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Post by aprilshowers on Sept 27, 2014 10:32:30 GMT
Well i suppose I should have been expecting this but NO and it hurts and I am angry and I am annoyed that again I have to dig out records to prove I am not lying....I DONT LIE.
Littly has moved into a new FC this is a temp arrangement as she should be residential at college but due to the mistake by former FC and littly lying to me she had no room to move into...so FC found close to college and she is on the tpp of the list for a room that the college feels will come up sooner than later....so as normal I am texting two three times a day, I have tried calling her, I have sent her a card wishing her luck in college....last spoke with her via text Friday she was due to text me on the Monday after an assessment...but also on Monday her FC called for a meeting with SW...now SW does not work on Monday but she goes along as she is worried by the tone of the request....
Upshot is littly has opened up to FC...she apparently had an incredibly hard childhood after we adopted her...we often hit her...I have not been in contact with her for 8 months...she now does not want to try and see me and she wants to move on with her life...she has had no contact with her brother or sister because I would not let her, and we moved house and did not tell them what was going on we just packed up and moved them to somewhere they had never been too or knew about because we are selfish and wanted to be near our family...blah blah blah....
SW said she had steam coming out of her ears....she has worked with us for a considerable time, she like us has seen first hand the range of odd behaviours, she has seen us work with the mad cap schemes and attend every meeting etc...
According to SW it appears that in a very short time....only several days...littly appears to have taken on this families identity...she is dressing like them, she was almost unrecognisable as make up and hair and demeanour have altered so much in such a short time...according to SW she is basically just like them....
Now this worries me quite a bit...could it be a coping mechanisim due to yet another move...upshot is that she has seen her brother and is seeing her sister...by the way we never stopped her she wanted to steer clear of them due to their drug mis-use and her weakness....but she does not want to contact me...
Hey ho here we go...LAC review is due, SW wants me and hubby there, she knows that I will have copies of e-mail, dates of my visiting littly etc...she wants to be very direct so at least the FC can see how committed we have remained to our children despite the fact they tried to kill us...and sadly the FC felt that perhaps mediation might help our relationship....god give me strength.  |
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Post by shadow on Sept 27, 2014 13:10:12 GMT
Oh April  what can anyone say - glad sw knows the truth |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2014 13:57:37 GMT
Words fail me April.  At least your SW is on board and has worked closely with you and seen how you fought tomget help for all of your children. it seems that when our children go off the rails, we adoptive parents are the ones who have to shoulder all the blame for their entire lives, BF are completely off the hook and those who have done the most for our children are the ones who get it in the neck for caring enough to tolerate their abuse. It is awful. Really really don't know what to say to make you feel better except that you have got to look after yourself and if that means walking away then maybe you need to think about it for your own preservation. Massive hugs to you and DH. Xx |
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Post by peartree on Sept 27, 2014 15:00:02 GMT
The tragic loss in all this is littlies
But littly has survived
And up you lovely parents have not
I'm really sorry about that
Those lies, we've been subject to them here too and it's hideously painful
Especially when our children of all people know what abuse looks like.
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Post by damson on Sept 27, 2014 19:34:23 GMT
And the uglier truth is that when the new family get fed up with her (an inevitable future event), odds on, she is going to expect you to bail her out.
Because 'you're my real family.'
I feel sad and infuriated on your behalf.
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Post by pluto on Sept 27, 2014 22:16:13 GMT
I am not sure you going to this meeting will be helpfull. Nothing will really change, your daughter will love the attention she gets and controle that everyone turns up. She might pick up on your feelings of anger, disappintment, sadness and stress. And loving the chaos she is causing.
You have not done a thing why sitting there to 'prove' with records etc? give the records to sw.
Let the sw talk to the foster carer, she knows the truth.
I think in those meeings the adoptive parents are the ones suffering and worrying while there is nothing really you can do.
Please take care of yourself, have a good think or you want to be a 'player in this sad game your daugher plays'. Ofcourse promote her best interest, but you can do that in a meeting without allegations.
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Post by fruitcake on Sept 28, 2014 5:47:04 GMT
So sorry to hear this, April.
My son does a version of this at times: we become the baddies, locked him away from the world to homeschool him and prevented him from having any friends, etc. etc. When the reality is we strove mightily to involve him in loads of groups and activities which he always sabotaged in the end - even gave up and sent him back to school which was an unmitigated disaster.
Yet there are always professionals available who don't know us, only him, and seem all too ready to believe his lies about the creepy loner homeschoolers who are the real problem, not him.
Fortunately we have other children who are prepared to tell the truth. I am so glad you have a good social worker who knows the score, but as Pluto says, you could perhaps furnish her with all the documentation and let her do the work of setting the record straight.
I used to go to every meeting possible re my son, but after one horrible report from a professional who had never met me outside of these meetings and had taken my son's word as gospel, I gave up. I still see my son but refuse to engage with the meetings etc. He is an adult now. You will feel better when littly reaches official adulthood at 18 and much of this nonsense stops. Meanwhile, look after you. |
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Post by fruitcake on Sept 28, 2014 5:48:33 GMT
Adding - we have followed your posts for a long time and we know what a very caring mum you are.
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Post by corkwing on Sept 28, 2014 7:54:51 GMT
Sending you hugs.
Love,
Corkwing
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Post by ham on Sept 28, 2014 9:39:35 GMT
megga hugs
we know it is not true but so hard for you hopefully SW will get others to see what rubbish littley is talking. when will these so called professionals people get trauma . they readily accept we cause problems for our children etc but conveniently forget this was caused before we ever met our them.
grrrr angry on your behalf.
muffins on their way
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Post by kizim on Sept 28, 2014 15:58:12 GMT
Ä° think Ä° would not go to the meeting either...altho Ä° fully understand the need to prove yourself. Ä°t is so hard and so horrible what our children put us through....and often with no sign of remorse, regret or truth. Do you think they/she believes her version of events? Ä°s she aware she is lying or does she believe this nonsense herself and hw on earth do we get through to them!
(((((Hugs)))))
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Post by damson on Sept 28, 2014 21:39:28 GMT
Likewise, I'd not go to the meeting.
I think Corkwing's test questions apply here.
Damson
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sunnysky
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Post by sunnysky on Sept 29, 2014 12:47:21 GMT
Exactly what we have had to put up with too and still do.
Our boys have a very different view on life with us, to the reality.
Minor arguments have become major abuse in their eyes - the abuse they put us through and continuet o put us through just doesn't exist apparently.
It is very hard to deal with and I know exactly how you feel.
Would I go to the meeting? Yes probably if only to know exactly what was being said. At least you know exactly what you are dealing with and you can put your views forward (that's if you can cope with it - if it's going to make you ill then definitely not).
xxxxxxxx
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Post by lilyofthevalley on Sept 29, 2014 20:43:55 GMT
It is so sad and so unjustified. However the really positive thing is that you have a social worker who knows the score and is not going to be fooled by the fantastic stories being told. You may need to back off a bit. You need to protect yourselves and the social worker can reiterate the truth. Maybe you also need to set new boundaries for Littly about what level and type of contact you will have with her. If she makes unfounded and malicious allegations about you, then perhaps the contact should be reduced and maybe made more formal. As she matures she will probably appreciate more all that you have done for her and your relationship will probably improve again. (I had lots of ups and downs with my daughter over the years).
Lily x
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Post by mayan on Sept 30, 2014 9:04:54 GMT
Sending gentle hugs - so very sorry to read Littly is putting you through the mill - probably some fear about next steps looming so let's project it all onto you ( it's always our fault that things change and life moves on) so let's crank things up and obfuscate and perhaps no one will notice how terrified I am - could that be going on for her and is that something the sw could help her with?
you will be hung for a lamb or a sheep either way re meeting and your dd as if you confront her with the lies she could harrumph off and blow things - you could be present calm and collected to show your support and establish a baseline with this fc when the sw just acknowledges the facts don't stack up and thereby dd's attempts at manipulation are deflated and it shows your all on the same page - importantly as hurt as you are and this does eat into your core however strong you try to be... Don't let her see it just be matter of fact - it's just a thing she needs to do to distance herself from you the old reject before you are rejected runs deep. I grieve that my kids still resort to these patterns at times and feel sad when it happens but I understand where it's coming from and boundary things to protect myself as best I can or now more easily avoid the fall out as they have to face the consequences one way or another - so things do change eventually - in the interim you have to bolster your internal self as best you can to deal with the pain of it all. The alternative is to not go - not know what's really said, leave a vacuum in the dynamics and perhaps for all your understandable anger and hurt it may lead to her escalating to drag you back in and importantly are you really done at this point - we all reach a point eventually which is unique to our circumstances. A hard decision either way...
the chameleon behaviour you describe is very familiar to me and probably many others here as some of our youngsters seek to immerse themselves in their new found "family" - initially a survival mechanism ( think lone sheep vs safety of the flock) but sadly one strategy they struggle to maintain as the closer they immerse themselves the more likely their true selves may be rumbled so more stress for them and it generally leads to cracks setting in and at some point they sabotage it one way or another. Whilst it is horribly painful to watch the relative ease with which they achieve these transformative immersions - it is a sad facade and if it is any small comfort at this time - it will always be only you who sees the worst and the very best of them!
They will do what they do with or without us advocating for them - we can never really know how much our presence or lack of it was the moment that started the ship on its turn - but in all of this we have to make a kind of peace with ourselves to know in our hearts we tried and did what ever we were able to give them the best shot and the heavens know just how much you have poured into all your children - for all that it may seem to the contrary at times - it isn't wasted whatever life choices they ultimately make.
whether you stay or go your dd will still know the truth even if she chooses a fabrication that gives sense to her present feelings and has to reject that truth right now - and she knows you know that too - it's in there for always and us much as her lies may gnaw at you the truth will be gnawing much more at her.
just look after yourselves, keep yourselves healthy and find something to bring you a little joy each day to counter some of your understandable sadness and pain - you deserve that!
Much love and strength always
mxx
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Post by aprilshowers on Oct 3, 2014 9:52:36 GMT
thank you guys and girls, upshot is that I will not go to the LAC review, hubby will go, and as we all sort of knew it would happen it is happening...the cracks are appearing and FC is seeing the other side of littly. Now we love her to bits, we love the god the bad and the ugly, but this reoccurance of huge lie telling, as our SW said it is almost like the last 10 years never happened, and she would like us to do something like another life history book so that she can see in black and white and photos that good and positive times have been there rather than just picking up on one minor point and making a huge issue, and it could help others that will be working with her for some time.....the good news is that she has her room at the college, and is due to move in anytime soon....but she now wants to stay with the FC, but that was never the plan and she will be moving on, this was always the plan and it was a plan she made, but sadly not everyone around her is as organised as me and the room thing got lost on the way, but it is on track and she will be residential at college and then we will see about getting hers and my relationship back on track, she is still not having contact with me but has insisted to the FC that I will sort out her bedding and cooking stuff for college....there you go I am useful.  |
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Post by damson on Oct 3, 2014 16:20:38 GMT
Are you going to be like a good little Brownie, and deliver all the bedding and cooking stuff mysteriously in the night?! Or will Littly be accepting it carefully on a 10' barge pole? That particular myth always struck me as wonderful wishful thinking xxx D |
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Post by aprilshowers on Oct 4, 2014 8:28:00 GMT
Damson that made me smile
But in typical planet adoption style....ITS ALL OFF, yep she has found another newbie to tell her woes too, the YOS worker has berated the SW because....wait for it...littly never wanted residential and she feels that she is being pushed into this as a cheap option for SS and she wants to stay with the FC who is lovely and believes in her blah blah blah...so SW calls me to make sure that I have not gone out and purchased all the stuff on the list, she now has to go back to panel as this FC is in the private sector so funding has to be sorted...they just paid for the residential, she has to inform the IRO of this change and all of this on her day off as well.
Littly still has not contacted us and I am being stubborn and refuse to back down, I will write something for the LAC review, I will include how disappointed we are that she is not residential as this was something she wanted and we fought hard to get her there. The FC had mentioned in one of the many meetings that happened last and this week about Family Mediation....SW ask me is this something I would consider, I tell her yes, but it will have to be at a convenient time for me as although I get 10 weeks holiday its all in school hols I cant just take a day off and I point blankly refuse to take unpaid leave as I have done for all the other meetings, the 11hour 285 mile trip for the college interview, the three court appearances etc etc . I see interesting times ahead...oh by the way she has a new boyfriend, someone she knew from the princess trust course she did for school refusers. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2014 8:51:40 GMT
Sooooooo glad Littly is showing her true colours and SW is getting a little taste of her controling and manipulating ways.  This is what they don't get, because they don't live with our children and cannot see how controling they are. Should be interesting to see how SW and IRO etc deal with her changing mind. Think sometimes it's best for S20 parents to step back a bit and let SS have a taste of what it's like so that eventually the pennies drop and they begin to get the whole picture. |
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Post by damson on Oct 4, 2014 8:55:15 GMT
So no need for the Brownie costume...
but perhaps a more peaceful Saturday doing something you like for your own amusement instead?
I hope the 2 school refusers are not hatching a College refusal plot together. Or maybe a baby instead.
FC might lose enthusiasm fast!
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Post by kizim on Oct 4, 2014 13:42:33 GMT
no point making plans it seems....giving everyone the runaround, must make her feel powerful - in the short term.
You can buy yourself a treat with the bedding Money april x
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Post by aprilshowers on Oct 9, 2014 9:40:23 GMT
Well the meeting happened, and in true adoption planet style littly was able to chair the meeting, basically hubby felt like just a person who knew littly his input was not required they read my notes and ignored them and SW is at panel today to secure funding, littly decided the time of the next meeting in 6 months time.....right in the middle of one of my shifts...so I wont be going to that one either...and as for the family mediation she wants to do it to get the un-resolved issues dealt with but it cant be on her days off of college as she needs her days off...she only attends college two and half days a week for goodness sake...but I will do what I can, and yes I did treat myself to some nice perfume with the bedding/crockery money  |
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Post by peartree on Oct 9, 2014 11:06:17 GMT
Well done for the perfume and excellent daddying from mr grumps.
Xx
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Post by larsti on Oct 9, 2014 15:03:23 GMT
Glad you got some perfume
I am staggered. Do you mean the SW didn't tell Littly she has to take up the residential place as it was all arranged? What if she changes her mind back again?
I am glad you have your priorities right Aprilshowers and your wonderful sense of humour still intact (had a look on ARF thread today!)
Love Larsti x |
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Post by damson on Oct 9, 2014 18:45:13 GMT
I take it no chance you'll be able to discuss your own unresolved issues with littly then?! Just imagine what a real truth and reconciliation meeting would be like...  |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2014 7:58:58 GMT
I do think one of you should attend the meetings just so that you are aware of what's going on, what's being said etc.
Without a parent present, decisions will be made over your head and they may even go for making her section 30 if they think the parents don't want to be part of the decisions being made, so the less you are involved, the more SS will take over parental responsibility and the more littly will be able to exercise control over them to get what she thinks she needs as opposed to what's best for her.
It's bad enough being excluded from the professionals meetings let alone reviews or PEPs.
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Post by pluto on Oct 12, 2014 21:26:10 GMT
I do not believe ss 'care' so much that they change section for a 16 year old. For ss they just 'sit out' the time until she is 18, and just go with whatever the girl wants as that is easiest for them.
Only go to meetings etc when you feel strong and fit, and if not just leave it.
The adopted child will not change, well maybe over a decade with life experience but not short time when they are so oppositional. They play their controle games and as long as there are players it continues. And unfortunally ss have no clue how to play this game with hurt kids, as they give all controle to the child when they are emotional 10 and not able to know what is best long term.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2014 21:51:08 GMT
We find it helpful to go to CP reviews of our AD's children just to be in the loop as observers. That way we know what is really going on so we can support grandchildren better
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Post by moo on Oct 25, 2014 3:39:15 GMT
Many many hugs to you April & dh.... Beggars belief... I can never get my head around SS working of things esp bowing to dd & allowing her to run roughshod over the whole event.... Bonkers xxx
Great use of funds btw.... Please enjoy wearing it xx
Hugs & support coming your way xxxxxx
xx. moo. Xx
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what can anyone say - glad sw knows the truth
