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Post by homebird on Sept 30, 2014 11:56:48 GMT
So, birth mum is my sister in law but I haven't spoken to her in years due to her shunning me when she found out that I had letterbox contact with her other adopted children which she didn't. We have always talked about the children openly especially now they have had a few face to face contacts. Our daughter acknowledges them as her brothers and sisters alongside our birth children but has never talked about birth mum. A couple of nights ago, when she came back from her am dram rehearsal, she unexpectedly asked me what birth mum was like and why didn't my husband go to her house any more (he visited regularly when his mum was staying there for a weekend). It was late at night and I was tired so I gave a one sentence answer - she's not a bad person but had been nasty to her dad (my husband). The next day I felt that I had let a good opportunity go so I lifted a recent photo of birth mum from facebook and when our daughter got home from school I broached the subject again and showed the photo. We talked about a few key dates in b.mums life and got out the life story book. And that was it - very low key but I feel relieved that we've managed to start that conversation and hopefully I have reassured her that we can talk any time. I thought I might feel jealous but I dont. I love my daughter and have a strong relationship with her - after our talk she kept hugging me and telling me she loved me. I think it will be a while before she wants to meet birth mum but I feel I am ready to cope with that.  , |
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Post by caledonia on Sept 30, 2014 12:11:22 GMT
hi
you have made a great start with the conversation and it sounds like you handled it really well if your daughter's response is anything to go by.
My DD (12) always tells me how much she loves me and gives me lots of cuddles and kisses after we have talked about BM. I think that this reassures her that we are mum and daughter and that I love her and that in some way she is reassuring me about her love for me too. I did wonder how jealous I would feel when we were talking about BM and BD but like you I know she and her brother are my children and I am their mother. Being open about it with them, and not criticising the birth parents, only their behaviours and the reasons behind them (poor parenting themselves) just strengthens our bonds.
she will no doubt think though what you have spoken about and come back for more when she is ready.
Cale
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Post by peartree on Sept 30, 2014 20:38:31 GMT
Sounds very positive.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2014 4:15:35 GMT
Well done Homebird, think you handled it brilliantly. It is natural that DD will want to ask questions about her BM as she gets older and just knowing that you are open to talking about her will really help your DD.
I think sometimes adoptive mums take it personally when their children ask about their BP's, but if you think about it, it is most natural to want to know about the people who made you, gave birth to you, and it is not a reflection on you as a parent, or whether your DD loves you or not, it is just normal teenage curiosity as she tries to figure out who she is, where she came from, who she looks like etc. As long as the lines of communication are open and she knows you are willing to talk, she is less likely to go behind your back and try and make contact on her own. Honesty is always the best policy in adoption as secrets and lies always hurt and cause problems further down the line on both sides.
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Post by moo on Oct 1, 2014 4:29:14 GMT
WoW well handled.... Perfect response xx
You must be so proud of your dd she seems to have 'got it ' all totally in perspective.... Your gut served you well telling you that this was the exact time to talk things out xxxx
xx. moo. Xx
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Post by homebird on Oct 1, 2014 7:53:38 GMT
I am very proud of my daughter as she copes so well with the complex nature of her contact with birth siblings. She has always had direct contact with the older ones and letterbox contact with the others and at times has asked why she couldn't have direct contact with all of them. I feel that because we have always talked about them as being part of our family despite being adopted by strangers (meaning as not part of birth family as in her case) she has grown up knowing who they are (she has never lived with them as they'd all been removed from birth parents prior to her birth) She has also had the advantage of being fully involved with the same relatives as she would have done if she'd stayed with birth mum.
I agree that I think she was trying to reassure me that by talking about birth mum she didn't love me any less and I do hope that she won't do the facebook contact behind my back or actually go to birth mums house where her older brother is living without me to hold her hand.
Relieved that we talked so calmly about it!
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