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Post by corkwing on Oct 21, 2014 15:01:05 GMT
We currently have fortnightly contact with Mackerel. A while ago he was regularly "failing to remember" that it was on when we went to pick him up and saying that he didn't want it that frequently. He's now asking for more contact, making things for his siblings and wanting to give them stuff and has asked if we could increase it to weekly. He even made something for them and then - wow, this was a biggy! - said, "I didn't think. It might not have been a good idea for them to have those things. I should have asked you first".
It's always difficult to judge. Does him asking for more contact just mean that he wants McDonalds every week instead of every two weeks? Has he got bored of his "friends", or they of him, and trying to think of a way to fill in the time? It's always possible, of course, but it doesn't quite feel like that to us. It does feel that there is at least a small part of him that genuinely wants to connect.
It's mainly Kermit that he wants to connect with. That's fine. Doing just one attachment is hugely impressive considering the mess he was in when he came to us and what's happened since. Un-British though it may be to say it, but that shows what an incredible job we've done. Hope that inspires others to say the same about their own amazing efforts!
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Post by mooster on Oct 21, 2014 15:32:15 GMT
Corkwing - how lovely to read this, tiny little steps but steps all the same - from our experience be prepared for the odd blip but also enjoy the progress made. Trust your instincts, you know him best so are in the best position to recognise if it feels different and more genuine.
When our funny little family fell apart I was truly amazed that our AD wanted to connect with us at all - I thought she hated the ground I walked on after all that went on but there seems to be something there and it is not always about convenience or what she can get. Sometimes I think we did too good a job and didn't ask for the help we really needed until crisis hit us and then it was too late - not that the right help would have been there!!
We are still hanging in there though often in perpetual bewilderment as we try and find a way through the trail of chaos which is so vastly different from our own childhoods. The places she has taken us have been well out of our sphere of comfort!
DH often reminds me of our original hopes for our children - to grow up to be happy, independent adults and even if our AD could not take the things we wanted to give her while she was growing up she is working towards our original hopes for her!
Pats on the back all round then!
Mooster xxx
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Post by larsti on Oct 21, 2014 15:37:40 GMT
Oh yes...you and Kermit HAVE done an incredible job Corkwing.
I sometimes think if we could have cloned our children and have one grow up with BF (God forbid) and one grow up in care, and a third one live with us, we would see what a difference we have made to their lives it would be amazing to see.
BTW I am not knocking FCs. I hate that term 'languishing in care' and Dash's FCs are doing an amazing job with their long term fostered children. BUT we know adoption gives the best outcomes for children don't we?
So you go ahead and be as un British as you like :-)
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Post by larsti on Oct 21, 2014 15:38:56 GMT
I like the idea of cloning. I often think if my DH could be cloned, one could go out to work and the other stay at home with me...I would have the real one of course  |
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Post by serrakunda on Oct 21, 2014 16:04:33 GMT
Ditto
Be as un british as you like, you and kermit have done a great job
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Post by jollymummy on Oct 21, 2014 17:06:41 GMT
Well done, Corkwing. As you say, you can never be sure of their motives. But even if they are purely selfish, then make the most of his desire for increased contact. Also great to hear that he is considering others, now. There is likely to be a few blips along the way, but it all sounds positive.
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Post by poohbear on Oct 21, 2014 17:51:23 GMT
Lovely to read!
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Post by daffin on Oct 21, 2014 21:30:38 GMT
Well done you.
Lovely to hear - and so encouraging to hear that Mackerel knew he should have checked something with you, that you're in charge....
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Post by corkwing on Oct 22, 2014 7:34:15 GMT
Another topsy-turvy thing in the word of adoption... he rang up last night to ask if he could have contact. When Kermit told him it wasn't possible he told her to F-off and put the phone down.
Isn't that great! (Really - it is!)
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Post by knight on Oct 22, 2014 19:17:00 GMT
Oh, it's the default position isn't it to being told 'no/not yet'; but still, a tiny stepping stone of insight from him earlier, something to hold onto and yes, you've both done amazing x
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2014 5:46:51 GMT
Sounds like living away is giving Mackerel enough space to reflect on what he's left behind. Small steps, but sometimes space is needed for this to happen and for him to have a think about what being part of a family means.
My EDD spent 10 months in a fairly chaotic childrens home, refusing to have contact with me, barely speaking by phone and often hanging up mid conversation when her demands were not being met and I was beginning to despair that I'd lost her and would never have a realtionship with her again.
She was finally moved, at her request (after 8 months of pleading) to a wonderful foster placement (allbeit 2.5 hrs away) and the difference in her after only 4 weeks is amazing. She seems to have matured overnight and is so much calmer thanks to the positive influence of her experienced FC and the lovely family atmosphere she is living in. FC is very experienced and takes none of her nonsense, firm but fair and consistant, which is exactly what DD needs.
When I went for her PEP recently, FC gave me a letter DD had written for me and when I got home and read it, I cried for hours afterwards, tears of hope. Her letter, (which she had written of her own free will), showed how she was in a much better place, how she was able to reflect on all that had happened in the lead up to her going into to care. She was able to apologise for what she had done and recognise that her behaviours had been unreasonable and she said how much she appreciated and loved myself and her Dad. She also wrote about how much she missed her sister and talked about how she wanted to repair our relationship and how she knew that was going to take time and said "I'm coming home some day", so you can imagine how much I was blubbing.
I spoke to the FC the next day and she told me she had had nothing to do with the letter writing, that bit was entirely DD's idea and that FC had not seen what she'd written, but I thanked FC, because I know it is her calm influence and positive reinforcement that her family love her and want her back home that is really helping DD to reflect and think about things and it has given me so much hope that we can once again be a family after nearly a year of despair that I'd lost her. A good placement can make soooooo much difference to our children to get them into a good place to be able to think logically which is why I agreed to her going so far away even though it meant leaving her school and us behind. We are having our first contact over half term and are hoping to have regular contact over the next few weeks as DD has asked if she can come and stay for a few days Christmas.
Sorry the above was about me, but I just to give you hope that Mackerel is turning a corner, that he is realising what his family is about, what he is missing, and hopefully you can rebuild a new relationship with him where he has matured enough to value what he has lost. The fact that he acknowledged that he "should have asked you first", is huge progress and wanting more contact has surely got to be a good sign, as long as it suits you and Kermit and you stay in charge of it and don't allow him to dictate how often and how long etc. Well done you and Kermit, your influence will have seeped into his sub conscious.
Looking forward to hearing more positive posts about Mackerel. x
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Post by corkwing on Oct 23, 2014 6:30:42 GMT
Oh, jmk!!!!!!!!! Bet you needed a bulk delivery of tissues! That really is beautiful. Attachment Deleted |
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Post by serrakunda on Oct 23, 2014 7:14:58 GMT
What a breakthrough JMK
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