Post by caledonia on Sept 29, 2014 12:53:37 GMT
Dear all
Having had a few days to calm down , I am now able to write and ask you lovely people for some advice.
DS (13) has a thing for only hanging about with boys at school who are 'cool'. 'Cool' means, being popular, causing disruption in school (as well as having been expelled, suspended or having a criminal record) from what I can gather. DS wants to be cool so that he is liked. His low self esteem means that he judges himself by what he perceives people think of him and who his friends are so if he is in the cool group, he too must be cool. He won't bring any of his 'cool' friends home with him as he knows I won't approve of them and until recently he would not meet up with them out of school in case they led him astray.
After summer he seemed to have moved over to a nicer group of two other boys. D & G - who are not 'cool' but who are also not 'dorks' apparently! He was less pre-occupied with the 'cool' kids and seemed to have settled down in class too.
Last week he actually asked if he could go into town with friends after school and meet me there. I was pleased as he never wants to spend time with his friends out of school (he has a few nice friends from primary school who he still sees but only if I make arrangements with their mums for get-togethers) and I assumed it was D and G he was meaning. About 45 minutes after his text I got a message on my mobile phone to sat that he had been caught shop lifting in a local store but because it was his first time no further action was being taken. It turns out he had been with the 'cool' kids who had pressured him into stealing (I am not sure how much pressure he would have needed to be honest) and they had run off when he was caught. He texted me to let me know too. He was really disappointed in himself and felt really let down by his friends and is not having anything to do with them now. We had a long talk about it and the meaning of friendship and not stealing and it all seemed to go in but he struggles with the peer pressure and wanting to be popular and cool.
He does have self esteem problems and when he is really low he will say he hates everything about himself and wishes he was different but when I try to get him specific all he will say is that he wishes he was not adopted and had been born into our family. He is now saying he is going to turn out like his birth father and end up in jail.
I have spent the last 6 years trying to boost his confidence but I feel I am not getting anywhere. I have tried a range of ways to help him based on a number of books by our favourite adoption and other gurus but nothing seems to work. I know that hormones are coming into play now and his reducing mobility (as yet undiagnosed) is not helping him feel good about himself but I really want to help him. I have seen CAMHS and they say they will not see him as there is nothing much wrong with him compared to other children in the area and he would not be considered for support.
Can anybody give me some advice please so that I can let DS see what a wonderful boy he is under all that self doubt?
Thanks in advance
Cale
X
Having had a few days to calm down , I am now able to write and ask you lovely people for some advice.
DS (13) has a thing for only hanging about with boys at school who are 'cool'. 'Cool' means, being popular, causing disruption in school (as well as having been expelled, suspended or having a criminal record) from what I can gather. DS wants to be cool so that he is liked. His low self esteem means that he judges himself by what he perceives people think of him and who his friends are so if he is in the cool group, he too must be cool. He won't bring any of his 'cool' friends home with him as he knows I won't approve of them and until recently he would not meet up with them out of school in case they led him astray.
After summer he seemed to have moved over to a nicer group of two other boys. D & G - who are not 'cool' but who are also not 'dorks' apparently! He was less pre-occupied with the 'cool' kids and seemed to have settled down in class too.
Last week he actually asked if he could go into town with friends after school and meet me there. I was pleased as he never wants to spend time with his friends out of school (he has a few nice friends from primary school who he still sees but only if I make arrangements with their mums for get-togethers) and I assumed it was D and G he was meaning. About 45 minutes after his text I got a message on my mobile phone to sat that he had been caught shop lifting in a local store but because it was his first time no further action was being taken. It turns out he had been with the 'cool' kids who had pressured him into stealing (I am not sure how much pressure he would have needed to be honest) and they had run off when he was caught. He texted me to let me know too. He was really disappointed in himself and felt really let down by his friends and is not having anything to do with them now. We had a long talk about it and the meaning of friendship and not stealing and it all seemed to go in but he struggles with the peer pressure and wanting to be popular and cool.
He does have self esteem problems and when he is really low he will say he hates everything about himself and wishes he was different but when I try to get him specific all he will say is that he wishes he was not adopted and had been born into our family. He is now saying he is going to turn out like his birth father and end up in jail.
I have spent the last 6 years trying to boost his confidence but I feel I am not getting anywhere. I have tried a range of ways to help him based on a number of books by our favourite adoption and other gurus but nothing seems to work. I know that hormones are coming into play now and his reducing mobility (as yet undiagnosed) is not helping him feel good about himself but I really want to help him. I have seen CAMHS and they say they will not see him as there is nothing much wrong with him compared to other children in the area and he would not be considered for support.
Can anybody give me some advice please so that I can let DS see what a wonderful boy he is under all that self doubt?
Thanks in advance
Cale
X