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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2014 8:55:59 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2014 9:02:18 GMT
Very interesting read.
I've often wondered how FC's children feel about having to share their parents with unrelated children. I think I would have found this really hard and would have been quite resentful, when I was young.
I had assumed that most FC's only really foster when their BC are older, or able to understand eg teenagers and independant and able to look after themselves to some extent. I can't see how you could do it successfully if you had little ones, or foslings of a similar age, surely that would be very unsettling to your own BC, when the AK'S move on to their own families.
How do your children cope when foslings move on? Do you think your children were resentful of sharing your time?
Think this could be a good one for discussion.
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Post by imp on Mar 26, 2014 12:01:38 GMT
We started fostering when our 3 children were aged between 4 and 9. All 3 are now in 'caring 'professions, so I think that is the main legacy. Although we have cared for a variety of ages, we have never had children older than our youngest--though obviously that age has increased(now have reverted and only have littlies). There were a few minor hitches along the way--youngest BC being bitten by a toddler, BCs property being destroyed by a very traumatised 9 year old, but they weathered those incidences with our support. They have all seemed to accept that the FCs actually had more attention and experiences than they had at the same age---just because they needed it, but as one of my BC said---'That's OK Mum, because we have always had you as our parents, so that's enough' I think that the hardest thing for them was that they couldn't talk to their friends about the children, and that their friend often really didn't understand about what we do----but then few people really do understand It was interesting to watch them with their , now, spouses, none of which had any experience of little ones. Again, this was almost a criteria for their relationship, none of them could contemplate having a life partner who couldn't 'cope' with what we all do. Although all three have their own family lives, they still are interested in our LOs, and consider them part of our family. 
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Post by twoplustwo on Mar 26, 2014 19:07:00 GMT
I was a single parent and I fostered from when my BD was 8 years old until she left home. I fostered up to two children on a short term basis and up to three in an emergency (very time limited) so I asked for her views on this - here is her response (I should warn you all that she can be rather outspoken): In general a birth child should be able to handle sharing their parent(s), especially as it's on a temporary basis. If you've done your job properly then your child shouldn't worry that they, who were born in the house, will be sent away based on the fact that a child you were caring for temporarily went back to their own parents or their new parents. The only way a child should feel like they're going to be sent away is if the parents don't explain the process properly to the children (ie that you're a temporary carer for the foster children but are still the parent of your own child). Having a sibling is good for children, it teaches them to share, to coexist, it's beneficial for child development to know that there are going to be people around that you have to share your life with a little bit sometimes or long times and, if your child struggles with that then, they need all the practise they can get otherwise they're going to make terrible, socially awkward adults. On the flip side, the only thing I remember ever being not happy about (and even then, not jealous and upset, because my mom handled it well) was the fact that you get money for foster children to buy them new clothes/beds/pushchairs/toys and you don't get money for your birth children for the same things. But I had lots of clothes and toys (and my mom tended to buy me something at the same time, and I understood that the money came from social services, not from Mom) and also having my own Mom there looking after me sort of made up for not having a collection of new things 
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Post by twoplustwo on Mar 26, 2014 19:25:27 GMT
BD just sent me another email to copy and paste:
Well, for the most part, I thought it was great. You probably wisely only fostered kids younger than I was so I was always the older sister, there to help out and learn responsibility, rather than being the little kid, which I would have hated. The way you put it, if I recall, was that we'd be looking after children whose parents couldn't look after them at the moment, on a temporary basis, and that I'd get to play big sister. I always wanted a sibling anyway- I suspect most single children do (and children with siblings alternately love and hate them and don't need to wish for a sibling as they have one already) so I don't think it occured to be to be envious that I'd have to share my Mommy, and given that you and I were one unit without much outside interference if any child would be jealous of sharing a parent, you'd think I would have been. Perhaps kids with parents who work who already have limited time with their parents might feel differently, though.
The only real negative I would say, is the huge sadness when the ones you liked/raised/had for a long time go away. But at the same time, it's a crucial life lesson, loss, and cottoning your kids in an environment where they never experience it is going to screw them when they're adults... it's one of those things you have to go through.
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Post by esty (archive) on Mar 26, 2014 20:58:24 GMT
Wow she's a switched on BD and how lovely that you provided the base and way of being for her to feel this way.
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Post by chotimonkey on Mar 26, 2014 22:33:25 GMT
I've always wondered what training and support the FCs bc and partners get, with ours the whole family were so involved with our Los... It was v clear that the FCs were biting back their emotion and being professional at handover, but there was v obvious distress for other family members at and around handover because they were lovely people and had lived ourclos v much.
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Post by moo on Mar 27, 2014 6:39:39 GMT
Really Great Thread....
Thanx so much twoplustwo for your bd input.... So switched on & tuned in ( sorry if I have made her sound like a radio!! )
I too have often wondered how you all cope esp your children.....
xx. moo. Xx
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Post by loadsofbubs on Mar 27, 2014 7:54:22 GMT
truth is there is very little help there for the families of fc's. my fsw did ask me if I wanted her to speak with AS when the bbs was moved as he thought that she was dead not just moved on. and that was becoz I was so distressed about it and his experience of this kind of distress was around the death of my mum so it was logical. but what he needed was evidence she was still alive and the fsw couldn't provide that beyond saying she was and i'd already done that. he does now accept she is still alive but it took months for him to believe it so a one off chat wouldn't have helped.
I started to foster when my eldest was 2, respite for children with complex needs, graduated to short term when in hong kong in the 90's acquired AS by doing that! went back to respite when we came home, had a break for a few years and then started mainstream fostering of babies 6 years ago. all three children have managed very well on the whole but AS has struggled with two children's behaviour and we disrupted one placement becoz of it. my older children have been fine with the fostering though probably wouldn't choose to do it themselves, indeed doubt they'll ever have their own children either! unlike imps children mine have not moved into caring type jobs but I do think they developed a more caring side to themselves becoz of it. AS would be happy with or without littlies so long as his routines stay more or less the same! though when we don't have a lo in he constantly asks when we are getting one!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 27, 2014 8:17:34 GMT
Really enjoying this thread/discussion. It's great to get an insight into the FC world.
I had a long chat with YDD's FC yesterday when I went to visit and she was telling me about a fosling she had living with her for 6 months. FC only does female teenagers and this girl was out and out racist. FC is African and this girl was white and was sooooo racist. Was out in the open about it telling FC she didn't like black people, used to write racists things on the walls all around the house, used to call FC's DD racist names etc.
I was astounded and couldn't believe FC put up with this for 6 months! No way, would I have put up with it, and why place this child with a black FC? Madness.
I really feel that FC (Christian so very understanding/tolerant) let her own DD down. There is no way I would let my DD be subjected to racist abuse in her own home, the one place she should feel free from it.
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Post by loadsofbubs on Mar 27, 2014 18:54:47 GMT
I agree jmk.
I would put up with a fair amount of rubbish from foster children if I was on my own, but have to consider my own children's needs and those of other placed children. I'm astounded that SW's placed this girl with your FC!
I disrupted the placement mentioned above becoz while it was the fostered child doing the provoking of my AS, HE retaliated and being 16 at the time he was at risk of being made subject to child protection proceedings (it had been discussed at the time unknown to me but my fsw stood up-that time- and said he was not really 16 but 5 and had reacted as a 5 year old would have). And at the end of the day he was being relentlessly tormented by this child and has a right to feel safe in his own home.
It's the reason I don't foster older children becoz he has had several 'run ins' over the years with older primary school children who have been, frankly, cruel to him, and I don't want to take that risk in his own home.
I do occasionally meet children of foster carers who are clearly not happy with what their parents do and wonder how they get through the annual review each year.
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Post by pingu on May 26, 2014 11:29:06 GMT
I have been reading this thread because it's very relevant to us, as we think of possibly fostering.
Lots of food for thought. My two AS's want us to foster but with mixed motives!
My only concern is if it destabilised ds2 who is now so settled but had a rocky start.( not worried about ds1 who is very much on the ball about life and it's ups and downs and about foster care) ds2 also understands and remembers foster care, but is younger and certainly used to be less emotionally robust.
Wouldn't want to destabilise him.
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Post by pingu on May 26, 2014 11:39:55 GMT
Just been reading the PDF that jmk recommended above.
Having the kids involved from the beginning seems crucial.
We are talking to ours as we think of issues that might face, and considering a trial " room share" for them to see how they get on in closer proximity, as they are talking of sharing to free up space, so I think they need a dose of the reality!
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Post by arethstar on Jun 20, 2014 20:19:52 GMT
Interesting thread. My parents were foster carers. We did short term day fostering for a bit. Then long term fostering. I was seven when my two brothers moved in (either side of me in age) and my sister was 12. To be honest, I took it pretty much in stride. We were told we were getting new brothers. Seemed exciting. With such an age gap between me and my sister, I looked forward to have siblings more on my level! I'm told our SW did talk to us individually about it before approval and all that, but I honestly don't remember. Mostly I remember going to the children's home several times to visit, and them visiting us quite a few times before actually moving in. Oh and the box room being stripped of its boxes and replaced with bunk beds  I remember things getting difficult. First with the oldest, then the youngest. Lying, stealing, running away, etc. The oldest would probably now be diagnosed with ASD but it wasn't really considered then. He's pretty much out of the picture these days. The youngest had a rough old time - but he's pulled himself through it. He has 3 kids, nice house, good job. He still has big issues around his life history and birth family. But he recognises that our Mam is the one that never gave up on him - even when he couldn't stay in the home - and that she has made the difference in his life. I have to say I was pretty much oblivious to most of what was going on when we were younger. It's only now when I say to my mum "Starling's doing this", she'd say "Yeah, YFB did that too." I never noticed the small things - only when we were all teens and everything ramped up. It was hard to take some times. The atmosphere in the house was horrible at times. It was so hard for my mum (and my Dad really can't cope with anyone challenging his authority - not pretty) that I pretty much kept my head down and stayed out of trouble. I no doubt had moments of jealousy and not wanting to share my parents, but that's all they were. On the whole, I loved having more kids to play with! And I've very much benifitted from it the last few years - you should see the difference in SWs faces and attitudes to you when they find out that yes you do know what you're getting yourself into  Needless to say my family (including YFB) have been invaluable all through my own process and embrace Starling wholeheartedly. Fostering is something I have in the back of my mind to consider at a later point - but not until Starling is quite a bit older.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2014 15:47:40 GMT
I remember when I was about 11, my Mum and Dad took a little one home to ours for 3 weeks over Christmas. They weren't FC's, but adoptive parents to us 4, so I suppose they were allowed to have him as they'd been approved, police checked etc.
This LO was about 2.5 and had a mum who was having a few problems, but he wasn't up for adoption, just living in a children's home until BM was able to have him back, but all the other kids in the home were going home for Christmas except for this one LO and my Dad asked if he could come and stay with us rather than spend Christmas with a load of nuns, so we were allowed to have him for 3 weeks.
He was absolutely adorable and we all fell in love with him instantly. He idolised my Dad as he had never had a father figure being surrounded by nuns and female staff at the home. We had a fabulous time with him and I remember pleading and begging Mum and Dad to adopt him, but they said he has a Mum and he's not up for adoption.
I will never forget the day we had to take him back. His BM was there, and she was calling him to go to her for a kiss. LO was literally wrapped round my Dad's leg and he would not go to BM, would not let go of my Dad's leg and the nuns had to prise him off my Dad. We kids and my Mum ran out to the car in tears, we couldn't bear to watch and my Dad eventually came out, got in the car with tears pouring down his face and he said we are never doing that again. We all went home in bits, missing our gorgeous LO.
That's why I personally could never consider fostering, I know I would become too attached and would not be able to let go.
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