|
|
Post by jollymummy on Dec 7, 2014 16:27:50 GMT
There have been some major upsets in the last few weeks. 3 weeks ago immediately following a family therapy (FT) session between the twins, AD1 ran away in an area she didn't know, with no money. Was eventually found and returned by police. then 3 days later, on leave, overdosed on 55 paracetemol (while I was away at AUK conference in Birmingham). Was kept in hospital for 4 days and should make a full recovery (although touch and go at one point as she refused treatment).
She came home last weekend and all went well. Then, on Wednesday the twins had another FT session which ended with them squaring up to each other and girls having to be separated. Partly fuelled by AD2's support worker who wouldn't leave the fT session "in the room". AD1 was unsettled on the ward, but quickly calmed down. That evening AD2 ran off, with 2 others. The good thing about this was that she was psoting where she was. I believe she wanted to go back to placement but didn't want to lose face by contacting staff so this was her way to "get caught".
We wanted to have both girls for Xmas and with this in mind had a plan for increased time home for AD2. She had a successful day at home (without her sister being here). This weekend would be the first time both girls would be at home together. The plan had been for AD1 to come for the weekend and for AD2 to come for 5/6 hours on Saturday. We contemplated cancelling, given the events of Wednesday but, because it seemed as though the reason for the escalation in trouble between the girls was the care worker and that the girls gave assurances that all would be fine we decided to go ahead. We thought that wanting to come home at Xmas would be enough to keep them focused on "behaving",
On Friday night AD1 ran off while out with DH and AS. We ran AD2 who didn't respond. It turned out she had also ran off. They met each other in London and were missing for over 6 hours. As you can imagine we were distraught. As far as we are aware, neither girls had much money. They are vulnerable but think they are invincible.
They were eventually picked up at ST Thomas' hospital at 3.30am. Both drunk and AD2 hysterical. They claimed to have had alcohol and cannabis (although AD1's blood tests were negative - AD2 wasn't tested). They are physically ok now, although both subdued.
What happened to them/the reason why they decided to do this even though they were meeting the next day has not emerged yet. I could sort of get it if they felt it was the only way to see each other but they were seeing each other the next day! I would be more understanding if I thought it was due to their MH problems but I cannot see it as being anything other than sheer defiance/ naughtiness.
Also we have found out that they got into a car with some men. When AD1 was told how risky that was, she said "but they were nice!"
I have several worries now.
How did they get the cannabis/alcohol? What did they have to do to get it? Do they need the morning-after pill? Have they swapped contact details with these men? I may be over-reacting but they are perfect fodder for child sexual exploitation!
Also what now happens about Xmas? It is clear they cannot come home on Xmas Day but I don't want to spend it driving around South England to visit them. We have arranged to have family here and, I feel, the girls made their choice about whether they come home or not on Friday when they decided to do what they did. AS (14) wants them to be home for Xmas but has announced he will stay home alone rather than go to visit them. He says it is "their fault" and, actually I don't blame him.
|
|
|
|
Post by serrakunda on Dec 7, 2014 18:49:46 GMT
((((Jollymummy)))))))
Such a lot to deal with
Do you have to see them Christmas Day, what about Boxing Day
You deserve a Christmas too.
|
|
|
|
Post by damson on Dec 7, 2014 19:00:05 GMT
Oh dear, (((JM, DH and AS)))
It seems to me that it is still quite a long way off Christmas, and there are many more opportunities for strange behaviour.
AD2 particularly sounds like she is having a lark.
Neither of them will have thought ahead and realised that their jaunt to London could jeopardise their Christmas at home.
It does sound like the FT is driving more extreme behaviour. How many more sessions are there before Christmas?
Staying Safe work is the obligation of both placements.
Now, what to do about Christmas?
No simple answer.
If the two of them get up to mischief together, then having both in the house at once is too much.
Can you have a Christmas relay? DD1 before Christmas and DD2 after Christmas? Then they can have a taste of Christmas at home, but can't wreck your family celebration.
There is nothing sacrosanct about having a mega row/ running off/ overdosing/ riding with strange men on Christmas Day itself, is there?
I hope the profs come up with something supportable, and your Christmas is not completely hoist.
No way should you have to drive round S. England visiting on Christmas Day.
xxx Damson
|
|
|
|
Post by ham on Dec 7, 2014 21:46:19 GMT
I am sure you visited both girls last year .Is it not time for AS to have a Christmas based around his needs rather then the girls. You can do something with the before or after wards. Maybe they could Skype with support. I know it is hard and a difficult choice but Christmas can be such a hard time for our children maybe the plan to be together at home should not be based around a traditional family time.
hugs
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2014 8:02:09 GMT
JM so sorry to read this latest escapade. Was wondering where you were, but can see you have had a lot going on.
I agree with the others, it sounds like you can't really have the girls together on Christmas day. They seem to be a really bad influence on each other and planned the London meet up. I think you should try and see one of the on Christmas Eve and the other one on Boxing Day and spend Christmas day focussing on AS and your other family members who are coming to you. Your girls will have to learn that until tbey can behave reasonably, they cannot be together as it is just not safe or practical for anyone of you. It's hard but you don't want to spend the day on edge waiting for them to run off or do something stupid and you deserve a nice quiet enjoyable day.
is it a twin thing? Are they worse when together? Is the family therapy just between them? So worrying for you, I really do feel for you, especially this time of year. Hugs to you and DH. Xx
|
|
|
|
Post by jollymummy on Dec 8, 2014 8:20:18 GMT
Spoke to DD2 last night who has apparently been subdued all weekend. Was very tearful on the phone. Her version of events is that DD1 rang her cos she was bored and asked her to meet her. Initially she laughed it off, then DD1 put her under pressure saying "you owe me after Wednesday". So off she went. They got in a car with 3 men who gave them alcohol and cannabis (not sure about this as DD1 tested negative for cannabis). AD3 got drunk very quickly. Cannot really remember the whole time but is certain she did not have any sexual contact with them. I said the drink could have been laced with "Date rape" drug to which she replied "I wasn't born yesterday!". "Well stop behaving like you were! Getting into a car with 3 strange men". Then she said she only got in the car cos DD1 did and she didn't want to leave her on her own with them.
The worst thing to happen to her, from her perspective, is that DD1 got angry with her for being so drunk (she doesn't handle alcohol well). Apparently they only had to get out of the car cos DD2 was drunk. So they had an argument in the street and DD1 punched her on the jaw. DD1 has crossed a line now, in my opinion. She has got violent before (which is why she is in a forensic MH unit) but never to family. DD2 was really shocked by it. And how angry she got.
So there is a lot to worry about. This is only DD2's perspective. She may be lying through her teeth or just rationalising things after the event. I am concerned about DD1 hitting her sister. When DS learned of this he revealed that she also got aggressive with him when he wouldn't give her money for cigarettes. Tore his superdry hoodie and pulled his hair. I think it has really affected him this weekend - he has been very quiet.
JMK -the FT sessions started with the girls - to sort their relationship. Then DH and I had a session with them followed, a couple of weeks later, by one just us and then another just us that should have been with the girls but DD1 was in hospital following her paracetemol OD. There is supposed to be one on 15th for DH and I which might be more useful to be all of us so we can talk about this weekend.
I am feeling sorry for AD2 now and have to keep reminding myself that she made the choice. They were seeing each other the next day. She could have easily said No. Also, flipping the finger at one of her carers as she went past him on the train and posting a picture of them together on FB saying "try and control us now" does not suggest someone reluctantly going along with her manipulative (as painted by DD2) sister's plan. As I said to her last night she could easily have posted on fB where she was or texted someone without her sister knowing. That would have been a better way to protect her.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2014 8:45:54 GMT
Sounds so complex.
I'd still be inclined to have neither of them there on Christmas day. They sound as guilty as each other and it sounds as if the trauma bond has never gone away.
Having only one of them home for the day would not help IMO as it would only show favouritism and would not help the one who doesn't come home. At least if neither of them comes you are showing you are treating them equally and DD2 will have to learn to say no to her sister if she wants to come home in the future.
I really feel for you as it is so hard to try and find out the truth of what happened and who said what to whom when they are both entwined in each others trauma.
Hope you manage to find some solution to all of this, but no one would blame you if you decide to have neither of them home for Christmas and just focus on DS. Please look after yourself in all of this, it cannot be easy to be so torn. Xx
|
|
|
|
Post by peartree on Dec 8, 2014 8:52:48 GMT
I'm just dumbfounded how speedily they get into such dire trouble
Much much love to all xx
|
|
|
|
Post by jollymummy on Dec 8, 2014 9:03:21 GMT
There is no way we would just have one of them home without the other. Different if it was their placements who decided that one could come home at xmas and the other couldn't, but we wouldnt choose between them in that way. Most likely scenario at the moment is that we will drive to see them both on Xmas Eve. Better if they can be in one place (supported by staff) to reduce the driving.
|
|
|
|
Post by mayan on Dec 8, 2014 12:54:38 GMT
Sending hugs and strength to you JM - sounds very difficult for you all at the moment. This time of year is so loaded for all sorts of reasons and then coupled with FT and their ages - it is not surprising you are juggling fire crackers.
Being purely pragmatic I think the first priority has to be your ds and yourselves - the last thing you need to be doing when you are already dealing with such a stressful situation with two children who are in need of different things right now is to be gallivanting around the country in icy conditions. Given how fragile the girls are anything could tip their mood and whilst it is no doubt heartbreakingly hard to boundary your home at a time of peace and goodwill the risks all round can outweigh the rewards. Only you can weigh yours. However do think about taking some of the pressure off yourselves too - even now after years of practice I still feel the pressure to make my different family dynamic fit the mould of all the ads and that of my childhood albeit that wasn't always conventional.
We have long adjusted our expectations for a variety of reasons not least never really being 100 percent sure that ds won't try and sabotage things for dd in some way - he works most of the day now anyway and we connect via the wonders of technology if and when he is up to it or after Xmas for our own low key "thing" or even months later just to keep the pressure off. Dd also has to work most of the holidays but she will need differing measures of activity and time to reflect on the day so bracing walks on a beach somewhere weather permitting or huddled up in a bird hide with hot chocolate in a thermos rather than trying to ignore the elephant in the room for us and spreading the spirit of Christmas over many days and months even makes things far easier all round. Being able to negotiate a positive way of being and connecting with our children and them being able to do the same on terms they can manage can be gift enough sometimes - whether it is the 25th or some other date or only by virtue of a card sometimes it is just keeping the connection going however tenuous it can be at times.
There are different ways of doing the day and I know it comforts me at times to think ours is one of very very many having to rethink things but finding positives amongst all of it. I hope you and your family despite the current challenges can find a safe and less stressful way of being a family.
Thinking of you
Mx
|
|
|
|
Post by flutterby on Dec 8, 2014 13:33:42 GMT
JM, everyone has already said so many good things, so can't add to that. Just wanted to say how amazing you are and that after all you have been through you have not "given up" on the girls.
Look after yourself and I hope that in time somehow the girls will mature and be able to see what a wonderful parent you are. - And hopefully without first having to go through more trauma of their own. xxx
|
|
|
|
Post by mooster on Dec 8, 2014 15:52:23 GMT
Hoping you find a way through all this, you sound so amazing to be hanging in there despite very difficult stuff going on.
Wishing you well.
Mooster x
|
|
|
|
Post by jollymummy on Dec 9, 2014 21:11:11 GMT
DD1's hospital has cancelled all her leave, including Xmas and is saying they cannot facilitate a visit on the bank holidays. So decision made there. Havent heard from DD2's place what their take on it is. DD2, however, doesn't see how her actions mean that she cannot come home Xmas (or this weekend for that matter). Never quite been able to make the connection between actions and consequences. She claims that it is because we don't want her here.
Some disagreement over whose fault it is. DD2 only got into the car cos DD1 was getting in and she didn't want her to be on her own. But DD1 said the same the other way around! Also, DD2 claiming that DD1 is demanding an apology, which DD1 denies.
I don't think we will ever know the truth. Just need to keep reminding them that they chose to behave as they did, so it is their "fault" that their leave/ Xmas plans have been cancelled.
|
|
|
|
Post by damson on Dec 9, 2014 21:21:30 GMT
Sounds like there is lots of free floating blame about.
I hope you are wearing your most stylish teflon outfit, and none sticks to you.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2014 11:02:08 GMT
All the more reason for you to not have either of them home for Christmas.
They do have to learn there are consequences for their actions and each twin has to learn to say no to the other one, if either of them is suggesting anything risky like the unauthorised trip to London. Until they accept this, there is very little you can do and they need to learn the hard way.
You deserve a pleasant day and if the only way you can achieve this is by having neither of them home then so be it. They have made their choice and have to live with the consequence. Let's hope they learn from it, or at least that one of them does.xx
|
|
