How do FC give a child permission to move on

interesting question!  it is one of those intangible things isn't it?  we know we do it but not quite sure how!

I think you are right in some respect about the warming to the parents.  it is always easier to 'give permission' when you believe yourself that these people (and I use the plural only becoz I have only moved babies onto couples so far) are 'right' for the LO.  but it's more than that as well becoz at some level even where there are reservations, not outright concerns, just reservations that you cant really pinpoint, it still needs to be done and still does get done.

if I use squishy munchkin as an example, coz his was probably the best move on that I have been privileged to be a part of and is probably easier to see what I did, and what they did becoz part of the permission giving is the acceptance on the part of the new parents that this has to happen, and that acceptance is shown through the lack of demonstrated, (may be felt but isn't obvious!) jealousy on the part of the adopters when the child still prefers the foster carer, and squishy's parents were very very good in this respect.

so from the beginning, when squishy first met new parents, they were clearly excited to see him, and he was somewhat more reserved, but they were not in a hurry to force him to come to them.  he met them at the door and then sat on my knee for some time just watching them and smiling at them.  the permission giving starts here I think, the small talk people new to each do with each other, while he was just sitting there and absorbing their presence with me relaxed about it so he could be relaxed about it.  and then the sitting on the floor, still on my knee, but beginning to interact with mum and dad (me calling them mummy and daddy throughout), them handing him toys, him refusing them and being shy, but them not being upset about that and just persevering, me putting a toy just out of his reach so he had to go after it and, oops, touching these strange people, but looking at me and me smiling at him picking him up to sit him between us. 

its a combination of the doing and the being relaxed.  encouraging him to interact with them from the safety of me, to the allowing him to gradually build the confidence to touch them, to be picked up, the smile from me to say its ok for them to do that, the touch on his face, head or where ever to say he's safe and these are safe people. 
and for them, in the early days to allow me to take him from them when he is upset without resenting it, even if they did they never showed it, to the middle of intros when if he was upset I would simply rub his back or kiss his head while mum/dad comforted him, telling him that this is fine, these people can comfort you as well as I can, to the times when he was inconsolable and mum handed him to me unprompted, not becoz she thought she couldn't comfort him but becoz she knew he needed me and not her, and that takes a big person to do that!

and at night, when they've gone, or early morning before they arrive, the snuggles in the nursing chair while he has his bottle with the endearments, the sweet nothings that I say to him about how much he is loved and will be missed, but how much mummy and daddy love him, and how he'll soon move home but i'll shown him his new home with him first. he doesn't understand, how could he, he's only 8 months old, but he's relaxed and happy when they come to see him.
the gradual relinquishing of control over care giving even though these are experienced parents who don't need their hands held through that first nappy change, that first bottle, HE needs it and they accept that also, the being around through so much but gradually stepping into the background, randomly checking in with him that he's ok with a smile, or a little touch etc. 

and taking him to his new home for the first time, letting him 'warm up' in his own time, so he is then ready to go down and explore while still looking at me that's its ok, and that these people are still safe even in this strange new place. 
and there is a lot of need for the foster carer to be relaxed, to be willing to let these total strangers take over bit by bit, and a lot of need for the new parents to accept the need for the gradual stepping back and not to expect to take over from the start.  the permission giving, I think, is on the part of both parties, and it take both to work together well for it to work best.

it can be done where only one side is really working at it, I've had a couple of those, where one side was preoccupied with other children, over excited about this one, too keen to take over quickly, and while I did my best it was hard on the little one who wasn't really feeling it becoz it is harder to be relaxed about it when the other side is so 'full on' I guess.  but even in that situation while I don't think bubs will have had the best experience, I don't think he will have an awful upbringing either, just not what I wanted for him!  and one where I had serious concerns, and that was hard to do the permission giving, I did my best but my heart wasn't really in it, and it did disrupt at the end of intros (not for anything I did or didn't do), and I was glad for that, though have gone to hell and back from the consequences of what then happened for the child (BBS, some know the story some wont, not repeating it here though!).

and not to forget that a big part of the permission giving is also in the early prep, I put up photos around the house and start talking about mummy and daddy straight after matching panel and through introductions, referring to the pics, even for very tiny babies, just to get them used to the language, and the vague idea of mummy and daddy.

unfortunately jmk, no, this conversation doesn't take place, not here anyway.  there is no training for either adopters or foster carers on how to best manage intros, and I know there will be a lot of individual quirks becoz everyone is different and what works for me might not work for (random name out of the hat!) imp for example.  but there is a basic model that needs to be followed that would benefit from being presented in training, the not rushing in as adopters, the not holding onto LO too long for the fc's, the acceptance of LO as he is from adopters, the  ability of fc's to make their home open to other people, really think that is important.  and a lot of other stuff!
I do try to gently remind adopters at the LAD (the only time I see them before intros start) that they need to give LO space initially.  some pay heed, most do, some don't.  for me, the experience of moving children on does grow and I have evolved over time, but to be honest my very first set of intros was also really good (for me anyway!), and I think that my motivation to do things well, ie child centred, comes from the poor way that my AS came to me and the harm done to him by that, and also my own childhood experiences which I am only recently discovering from other family members how difficult they were, but the way I feel about these moves is directly linked to preventing 'my' babies from having similar experiences to myself as a very young child.  I cant give that experience to other people, but I would love to be able to be part of presenting training on how to manage adoption introductions for foster carers and adopters becoz there are things that work and things that don't, and others that can more flexible.  but my LA don't see the need!  I shall drip feed a little more after all my IRO did say she thinks I should be involved in training other carers!

Your post is really helpful (and touching) x

I totally support all that lobs said in her initial post, and am happy to say that I do differ a little in regard to her second post as out LA do have training about moving children on---to adoption and to other places.

I know, because I devised and facilitate it.
I saw the need when I met carers who really struggled, especially with moving children on to adoption.

We are also moving towards more jointworking between all sections of SS (including Fostering) so that best practise----child centered---is understood and carried out by all.
This 'best practice' isn't just something that has been plucked out of the air, but is being pulled together after consultation and discussion by SWs, FCs and Adopters.
Promises to be a great step forward---just need everyone to take it on board, and of course, there will always be the occasional individual who doesn't---such is life!

I am hopeful however that within the next couple of years in our LA at least we should at least have a general, across the board, understanding of how best we can move children on to Adoption in the best possible way for everyone involved.

You'd be very welcome down here lobs

Thank you for sharing LOBs that was very moving and helpful. Will think about your post as and when we eventually come to do our intros.

X x x Ladybug x x X