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Post by mooster on Oct 15, 2014 18:00:05 GMT
Conversation with very old friend who actually was one of our references when we started this mad adoption thing and who has been there through lots of our ups and many downs:
Friend: Your AD is nearly 18, will she go looking for her parents, do you know where they live?
Me: Yes I know where they live, it is in (name of our town)
Friend: Really!! Oh my Goodness!
Moments of silence as I try to see whether anything sinks in – nothing so….
Me: Yes, they live in (name of our road)
Friend: Really, where’s that?
Me: Well they live at number (number of our house)
Friend: Oh!
Me: And they are called my name/DH’s name!
Friend: What.......? Oh, I am so sorry.
It was quite funny and I know it was just a wrong choice of words but sometimes I can be a bit sensitive on what my role as a parent has been and what it will be in the future. This adoptive parenting lark has been so backward at times that I don’t know what I have been to my children apart from the most patient, biggest punch bag they will ever know!
Perhaps I will just put it down to the body fat busting DVD we had just struggled through. My friend has an adopted niece, I wonder if she feels like a real aunt?
For all those real parents out there - you are doing a great job!!
Mooster x
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Post by bop on Oct 15, 2014 19:06:50 GMT
Had a related similar conversation with DD2 last night...
After a nightmare about her birth father, she told me that it was OK as me and DH were her parents, not him and her birth mum. Then she went on to say she found it hard when friends called her birth parents her "real" parents - we chatted and laughed about the fact that I'm the real one - I'm not pretend or fake!
Us real parents are doing well.....
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2014 19:11:52 GMT
Spoken like a real mum Mooster! I soooo hate the words "real parents" or "natural parents" as it makes it sound like adoption is un natural. I also hate the term "adoptive parents" and as an adoptee I never called my parents my adoptive parents, they were my mum and dad end of. I have two sets of parents - the ones who created me and gave birth to me (ie, my birth parents) and the ones who took me into their hearts and home when I was 3 weeks old, who were there for me through my life, who brought me up to be the person I am today (blame them!  ). Having said that my YDD constantly refers to her "real family" in order to hurt me, and she even says that my brother (also adopted) is not my "real brother" as we are not genetically related. Maybe blood is thicker than water in her eyes, but not in mine. And they wonder why we adopters are sometimes a little sensitive |
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Post by peartree on Oct 16, 2014 8:49:08 GMT
Very well done.
I attended a course recently and expressed how second rate society seems to think adoptive children and parents are.
They looked at me like I was bonkers
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Post by donatella on Oct 16, 2014 13:01:57 GMT
A sw who did an assessment of need referred to dd as ds2s real sister. Apart from the fact that she is not his birth sibling .... what does that make me?! I put in a formal complaint which was upheld!
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Post by shadow on Oct 16, 2014 13:10:13 GMT
I gave up when our SW at the time calles birth mum shadettes real mum - then I realised I would never be seen as her mum by them - but I am most of the time by shadette and that's all that really matters
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Post by daffin on Oct 16, 2014 19:14:23 GMT
Humph!
Real parents.
Yes. I get that sometimes. I'm afraid it sends me speechless! I think of clever things to say afterwards.
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Post by shadow on Oct 16, 2014 19:45:27 GMT
it now doesnt bother me I sem to be what my DD needs whoever/whatever I am
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Post by doubletrouble on Oct 17, 2014 7:42:20 GMT
We've always used the words 'Old mummy' to describe BM and it seems to have stuck. So we haven't have real or birth mummy thrown back at us - yet!
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Post by pingu on Oct 17, 2014 12:50:52 GMT
Our ds2 has referred to his " old mummy" ( wasn't our idea!!) on occasion, as he clearly views that as the situation in the past, I am his mummy now, as far as he is concerned. Indeed the fact that he so definately views me as his mummy occasionally causes confusion when there is reference to past background issues, we have to make sure the message gets across that profs are referring to his birth family situation, not us !!!
Has only once accused us of " insulting his birth mum" but never " his real mum" cause that's me. I once joked
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Post by pingu on Oct 17, 2014 12:52:25 GMT
... about how I was definately real ( pinched myself and went ouch" I think they got the point.....
The mother of one of my ds1's siblings told her son that she was most definately his real mum and she had the paperwork to prove it !
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Post by topcat on Oct 17, 2014 13:56:59 GMT
First time I got a reference to my "real mum" from DD I stuttered a moment, agreed she had come out of BM's tummy then asked with curiosity what I was...you are "forever mummy" said DS in a shot - I can live with that!
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Post by larsti on Oct 17, 2014 16:13:08 GMT
Well done mooster! I like that!
Dash had a bereavement recently and I told several people who needed to know in case he mentioned it. It might have sounded like a made up story and they needed to deal with it sensitively.
Anyway one of my friends does some one to one with him and she is brilliant with him (even although she doesn't really get adoption or home ed!!!) Anyway I picked him up one lunchtime and she had a discreet word with me. Something had reminded him of his news. She told me that he said 'My real Mum has died'
I know for a fact that he would not have used those words. He usually says 'other Mum' which actually I started because he did have 2 mums. So I am interested that jmk says she has 2 sets of parents, because that's how I feel about Dash. I hate the idea, personally of using BM's Christian name, although recently I had started saying sometimes 'your other Mum X' just to use her name a bit. Sometimes I might even say 'your mum' but that's because there is no confusion about who I mean. DH doesn't like it when I say that! But there is a sense in which she will ALWAYS be his mum. Real Mum? NO!
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Post by larsti on Oct 17, 2014 16:19:11 GMT
I do wonder as well whether the advice we are given to use Christian name doesn't do the child any favours. Surely its part of the child's identity that they had/have another family somewhere who haven't (IMHO) ceased to be their family. I always have a problem when prospective adopters talk about 'my child' when they haven't even met the child. Yes there is a process of claiming but I really think we can be too touchy about it, 'they are OUR children and no one elses'.
I heard a speaker say once that she had had a discussion with her teenaged AS about whether she was a hologram (ie not his real mum, according to him!) bit of humour and cleverness goes a long way. I love Moosters response!
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Post by serrakunda on Oct 17, 2014 16:29:00 GMT
To be honest it doesn't really bother me. Simba refers to BM as his first mum and me as his best mum. But because he was nearly 8 when he came to me, i can't ignore the life they they had together. The fact is he has two mums. I know Simba loves me, I know where he wants to be, that's enough for me.
The only time I get annoyed is if they refer to me foster mother, which I have had several times.
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Post by milly on Oct 18, 2014 6:57:00 GMT
"Young mummy" I wish! I could just about be dd1's bm's mum age wise and dd2's as well if I had been a precocious teenager!!
Interesting Larsti - never thought of that aspect of using first names (as we do) for bms. But to me the lines have blurred a lot between using first names and "titles". Although my girls call me mum / mummy, dd1 has always also used my first name and it doesn't bother me (think because for years she was the only child, hearing DH call me by name). She has recently taken to using it a lot in public when she thinks I may not respond otherwise (or perhaps after a series of inadvertantly ignored "mum"s!).
As for "real mum" - both mine have said this several times over the years. I just joke and say that I feel real enough etc. However I would correct anyone else who said it, it's true.
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Post by homebird on Oct 18, 2014 8:15:37 GMT
When my daughter was little a neighbour often asked if she saw much of her mum to which I replied yes, all the time (because I am her mum) Another neighbour can't manage to call her my daughter but "your umm, yes umm". She has grown up with her life story book where birth mum is referred to as "tummy mummy" in the first few pages and then by Christian name which is how we talk about her. She is my husbands sister and thats what we have always called her as we can;t call her aunty and don't want to call her birth mum. We have had to be upfront about her because our daughter has contact with older siblings, one of whom lives with birth mum.
Her older adopted sibling called birth mum her "old mum" and adopted mum her "new mum" when she was going through the adoption process at 5 years old. I don't know how she refers to her now because we don't have close contact but I have been told that her family will not discuss the old mum/family which has caused a great deal of upset and confusion for her. This was revealed when she made facebook contact with her oldest non adopted sister.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2014 11:40:36 GMT
Think that's the problem with using the word mum all the time. Really you should only have one mum, (unless you are the child of a same sex couple) the one that brings you up. Mum is an affectionate term for the person who is bringing you up. Mother is more formal, which is why I like the term birth mother. It is respectful, it is acknowledging the woman who gave birth to you as being your mother, (after all if it wasn't for her your child would not be with you, no matter how bad your childs start in life was, she still is the reason your child is here). I personally never used the term "Tummy Mummy" simply because IMO, the word mummy is too personal and nice and cuddly and I think that "Mummy" and "Mum" should be reserved for the person who is bringing you up, the one who cooks for you and cares for you and does everything for you. Which is why I said in my previous post I only have one Mum, the lady who brought me up. Too many mums is confusing IMO, so i either used the term "your BM" or "her christian name" when speaking to my DD's about her. I'm with Serrakunda though, I took Major Offence when a health care professional dared to call me DD's foster mum!  She only made that mistake once, and she should have known better!!!!!! |
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Post by larsti on Oct 18, 2014 20:06:03 GMT
In some ways its been easier for us because Dash was old enough when removed to remember his BM.
Its interesting what you say jmk about Mum/mummy being more cuddly than mother. That is true.
Sometimes Dash has called me 'mother' which one friend heard him say and she thought it was very Enid Blyton! He has also called me by my Christian name at times. Violet sometimes calls me 'mother' and then I say 'Yes Daughter' :-) So maybe that's where he got it from.
I would be furious if I was called a foster carer.
Then as I have mentioned before I have been taken for Dash's granny. Though not that often. Don't want to divulge too much info about his BF but I am not old enough to have been his BM's mother but I am young enough to have given birth to him, so that helps me a bit when I feel 'old'!
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