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Post by taliesin on Sept 10, 2013 17:27:53 GMT
So little Blue is 2.5 & little pink 1....just missed her 1st birthday!
Had list of questions re: drug withdrawal, other issues etc....Met with paed consultant who went through reports and answered questions...much of it 'don't know' etc & that's the risk....lots of positives....we're realistic and I'm exoecting behaviour & attachment issues with blue in particular...
But how hard is it to know you're right for one another??
For some reason I'm ok with blue ...but not sure of pink and for no real reason! Is it because there's less known? She's a bigger risk because younger & more unknown? Is it my instinct coming from a place of fear...or genuinely a 6th instinct I should be listening to?
Have been taking my time, not rushing, SWs think perfect match (of course they do!) - and I was fine...until I saw her picture 2 wks ago!
Oh dear lord - dont judge that, I have no reason why - she's not got 2 heads or anything....but just dont like the look of her...she's a child tho! I've got no other reason than that!
DH tbh would say yes to anyone I think! He's got no issue.
Not saying I don't want to continue....BUT - did anyone else feel like this? I can fake it, I can promise to keep her safe, make that commitment she needs...its just that - she just looks weird to me and I feel awful for thinking/feeling it..I don't think it's a reason not to continue...I'm thinking maybe it's a mother/daughter thing? I never expected a 'young' child (under 3) and that's why I 'accept' him, but feeling like this about her??....does that make sense??
I so wish we could meet at this stage - an opportunity to watch them...even if just watching them whilst out with FC without any intros etc! Hoping for DVD in next few days.
Please tell me you learnt to 'love' that strange, little quirky & alien face !! X
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Post by lovehearts on Sept 10, 2013 20:25:56 GMT
Hi Taliesin, I've had similar feelings, and felt guilty about it! but as time has gone on and we've seen more photos it's gotten less worrying-AND we saw a recent dvd which was SO gorgeous, well we just can't wait for intros now  I'm sure everything will work out, but in the meantime, do not beat yourself up! Take care, and good luck, Lovehearts.x |
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Post by annie70 on Sept 10, 2013 20:38:45 GMT
Hello Talesin - no judging here! Sounds like you are at a similar stage to us but a month ahead - we are about to meet with LO's SW and FF next week (blue, aged 6). I fear that we too will get lots of 'don't know' and will also have to expect all of the above and more... Like you I feel that DH would accept anything - he hasn't read the boards and seen all of the possible scenarios and what that means for parenting - having said that I think he will rise to any challenge and does read book etc - plus I can be a bit 'glass half empty' so it's good to have a positive spin on things! Also like you we always said we wanted 3+ years old and when we were presented with 2 under 3's it was a really hard one - and we didn't agree... for me I think it was that barrier of never envisaging myself with such little ones - so many unknowns but perhaps a greater opportunity to parent from earlier and the possibility of less damage having been done... although reading these boards I argued that that's not necessarily the case... As a guess, perhaps you don't feel any connection to pink as she is not what you envisaged for all these long months / years while you were preparing to get to this stage...? Seeing her photo has made her - and her age and vulnerability - visible and I can appreciate that really is scarey if you always thought your family would be older. Maybe it would help to make a list of all of the reasons you had been saying 3+ and then look at how her age affects your original list to see if there are any glaring differences and whether you could cope with the change in possible outcomes. I also think it would really help to get your head around how different parenting a younger child will be for you - and whether you can see yourself doing all those things - feeding times, nappies, double buggies, waking nights, 2 children at home, giving blue the time and attention he needs, longer until you return to work etc etc ... and it will change the expected relationship with DH if you have both been talking about 3+ - how will you be supported and how might your support network change? ... there will be lots and lots of positives from this but you need to arrive at a place where you want to parent from this age and can start to love her now - not when she is 3! On a practical level - at least you have a DVD coming - that will allow you to see how she moves / laughs / interacts... which might change the way you feel... Don't beat yourself up about it though - any really strong reaction deserves proper consideration and you are just being responsible by admitting how you feel... Sorry I can't tell you I've been there and it all worked out fine  Hope you work it out Ax |
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Post by Ad-minnie! on Sept 10, 2013 20:48:54 GMT
I didn't have strong feelings about the way LO looked. But I did have many anxieties. I think the dvd will help though. Although brief film of child, it did help me. Somehow, I got a little glimpse of LO's personality. I think the linking stage is sooo hard. Its such a leap of faith in the end!!! Listen to your head as well as your heart |
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Post by taliesin on Sept 10, 2013 22:03:21 GMT
Thanks for all comments! Annie - think its because mentally we've always prepared for a 2+yr old because that's what's always been drummed into us...noobs younger than that. Good list as well....did help me clarify in my mind that it's not the age per-se..... Really hoping the DVD will help...don't expect much from it, but yours right, it's just to get a sense of them... Meeting one birth family member tomorrow.....maybe they will help...doubt it, lol but will let you know !!! Tali x |
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Post by annie70 on Sept 10, 2013 22:45:18 GMT
blimey - you're meeting a birth family member :0 I thought that only happened after matching panel...?
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Post by taliesin on Sept 10, 2013 22:58:23 GMT
Tbh, if they could move it all quicker, think they would....I'm happy with pace at mo as its giving me time to get head around it all plus 'strengthen' myself in prep for what's coming!! ...although DH would move them tomoz!
Never really thought of it as being odd actually.....am nervous mind! This family member is pinks BD so maybe ill feel different about her after tomorrow.....
Just had another thought...think they're trying to arrange all these meetings now as after panel date, ratification & 10 day intros, well be 2 weeks before Xmas....so maybe that's another reason for them to 'tick' all the boxes they can pre-matching panel...
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Post by annie70 on Sept 10, 2013 23:00:55 GMT
well good luck tomorrow - I still think it's odd that you are meeting birth family before actual panel but, as you say, maybe you will feel differently about her after meeting him and that would be a good thing... keep us posted! Ax
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Post by taliesin on Sept 12, 2013 17:27:14 GMT
Mrs Tumble - thankyou!!! You just put your finger on it when I was floundering so much to explain.....it was her face which reminded me of FAS! Now Ive seen her on DVD, she looks different again and more 'human' - it really did help!! As did meeting her BD....the 'pecularity' I'd picked up on in a babies face, made more sense when I saw the likeness in her father in whom it didn't look peculiar....does that make sense??? Thanks!! Cant beleive you hadnt seen pic though...gawd, us newbies dont know we're born |
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Post by changeisafoot on Sept 12, 2013 22:12:07 GMT
Hello. Just wanted to pass on our experience which may or may not be helpful...... We have a LO home (8 weeks, currently sleeping upstairs). We said yes based mainly on head decision from CPR and me thinking photos with it pulled me a very little plus just wanted to get on with it but based on photos, definitely not in the "he is the one" camp! Petrified and not in anyway an absolute yes but we decided yes nevertheless. At one of the meetings where foster carer handed us more pictures we (again don't judge please) we felt an absolute no (We had already said yes). I actually don't think she should have been allowed to give us those pictures as it was only guilt that stopped us from running. There was nothing endearing about the pictures at all and I can't even describe how COMPLETELY out of sync there are with the little boy we met and are growing to love. I still cannot believe they are the same child. I promise you I wanted to run (ashamed to say it of course). That isn't to say that this will be the same for you or that it is the right decision to continue but I think we both could have so easily got too scared to continue and it would have been wrong. The feel of the pictures and actually the DVD are nothing like the feel we got from the child from day 1 or even day 20. I had always said I would say yes unless I felt an absolute no. Well, I felt an absolute no and at the moment it was still right to continue. The commitment was there. Different people will of course have different experiences and act in different ways but I still can't believe it myself.
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Post by taliesin on Sept 13, 2013 1:48:43 GMT
Change.....thanks for sharing and being so honest - very, very helpful actually! Feel better knowing I'm not a freak feeling like this now!!!
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Post by vickyvixen on Sept 14, 2013 13:08:11 GMT
I think it must be incredibly difficult and there is a lot of pressure and guilt involved. In my prep group we saw a number of kids talking about their experience of adoption & one of them affected me more than the others. It was only when I got home that I realised why - she looked like an older version of my BD. Our adopted kids won't look like us or our families and looking at a picture and imagining them as our child for the rest of our lives must be really surreal.
I hope the DVD helped and you feel happier now. If not is there any way that you can see lo in the flesh - in the park or something? I know some have been able to do this although not sure how common it is.
Good luck with it all but don't beat yourself up - I'm sure a lot of people have felt the same way as you. X
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Post by gilreth on Oct 2, 2013 10:27:46 GMT
We went with our gut reaction to initial brief profile our SW gave us. Then reading the CPR just made us even more certain. Didn't even see photos till after we were linked - by my request as I wanted my head making the decision. Luckily the photos we have have just confirmed the decision. He is a little older than maybe we were hoping for (just over 2 whereas we were hoping for just under 2) and the name isn't one we would chose but it is growing on us.
My sister (who is an adopter herself) tells me your attachment to your LO grows over time - it is not am immediate thing. Both DH and I are expecting attachment issues from our reading around and also talking to my sister and brother-in-law. However beyond that we just have a difficult lifestory to tell him when he is old enough to understand it - he has never lived with birth family and has been with the same FC since he was 5 weeks old so in fact we are very lucky there. We saw more photos when we met the FC - she ahs put together a lovely album which is coming with him of photos from birth onwards which is brilliant for us. We have first sight on Monday and I am hoping that it will prove to be as we hoped and give us the confirmation we have been matched to the right child.
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Post by annie70 on Oct 2, 2013 11:16:11 GMT
Oh wow gilreth - meeting him on Monday!!!!! I hope everything goes smoothly for you - it sounds like you have a really good support network there and that the FC is being really helpful despite the obvious wrench for her... Ax
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2013 11:26:06 GMT
Oh how exciting Gilreth, can't wait to hear all about your DS. |
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I'm sure everything will work out, but in the meantime, do not beat yourself up! Take care, and good luck, Lovehearts.x
Hope you work it out Ax
