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Post by peartree on Nov 2, 2014 16:05:13 GMT
I'm sorry but I need help please
Our son partridge
Who seems very charming and trouble free often
Is with hideous gf
Who is literally paranoid
She constantly texts him and I'm sorry to say made awful threats against us here.
Worse
He's promised the earth
Marriage
Babies
Etc
He's got no idea at allow much all this costs or what a car crash it's all likely to be
And despite several sit ins and working several things through
She manipulates him completely
It's so damaging
We've had to ask him the question how is it going to work
When he can't be at family things
When married to her
And he thinks this will be fine
We just don't have to see her
He's just completely blind
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Post by poohbear on Nov 2, 2014 17:17:48 GMT
I have no experience or advice to offer but wanted to send hugs and prayers xx
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Post by lemonade on Nov 2, 2014 17:22:22 GMT
So sorry to hear peartree, didn't want to read and run, but don't have much helpful advice tho 
It's sooooo hard to stand by and watch them making these relationships, when we can see all the danger signs. Bubbles who is in a women's refuge atm has just finished doing a course on relationships which has helped open her eyes to manipulating/controlling people. She says now when she makes friends/relationships she uses her checklist of good / not good qualities that helps her decide who is someone to be in a relationship with. Her last bf didn't want her to have anything to do with us, said all we did was make her cry and treat her like ****  Sadly all we could do was to wait it out and try and pick up the pieces, she was warned by us, her sister, and even ss but she wouldn't listen. I guess some just have to learn the hard way.
Sending hugs and strength
Love L xxx |
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Post by peartree on Nov 2, 2014 17:36:20 GMT
It's just turned out that on speaking with my dad my son has gone for you're throwing me out and I'm off anyway! Drama scenario....
It's all complete cobblers.
And after all these years of tlc and more besides he still thinks all this??
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Post by lilyofthevalley on Nov 2, 2014 18:44:26 GMT
Oh Peartree!
It is so difficult! Unfortunately many of our sons and daughters have great vulnerabilities and they often gravitate towards those who also have significant problems. The teenage years are often problematic even for those teenagers who otherwise are emotionally secure. And, they will often persist with relationships that are potentially worrying. I do think that they can mature in their 20s. The thing is to get through till then without too much collateral damage. If at all possible try to stop them having children during these years. They are not capable of coping often and the consequences can be dire. (My AS as you know has four children in long term care as he and his wife were unable to care for them). I think the best hope for Partridge may be to meet other people and hope that he may find a more suitable new girlfriend.
Lily xx
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Post by shadow on Nov 2, 2014 19:15:39 GMT
have the police been informed of the threats? if Partrage keeps up with the awful GF and tells the family you want him to end it there could be more risk to you all
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Post by peartree on Nov 2, 2014 23:26:16 GMT
Well we are all under the one roof for now
He's not stalked off
And the gf and her dodgy family are still doing what they do- thankfully some distance from here.
Somehow partridge has made me the baddy in all this
I'm trying so hard not to be the 'enemy' and trying not to give him too much to kick against
My dad thinks young lads dream lots of things and we can only hope & pray that those things come to a natural close.
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Post by twoplustwo on Nov 3, 2014 21:55:00 GMT
So difficult.
Advice - difficult to give. I have a suggestion borrowed from an Agatha Christie story (no not murder!)
In the story the grandparents were horrified to discover that their beloved granddaughter was involved with a decidedly dodgy bloke. The grandfather made it plain to the GD that the man was not welcome and toild GD exactly what he thought of the man. The grandmother adopted a different approach. She based her views on two principles:
1. Star--crossed love is always more desirable to the young.
2. You have to get behind someone before you stab them in the back! (Line from 'yes minister')
What the GM did was to openly support her GD's right to chose to date who she wanted. She was friendly towards the unsuitable suitor and defended him in front of the GF. But in such a way that his faults were highlighted. EG she'd say to her husband who had just criticised the man's beard, 'well of course he has to have a beard darling only men with really strong jawlines can get away with being clean shaven'. Implying that the man had a weak chin (which he did).
She invited the young man round and was friendly towards him. Once the opposition stopped the romance sort of died a natural death.
I'm not sure how far down the star crossed lovers route Partridge and the PA are but maybe if you appear to go along with it and appear happy to let him make his own choice the PA will seem less alluring? Also you'll deprive the PA of the chance to dramatise herself in an 'everyone's against me' way? Also by defending her faults you'll draw attention to them but maybe Partridge won't feel the need to defend her because you are doing that?
Only an idea and it might be rubbish but you sound pretty desperate so I thought I'd suggest it.
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enid
Bronze Member
Single Adopter
Posts: 75 
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Post by enid on Nov 3, 2014 22:49:26 GMT
had this also when son 19, he is now nearly 26, was an absolute nightmare and you can only be there and let it run its course, his then gf had complete power over him and also made many threats against us, eventualy he saw the light. so just keep on keeping on really is all you can do at 19. sending hugs and support xx
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Post by peartree on Nov 3, 2014 23:01:04 GMT
Trouble is we were very kind warm and supportive
She stayed
We've been out
Over 9 mths, took her on Hols
She's not ideal we thought but could be worse
Then the poop majorly hit the fan.
Turns out partridge totally mislead gf and her family
Said terrible awful things about me & family
This lead to real credible threats against us
Won't go into detail but included threats to our bc
So having had the most awful failure at 'killing it off with kindness" he's still with pa and the damaging stuff continues as her paranoid controlling behaviour is ever present
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enid
Bronze Member
Single Adopter
Posts: 75
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Post by enid on Nov 4, 2014 21:03:02 GMT
strange, as my son also them terrible things about me, I and as I work in childcare was very worrying, nothing came of it in the end, but the threat was there and can remember the worry. xxx
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Post by twoplustwo on Nov 6, 2014 23:22:05 GMT
I hadn't realised it was the same g/f that went on hols with you. Not a lot you can do really, sounds like you've tried most strategies already. Just hope it runs its course sooner rather than later . Sending cyber hugs.
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Post by peartree on Nov 7, 2014 0:15:18 GMT
I do appreciate the support here as ever
Partridge is being lovely currently
He's very tired suddenly doing all his training for his new job and today learned all about tills
He wants to see the paranoid android
But
And in important but
He checked with me first as we have family thanksgiving on Sunday he didn't want to miss that and is off to see the paranoid android after that.
I've taken on the 'running its course' message hoping when he starts his new job, he's got lots of community involvement that's positive here that he could make use off and 'move on'
The 'kill it off with kindness' bit has morphed into 'trying not to give him too much to kick against' and being as non judgemental whilest at the same time keeping our personal safety and integrity clearly in focus (not easy!)
Thank you again
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Sadly all we could do was to wait it out and try and pick up the pieces, she was warned by us, her sister, and even ss but she wouldn't listen. I guess some just have to learn the hard way.
