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Post by daffin on Mar 18, 2014 13:22:51 GMT
Gosh! This all sounds incredibly hard. Sounds like you are really fighting your DDs corner and in a calm, well thought out and thorough way.
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Post by bumbleb33 on Mar 19, 2014 11:07:30 GMT
Nzhb, it sounds like you're going through a really tough time and I hope there is some light at the end of the tunnel for you.
My 16 month old boy has been home 3 months now and has recently started to become aggressive towards me.He's too young to understand what he's doing but it's very painful and I'm finding it so hard to be a therapeutic parent. We haven't got his adoption order through yet and there's a nasty doubt in the back of my mind about keeping him. I know it's horrible to admit but I am really struggling with full time motherhood of a traumatised child.
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Post by esty (archive) on Mar 21, 2014 15:34:40 GMT
Bumblebee is it possible to find someone to have a good offload to and is it possible to find at least one other mum with a child your son's age then it will be easier to see what is the norm and what is not? It would also give you some you time whilst still with him.
Have you thought of swimming? In the early days of my eldest son who screamed 24/7 and I mean 24/7 I used to sing the same song over and over again to him. This really helped and he would visibly relax for short periods. I would make up singsongs about what I was doing 'now we're going to eat our tea, eat our tea, eat our tea', 'now we're going to go for a walk, go for a walk' to the tune of 'this is the way we clean our teeth'. If I left the room for a minute I would sing so he knew I was still there.
All very exhausting but it certainly helped. Your little bee sounds as though he may be beginning to realise this is it, he's here to stay and possibly starting to grieve for what he's lost? Bath time at any time of the day was also a regular, even if it meant two or three bath times a day. Anything where you can interact without too much pressure on him and yourself but still enjoyable. Just three months in I was delighted if we were both dressed by teatime ;-) He was 2 years when I first had him on respite care.
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Post by bumbleb33 on Mar 22, 2014 11:30:53 GMT
Thanks esty, I do meet up with other mums but it's very hard to chat whilst running after my boy. I find his ear piercing screams particularly difficult to deal with. Thankfully we're adding Theraplay next month which should not only help but give me a chance to meet me parents I'm a similar situation.
I do think I might have mild post adoption depression but I'm not going to give up on him.
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Post by corkwing on Mar 22, 2014 17:07:09 GMT
To go back to the original question - how do you stay calm and therapeutic when someone hurts you - I think that the answer will, in most cases, be that you don't. The best that many of us can do is to contain our reaction. The reason is that anger is a normal and natural response to being threatened, and having someone hurt you is threatening.
Bryan Post's theory of trying to avert the circumstances that lead up to the violence seems more likely to me to be successful than trying to stay calm in the face of it.
And if it does happen, you need to find strategies of how to respond - a number of people have come up with some good ones.
Love,
Corkwing
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Post by chotimonkey on Mar 22, 2014 17:24:12 GMT
Hi bumblebee... Hope you are ok today... My daughter howler (now two) was 8 months when placed and angry, lashed out and literally held us at arms length for months... It did pass please do pm me if you have any qu or even just want to unload a rough day to someone who has been there
Hugs xxx
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Post by bumbleb33 on Apr 8, 2014 10:27:42 GMT
Just wanted to post in this thread as my son bit me so hard an hour ago that bruised and grazed my arm and it is still throbbing now. I certainly did not stay calm at the time  |
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Post by esty (archive) on Apr 8, 2014 13:19:48 GMT
Oh Bumblebee, can you go back to basics, getting up, breakfast, one activity, lunch, one activity, tea, etc so that you put in some new boundaries and relieve any stresses on you and him. Take it back as if to at first weeks of placement and move on again? Support coming your way.
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Post by bumbleb33 on Apr 8, 2014 15:24:47 GMT
His routine is exactly like that and always has been for the past 4 months. He is just going through a new sleepless, grumpy, aggressive stage.
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Post by monkey on Apr 8, 2014 18:55:25 GMT
Hi Bumblebee
Our LO was a frequent biter when she first came to us age 3. We all suffered as a result.
We decided that she needed to bite (a sensory thing) and encouraged her to bite a rolled up tea towel (we tried soft toys first but that didn't work).
She still bites occasionally (BD has a lovely bruise today) but she is getting better at taking out her aggression on other things - she has a huge teddy which she lays on and kicks her legs up and down and she rolls in her duvet and bites on it. We also regularly end up outdoors to physically run off the aggression - running in circles, bouncing on the trampoline, 4-mile hikes across fields etc until she's physically exhausted. Not sure if this is recommended but it works for us!
MMx
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