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Post by homebird on Sept 28, 2013 7:54:02 GMT
My adopted daughter has never lived with her siblings as she came home to us at 3 days old. She has had direct contact with her oldest siblings who lived with extended birth family and letterbox with the others who were adopted together outside the family. I was told that our letters unsettled the children who apparently never talked about their siblings/birth family and therefore we had contact reduced to one letter a year. Last year the adopted group contacted their siblings through Facebook (secretly) and mobile phone numbers were exchanged. I was aware of this as I monitor my daughters activity. I eventually informed the adoptees parents via social services. After the initial shock the parents have accepted its happened and we arranged a get together which turned out to be a lovely day. Adoptive mum befriended me on Facebook and gave me her mobile number. She asked me to write the usual contact letter.
It is almost 3 months since I wrote but I have not had a reply. I messaged her through FB to let her know the letter was on its way but she did not respond. My daughter tries to "chat" with the children when she can see they are online. She can tell that they have read her messages. Adoptive mum told me that the children do not always respond to texts even from best friends but when I asked if they could kindly reply now and then she said she'd speak to them.
Obviously without knowing the people involved it would be hard for others to fathom out why they are ignoring us but I would welcome any thoughts on this. I was brought up to reply to letters/messages but perhaps others do not? Is it simply a case of life being busy and we're not important enough? Could it be that after the initial excitement of the secrecy the children are now bored with it? Is it because we are birth family and they have concerns over security (but why give us access to Facebook and mobile numbers) I do not want to be a nuisance by messaging or texting. I have always strived to be friendly with the other parents - after all, we have adopted siblings which to my mind makes us family.
Is there anything else which could explain their silence? I won't be offended if you think I'm "barking up the wrong tree". I genuinely want to understand as this contact is very important to us and although we are adopters we are also birth family and have not experienced any of the common problems others face.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2013 9:56:04 GMT
Hi Homebird,
It could be a combination of all of the above.
Often with re-unions after the initial excitement of meeting is over, people drift off back to their own lives and appear to have lost interest, hard if you're the only one away from the others as they have each other. Also remember they have never lived with your DD and probably think of her more as a cousin or aquaintence rather than a sister.
I agree with you, I was taught to always reply to letters or even emails, but these days with FB and Twitter and texting everything has changed and is so instant and sadly, instantly forgetable too.
It must be heartbreaking for your DD to be watching her siblings carrying on with their lives and appearing to ignore her. That is one of the major downsides of FB and the like, and if she's not careful they may accuse her of stalking them.
If I were you I would write to their Mum and explain how much their lack of contact is hurting your DD. Surely as a mum herself she would understand and could she not get them to a least reply to some of DD's posts. Explain how DD feels rejected etc and see if she can do something about it.
I wish you luck, it is a hard one. Hope others will be along with more advice soon. Hugs to you xx
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Post by homebird on Sept 28, 2013 11:41:54 GMT
Thanks jmk, it could be down to how they see our daughter - if they have not been encouraged to talk about her they may not be feeling any connection. We were encouraged to be open with our daughter about her adoption and the why's and wherefore's of what's happened to the rest of her family. As we are related we have more information than most. Also, we were expected to maintain direct contact with her non-adopted siblings which works well and it seemed right to acknowledge that the others were her family too, so to her they are as much her brothers and sisters as the others are.
I have told adoptive mum twice in the last 6 months how the lack of communication is upsetting our daughter and am a bit wary of bringing it up again as I don't want to appear too pushy. I can't write again as we've done this years contact letter. I know she doesn't visit facebook often, probably only once a week or so and I'm reluctant to text as that seems intrusive. She told me FB and text should be for urgent matters only and the annual letter would still be our main means of communication.
It is hard to see that our daughter gets upset and I wish I hadn't allowed it to happen but I can't now tell her to cut them out of her life and go back to the annual letter.
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Post by homebird on Sept 28, 2013 13:14:29 GMT
That's an interesting idea tokoloshe and definitely worth approaching them with. Our daughter did Skype quite a lot with one of them when they first made contact so that could be a good compromise. Letters probably not so good as we have to wait 2/3 months for a reply even though we have a set date for writing (chosen by them) Thank you :-)
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Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2013 14:00:37 GMT
And with the Skype other Mother could supervise. ie listen in and be there throughout, (if she was worried about security or your DD saying anything about BF), if that was her worry. She would be in much more control of it then what they say or do on Facebook, and then maybe she could see that your DD is not a threat to her kids at all, but a sweet girl who just wants to stay in touch and get to know her siblings.
Adoptive Mum would have to be sure that the siblings actually wanted to do this though, because as we all know if kids don't want to do something they won't, and it would be worse for your DD if she felt they were being made to do it IYSWIM, as she would pick up on there lack of interest which would be harder to hide than in a letter.
Only you know the whole story, are the siblings interested enough in DD to want to chat to her do you think? Maybe if it was once a month, so not too intrusive, it might work and they would certainly be able to get to know each other, whilst being supervised both ends. Worth a try?
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Post by homebird on Sept 28, 2013 14:43:10 GMT
I don't know if the siblings are interested enough - I presumed they were as they made the contact. I asked the parents in my letter about how much input they wanted from us because their oldest seemed very keen to hear what we remembered about her and wanted me to look for photos of when they were little. I put together some memories and photos and sent them to adoptive mum to decide whether to pass them on. I'm afraid there seems to be a lack of communication between parents and children though because the girl told her oldest (non adopted) sister that she was desperate to talk about things but mum wouldn't. I also feel that the children are not supervised when on the internet which is why it was such a shock to their parents to find contact being done in secret. (I'm no wizard on the internet but its easy to see who your children are friends with on Facebook)
Even after 11 years of writing I really can't decide whether they don't actually want us in their lives or whether they just are lazy when it comes to keeping in touch! I hope they reply to my letter soon so I can gauge whether its worth trying for a Skype chat on a regular basis - I really like that idea.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 29, 2013 8:53:01 GMT
It does sound as if Adoptive Mum is hoping you and DD will go away and leave them alone, which is so selfish of her, especially if one of her kids wants contact. It is a hard one and I can only imagine she might have worries/concerns that you are still in touch with BF. She is storing up problems for herself in the future though if she is preventing her children from getting to know their sister and it is extremely naieve of her to not realize her children were already chatting to DD on FB.
That's where Skype might be better as she could be part of it and will be able to hear what is said. Unfortunately for you she has the power to choose and may not choose in your DD's favour. Sad but true, but the fact that the siblings know about DD means that at some stage or other they are going to want to contact her.
Think this Mum needs a bi of a reality check.
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Post by homebird on Sept 29, 2013 12:42:48 GMT
Hmm, yes it does seem to boil down to the fact we are part of birth family. I have always been careful to pass on family news in my personal letter to adoptive mum and only talked about us and our own children in the general newsletter. My daughter writes her own letters to the children and has only ever talked about her activities. I wish they'd reply to the questions in my letter! I'll give it another two weeks which will take it up to 3 months since I know they received our letters (social services confirmed the date they were sent) and then text - I think that's a reasonable length of time. Its hard not knowing - putting aside the letter business are they waiting for us to make the next move (and hoping we don't!!)
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Post by greyspeckledhen on Sept 29, 2013 22:40:34 GMT
with our sibling contact we have a few things going on. The other Adoptive mum is not keen so does nothing to encourage it(and a fair bit to discourage it). My boys really dislike writing so avoid it letter writing or emails at any cost, even if it means not being in touch when they WOULD like to be. We seem to get round most things by phoning occasionally but it is a delicate line as we don't want to be too pushy. Meeting up frequently gets cancelled by her mum but he do our best to hang in there.
I'd say there is probably a combination of laziness and not wanting your dd to be too much 'in their face'. So sad for you & your dd though - it wouldn't take much for them to give an occasional reply.
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Post by moo on Sept 30, 2013 6:09:34 GMT
{{{homebird}}}
It sounds sadly that the other family are not going to allow your dd what she wants...  For you it's so unfair....
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by homebird on Sept 30, 2013 8:40:01 GMT
I have spent a sleepless night writing letters in my head. I have never phoned the family direct and facebook messages are easily ignored so I will write another letter via social services. I want to tell them of our disappointment. I will point out that their children initiated direct contact which indicates that they are interested and that I think they are old enough to take responsibility for maintaining that kind of contact (they are almost 16 & 17) We had accepted that a.mum wanted minimal contact and we stuck to the rules so this has really churned us up.
Thank you all for your thoughts and ideas - I have made a note of them and they will certainly help me to move on with this.
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For you it's so unfair....