sunnysky
New Member
Married Adopter
Posts: 32
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update
Aug 20, 2014 10:28:13 GMT
Post by sunnysky on Aug 20, 2014 10:28:13 GMT
wanted to update all my lovely friends on here. Am now accessing counselling thanks to my lovely GP. Think it will be very helpful although only had one session. It's actually CBT and a bit of mindfulness wonder what everyone thinks of that? Will it help? DS is being extremely hard work. Had a job, gave it up. We promised him help if he stuck to his job but he still wants the help (it would involve a major outlay of money from us and we don't feel it is deserved as he has given up job). Things were going well when he was working but now he is back to being abusive and nasty and at times threatening. Not sure I can continue to support while he is like this. Of course he thinks he is justified (most of the problems centre around our support for his brother which he sees as totally unfair yet his brother is not abusive or nasty - are we being fair?). I keep having to remind myself that he assaulted his dad (albeit some time ago now it's something that has fractured his relationship with his dad and I can understand why) and we had years of abuse from him. He doesn't see anything as his fault at all and while I feel really sorry for him as it does appear he is being unfairly treated it is because of his own behaviour. How do I make him see this? Will he ever see this? I feel much better in myself now back on tablets and more able to cope but just can't see how to move forward with him as his behaviour is spiraling out of control once again.
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update
Aug 20, 2014 11:18:24 GMT
Post by corkwing on Aug 20, 2014 11:18:24 GMT
Hi, Sunnysky -
Glad to hear that you're getting some support from your GP. Will it work? Depends on you and the counsellor. Generally they do have good outcomes, but some people don't feel it works for them, aren't ready, get a counsellor that they don't get on with... The fact that you're positive after the first session suggests that you're going to really benefit from it.
"Are we being fair?" "Life's not fair. Get over it." Rather more gently, most children consider that their parents are unfair and they're right. What you give to one child will be different from what you give to another, depending on their age, abilities, interests, etc. And you are being fair in that you struck a bargain with him and you're sticking to it. He's the one that decided that he wouldn't stick to the job and so decided that he wasn't going to accept your help.
"How do I make him see this?" You can't, I'm afraid.
I'm going through something similar but much less extreme with my youngest. I bought his sister a bike yesterday. It's unfair. She gets everything: he gets nothing. Despite that he got an upgraded BMX last month; that the cost of the bike is less than we spend on him for football subscriptions, travelling, kit, etc.; that we spend much more time with him driving him to football matches, standing around bored, cold and wet waiting for him to warm up and then play, then drive him home again (plus training, of course); and that I like to do things for her to make up for the &%£* that she gets off him on a regular basis (normally a number of times a day). If we try to explain that to him, he won't listen and certainly won't accept it.
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Aug 20, 2014 11:51:02 GMT
Post by mayan on Aug 20, 2014 11:51:02 GMT
Sending many hugs Sunnysky so pleased to read that you are slowly getting back to you again and that your gp has suggested some Cbt and the mindfulness work - if it gives you tools to allow you different ways to approach things and keep you in a safe and healthy place then it's helpful. A friend has just completed trauma therapy sessions and she feels that has helped her a lot but didn't get on with Cbt apparently. Even this has not fixed everything for her so it is about being clear with your therapist about your goals and expectations about what you want to achieve by the endpoint.
Many moons our ds asked my dh for £ 2000 as he'd run up debts and was facing the dire consequences - if we had paid up he wouldn't have learned the consequences of his actions only that he could spend his money as he wished and that someone else would deal with the consequences. We said no but sat with him after he'd calmed down and worked out what alternatives there were including going to cab to work out a debt plan - that time he worked with it but several years later he racked up yet more debt and just ran away from it all - no doubt one of the reasons he is where he is today albeit earning decent money. We continue with the emotional and parenting support as and when he is open to it but he knows we don't do money! If he needs a meal we would feed him so it's in kind rather than in pence or pounds - and to his credit he has found the way to survive. Our dd on the other hand whilst still hard work at times regarding things financial will work with us to arrive at solutions and is moving forwards albeit with occasional grudging willingness mainly because she is too scared to move forwards coupled with her asd rigidity. Basically like your boys mine have different needs and need different strategies and yes they too compare the way we deal with them - ds would love it if dd didn't live with us still and has done much to try to unsettle her in the past so that is in the mix to manage yet still. Please don't be guilted in to thinking you are being unfair or favouring one over the other even with regard to past behaviour - focus on the present needs and your emotional and physical safety first and especially that of your dh and if anything is left in the tank then the needs of your ds's. I wonder too if your dh would be open to joining you in some therapy as a couple at some point - relate or your present therapist may give you some insight on what is possible - maybe he would be reluctant to open up the floodgates but he has experienced significant trauma - has he had support since?
As for your ds developing an insight into his behaviour - sometimes it comes with maturity - sometimes with the bump of reality when they hit rock bottom after a downward spiral - our ds has had many over the years - horrible to watch from the sidelines and some I simply couldn't as it was his way of trying to emotionally and psychologically punish me for the situation he had engineered for himself - he has told me this himself years later. When he was ready then we could talk again about regrouping and moving forwards and support from a place of strength which could hold us all up in that process. He has his spirals still from time to time when ordinary life events knock him sideways but he generally recovers balance more quickly and better and doesn't hit bottom as he knows what is there and doesn't want to revisit those very dark times - so I guess by allowing him some very hard times and doing tough love - he has come to learn where our boundaries are, that he can trust us to still be there but that we won't suffer any carp in the process. He's 28 next month sunny and it had been a long long painful time getting to this point but we are all still standing and dh, his sister and I are still there to offer the support he still needs from time to time as and when he can accept it. It has taken him a long time to learn the rules but he is learning as has one of your sons - in time this ds will find his way but he may need to experience some harsh consequences before getting a better perspective and the resilience and motivation. It's hard to get a job these days but he did it so he has the ability to do it again - it's really hard for so many many reasons for many of our kids to keep it and not sabotage it in some way as that plays into victim think, self esteem issues, perceived injustices of life etc which he may need help with - if he can't hack work he can volunteer and be supported in areas he struggles with by others not you as he needs the space from pouring all his toxic stuff into your relationship so it can have the space to flourish and grow into something more healthy or at the very least to allow his focus to be moved from pouring all his pain into you.
Sometimes to move forwards you have to take a step backwards
Much love and strength always to you, your dh and both your boys - who knew loving could be just so damned hard!
Mxx
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Aug 20, 2014 13:11:54 GMT
Post by corkwing on Aug 20, 2014 13:11:54 GMT
With regards to the "We promised him help if he stuck to his job but he still wants the help". On a couple of occasions I have written a contract with Mackerel. Not quite over the same things. But the fact that it was written down and signed seemed to make the idea go into his head and stick there and I never had to get the contracts out and wave them at him.
I say "seemed" because I am never 100% sure what works and what doesn't, but it might still be worth a try if you come across future situations. Or even the current one: you will do whatever it was when he's been in a job for X months, or however you see it.
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Aug 21, 2014 6:13:29 GMT
Post by pluto on Aug 21, 2014 6:13:29 GMT
The therapy sounds very helpfull, you need someone to talk to. I think there is an underlaying question and that is why do you allow him to live in your house when he treats you like dirt? By allowing him you enable him to continue the cycle of abuse, that is a very unhealthy situation for the whole familly. Give him a date to move out or if he is not able put him on waiting lists for supported living. Do not give him a penny and start charging him for living in your house if you not already do. I think writing things (also rules) down and letting him sign it is a great idea. You are not responsible for his feelings or behaviour, the only person who can help him to feel content and happy is himself.
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sunnysky
New Member
Married Adopter
Posts: 32
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update
Aug 21, 2014 19:42:11 GMT
Post by sunnysky on Aug 21, 2014 19:42:11 GMT
Thank you all for your very helpful and kind replies. He is like a different person again now he doesn't have a job. It really seemed to help him when he was working (I think the getting out and meeting people was very good for him and he was good at the job which gave him a confidence boost ) and a great help to his mental health. We had some very positive days when he was working when I honestly thought he was turning a corner (stupid me) I think he also knows he has blown it with the offer we gave him which is also causing him to behave badly as deep down he knows he has messed up. But I can't have him behaving as he is to me. He has just asked if I will take him to an appointment in September but I said I'd have to think about it as don't want a repeat of last time I saw him. Yes his brother is not an angel and we have had dreadful problems with him in the past but he appears to be making good choices now and appreciating what we do for him (I think) so it is easier to help him. Our other son had lots of help when he lived at home but it became impossible for him to live at home because of his behaviour towards us he hasn't lived at home for some years now. It's so very hard because without me he has no-one other than his brother. There are times when I just feel so sad because this is not the way it was meant to be. I love both of my sons (despite what they have put me through) and just want the best for them. I think the idea of a contract is wonderful and can't believe I had never thought of that. Will definitely try that if I have anything else to use it for although at the moment can't see me offering him any incentives whatsoever as not worth the agony afterwards. Again thank you all as your support means an awful lot to me and help me get a sensible perspective on things. x
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Aug 22, 2014 10:58:19 GMT
Post by peartree on Aug 22, 2014 10:58:19 GMT
Think that you are doing a good job I wish it wasn't so hard!
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