|
|
Post by corkwing on Nov 21, 2014 14:57:24 GMT
We've had a call from Mackerel's care home to ask how much we were going to be spending on him for Christmas. The other kids, they say, won't be getting Christmas presents from their families so they need to know how much he's going to be getting so that they can match it for the other kids.
Part of me really understands that. The other part says that it's not really relevant: that maybe they should just be spending the same on all of the kids (including Mackerel) and if we give him something more, that's his good luck.
|
|
|
|
Post by fruitcake on Nov 21, 2014 15:11:27 GMT
This reminds me of my own institutionalisation in the Fever Hospital (well, for a month anyway) at age eight. Many of the children got no visitors. I did, and my family brought me presents of fruit, chocolate, etc. Matron would carefully divide up the chocolate into squares and cut the apples into slices, sharing it all round. So instead of gorging on a bag of apples and a mega bar of Dairy Milk, I just got a square and a slice like everyone else. I resented it at the time, but now think, thank goodness she did that, and grieve for those children whose enjoyment I resented at the time.
On the other hand, it does deprive you parents of the opportunity to treat Mackerel. You are simply funding the Social Services Christmas present allocation for him.
The thought of no-one buying a child Christmas presents is awful beyond words. |
|
|
|
Post by serrakunda on Nov 21, 2014 17:14:08 GMT
Sounds a bit cheeky to me, what if you were to say £1000?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2014 19:23:26 GMT
I can't believe they asked you that, it's none of their business how much you spend on your son.
Is Mackerel not coming home for Christmas day then?
In EDD's care home last Christmas the kids were told staff had about £100 to spend on each child and they were asked what they would like. Most of them wanted tablets or phones and DD did get an Iphone albeit a second hand one which cost more than £100, and actually all the kids did go home or saw their families on Christmas day, so also got presents from their families.
But if Mackerel is at home for the day, then he will not be opening all his presents in front of the care home kids, so why would it matter how much he got.
I do think it is nice that the care home staff are obviously going to make sure all the kids get some presents, but I don't think they should be asking you how much you are intending getting Mackerel, that's way too cheeky IMO.
|
|
|
|
Post by corkwing on Nov 21, 2014 20:53:33 GMT
No, he won't be home for Christmas day. He can't handle it, and the others can't either. It sounds mean, but really, it doesn't mean the same to him. The Christmas before he went into care, as soon as we'd done presents he wanted to go out with his friend (who happened to be in the care home that he's ended up in). Kermit and I have had the romantic ideas of a lovely, family Christmas, but sadly it doesn't happen.  |
|
|
|
Post by jazz31 on Nov 21, 2014 21:17:34 GMT
Thinking back to my fostering days, all of the foster children received birthday and Christmas grants, may be that care homes are different but I can't see why, surely all the children including mackerel should receive gifts of the same value plus any extras from family.
|
|
|
|
Post by milly on Nov 21, 2014 23:24:21 GMT
It would be nice if every kid got what they wanted (partially anyway!) rather than that they toted up what had been spent on them.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2014 5:34:32 GMT
Oh, in that case, then yes it does make sense that they would ask you approximately how much he was getting so that the others don't sit there watching Mackerel open loads of presents when they have maybe one or two from SS.
In that case I wonder if it would be better if you give him his presents before Christmas day, like maybe Christmas eve instead, that way on the day he could just receive the same as everyone else and that way he still gets your family presents but not in front of the others. I'm sure he won't object to getting them early.
|
|
|
|
Post by serrakunda on Nov 22, 2014 11:23:02 GMT
I can completely understand that the staff have to manage a potentially awkward situation. But they are putting you in an awkward situation too, in terms of trying to come up with an appropriate figure, or limiting what you may have wanted to do for mackerel
Like jmk says maybe giving him some presents early or even later may work. But I suppose it depends how you normally work the presents thing. Simba loves loads of parcels to open. So he gets stuff that I would have to buy anyway, pants, socks, pjs, slippers, shoes, this year he will get about 10 parcels just of essential clothes etc. as well as the presents.
|
|
|
|
Post by ham on Nov 28, 2014 22:26:47 GMT
but even within adopted families differences have to be managed eg children may have different contact arrangements which I have known to include presents so some children within a family may get more then another child.
even in my last job in supported living for adults some had more money then others and could go on holidays and others could not so day trips were arranged form them we just managed it.
It is your business how much money you spend on him and the home have to deal with it.
|
|
|
|
Post by bop on Nov 29, 2014 8:15:28 GMT
Interesting topic - we've been wondering what to do for DD1, whose birthday is also the week before Christmas....
I asked if SW we could give presents and was told that was OK, since then DD is beig uber nice - SW thinks its a genuine turnaround, I'm hoping it is too but am also realistic that it could just be present related!
Bop
|
|
|
|
Post by jollymummy on Nov 29, 2014 23:27:45 GMT
I think you should tell his placement that you will give him his Xmas presents separately and that it is none of their business how much you choose to spend.
Yes, the others may not get pressies from their family but they should all be treated the same by placement/SS - so if they get £100 spent on them they all get that, regardless of what you are buying.
My daughter's place don't ask at all what we are doing for her - and some of the girls there don't have families buying them pressies.
|
|
|
|
Post by littlemisscheerful on Nov 30, 2014 17:44:27 GMT
Agree entirely with jollymummy. We also do lots of pressies, but like Serrakunda, there are lots of practical gifts, - fluffy socks, pjs, bath stuff etc.
|
|
|
|
Post by mooster on Dec 1, 2014 19:12:20 GMT
I have been following this thread with huge interests as we seem to have the opposite problem last year. At the time we were in the early throws of rebuilding our relationship with AD (section 20). FC's decided to go away and spend Christmas in a hotel somewhere with their family - not at all what our AD would want from a Christmas or what we wanted for her and despite our difficulties it did work positively for us.
AD turned up to stay at ours for Christmas with huge boxes of presents from FC and their extended family. This meant she had double the amount to open on Christmas Day which I found quite uncomfortable. I was worried for AS but he didn't seem too bothered so I think it was more my problem. AD didn't bring them downstairs but her bedroom was just one big gift factory and she had no idea who gave her what!
This year I have had much better communication with new FC, if it goes to plan AD should be opening at their house on Christmas Eve and then coming home for a few days so we can do Christmas at home.
SW did suggest at one point we might like to pool our resources and do a joint present with the FC!! That got a pretty short answer.
Hopefully the trying to keep the present giving separate will work better for everyone especially me!
Hope you find a good solution.
|
|
|
|
Post by corkwing on Dec 2, 2014 8:16:20 GMT
Well, we (Kermit and I plus a couple of relatives) have bought him a second hand phone. He chose it on a well known auction site (other sites are available). Had to sit there where the car home manager embarrassed him by treating him like a child. "Are you going to tell your mum and dad what we talked about the other day?" Basically that they'd decided that he wasn't going to be allowed to sell or swap it a couple of weeks later, like he normally does. None of her flippin' business!!!!!
|
|
|
|
Post by peartree on Dec 3, 2014 23:09:03 GMT
Hmmm tricky
We've tried different things with blossom over the years
The tc really werent keen on her getting too much so we took her out for dinner and did it over a couple of visits
Never big things but new dress, riding jodhpurs etc
Now we've got a routine where her unit buy her stuff
Last yr they got her an MP3
She has a stocking mix of our stuff and theirs with them
Then family gifts with my family
Lots of breaks games and more breaks and then she's had enough and we take her back to her unit where she is now much better at choosing one or two things to show the other unit people.
We do like to give her lots of littler things- she wrecks things and won't look after it and in next to no time it will be gone. SHe also gets a big lot of cash each week from ss to spend
So has no real concept of value
So we get her things we won't get to hurt by when she trashes them
That give her pleasure and make her smile. So my sisters got her a singing Olaf
She will laugh and enjoy that
We've gone for some simple Disney keyboard book and a nice pair of jeans & top
We haven't been asked this yr at the unit what we're getting blossom
Maybe they trust us to not buy inappropriate huge things now
Could young mackerel have been building his part up with the home about the sheer Aladdins cave proportions he will absolutely get from you and Kermit ie boasting ?
It's very unnatural
but you'll work a way through it
|
|
