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Post by amberle on Apr 10, 2014 16:35:38 GMT
Hi All, I am new joining on here and whilst learning so many great things on here thought I would start my diary. Now before anyone gets too excited we have a number of months before intro's start but thought I would give people a little insight into what goes on in a nearly a mum's head..Actually if I am honest I am being a little selfish, I am writing this in the hope that writing things down may mean that I may think about something else - highly unlikely I know but one can hope. So a little bit about me - DH and I have been going through the process for panel for just under 3 years. To be fair a year of that was a delay on our part due for personal reasons. But hey we got there and at the end of March we got a unaminous yes! I cant tell you how excited we are, infact we both cried loads and even now are still walking around in a daze, a day later we got a call saying they have a potential pink link for us but we need to wait for the official paperwork to be completed before they can discuss further. So if there is another word for double dazed, that would be us - we really actually are going to be parents. However why we wait for more information we are off to an activity day. I have mixed feelings about this if I am honest, I whole heartedly think its a great idea, my mixed feelings come from my own paranoia - that if it is all so overwhelming and we do not appear to mix in well - will the SW's and FC's decide they wont like us - so think we wont be good enough. It's mad I know but that is how my little brain works. It will be fine I am sure, but there is always that little doubt niggling away. I apologise now if my ramblings bore you all, but I really need somewhere to think things through and thought here would be the best place - if its not please just let me know and I will carry on watching and reading quietly from a distance. Thanks
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Post by moo on Apr 10, 2014 18:58:53 GMT
Yay Hi Amberle.... You are so very welcome... I double madrid's sentiments....
Lots of wise ones here please be brave and ask away we all love to try & help out.... So exciting times ahead for you ( understatement of the decade!! )
The wait is just the worst from my memory.... Never had 'activity days ' in my time.... Please post all about it once back would love to hear more....
Good a Luck & Happy Reading The Boards While You Wait.....
xx. moo. Xx
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Post by knight on Apr 10, 2014 19:27:57 GMT
Hi amberle,
About the Activity Day: is it because the child you're waiting for info on might be there as to why you're worried about FC/SWs judging or are you just going generally? Have a look at my thread on how I found it? We're all different, the majority of people were 'awkward' and not getting stuck in and to be fair, the SWs totally got it. I did speak to a couple of FCs and a SW (and the SW remembered me from that event at a recent Exchange Day, which is good if they have any other possible matches not being profiled, although that doesn't sound like it applies to you). I found the ones I spoke to to be really helpful, very open and frank actually about the children's needs, issues, etc, not judgmental remotely so I really wouldn't worry about that.
Anyway, let's hope you get the information you need quickly and everyone's happy with things going forward. Very best of luck
x
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Post by chotimonkey on Apr 10, 2014 20:10:31 GMT
Hi amberle Congrats on being approved... And on a possible match... I remember the double daze well... Keep us posted!!
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Post by amberle on Apr 11, 2014 15:52:20 GMT
Wow thank you all for the great welcome..So round up of this weeks world of (nearly a ) parent :-)
DH and I met with SW this week to discuss potential link in a bit more detail, sadly the report they came with was not upto date, so this meant we only had the 10 week report not a recent one. And I can safely say there was nothing in the report so far that has made us panic - I need to do a bit of research into recreational drug use in utero - but to be honest they advise me that there have been no issues, with withdrawals motor skills etc so we are all looking gravy.. We discussed activty day with SW and completly gets us and understands how we are felling, but like you all mentioned it is all perfectly natural and everyone will probably be feeling the same - So we are definately going but I think i know where my heart is already ( is that wrong ?? I just think when you know you know) . We have a meeting with LO SW already set up for a couple of weeks time, they have read our report and like us..so thast one drama I dont need to worry about..So until then I will continue to look for "stuff" - Made DH drive with me last night to pick up a cotbed brand new and was 1/4 price it should be - I love a bargain! :-). Love him he was very tired this morning when he left I worked from home today so although tired I did not have to get up at a crazy hour. Dont worry I am not getting loads I have been learning everything from you all - but will need somewhere for a LO to sleep, a buggy, highchair and car seat..So they are my stable basics and I have tried to kid myself that this will be all I will be looking for...MMMM we will see how that goes..lol.
Anyway enough for today - wishing you all a happy and sunny weekend X
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Post by leo on Apr 11, 2014 20:49:10 GMT
Hi Amberle,
Sounds a bit hectic and a bit of a whirlwind - a happy one though by the sound of it.
One of the most useful and practical things I did before placement was to stock up on essentials such as washing powder, toilet rolls, washing up liquid, toilet cleaner ... Each time I went shopping, I bought one extra thing - and £5 on top of the shopping bill didn't really register. By the time my boys were placed I had a huge stockpile of these things and it meant not only did I never run out but also that during my adoption leave when money was tight, I didn't have to buy these expensive items. I didn't have to buy toilet rolls for a year and yet I'm sure my children actually eat them!
I hope the wait is not too long for you.
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Post by nomoretears on Apr 12, 2014 9:42:19 GMT
Hi Amberle, I can feel your excitement through your posts!
I had a couple of thoughts from reading your last post that you might want to check further when LOs SW visits - what "recreational" drugs was BM using? Do they know if she was tested for others? (Lots of BMs I've worked with "admit" to using Cannabis but are also regularly taking other harder drugs as well). How old is LO? Has she been in FC from birth or has she spent time at home? Some of the most damaged drug exposed children I've cared for actually had less exposure to drugs in utero but went home after birth instead of straight into foster care.
Also be aware that the effects of drug exposure are shown at different ages - at birth, upon starting school and around puberty. It's not just motor skills - the biggest areas I've seen effects are temperament, behaviour and digestion. ALL the babies/young children I've cared for have had fairly severe tempers and mood swings.
On a positive note (I don't want to put you off!!) I've absolutely adored all of these children. They're harder work than a lot of other children I've cared for but very rewarding too.
Just wanted to add, the worst drug I've seen a baby suffer from was Cocaine - far worse than Heroin, or even a cocktail of drugs.
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Post by moo on Apr 12, 2014 10:15:19 GMT
Hi Amberle .... Some great advice from Leo & nmt....
Pleased you are still upbeat... It's infectious getting excited for you
Please keep us posted.....
xx. moo. Xx
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Post by amberle on Apr 13, 2014 8:13:08 GMT
Hi again, hope you are all enjoying the sunshine..
Thanks for the replies, and here is a little more information..sorry to be vague just still a little nervous about giving too much away. So LO is nearly 10 months old. We have been told tests were done on BM (hair test they said) at 5 months. BM states gave everything up and tests were wrong..sadly quite a usual tale I think, but they found MDMA/ Ecstasy and Cocaine in strands, and she still smoked although again says light smoker usually ten a day but reduced to 5 and don't forget alcohol although they do not believe that to be massive amount..but then as I pointed out whats a massive amount?
LO was born at a very healthy weight, full term, no withdrawal symptoms and no signs at all of any of the above affecting them. Has been with same FC since birth and according to discussions, is a very happy contented baby, eats well, smiles a lot, and is doing everything they should be doing at the relevant age.
As I said previously we have not got the most recent report we get that when LO SW comes to visit, so this could all change I know but at the moment it seems to be good. I would love to speak to FC as I think they would be the only one that would really know what's going on..but don't think that's possible until closer to MP.
Thanks
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Post by moo on Apr 13, 2014 8:52:36 GMT
Thanx for the update... Understand your concerns re giving too much away....
o.k. Here's the thing.... All adopted children come with massive uncertainty .... Nothing at all unusual in that..... My advice read read read all about these drugs whatever known & suspected behaviours l/d etc... Nothing is not doable if you know your worst case senarios... Only then can you possibly make an informed decision based on expected worse cases etc... Also remember nothing can be ascertained yet to any great degree coz l/o is just too tiny to asses... Some l/d or just progress or eating patterns sleep patterns may be a window but not totally reliable to build a strong expected picture....
All this is simply to give 'worst case senarios ' not in any definite way meant to rule out this l/o iykwim....
Nomoretears is is your woman ( as others of our wonderful f/c friends on here ) they will be glad to offer you professional unbiased advice based on their own life experiences... That in my book is invaluable.... ( along with with research & reading around the particular drugs...)
Soooo Excited for you.... Please please keep us posted.... Don't be put off just wise up!!!!
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by amberle on Apr 13, 2014 9:08:17 GMT
Thanks Moo x
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Post by imp on Apr 13, 2014 12:14:36 GMT
Hi Amberle. Delighted about your possible match, and lovely to sense your excitement. re the effect of maternal drug use, who knows?
We have cared for more babies than I would have wished who had experience in utero exposure to a variety of substances. (actually, virtually all our tinies fit into this category)
The initially most affected had over 4 months on detox as had experienced a cocktail of methadone and other substances, I was told that methadone has a greater effect on the baby than any other single substance.
The problem with trying to predict the future is that every child is different, and I know that you are well aware of this.
Good luck, make the most of the information you get on LO, and the information her FC gives you when you meet, and enjoy the good times, and be ready for the more difficult ones.
On a practical note, can I suggest that you delay buying the pushchair and car seat until you see what LO is used to, though do 'window shop' to your hearts content. Always worth considering a pushchair which allows LO to face you. x
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Post by amberle on Apr 13, 2014 16:54:19 GMT
Hi, thanks Imp.
To be honest we would be bankrupt 6 times over..if either one of us actually brought something we said ooh or aah too..lol.
Yes all information is gratefully received, I think we are as prepared as we can be at the moment, with regards to research. Once we get the full CPR then we can be 100% on what everyone knows so far..but we know nothing is ever guaranteed, but the way we see it ..when is anything, just means our journey has a few extra roundabouts..lol..and everyone knows how dull journeys on straight roads are, so we are prepared to seatbelt up and enjoy the scenic route.
Thanks for the notes about car seat and buggy..too late for the buggy lol..but I get a pass on that as we made sure it faces both ways..xx
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Post by loadsofbubs on Apr 13, 2014 18:38:52 GMT
well done on the buggy purchase! rear facing is so much nicer for both you and bubs.
if its any consolation I to go through the 'what if they don't like me' type feelings before meeting every new child/birth and adoptive parent and sw's, its a wonder I don't have an ulcer really!
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Post by nomoretears on Apr 14, 2014 13:42:14 GMT
Hi Amberle, pleased you're not being put off as I love these babies to bits and always feel a bit frustrated that they're so difficult to place. As you, and others, rightly say - there will be bumps in the road for all adopted children.
Do you know when you'll be able to speak with LOs foster carers? Might be worth asking what will come with them. I send A LOT and always advise new parents to buy the next size of clothes, next stage of toys, slightly older books...
They should also come with all their bedding, bottles, bath stuff. I've even sent prams and car seats. Some babies are SO fussy (one baby I had needed a completely upright pram seat. More difficult to find than you might think!)
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Post by amberle on Apr 15, 2014 17:35:21 GMT
To be honest not soon enough.
Whilst I appreciate everything the SW is doing for us, I think the most accurate and best information we will get will be from the FC. But until such time we will wait patiently until next week once the LO SW has been then start to push to meet the FC. Although I believe that is part of what is discussed next week. In the meantime time will just drag..lol. Xx
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Post by moo on Apr 16, 2014 6:16:50 GMT
Never overlook personality & resilience in the mix !!!
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by amberle on Apr 16, 2014 18:05:26 GMT
And so today's mind bending thoughts are...
What toy is best for a 12 month old LO. Do we do a blankie, or stick with a cuddly toy? And how can I stop the guilty feeling of splitting up FC and LO? Is it normal or am I just a little insane, lol x
I know it must be the best and toughest part of being a FC knowing you have helped prepare a LO into a forever family,but I am feeling guilty and I just can't seem to shake it off..
Thanks
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Post by nomoretears on Apr 16, 2014 18:46:45 GMT
Firstly, don't feel guilty - it's our job and we choose to do it.
Second - if LO's a blankie type they'll probably already be attached to one.
A stinky, dirty, sicky one that will become the bane of your life!
I'd go cuddly toy.
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Post by oogleschnook on Apr 16, 2014 20:30:55 GMT
Hi Amberle!
I can totally relate to feeling guilty about taking LO away from their FC. My older two had been in FC since birth and were very settled there with a lovely FC...
What helped me was a friend sitting down with me and explaining that if LOs stayed in FC then they would always have SW involvement in their lives, would always have to get their permission for stuff and ultimately would have to move out when they got to a certain age whether they were ready or not.
Also if anything happened to the FC like they got ill or something, LOs wouldn't stay in their familiar environment as part of the family but would be moved. Ultimately it was in my LOs best interests to have that permanent family and be out of 'the system'.
(That's not to say that long term FC is not in the best interests of some older children with existing relationships with BF, just it wouldn't have been for my 2)
Anyway, that helped me feel a lot less guilty!
It was a real wrench for LOs and FC but we have kept in touch and LOs still enjoy seeing FC as an honorary aunty.
HTH! OSx
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Post by amberle on Apr 16, 2014 21:41:35 GMT
Thank you, at least I know I am not mad..lol.
Looking/ thinking like that makes me feel better..makes complete sense.
Will start looking for a toy ..and start cleaning, only 7 days to go and we get to know everything we can. We can't wait!!
Up to date report, photos can life get anymore exciting at this moment in time..I think not.
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Post by moo on Apr 17, 2014 5:49:51 GMT
Eeekkkk oh I sooo remember that cleaning cleaning cleaning!!!
I actually quite miss having a spotless house & smelling freshly baked cakes!!!
My house is now a home & a complete tip 100% of the time.... But the laughter amongst the mess somehow makes it all ok....
Good Luck.... Please keep us posted....
xx. moo. Xx
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Post by gilreth on Apr 18, 2014 23:13:09 GMT
As far as drugs go Choti is correct that methadone is a problem at withdrawal stage because it has a very long half-life so stays in the system longer. Surprisingly other than that heroin & it substitutes (methadone being one) are actually the least harmful of drugs although they can still cause issues. Other recreational drugs have potential to cause more serious issues.
We had a training on this last year (both drugs & alcohol) offered by our LA to all prospective adopters given by medical advisor who is very experienced in this area. My husband (a pharmacist) was actually able to write the session up as CPD as he learnt stuff he didn't know - and was talking to paediatrician for about 15 minutes afterwards. Helped already in his professional practice in advising some of his clients to try to get of methadone and onto the other substitute as babies born with that in their system have much less withdrawal and rarely need NICU.
All adopted children come with uncertainties - and the younger they are often the more uncertainties there are. Sqk has some but paediatrician did comment that she felt the risks were fairly low.
As to blankies etc - Sqk came with two small beanie type soft toys that are his comfort - to which we recently purchased what we hoped was a direct copy of one, but has turned out to be a larger version. He loves them both and is starting to accept that Little Ellie needs to go to hospital (her trunk is so chewed). He also came with so many toys it is ridiculous - we have purchased very few - wooden railway being the big one, Ok his FC was giving up short-term and had two children on LTFC so we got all her toddler age toys with Sqk.
We learnt a lot from the various meetings we had but Sqk's profile just felt so right to us from the start. We actually purchased very little in terms of furniture, buggies & car seats till after official link - one car seat which was on special offer but that was in time we were waiting for Sqk's SW to get back to us.
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badwolf
Bronze Member
Married Adopter and Home Educator
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Post by badwolf on Apr 19, 2014 22:52:55 GMT
My one year old came with many baby toys but he enjoyed our toys for slightly older children that we had started gathering for 'later' even more. I recall his first visit to our house ignoring the baby stuff and trotting over to the toy cooker and bringing us cups of tea. I think he actually hated shape sorters.... Toy kettle that made boiling noises was very popular though (still got it now!). Jellybean cuddly toys are nice (john lewis stocks them), the first toy we ever gave our boy is tucked up in his arms now. My one year old was not interested in blankets only animals. Dont buy to much as your little one will have her own idiosyncracies and habits.
Possibly assuming that you will never know the patterns of drug and drink abuse is probably safest. Assume the worst and be prepared, then you can be pleasantly surprised is my motto!
badwolf
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Post by imp on Apr 19, 2014 23:26:52 GMT
Hi amberle,
I have been a bit busy for the last few days, so missed this post.
Please, please don't let any feeling of guilt spoil your time with your LO. Yes, we FCs (most anyway) love the LOs to bits, but we know they are moving on. It just isn't the same as if your LO was taken away from you after a year or so, we know they are not forever.
Yes, we miss them, we wouldn't have given them the best we can if we don't care enough to miss them, but for me, helping to create a new family is a real privilege. xx
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Post by amberle on Apr 20, 2014 5:10:27 GMT
Thanks as always for your comments it really does mean a lot.
Can't believe I am awake at this time planning which room I start with today on my 2 day cleaning mission..lol. Only 4 days to go until information day..
DH said last night he was going to stay in bed all day watching F1, that way he can't mess anything up, and won't accidentally be hoovered or dusted..apparently I gave him a look..and funnily enough the grass is being cut,and the garage is being sorted..now as stressed as I am I know SW won't worry about the garden or the garage, but who am I to stop him doing these things..lol...that would just not be very kind now would it? ...hahaha ( and as for the look..pah I have no idea what he is talking about..
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Post by flowerpower on Apr 20, 2014 6:51:58 GMT
Love it i remember that stage very well xxxx
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 20, 2014 10:12:25 GMT
Word of advice - If buying a Beanie toy, get two or three of the same one so that you have a back up if it gets mislaid and also you can then alternate them and wash them occasionally without causing trauma!
My DD's never really had any special toy that they were attached to, but I do know other parents who went through hell when their childs toy got lost, so matching spares are a good idea.
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Post by nomoretears on Apr 20, 2014 15:48:53 GMT
Jmk I've tried buying spares in the past and it doesn't work! Don't ask me how a 6 month old baby "knows" which is their special teddy, they just always do!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 20, 2014 16:08:28 GMT
Think it's the smell NMT.
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