How long did it take you to know/read your child?

Hi Knight
I don't feel that I completely know my LO and she's been home 2.5 years. I know my BD inside out and I find it very frustrating that I can't "read" LO. I beat myself up (not literally) about a year into placement when I found out from a hospital doctor that LO had probably been in quite severe pain for about a week and I had no idea. In retrospect there were some signs but I hadn't seen them. It wasn't until she refused to walk that the warning bells sounded.
She really struggles to describe her feelings (especially pain) so often it is played out in her behaviour. Usually now I can spot if something's not right but trying to work out what it is can be a real challenge. We talk about the "butterflies in her tummy". Unfortunately "butterflies" can signify excitement, hunger, fear, feeling ill etc but at least it gives her something to verbalise.
I think that we just have to keep on keeping on and I'm sure it will come eventually.
MMx

Like monkey, I think there are some parts of Simba I don't know at all after two years. Some things are relatively easy, Simba is very healthy, has loads of energy, loves school and hates to miss out on anything so if he ever complains of feeling poorly or is a bit listless, doesnt want to do anything I know he's genuinely feeling poorly. Whereas he can be the biggest drama queen over a grazed knee. When he first came home Simba never cried, he seemed to understand that there were occasions when a certain display of emotion was expected and would do horrible fake crying, but never any tears, he still rarely cries but when he does there are proper red eyes and tears so I know it's genuine emotion. We had a very difficult time after about four months, huge explosions of emotion, usually in public, and so very obvious that he was in great emotional turmoil but didn't have the words or other means to get it out. Now there are times I can tell from small, subtle signs, that he just isnt quite himself, other times behaviour just comes seemingly out of nowhere.

We have been lucky in that we have always been able to chat quite happily about lots of stuff. One of the best things I did was to get a snuggle sack, Simba seems to feel very safe wrapped up in it , in the early days we would spend hours in the evening cuddled up watching DVDs, I would be sat behind him, so he didn't have to look at me and he found it a lot easier to talk about anything and everything. Emotions are difficult to describe, we started off using a scale, 1 was feeling really bad, 3 just about ok, 5 everything is fine. Now we do thumbs up and down, double thumbs up is fabulous, thumbs in the middle ok ish, thumbs down is not good, using two thumbs gives us more options for a range of emotions.

But Simba is a very deep thinker, very complex, sometimes I watch him when he is at cubs or with friends and there is something about him which is just a little bit separate, like he knows what's expected and so does it, goes through the motions because he knows he should so he conforms, sometimes he is lost in his own little world and i haven't a clue what's going on in his head.

What a great thread this is!

Poppet has been with us for 18 months now and I am still unravelling the layers. What I have noticed is that we are so strongly linked and pick up upon each other's emotions, so if I am anxious or upset her behaviour reflects this. Poppet and I are quite similar and can be quite 'deep' and sensitive; I am not sure how much is 'nature' or 'nuture'? I am learning a lot more about myself and picking up more and more cues about her. I find sometimes I am spot on and other times not so much.

What a great question.  This is one I have struggled with although dd came when she was only 19 months.  Like Monkey I could never tell how sick dd was until she was falling down, so had several dashes to A&E with her.  Thankfully she's more healthy these days (she's 9 now). I still really struggle to know how she's feeling and she can't identify it either or at least put words to it.  Her favourite phrase is 'How would I know when I don't know!!!'  It's really tricky!  
I have a birth daughter and I can pretty much read her mind!  The difference is stark (and sad).
Ceci

My AS and AD were very hard to read. Both still do dead pan very well.
I became a very, very observant parent, and even when the signs didn't add up in an ordinary way, I learned to wonder what was coming next. Frenetic activity or silence were not good signs. Neither was giggling or laughing.

Neither child had much vocabulary for emotions, and often could not express what was the matter.
We lived with a lot of tantrums in the first year. Cooking and art helped, because you can muse about things as the child works alongside you. The pictures are also a window into their world.

Nearly 10 years on, I know how to come alongside, and ask how things are.
I can give a good unthreatening hug, and will listen while someone leans on me.
I talk about what I think and feel, and I ask them what they think about things.
I love them both, and they love me, but it is not an easy going, open relationship with such private people.

D

Ceci makes a good point re children who struggle with self awareness/feelings - I think like Damson one becomes hyper aware over time. My dd for example and ds didn't feel pain so it was very very worrying when they were ill and acutely monitoring a child or two over time is draining albeit it becomes automatic to some degree. My ds suffered with testicular torsion at one point and it took a lot of sensitive questioning before we could pin down he was in pain(I was mortified not to have realised but they can be really adept at covering any vulnerabilities) and where the pain was so we could get him medical help and an op! It helped me over the years just to jot down even a few words in a journal each night even if it was "good day" or something before I crawled into bed because over time I could look back and see patterns of behaviour and pre empt some spirals downwards or food triggers for example.

Knight no I can honestly say I got nothing useful from FCs, in fact most of the things they regarded as problems just haven't materialised here. However her family support worker was amazing - my main tip would be to push for a life appreciation day before intros, especially for an older day. For me it wasn't so much about what I found out on the day as the links I made - the lady who'd been her first social worker, the family support workers, school, health visitor... I was able to put names to faces and was quite blunt about asking for contact details from people who seemed the most down to earth and approachable. I found people who knew Starlet when she was still with BM and could describe her behaviour etc really helpful.

Mayan, that sounds awful; I can't imagine how you deal with those sorts of situations   x