Backward steps

No advice to give I'm afraid, but will watch this post with interest as I was just thinking the same myself recently.

A lot of our kids need anger management to control their intense feelings and help them cope.

We shouldn't have to be the punch bags.

Thanks folks, the school is a private one, and he got their on his own merit but we are going to be getting reviewed for an increase to the bursary, once the foster money stops in January. Therefore we dont want to raise any problems with them at the moment. He is doing fine at school apart from maths, which they have picked up on and are beginning to address . The school starts earlier and finishes later than his old one, but he is enjoying the subjects and got through this weeks homework very well and with no help needed except how to use Pages software ( like Word for ipad) and a few suggestions for english poster.(what is it with all these posters nowadays!!) these are no behavioural issues at school and he loves being there.we hope he can stay there because of a number of reasons.(not least the option to board but still be close by if necessary!)
Also, he came home today saying he has been invited to someones house next Monday, to play, and his classmates seem a freindly bunch. In a few weeks we have a parent night so i will see how his progress is by then. We are giving lots of extra tlc and attention.
I am more comcerned about him regulating his emotions and dealing with his feelings when upset or angry at home. He has had some therapy sessions with a councellor who helps children who have been in domestic abise situations, which applies to him, he remembers things were bad, but not sure how much detail he remembers. He said last night that the therapy hasnt worked. He did seem to be better for about a year though, and i suspect it will settle as he gets used to the new regime schoolwise. But clearly he needs more help for when life is stressful amd he recognises the need himself. After all, one blowout was when he got very cocky at hos birthday party and didnt like being told to cool it, so its not just stress or past events.
One of the things i have heard helps with this is cognitive behaviour therapy, but fitting it into a busy week could be hard and i was told they need to be at least 12 to do it successfully.
Ds1 told me tonight that he had a serious talk with him pointing out that just because he was adopted, didnt mean he couldnt find himself back in foster care , but that if it happened he would stll be part of our family and we would be the ones visiting him! Lets hope it helps, and he knows his brother will understand where he is coming from.
But if anyone has any suggestions please let me know

Thanks Pear Tree, let me know how it goes or if you hear of anything within reach of me. You know where i live ! He might feel out of place in a lynx group, as he is not delinquent, but i would guess specifically adoptee groups are rare. The thing is that he is lovely 99 per cent of the time, but when his rage happens it tips over quite quickly and i am wondering if it even is controlable by him when ot happens, or of it is chemical in his brain. Very like his birth dads rages. There is so little seems to be known about these thimgs.

Pingu, you posted while I was writing my last reply.

More is being discovered about the impact of early trauma on the brain. Margot Sutherland is an expert and has written a lot. Bryan Post's book mentioned above summarises recent research. Basically, kids who have been traumatised have an over active fight/flight/freeze response and the part of the brain the normally moderates these responses is underdeveloped. They literally can't help themselves. Often they have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, too, which can mean that they have Impaired executive functioning and cope less well with controlling impulses, controlling anger, dealing with transitions, planning etc.

Exposure to violence is known to cause trauma in children - and these brain-based problems. I suspect that using CBT (rather than something that addresses the trauma itself) will be a sticking plaster rather than a long-term solution - but I'm not an expert!

Oh it is so hard – I take heart from the cause and effect understanding which is sadly so lacking in our AD. Learning from situations just seems so impossible. Fear is expressed so easily as anger and resentment by our AD and I remember so well the explosions, inability to calm, name calling, insults etc etc. It was all saved for the family home as well, none seen at school which made things doubly difficult as I began to doubt what was acceptable and what was not. It massively affected our AS who found it all so hard to live with.

I to have that treasured moment when you hear one child defending you to another – I couldn’t believe how articulate our AS could be. AD was distraught by his “perceived attack” and spent the next hour crying on her bedroom floor feeling sorry for herself. As lovely as it was it did push her into victim mode, “He hates me, I have ruined his life” so you just need to be careful that these feeling don’t materialise as worse behaviour.

We have had some intensive therapy sessions, funded by SS outside of CAMHS remit – should have had them years ago, they are ongoing but are certainly helping on the regulation front. Advice to AS was to thank his sister for helping him to learn to deal with anyone in life – if you can cope with her you can cope with anyone!

We probably coped too well for too long until it massively fell apart. Horrible! If you are worried about the future ask for help now. Our county is supposed to be setting up an adoption group for young teens. PM if you want. AD was 7 when she came to us.

Take care and try to remember their explosions are not personal – so hard, so hard….

Mooster xxx