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Post by janpan on Jun 5, 2014 18:39:40 GMT
Hi,
School saga .... such a long explanation I won't bore you with the details in this post but are any of you teachers who have decided to have your child at your own school. I am thinking about it just now, school is much better pastorally (faith school - Catholic, but we are not Catholics but that doesn't matter a jot as half the kids and staff aren't either) than current school which is not going well. All the teachers at my school have their kids there so that's not an issue. Kids at our school pretty tolerant generally compared to most I think. Plenty of kids with various difficulties.
All positives for Bee (good attachment figure, right?!) I think.
Many positives for me (less worry, less sneakiness)
Major things to go wrong?
Been really really thinking this through. School are completely up for it and I know we are great with kids like Bee. SENCo great, but worried about me. Other student support staff totally up for it - another adoptive parent at school has their 3 there and another close friend has her DDs at her school too and tells me it works brilliantly.
But what if it goes wrong? A lot to lose. But my colleagues keep asking me - why would it be a problem for my school relationships if Bee was making strange and poor decisions? In theory that's right, but in reality it would be.
Would love it if any of you have any input.
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Post by kstar on Jun 5, 2014 21:47:59 GMT
I am on the fence about this one because I have seen it work both ways.
I have taught colleagues' children who have coped brilliantly, but currently have a young lady in my House who is falling apart - both parents at our school and she feels like she can never relax. Also her friends are reluctant to go to her house because they don't want to socialise with teachers.
That said, I am also a big believer in the school that feels right for your child, no matter what the barriers may be.
Interestingly, our LA asked for a commitment from me that I would never have Starlet at my school. They said in their experience, our children need the security of knowing school is school, home is home - and mum is mum not miss.
Sorry that didn't help at all did it!
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Post by pingu on Jun 6, 2014 8:44:20 GMT
I am not a teacher, so can't advise with any authority, but from what you say, the positives are many more than the risks, and it sounds like any issues will at least be dealt with sympathetically by your colleagues.
What does Bee herself think about it ? She'd be a teachers kid, if she went, how would she feel about that? And i guess the parent /teacher boundaries would have to be clear to her.
But if her present school is an issue you have little to lose, it seems to me, especially if she is not happy there.
Where do you think she would thrive best?
Hope you come to a satisfactory decision
Best Wishes
Pingu.
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Post by milly on Jun 6, 2014 20:08:21 GMT
I am a teacher and I wouldn't consider it for my children but mainly because I feel we should all have our own "worlds" and keep our relationship as mum/ daughter only. I thought this before I even met my girls so it's not related to anything about them, although as it happens I would feel uncomfortable that dd1 causes problems and has quite a degree of needs. Partly I'd feel awkward that I couldn't 'sort her out", partly I wouldn't want my colleagues to know so much about my family - and although our school ethos is to be sensitive and caring re SEN, I also know some staff don't buy into the idea that parents aren't necessarily to blame for their child's issues or that ADHD (which she has) isn't simply about bad parenting.
But I know it works for others, though some children do find it hard that mum has another role at school. A few years back I taught a class where one boy's mother was the TA for another child in the class. Mother and child were so " professional" about it, no one would have ever guessed they were related if they hadn't known.
I don't think there's a right answer. If it feels right for you and your dd why not go for it?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2014 7:49:26 GMT
I'm not a teacher but my neighbour is a deputy head.
She enroled both her kids in her infants/junior school, (satisfactory one) an hours drive away. I queried her wisdom on this at the time, saying they would have no friends locally and that she would be driving up and down every w/e to parties etc, but she assured me it would work, was the best thing for them.
Fast forward three years and she came in and asked me if I knew any childminders as she was moving both of them to DD's (outstanding school) at the end of our gardens.
When I asked why, she said that her kids were treated differently by the staff, as they'd known them from babies. The kids were too familiar with the staff as a result and her son was quite cheeky when being reprimanded by them. Son also had very few friends and had never ever been invited to a birthday party or a play date as the parents didn't want the deputy head turning up at theirs to collect her child. (she didn't have the decency to admit she was wrong).
Within two weeks of being at the new school her son was invited to his first ever birthday party - He was thrilled, has loads of friends and play dates and absolutely loves his new school free to be himself and not deputy heads son.
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Post by milly on Jun 7, 2014 8:21:16 GMT
To add to my above post, I don't think either of my dds would cope with having their mum on the staff. Dd1 would be over demanding of me and expect favours, then when she didn't get her way, would become rejecting, avoidant and verbally aggressive (followed by over the top apologies). Recently I have decided never to help again on a school trip with dd2. She is always very very difficult with me when I do go, to the point that I have had to ask her teacher to intervene. For a long time I thought it was because she felt safe to let out her anxieties with me there, but there is no other evidence to suggest she would feel particularly anxious on a trip ( she loves anything school related and is very popular with her peers). So I have realised her behaviour was around finding it hard to have me in a role where I wasn't just her mum, but in charge of some of the other children. What she was doing was desperately trying to keep my attention.
Also what jmk describes illustrates perfectly some of the reasons I feel it is better for children not to be at their parent's school.
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Post by janpan on Jun 7, 2014 15:57:55 GMT
Thanks, I really appreciate your thoughts. I'm still in a quandry. However, she has come home yesterday with a couple of new things that have been put in place by school. Things have got so bad for her there that the school have finally begun to organise activities for her at lunchtime so that she will have something to do rather than just sit on her own - office helper, IT helper etc. As well as that they are going to start Social Stories with her (she is not ASD but does of course have social difficulties). For clarity, she's in Y8, so at high school.
She has no friends at her current school, there have been a couple over the while but not any more and that is a large part of the problem, she is completely alone and unsupported in her current school. She has never been invited to a party, in fact the one girl who she thought was a friend previously, pointedly did NOT invite her to her birthday party. Imagine how that must feel. Even her brother is horrible to her at school. And her dad and I can't bear it for her. We have looked at other schools. She won't get into a Special School. And my school would fit her perfectly I think. It's just that I'd teach her. I teach Design and Technology, they all love it. Milly, you have hit one of the things I haven't really thought about - would she be jealous? I just don't know. All of the behaviour issues we have with her happen at home where she can sometimes be foul but she is never like that when we are around other people as she's too embarrassed.
The more I think about it, the more appallingly I realise she has been treated.
We have moved her before, we moved her to the primary school part of her current (catchment) high school in Y 6 because it was the same story in her little primary school - we moved her a year early. And it was a mistake which is another reason I'm so worried about this.
Kstar - interesting about what the LA said, I got that vibe off our post adoption social worker, though it was because they were worried about me and my 'safe' space.
We are seeing our Family Therapist on Tuesday and I'll talk a bit to her about it when we get the adult only session (Bee gets taken for an ice cream!). Then we'll finally decide. I wish someone would just tell me what to do.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2014 22:40:31 GMT
Hi,
I had Buster in school with me for just over a year (Year 1 - 2).
It was great when it was great and a complete disaster when it went wrong.
His Year 1 teacher was adopted herself and 'got it' and him and also understood me and my anxieties.
His Year 2 teacher was an NQT who didn't get it at all. A big error, but unavoidable in that set up was that I was her line manager, which she (understandably) felt was too great a mixture of roles, but it meant she wouldn't listen to anything I had to say around him at all and persisted in treating him as a 'naughty boy' who could be managed via sanctions.
It was dire. It threw up a lot of issues within the school management system, but in the meantime was massively distressing for Buster, for me and probably for her.
I think the question to ask yourself is how would your work relationships cope if any poor choices Bee made were compounded by (in your view) poor or even unprofessional choices by a colleague. Do any of us want to put in a parental complaint about a colleague?
Plus, yes, my Buster had no identity of his own and no chance for privacy as most if the school had known me before and after he came home.
I'd be very wary, but then I was badly burned. He suffered too, but I was actually probably more invested in the school, so felt more let down when it went wrong.
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Post by janpan on Jun 19, 2014 21:30:31 GMT
So, as an update, we are moving Bee. She starts on Monday. I know that many might consider it a wrong decision but we have made it for what we hope is all the right reasons. We have the support of our Family Therapist which gives me some comfort and makes me think we are making parenting decisions on a therapeutic basis. I know I don't need to justify it, but I thought I would incase it is valuable for anybody in the future. Why we’ve decided to move Bee to my High School • Strong and secure attachment figure in the school • Close home - school contact • Strong community spirit within school, with all staff having their children there, including one other adoptive parent.\ • There is a relatively good understanding of attachment within the school. We have had ‘twilight’ training as well as an Inset afternoon based around attachment as we have/ have had a number of children at school with Attachment Disorder • Many of the children at school present with difficulties of a similar nature to Bee’s • There is a good level of tolerance for ‘odd’ pupils from the other children. This is a strong part of our school ethos. Children are encouraged to be non-judgemental. (It's a faith school) • I have a very supportive staff network. • Love, kindness and tolerance are highly valued virtues and are talked about regularly in formal and informal settings within the school. • A well supported Bee means less stressed parents! • Having Bee at my school will make my life more logistically easy. • Bee’s younger emotional age suggests she needs and wants to be close by mum as she has never really had this. • It’s a secondary school so I will only teach her directly very briefly as she won’t take my subject in KS4. • She has no friends now, we already live rurally so friendships not an issue. • When Bee feels safe, she is super compliant and good fun • It’s only for three years • Any ‘non-understanding’ teachers only have her for 1 hour at a time so the impact of any negativity will be less than it might be at primary school. Risks - There is some risk of it all going wrong.
- I will at times have to face fallout from difficult behaviour.
- I will sometimes have to watch Bee’s friendships with my other pupils fail.
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Post by moo on Jun 20, 2014 8:48:06 GMT
Well done or making such a tuff decision....
I have had to move my boys recently ( admittedly only primary/junior not secondary school) But it was such a tuff decision which I agonised over for a very long time.... The stress that I too was under was immense....I soo sympathise with you....
Good Luck I hope things go fantastically & like my 2 your bee doesn't look back.....
xxx. moo. Xx
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Post by milly on Jun 20, 2014 10:00:20 GMT
Hope it all works out for both of you. You certainly have a convincing list of 'pros'!
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Post by leo on Jun 20, 2014 12:35:51 GMT
I hope it works out positively for you - there seems to be lots of positives in the move (and even if things go a little pear shaped then who's to say they wouldn't have been far worse without the move - and at least being an 'insider' you have more chance of helping things to work out for the best when bumps along the road do happen).
Also, moving a few weeks before the end of term will give some time for any minor worries and wobbles to be over ready to start fully afresh in September.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2014 10:06:22 GMT
Well done Janpan on making such a tough choice.
I'm assuming Bee was in agreement with this move so a fresh start for everyone and maybe knowing Mum is on hand should she need you might be enough to help her settle.
Do keep us posted.
jmk x
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Post by janpan on Jan 29, 2015 22:13:48 GMT
Hi folks, it's been a while since I've been around. Things have not been easy at home with our lot but I thought I'd make an update to this thread to get me going again. We moved Bee, few honeymoon weeks as predicted and then it all went downhill. Serious social issues at school - loads of mistakes made by Bee in the first weeks and now she is the brunt of some constant and nasty behaviour. School are hopefully dealing with it. It is awful, awful to see and know about. And of course I have to teach the kids that are doing it to her. Hideous. There were a number of things that I didn't foresee. Her feelings of trauma and toxic shame have now transferred on to me too. I feel complicit in the bullying because I can't do anything about it (her dad is the liaison with school). School are dealing with it but it's not working fast. Because she has issues with her hygiene, I feel that we are a dirty family. I feel trapped, with her, constantly. Of course none of the other teachers kids are in the bottom set with social difficulties. Etc. Etc. So, on the whole, that was not one of my better decisions though obviously I thought long long long and hard about it. I don't know what I'm going to do. At best I think Y10 will be different (KS4). At even better I have begun a dialogue about Special School (though she's not Statemented). At worst I wonder if we will both have to leave.  |
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Post by esty (archive) on Jan 29, 2015 22:33:25 GMT
Oh I really feel for you. Hard decisions whichever way. Can you get some counseling for you to get it clear in your head and to separate yourself slightly from what is you and what is not you?
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Post by serrakunda on Jan 30, 2015 10:25:46 GMT
But things weren't going well at the other school, you can't know how that woukd have deteriorated. You made the best decision at the time. It hasn't worked out as you'd hoped but you gave it a go, don't be too hard on yourself. Hope you can reach a solution
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Post by janpan on Jan 30, 2015 17:39:31 GMT
Thanks for your kind words, I appreciate them and will find ways to move forward.
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Post by milly on Jan 30, 2015 18:57:11 GMT
So sorry to hear things aren't going well. My dd is year 9 and has similar issues so I can imagine what you are going through. Must be even worse for you being part of the school. It's horrible to be in a situation where you don't have the power to change things. (Plus for me work is a sanctuary where I can temporarily forget what dd might be enduring at school)
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Post by janpan on Jan 31, 2015 22:12:22 GMT
Yes, Milly, that's one of the worst bits. My work was a sanctuary too and now I have invited her into it. I did know that would be tricky. But of course knowing it and living it are two different things.
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