This thread has kept me sane. Sometimes I can do it but am human and in the big bad world outside people won't put up with it. Friends will disappear or as they get older the law takes over. Yes, we love unconditionally but there are consequences and boundaries. The bathroom floor will be cleaned in her free time tomorrow! Not to do so leaves her and her sister confused and equally insecure.
Yes- absolutely I read somewhere that giving children nurture just 30% of the time counts as good enough parenting The child will do ok The parent will do ok So If you think that we are doing parenting plus Which is MASSIVE
I think that if you can manage to be mindful that they are traumatised young ones and act using that principle just 30% of the time.... That maybe equates ?
Further. There's the concept of how much permission you are given by your child to be their parent - what you've done within those limitations. I have very limited permission for blossom So I think, overall we did a strong job of parenting her and tried ever so hard with the therapeuticy but once we learned sticker charting the child to death was likely to kill us and leave blossom untouched For partridge Hmm Think his permission threshold was 0 then maybe 50% then back to 0 and now- hmmm at 19 I asked him permission to be his mum. He's said he's decided to give me some I can run with 'some'
Even Mr pt has begun taking on the therapeutic reparenting, eg partridge needed to have clean shoes He showed him how to clean and shine them He found the rhythm of it really soothing, Then I popped a candle on and without any prompt he gave me a hug It was LOVELY And Mr pt said 'wow- that's because he's regulated' All that bruce Perry stuff
Change of mindset It does seep into evey bit of you...
Mum to AS (19) who is home, AD ( 17) who isn't and BD (7). Lucked in when married my best friend and became a mummy. Partial to a cuddle and a cuppa tea....
One problem that I have with therapeutic is that , having two kids, there are tiimes when I can't win.if I deal with ds2 using PACE for example( which often works well with him), then ds1 gets angry at me for not giving consequences. So instead of a brief non stressful issue, I get the anger from ds1 , who thinks I am an inadequate parent, like his birth mum, because ds2 didn't get punished, followed by ds2 getting angry at ds1 ( and violent) because ds1 wants ds2 to be punished.however if I give consequences then super sensitive ds2 is confirmed in his poor opinion of himself as a bad boy who doesn't deserve to be loved. ( he doesn't believe me on this one) Recently I have done less therapeutic and more home truths !! To both kids. It doesn't improve behaviour of either kid but it does at least get me through the day as I am being myself, taking after my dads side of the family by calling a spade a spade !
I think if there is one thing that makes this is all workable is that I have managed to get Simba to really understand that I love him no matter what, and he can love me but that sometimes its behaviour, his and mine, that we can both say we don't like.
So we can bicker away about small stuff - which we do constantly, have big screaming matches, thankfully not as big or as frequent as they have been, but bottom line is that he knows we are always going to kiss and make up before he goes to sleep. That deeper understanding is important for us. Gets us both over the non theraputic episodes without lasting damage to our relationship.
Mum to the 'hansom' Simba, age 19 and 40 now retired teddy bears and FC to Special K, age 12
I so often feel rubbish because I've blown it and 'failed' to use the right therapeutic parenting techniques. I feel so responsible for Monkey Boy's meltdowns. "If only I'd said x, and kept my expression neutral/ jolly and my body language friendly, while lounging against the wall/ lying on the floor (seriously!), then maybe he wouldn't have lost it and thrown things at me/ punched me. I must read x book. Maybe that will give me some new tools I can use." Arrrgggh.
Actually, I think I do pretty well a lot of the time. Less so when I'm tired. Or when the utter relentlessness is getting to me.
Like runmum, I feel it's my job to be a therapeutic parent. But I'm also working hard to find appropriate tools THAT WORK because conventional parenting and winging it so patently don't!
I parent all three of mine differently according to their needs, understanding and tolerance levels.
Atm I parent my eldest - 13 - as I imagine I'd parent any teen, birth or adopted. We argue a lot, we shout at each other a fair amount, he swears at me and do you know, sometimes I swear right back at him! He can take it. I love him but I don't always like him. Sure he feels the same. He thinks im a nag. And I do nag him to to his homework, clean his teeth, use shower gel etc. That's life and he's reasonably robust.
With dd - 9 - well, therapeutic really doesn't work with her. She's asd and she needs firm boundaries, close supervision and no nonsense parenting. School and I work closely together and we're both equally firm and direct with her. Any inappropriate behaviour - she has quite a lot of quirks - are nipped in the bud straight away. Any rudeness, answering back, back chat is dealt with firmly but fairly.
Then we had middle DS! Who's quite frankly bonkers. We've had terrible, terrible times with him in the past. Violence, swearing, spitting, running away ... pretty much everything. It wasn't always easy to be calm with him, particularly when you're being spat at but it helped knowing where this was coming from. He had the most difficult pre placement experiences of my three and understanding that and knowing that his stuff was coming from a place of fear helped me to deal with it. He needs calm, quiet, a gentleness that my other don't need quite as much. Now, at 10, he's far more resilient and can cope with being disciplined without falling apart or retaliating. When his pedantry is in full flow I understand why - anxiety usually - but can and will tell him to stop! Now he can cope with a bit of banter, he can cope with being admonished and being told when he's wrong. I can still be therapeutic when required to be but, equally, when he's being a pain through naughtiness, rather than fear/anxiety etc, then I will tell him off.
Sometimes he needs therapeutic parenting, other times bog standard parenting will do just fine. The difficulty sometimes is identifying where the behaviour is coming from. Sometimes he's anxious, scared etc - other times he's just a little git!!
Mum to three easy to place babies! DS, Bigly (13), DS, Middly (10) and DD, Littly (8) with a range of diagnoses!