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Post by sockthing on Nov 25, 2014 11:42:11 GMT
Hello, I've not been on the boards much in the last week as Kipper has not been well, and DH and I have got the lurgy too. So apologies for not managing to acknowledge replies to my other threads.
I'm having a bit of a stress over Kippers school Christmas play and would appreciate any thoughts. I kind of don't know where to start and am very foggy with snot, so sorry if this is garbled.
The Head teacher is in charge of the play, and she is very into music and the arts and pretty ambitious every year (rumour has it). Rather than a class nativity with a tea towel on your head as a shepherd in the school hall, they are staging a whole school production of Baboushka.
The storyline goes something like this:
Old lady lives alone, and the 3 wise men knock on her door for shelter. They tell her where they are going and ask her to go with them,,,she says she has some toys to give the baby Jesus, because her baby died long ago. She doesn't go with them. After they've gone she changes her mind, sings a sad song about her baby that died, leaves the house and tries to find them. She never finds them, and spends all night looking for them and looking for the baby Jesus, who she also never finds, but distributing presents to children as she goes.
Is it just me or is this a nightmare of a plot for an adopted child with probable loss issues???
On top of that, the play is going to be performed not in the school, or even in the village hall, but in a church hall in the next town. This means the kids are going to be put on a coach and transported out of the village. The next town is only a ten minute drive away, but it will be the furthest distance my sweet little man has been away from me. He has also never been in a bus, and never even been in someone else's car without me and DH.
Sooooo...along with the storyline, he will be out on said coach, driven past our house, out of the village, to a church he doesn't know, put in a costume, and will take part in front of loads of strangers.
He has been learning the songs, and keeps being taken out of class with some of the others to practice walking across the stage. Sweet little man doesn't seem to have a clue that there's even going to be a play and seems to have no idea why he's being made to walk around.
DH thinks we can't stress too much Iver it, that Kioper will go with the flow if all the other children are doing it, and even if he is stressed he will cope and get through it. I'm not sure....I swing from being too exhausted to know what I think, to thinking it's madness to put him through it and he should just not take part at all , to agreeing with DH, to thinking it'll be ok if I a) go on the coach with him or meet him at the other end , b) explain it all painstakingly albeit probably triggering great anxiety and possible refusal. C) visit the church in advance with him.
I'm so tired!!!! I did talk to the Head about the themes being potentially difficult and she was not getting it really, saying "oh it's not really loss or separation because Baboushka never was with the baby Jesus to start with, and we pass over the dead baby bit very fast " etc.
Any thoughts???
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Post by poohbear on Nov 25, 2014 12:00:19 GMT
What a bizarre play for any primary school children to take part in! My 5 year old would definitely pick up and obsess on the dead baby issue!
Sorry, have no real advise but just a bit astounded!
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Post by sockthing on Nov 25, 2014 12:03:25 GMT
Yeah, me too. ??
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Post by serrakunda on Nov 25, 2014 12:48:08 GMT
It all sounds a bit much for any child to me ! Personally I think I would insist on going on the coach with him. With such a big production they are bound to need some help with costumes etc so it won't necessarily look OTT on your part.
Any idea what the other parents think?
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Post by daffin on Nov 25, 2014 13:29:19 GMT
Sounds like a really unfortunate theme to me, too.
I would worry about Monkey Boy going on a 10 mile bus journey. Can you take a bus with him as a practice as well as volunteering to go with the group 'to help out'?
I kept MB out of a recent school disco because I was worried about him getting worried about the crowds and noise (two of his triggers). He was sad about not joining in with the others. It's hard this business, isn't it?!
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Post by sivier on Nov 25, 2014 17:55:32 GMT
Gosh - a dead baby and searching for people you never find? I think that sounds pretty heavy for a Reception aged child, never mind one with wobbly attachment and various anxieties. I would have been pretty horrified if DD had been asked to take part in that. She might cope more now in Year 1 (only a bit more), but first term in Reception and struggling with separation from me? No.
If Kipper seems oblivious at the moment maybe go with for now...but I think it's a good idea to visit the venue in advance and have your own friendly family name for it maybe, also (insist on?) being a parent helper for the event, and arrange to take him separately? That way you can also always leave if Kipper is really struggling on the day, but make sure school knows beforehand this might be an outcome so they've got sufficient other helpers on the day.
Also maybe prepare teachers for fall out in the classroom in case he does have a delayed reaction to the storyline and the worry of going on the coach?
But if he shows signs of distress beforehand, as people say, could he have a different role.
What an added stress to an already 'busy' and hectic time of year for parents and little ones both....
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Post by pluto on Nov 25, 2014 17:56:54 GMT
If I had a 4 year old who had to be in such stupid story line I would just keep the child home. Beside the fact that there is no need to be put in this situation. I am sure the are better moments 'to toughen him up' . i doubt you will get far explaining, just call him in sick a day or 2 before. See or there is something more appropiate to go to.
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Post by leo on Nov 25, 2014 18:44:12 GMT
Subject matter aside, for any trips I used to drive my boys separately and meet up with the others once at the destination. It would have been complete sensory overload and utter panic at being driven away otherwise. School were always understanding -especially if I offered to take items they needed for the trip in my boot so they had their hands free!
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Post by homebird on Nov 26, 2014 8:24:59 GMT
I think that is too much for any 4 year old. If you feel that he'll get no benefit from taking part I would go along with the taking him out of school for a couple of days.
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Post by sockthing on Nov 26, 2014 9:32:16 GMT
Thanks everyone. I was wondering if I was just being over-protective; it's really hard to know sometimes isn't it , from the inside of the adoption bubble. He seems quite agitated today. Cheerful but tense and hyper. It was like trying to get a hyperactive jellyfish to school. They don't seem to have explained to the children in reception that they are going to be in a play - play is next week and costumes due in tomorrow! I realise most parents have probably just chatted about it naturally with their kids but in this house we always have to mindful that Kipper will obsess and stress and build himself up into a panicked frenzy, so I was holding off to see how it evolved. Doesn't help that DH and I can't agree. At the very least I think I will make sure he doesn't go on the coach and I will drive him there myself.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2014 9:33:30 GMT
If Kipper is showing no signs of anxiety about the play, I would go along with it at the moment as the subtelties of the storyline might not have even registered on his radar as yet.
But I would either go along as a helper so you can observe him and see how he is coping, or I would insist on driving him there and back so that you can slip him out and escape should, it all become too much for him.
He may surprise you and be absolutely fine, but you won't know if you don't let him try and you will single him out by removing him.
But if he expresses any worries or concerns between now and the performance, then use the 24 hour bug card and keep him at home
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Post by sockthing on Nov 26, 2014 9:50:01 GMT
Thank you jmk for such a lovely sensible but sensitive reply! You've summed it up nicely I think. DH (and I) don't want to single him out, (he's already the only one doing half days, so is a bit out of things) don't want to the school to start seeing us as over sensitive, and want to give K the chance to try otherwise how will he ever build resilience....but also don't want to terrify the poor child.
I think your suggestion hits a good balance.
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Post by esty (archive) on Nov 26, 2014 17:48:22 GMT
Isn't he going to be poorly on that day?
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Post by pluto on Nov 26, 2014 19:14:07 GMT
I respect you do not want to single him out, but he is a child with special needs, there is no need to think that this will be a huge learning experience for him at 4 years of age. Do the school think he is avarage and has no issues? Why is he doing half days than? They should not brush his problems under the table. In my experience dealing with any professional is often a skill in itself, especially teachers, to get a message across and keep a productive working relationship can be very challenging. But I pressume ones skin grows thick over the years and it becomes easier and easier, maybe also because the children's problems become much more obvious.
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Post by mudlark on Nov 26, 2014 19:57:53 GMT
Loads of great replies and you can see both sides - I
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Post by mudlark on Nov 26, 2014 20:04:44 GMT
....pressed too quickly..I agree whole project sounds rather pretentious for primary ages. But I would agree with jmk that if Kipper shows any signs of getting over anxious about the whole thing, just take him out of school for a couple of days I don't think you should worry about seeming overly anxious... you have every reason to be anxious about him! If lapwing becomes too anxious about being a non speaking angel in the nativity we just wont go.
Baboushka though! someone is obviously a frustrated theatre luvvy! It sounds like something Linda Snell from the archers would dream up
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Post by ceci on Nov 26, 2014 21:23:24 GMT
We've always allowed our dd to be a part of the play/concert but it has always taken so much out of her. She often sat white faced in the middle of the other children and although she was obviously stressed, as she got older she really wanted to be there and we've gone with her wishes. To compensate we often keep her off school the day before/after these type of things. The whole school routine goes out the window around Christmas which my dd finds really, really hard and we've found that putting in lots of support/structure in whatever way we can helps her. She's been asked to read as a narrator this year in the nursery play (big, huge thing for her as she's never asked to do these types of things, and her reading isn't great), and I can see her stress kicking in already, but she's determined to do it. I know the Babouska story and it does have it's place as a lovely Christmas story, but not sure how it would work as a play!! It's really a story about missed opportunities. Hope whatever you decide goes well.
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Post by sockthing on Nov 27, 2014 9:42:56 GMT
Wow. Well, the Head Teacher nabbed me after drop off this morning to talk about how Kipper will manage.
She volunteered that a) I can take him by car if I like B) he doesn't have to do it at all if he can't cope , he can just be "off sick" C) she' d really like him to be in it because she hates kids to feel left out, but she doesn't want him to be massively stressed either D) he can skip the evening performance and only do the daytime one if we want E) we can decide totally at the last minute depending on how he seems F) she's got a member of staff placed directly in front of him in the audience to make him feel safe and rescue him if he has a wobble on stage E) we can all play it by ear, no pressure.
It's a weight off my shoulders and shows how important communication between school and home is! We are going to take him to the dress rehearsal and then completely play it by ear without feeling under pressure.
She seemed surprised that Kipper hadn't realised he's been practicing for a school play, as are we...I'm wondering why he hasn't understood this, whether the class teachers weren't explicit enough in their explanations of the daily activities, or whether it's his comprehension/attention. If he's in a state of hyper vigilance perhaps he's not been listening properly. Anyhow that's something to discuss with them after.
Thanks for the support all!
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Post by corkwing on Nov 27, 2014 10:01:51 GMT
Wow, Sockthing! Can you bottle that Head Teacher? I'm so touched that she'd recognised so many potential issues and was so realistically supportive. That is fantastic and I'm so glad that you've got the support that you need from her.
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Post by gilreth on Nov 27, 2014 13:32:00 GMT
Absolutely fantastic Sockwing - a headteacher who gets it....
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Post by esty (archive) on Nov 27, 2014 14:39:53 GMT
Did she come up with these things after you'd spoken to her, raised any issues. Most reception would struggle with putting on a performance especially away from school. It's bad enough going to watch one. Even LM's school who all go to the theatre don't include reception.
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Post by milly on Nov 27, 2014 16:31:04 GMT
Does seem rather extreme for any reception child -especially the evening performance. I doubt the story will resonate or even be noticed! I know children who have done the nativity several years running and have not a clue about the story!! And I have seen Baboushka performed at school by young children - never struck me as particularly inappropriate but that depends on a child's experiences of course. There are picture books of it for young children.
Head sounds great - lovely that he can be so well supported.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2014 8:24:12 GMT
Wow amazing result .... a HT who understands Kippers issues and that you are not an overprotective neurotic mother Fab! Go with the afternoon performance, evaluate the performance (Kipper's that is) and make a decision as to whether you think he's enjoyed it or not and then decide whether the takes part or drops out of the evening performance. You know your son better than anyone, you can read him better than anyone and will know whether he has enjoyed the experience, or has just sat there looking like a rabbit caught in the headlights and you have been given carte blanche by the HT to decide what's best form your child - Result!
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Post by damson on Nov 28, 2014 18:54:53 GMT
We have photos of both ours gazing out hopefully into the audience, small rabbits looking for mummy and daddy bunny in the darkness. You just might need a very recognisable hat! We skipped evening performances as ours flaked after one performance. If you think that's likely, just sweep him up and leave in triumph after one performance Home for a pudding of magnificence, bath of splendour and tucked into bed with a smile.
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Post by ham on Nov 28, 2014 22:10:16 GMT
wow what a thoughtful head. I would 'plan' something special for him so if he does not make it and upset that he is missing out you have something good planned for him to do new dvd to watch with you etc
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