Intro's - How to deal with them

I'm a bit contradictory I'm afraid.

I always have fairly firm boundaries and find the children placed with me respond well to them, In fact they are often confused when the boundaries are relaxed (I.e. on holiday). In that respect I'd encourage a new parent to continue along similar lines.

On the other hand, the child is more likely to be playing up out of a sense of confusion and fear and therefore needs love and cuddles just as much as firm boundaries.

Most prospective adopters I've worked with have watched me for the first few days then gradually taken over in a similar vein to me. I think most foster carers accept that all new parents have their own parenting style though, and I certainly wouldn't judge you for doing things differently (unless you did something horrendous like smacking!! Then I'd have words... )

We took from the FC initially - and have adapted as we have gone along. some boundaries were set from the bringing for safety reasons. We took to heart the advice we were given by another adopter: 'Pick your battles' and have and continue to do so. We are slowly working on the stuff that is socially not acceptable but otherwise still try to take an empathetic appraoch as much as we can.

I think some of it just feels right when you're there. I was planning to not even attempt any boundaries until we were at home together, but then on the very first day she tried to cheat on a game we were playing be I thought ooooooh no! I would say you will achieve more when you have your little girl at your house with you - then is the time to start. However I don't think it's a massive issue because I think most children start the testing later when they're more settled.

I totally agree with picking your battles too! Best piece of advice anyone ever gave me. To begin with Starlet was a poppet but her table manners were awful so we started with that (turned out when she was with FCs she mostly ate alone because she was slow so was left). I wanted her to have socially acceptable table manners so we could start eating out, something we still really enjoy as a treat!

We were approved for between 3 and 4 children and went to visit a family of four. Their advice was decide what is important to you and put that in place straight away (e.g. that the family all eat together, or that there is no coming back downstairs once bedtime routine started). We were also advised that it was easier to be firm to start and then relax some rules off than to start relaxed and then impose boundaries. The FC ours were with were very rigid and we transferred most of their routines and boundaries to us immediately and then relaxed some of them (such as insisting they have a poo before breakfast!! Really??). Many will be on their best behaviour initially (honeymoon period) so it is fairly easy the first few days (maybe even weeks) but when they start testing boundaries you will be pleased to have clear expectations.

Because our foster carers had been really strict our children were over-compliant to start with - that soon changed (LOL!!). My girls were nearly 4 and my son was 17 months when they came to us. On the whole the girls have mostly been well behaved particularly at school and such. My son however - a little terror. But just normal mischievousness rather than anything that gave us concern.

I strongly agree that it's better to be firmer at first then relax. It just doesn't work the other way round.

Jollymummy the "poo rule" made me chuckle - think I could do with that rule in my house actually as my little ones always seem to need the toilet the minute we sit down to eat tea and it drives me mad! I'd love to know how she got the children to go on command though!!

Hi knight,
I think with intros it's best to try and remember that the assessment of you is over now and it's about you getting to know the Los and hopefully everyone is on your side wanting the placement to work.
You should meet with FC and significant workers on Los life before you intros so you would be able to ask a lot of questions about what boundaries are already in place for lo and how they react to them.
Like others said intros are excellent for getting to know a bit about your child and what their life is like in FC so you can try to give them as much continuity as possible...
It v much depends on ur lo, some have a honeymoon period in which you can gently introduce your boundaries, some react by challenging you immediately, and some are compliant and it takes a really long time before they feel safe enough to challenge you... I think the more important thing is that you learn as much as you can about your child, what has worked previously etc so it's v difficult to decide on a definite strategy... Our three (with same bps and all removed at birth and same FC for two) all had separate intros and settling Imin periods and all reacted differently and needed different strategies to help them settle... I think you learn everything you can but don't set anything in stone about what you are going to do... If you watch carefully quite often the child will show you what they need ...
Good luck