in JMK. I think respite was a small part of what you needed. On its own wouldn't it just have postponed the inevitable?
Respite, alongside proper theraputic or other support for the family, absolutely yes. On its own when a family has got into a crisis situation, probably not enough.
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Post by esty (archive) on Jan 2, 2015 18:38:50 GMT
Big Fish gets one night a week at a school residential placememt which has caused more problems than not. I used to call it stresspite. He also gets 12 hours Direct Payments a week which I use as a family help to enable us to do the things that other familys do but I cannot do due to his very complex needs. Without these DP workers ,who have become part of the family and/or were family friends before becoming DP workers, I would have gone under. Little Minnow also attends gymnastics three times a week without which I would lose the plot. I'm a strong believer in that these children should be cared for by the 'village' and I see no shame in relying on extra hands/support. Both of my boys have got a family and live a family life which they wouldn't have done if I hadn't had them. The fact that I need the support to provide that family life does not reflect on me but on the fact that no one can parent two children with very complex needs without outside help. Big Fish is on a 2:1 placement when he is at respite as they cannot manage his needs otherwise. I think SS are very short sighted for not providing more respite for everyone. If Big Fish were to go into full time care if I went under it would cost them near on £100,000 to place him. A few hours DP and one overnight is nothing compared to that figure.
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Post by lilyofthevalley on Jan 2, 2015 20:58:42 GMT
This is a very important issue. Unfortunately respite can be reserved for very specific categories of children. Both of my children had severe ADHD along with other diagnoses. I was encouraged when a new respite facility was built in my area. ADHD was included in the groups of children to benefit. However when I enquired they couldn't go because they also needed to have a learning disability which they didn't have. You can also get the situation where the needs are so complex that no facility will provide respite. I had this situation with my daughter when she was excluded from school and abusing alcohol and solvents. Nowhere in Scotland would take her to give me a break.
I agree with loadsofbubs that foster carers do not automatically get respite care. It may be provided sometimes as a last resort to prevent the breakdown of the placement. At one point I tried to provide kinship care for my two granddaughters. However the younger child showed such violent behaviour towards her sister, especially when I was driving the car, and such cruelty towards pets that I had to ask for them to go back into care. (I would have been prepared to continue to care for the older girl but they were not being split up). They went to live with a very experienced foster parent with good family support. She lasted a month. The next foster parents, a couple with a teenager daughter, lasted a bit longer. The foster parents where they are placed permanently now have been given regular respite and psychiatric support is being provided for the younger girl.
Another thought I have sometimes had is that a great deal depends on how wealthy you are. If you are very well off and so inclined you can send your child to an expensive boarding school. The child receives a good education and you get a great deal of respite. You can supplement this with all sorts of holidays, school trips, expensive activities etc. ADHD runs in my family and my nephew suffers from it. He went to boarding school and went on every foreign school trip going, as well as taking part in all sorts of expensive hobbies. (I am the poor relation!) I have often thought how very different it would have been if his parents had had to care for him at home with few financial resources.
Lily x
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Post by shadow on Jan 3, 2015 15:26:25 GMT
Shadette went into respite 2 nights a week for 2 years - it was a struggle getting her there - of course she was angelic when in - I had to use it to work to try and hang onto my job so didn't get the full benefit but two nights not being woken up all night and not having to be hyper vigilant was rather restful
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Post by damson on Jan 3, 2015 21:37:55 GMT
We had one weekend a month of respite provided for DS when we thought we could manage to put our family back together again, after DD went into care. We intended to have DD to stay with us, but she jibbed, as she didn't think it was worth it - didn't believe it was a path to reunification.
We did not get respite earlier on. We asked, and were told that it was as scarce as hens teeth. But then things fell apart completely, and a full placement had to be found for DD. Over the years, we had very little respite from family/ friends because no-one could take our two children together. Holidays were particularly stressful, and we used to make a plan for the summer holidays that would not have disgraced High Command. Would we have lasted longer with respite? Probably yes. It would have cut some of the exhaustion, and given us a bit more energy to tackle the therapy deficit.
So yes, I do think adoptive parents are just as deserving of respite as foster carers. Which means that all of us are competing for a very scarce resource. I have friends who do relief care and it is a particular kind of work, as they need to tread lightly so as not to destabilise things in the child's main home. And yes, the children who need respite care are not that easy to deal with - there is a good reason (at least one!) why they need a respite placement.
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Post by pingu on Jan 4, 2015 0:02:27 GMT
My guess would be that this is a wider than just adopters. My dh does driver / support work and this includes driving kids who are going to or from respite. It's not fostered kids though, it is usually children with severe autism or physical disabilities , whose parents need a regular rest from the sheer hard work of caring for them. I suspect therefore that they are the tip of the iceberg of parents needing a break. For various reasons. we have found that for us teaming up with other adopters and other people with difficult kids is helpful for support. And we are fighting tooth and nail at the moment, to get funding for a school that is right for ds2 in many ways, but also has the option that he could board if we needed a break.. I would like to see LA's build up a list of folks who can do short respites or flying respites where they come and nanny or even just babysit, to let parents get away. For a short time. Dream on Pingu!!!
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Post by ham on Jan 4, 2015 18:02:54 GMT
when she was younger dd had a weekend a month and was also about her brothers having a break form her as well as us.This was only given to us after I refused to have her home Once she became 16 she went to a residential college so service no loner needed but I cold really do with some now. even though she is an adult. I am now single and have to work full time which in it self has a massive impact on her. Her dad does have her but only when it suits him so when do I get any time for me.I am still waiting for anything to be sorted out.I keep being told it does not exist excuse me guess where I worked part time until very recently x house a residential home for adults with learning disabilities which had a short break unit attached .
I do think it needs careful consideration as part of a support package at placement not for immediate use but when things become tough and bad. Yes there may well be pay back but to know you are not responsible for this person for 48.hours .A god send for me.it took a while but a break from constant hypo vigilance ,the violence the constant demand for my time.to have a wee in peace was sheer bliss. I understand fiances are not finite but just maybe JMK dd would not be section 20 and then the respite would have been a cheaper option.( not knocking those s20 parents) . It needs to go beyond childhood into adult hood if the person remains in the family home.
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Post by lankelly on Feb 7, 2015 22:27:15 GMT
Well we must be blessed as our son has short breaks once per month for two to three nights. This comes through local authority After Adoption service on the disability side of respite carers.It has meant a huge difference though sometimes I. Wonder what life could be like if it were this easy each week.! Don't know how long it will last.but I believe everyone should have this option unless there is family/friends who can supply similar. . . For me it helps show us all as people with distinct needs hard to do when being abused daily by children.
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Post by lankelly on Feb 8, 2015 11:30:19 GMT
The down side is of course feeling that I may quite like the differences that happen during short breaks and its so hard to readjust back. I truly believe every placed child should have a package of respite options spread over age frames to be used at adopters discretion. It's tough enough to stay positive without having to brow tow to everyone for support when in the thick of it.If our funding were taken away now I'm not certain what we would do. But I hear that commune life has its benefits.!
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