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Post by nomoretears on Feb 23, 2014 15:19:29 GMT
I officially start introductions for Jane and her new parents (Janet and John) tomorrow but actually the preparation began last year.
Here's where we're at now:
Sometime in oct
Receive dreaded (!) phone call - possible parents found for Jane (Not really dreaded, we've waited a long time for this call, but its always a shock and the first time it really sinks in that the end of my time with this child is near...!)
Sometime in Nov
Meet Janet and John (prospective new parents) at their house. They are v nervous, funny and ask lots of appropriate questions. I am just nervous! I give them a copy of the "things to ask foster carers questionnaire" that i have completed for them, and which they are very impressed with - huge thanks to all the members of this board who compiled it! Leave feeling much better.
Next 2 months
Revisit adoption work with Jane, introduce her to vague idea of families, then deal with the fall out! lots of questions about why she can't stay here, why i can't be mummy, why she has to have a new mummy and not her old one, will she be able to take her toys when a new mummy is found, what about her bed? What about me? Will I be sad? Can she take her best friend?
Attend matching panel, feeling unaccountably nervous - unanimous Yes - and break news to Jane about new family. She is now more used to the idea and reacts very positively.
Begin showing Jane the picture book and DVD Janet and John have made. Plaster our house in photos of them.
Feb 19th
Attend intros meeting where we plot out times for each day of Intros. Some adjustments made to the proposed plans we were sent. Janet and John are happy to go along with some of the practical changes i put forward (lots of different start/end times in original plan, i like a more straightforward approach, I.e repeating what we learn each day then building on it) and also have some good suggestions of their own. Luckily SWs are amenable too - I've worked before with SWs who had one approach - theirs. Lots more for Janet and John to take in than me - all about the legalities and future support and parents contesting adoption orders. I sit quietly and eat biscuits!
next day (4 days before Intros)
Begin a mad clean of the house! Jane "helps" pack her belongings by emptying all the packed boxes, climbing into the suitcases and packing MY belongings instead. Realise we're going to need a truck to move all her stuff to her new house.
3 days before Intros
Extra manic cleaning begins as Jane is at nursery for her last day. Her teachers give her a lovely card when I go to collect her and her friends all give her hugs goodbye. I'm not the only one with tears in my eyes.
1 day before intros (today!)
Take Jane to church to say goodbye to her friends there. Everyone comments on what a different little girl she is to the one i first took there almost 12 months ago. Physically, socially, emotionally - she's totally changed. It's been a huge struggle, and somedays I admit I go to bed questioning why I choose to carry on fostering. Looking at her playing with her friends today I know exactly why I carry on.
Can't sit still when we get home. Poor Jane wonders what's come over me - I don't think she's ever seen our house so clean!
So, tomorrow is the big day! I wish there was a smiley for biting my nails...!
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Post by imp on Feb 23, 2014 16:15:46 GMT
Try to get some sleep tonight nmt, though I know you probably won't with everything zooming round in your head.
Interesting that you start this diary on the day you were told that parents had been found, that's my 'grumpy' day.
xx
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Post by loadsofbubs on Feb 23, 2014 17:31:43 GMT
I get grumpy on dpc (dreaded phone call- also sometimes dreaded lac visit day or even- admittedly poor form- dreaded email day) day too. am seeing squishy munchkins adoption worker this week. am hoping its not a visit to say they have found a family. is pmt week here next week, not a good week for the good news of a family being found!
and hope you get some sleep too, I never do but I hear that alcoholic beverages can help!
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Post by Ad-minnie! on Feb 23, 2014 19:09:09 GMT
Thank you so much for writing this. It is so helpful to hear intros from fc perspective. Hope you get done sleep and that day 1 goes well although would guess there are so many emotions for you ... And for LO which no doubt means more emotions for you.
Minnie x
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Post by nomoretears on Feb 23, 2014 19:11:04 GMT
Cheers everyone, just put her to bed - our last "normal" bedtime! She was playing up so actually got put to bed earlier than usual to try and give her a good sleep for tomorrow. Really all I wanted to do was keep her up with me longer! I'm not much of a drinker but always find your alcoholic beverage suggestion good around this time LOBs!
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Post by loadsofbubs on Feb 23, 2014 19:27:41 GMT
i'm not a drinker either really but do have some left over brandy from the Christmas cake and some white wine from cooking the other day and some stella form the summer when I was away but didn't drink! (and a bottle of ale waiting to become part of a steak and ale casserole/pie at some point in the near future). I like the taste just not the alcohol effect! happy to share!
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bluebell
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Married Adopter
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Post by bluebell on Feb 23, 2014 19:35:25 GMT
Thank you so much for sharing this! Brilliant idea.
As little bell was our first we were caught up in her and us and wanted to be mindful of fc's feelings, as they were fab, but no clue if we were actually being mindful.
Hugs and hope tomorrow goes well for all.
X
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Post by knight on Feb 23, 2014 22:49:12 GMT
Oh no: I know I said please do this, but I don't know if I can take it.
These little chicks go through so much; throughout the journey so far, it's what they have to got through pre and post-placement that just breaks my heart.
The only 'comfort', if I can call it that is that, is that they do come through it and I know they've had so much invested in them by FCs and made good head-way towards healing.
Will be thinking of you over the next few days and I hope all goes well tomorrow x
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2014 7:52:06 GMT
Oh wow it's started then. Thank you so much for doing this NMT. I know it must be so hard, but it really will be good for us all to see intro's from a FC's point of view.
I think because adopters have such a long trek to get their family, that by the time intro's come they are so focussed on meeting their child that all else can go out the window and sometimes they can take their frustrations of the system out on the FC, as some see her as the last barrier they have to get over. They forget how much most FC's invest in their LO's and can sometimes seem ungrateful or just wanting to get their child out of there as fast as possible.
Reading FC intro's may make adopters stop and think a bit more about the wonderful people who have loved and cared for their LO's for years. I do think most adopters do this, but often not until they have had their LO living with them for a while and they realise how much is involved in their care and upbringing. It is hard to imagine all of that amidst everything else that is going on and often it's not until much later that they realise how lucky their LO was to have had such a great start.
You posting your feelings here, no matter how difficult it is, will really help us all learn that it's the LO that is the most important thing in all of this emotionally turbulant time and working together to make the transition as smooth and positive as possible is what's important, not whether the FC's house is tidy or she has nice biscuits or whatever.
Hugs to you NMT. Look forward to reading more about Jane and her new family and remember we are here for you. xx
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Post by loadsofbubs on Feb 24, 2014 10:26:35 GMT
I think the bit that might surprise/shock prospective (and maybe even seasoned) adopters is the bit of intros that they don't see.
I found with my last lot but particularly with the BBS, that the child behaves impeccably when new parents are there and then becomes a screaming thrashing tazmanian devil often in the 'fallout' after they have gone home for the day.
And I have never mentioned this to any prospective family becoz its hard enough doing intros without having the guilt that the child is so upset/disturbed etc. but maybe a few sets of intro diaries that are anonymous (in terms of knowing people in the flesh!) will open some eyes and allow them to realise that while it is a happy ending usually, its painful for little one to get to that point and not without some battle scars for both child and foster carer. (This would be by way of a 'hint' to include the fallout NMT!)
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Post by sivier on Feb 24, 2014 12:45:41 GMT
Thank you nomoretears, that's so interesting to read, and I felt a bit tearful too.
Took me straight back to intros with AD 3 and a half years ago - especially her trying to make sense of it all.
And her FCs knowing they will miss her desperately but being so professional about it everything.
Good luck and hope it all goes smoothly.
I had one worry though..... if the diary is in real time, even though you have anonymised it could the sequence of events possibly be identifiable by adopters if they are on these boards? Would a slight time delay, a month or something minimise that possibility (not trying to detract, as I think it's a great idea to do this).
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Post by nomoretears on Feb 24, 2014 19:28:58 GMT
Sivier, I thought that too but spoke to parents about it at our planning meeting and they were all for the idea.
They don't have a computer (I was amazed!) but they have asked for a printout to add to Jane's memory box.
They've also asked for it to be "warts and all" as they're very clued up, and know that a lot more goes on once they leave each day.
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Post by nomoretears on Feb 24, 2014 19:34:31 GMT
Intros day 1
Jane wakes up super early and is dashing around the house by 6.30 talking to the photos we have plastered everywhere. Her teddies are already well acquainted with Mummy and Daddy! She is too nervous to eat much breakfast and begins to play up by 10.00. I resort to blackmail with her favourite DVD in an attempt to calm her down before Janet and John arrive at 10.30.
10.30 comes - no sign of parents!! My own butterflies are now creating havoc in my tummy. (Later find out SW had been delayed, today of all days!) Instead of worrying about practical things like Jane and her new parents getting along I'm now worrying about stupid things like "what will they think of my house, with its scuffs and knocks from X years of fostering?" "What if we can't think of anything to talk about?" "Did I remember to buy spare loo rolls??"
11.00 - knock at the door! Jane runs to answer it then gets shy. Manage to get past her to open it and she peeps out from behind my legs. When I ask her who's here she answers "My mummy and daddy!"
Usher everyone inside and get drinks - Janet and John are so nervous but amazingly Jane is in her element, sitting nicely with mummy and even giving her a couple of pats on her leg. They spend the next 3 hours playing with Jane's toys and Jane doesn't bat an eyelid whenever I leave the room to make drinks or sandwiches.
They leave in the early afternoon and Jane spends the rest of the day chattering excitedly about them, already calling them mummy and daddy. I'm hugely relieved at how well today has gone but absolutely exhausted now the adrenalin has worn off and my lack of sleep last night is kicking in.
Jane went to bed fine tonight - I too was expecting a bit of Tazmanian Devil to arrive but no sign yet! Fingers crossed for tomorrow...
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2014 19:41:09 GMT
Oh well done NMT. At least the first day is over.
How unfortunate that everyone was running late, today of all days, but it looks like you handled it well and didn't pass your stress onto Jane.
Think a small glass of coping juice is in order as is an early night for you. xx
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Post by sivier on Feb 24, 2014 20:00:27 GMT
Great that the adoptive parents are up for the diary, nomoretears.
Sounds as though it went well today, hopefully you'll sleep well having got the first day out of the way...
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Post by knight on Feb 24, 2014 21:32:54 GMT
Ahh NMT, glad the first day went well.
Her new parents do sound very clued up; they sound like they are the ones for this LO, especially as you said she'd been tricky, they'll be/get wise to her.
Glad she went off fine last night and hopefully doesn't wake up until the morning.
You sleep well too... Thanks for doing this x
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Post by loadsofbubs on Feb 24, 2014 22:12:18 GMT
Ah the relief of the first day over eh?!
My last lot were on time for day one but nearly 40 minutes late to take home on moving day, after the bbs experience I was starting to sweat a bit!
Hope tomorrow goes smoothly.
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Post by imp on Feb 25, 2014 0:49:01 GMT
Hope you had a little more sleep, and that tomorrow continues to run fairly smoothly.
Have you managed to find all the 'bits' to her toys?
Something that we always struggle with, always lose some bit or other, and end up having to send it on afterwards.
How long are the intros scheduled to be?
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Post by moo on Feb 25, 2014 6:33:27 GMT
Aww nmt we all know how much I love intro diary's.... Thanx sooo much for this it is an absolute joy....
I am very jealous of all you FC coz I had such a tricky time with baa & skweeks FC & really wanted the relationship with them that you all seem to have with your adopters.... Soo respect & a tad jealous here.....
The love & cherish you have given shines off the page..... I hope you get loads of support this is clearly soo tuff... I so expected love & nurture for baa & skweek & I can see now how sad for them that they really didn't get it.... Many hugs for you.... Be kind to you... Sending you a large bag of my personal favourite malteesers hope they give you strength .....
{{{}}} nmt keep skweezing.....
Your next bubs is waiting for your love.....
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by nomoretears on Feb 25, 2014 19:58:32 GMT
Thank you everyone. Amazingly I've managed to find most bits to toys and have done my best to pack everything in sets - as most of the boxes went long ago I don't envy her new parents with working out how things work though!
Moo I'm always saddened when I hear of foster carers not treating their foster children well - I know there are some not so good ones but I'm amazed they manage to carry on. Were you asked to provide feedback afterwards? I think it should be mandatory, and used at our annual reviews.
So here's today....
Intros day 2
Early start today - up at 6 to be ready for parents arriving at 6.45. Amazingly Jane sleeps through their arrival and is still asleep at 7.15! (Unheard of!) We take the opportunity to have a coffee and a chat. They are very pleased with the slippers I've bought them - an idea I pinched off this board! (Sorry I cannot credit whoever it was as I can't find the post, but it was much appreciated!)
Eventually wake a grumpy Jane, who brightens when she sees mummy and daddy, and becomes even more cheery when we all sit down to a cooked breakfast together. She quickly bursts my bubble by telling Janet and John that we don't usually have nice breakfasts!
The three J's spend the morning playing again and I sneak away for 30 minutes to continue packing. They are bonding fabulously and Janet gets her first real "mummy" moment when Jane asks her to wipe her bottom after going to the toilet! Nice.
Janet and John stay for lunch today, a much less lavish affair than breakfast of just soup and sandwiches, but everyone is still a bit nervous to eat much anyway.
Janet and John leave after lunch. Jane has her first real tantrum of the week, confused by all the extra attention she's received and also very unsure about the changes ahead. It's a doozy, but over quickly leaving her tired and moaning for tv. I give in for once (as I really need to crack on with packing!!)
Tonight is her Goodbye party and she has a fabulous time but doesn't take in the idea of "goodbye" at all - she tells her best friend she will show her her new mummy and daddy next week and when I explain again that that won't be happening she gets upset. This is when it always hits me what a huge, huge change is happening to my foslings and that whilst I'll still have my familiar friends and surroundings to help me deal with the sadness of moving a child on Jane will literally be starting afresh. And she's only 4.
She's absolutely shattered now, went to bed without a peep and I'm treating myself to the Sewing Bee before I tackle tidying up. (I think there's only one thing - besides the obvious - that I don't like about introductions and that's all the tidying!!)
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Post by knight on Feb 25, 2014 20:05:56 GMT
Oh bless, they're so blunt kids. I have to admit to often shaking my head (sometimes as I walk down the road) at the prospect of what my future LO will go through. I know that it's a fairly tried and tested process and by all counts the transition does seem to work well for so many children; if I think it's heart-breaking, even more so for you guys who've given so much to these little ones for probably 2 years or more - that's a lifetime - usually most of their little lives. Anyway, it is lovely to read and absorb. Keep looking after yourself to though !!  x |
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Post by imp on Feb 25, 2014 21:00:21 GMT
Totally agree about the tidying. My house is never as tidy as when in Intros (even when Sws come they don't see all the places the Adopters see)
Just another aspect that adds to the overall fatigue of Intros
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Post by loadsofbubs on Feb 25, 2014 21:55:59 GMT
you tidy for intros?! sorry, i'm just as lazy with the hoover as I am any other time!! glad its going well NMT.
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Post by moo on Feb 26, 2014 10:10:38 GMT
Aww... Lovin it thanx....
 
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by sooz on Feb 26, 2014 11:38:08 GMT
Loving this thread, thank you xx
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Post by littlemisscheerful on Feb 26, 2014 17:32:08 GMT
Really interested to hear from this angle - so thanks.
Dunno what you think, but I saw Margot Sunderland who talked about FC giving a DVD to adopters - I think she means something similar to the intro DVD.
She called it emotional refuelling. I guess something along the lines of I'm here and I'm thinking of you for LO to watch after moving.
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Post by nomoretears on Feb 26, 2014 20:04:56 GMT
Littlemisscheerful that sounds a lovely idea but I hate being filmed! I always send a DVD of the child's time with me though so I suppose I'll be on that...it's great to have such a visual image of how a child has progressed during their time here.
Here's today's diary which is incomplete as Jane is still awake - not sure what sort of night we're in for.
Intros day 3
Later start today, but wouldn't you know it - Jane is up and running about by 6.30.
Parents arrive in time for dinner. Spend half an hour playing alone with Jane while I make sandwiches. She is more difficult today, not wanting daddy at all and hitting mummy several times. They are brilliant and remain calm, acknowledging her bad behaviour but refusing to rise to it. Janet includes John in all the games but neither Janet or John makes a fuss when Jane continues to ignore him. This is a first for me as until now all the children I've moved on have taken to daddy first.
Dinner is (not) fun as Jane seems to have regressed back to when she was first placed - we have egg smeared over the table, bread thrown on the floor, tomatoes eaten whole then spat back out... I think Janet and John believe me when I promise them she does usually eat better than this! I am relieved when dinner is over though. Even though children are usually eating pretty well by the time they leave me they do tend to have blips at introduction times and when first moved and I'm always paranoid that new parents will think I've been feeding them rubbish and letting them eat like wild animals.
I leave the three J's for about an hour in the afternoon while I nip out to get a few bits for the coming week and they are playing much better when I return. I left them some bubbles and these have been a huge hit! I leave them playing again while I cook tea (my biggest challenge so far - I am vegetarian and dread cooking meat unless its in a box with exact cooking times!! Luckily no-one is poisoned today). Jane is much better at tea time and eats perfectly - helped by my bribery with chocolate cake!
Parents observe bath time tonight, which is chaos but fun. They leave a very giddy Jane with me who takes ages to settle tonight - I can still hear bumps overhead now.
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Post by loadsofbubs on Feb 26, 2014 22:33:26 GMT
sounds a bit tough today, hope little j goes to sleep soon for you! and if you're vegetarian why would you have to cook meat? I have accommodated special diets into intros but not convinced a meat eating diet is a special requirement! (I am not vegetarian but would be happy to eat a vegetarian diet for a couple of weeks).
all my bubs have been daddy's girls and boys too and all of them made life tougher for the mums not just preferring daddy but actively ignoring the mummies. nice for jane though that she is the preferred parent, but so glad care and play is being shared despite the preference. the 'daddy' for the bbs was very clearly the preferred parent and he revelled in it and seriously (and very possibly deliberately, from later evidence) undermined every effort of the 'mummy' to engage with the bbs and i'm confident it was a big factor in the disruption. mummies and daddies working together so early on is very promising. here's hoping little j sleps well (and later) in the night and morning!
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Post by moo on Feb 27, 2014 7:49:32 GMT
Nmt this is soo great to hear from your the doting f/c perspective.... Also warts an' all re janes reactions to the process.... She is clearly testing & I guess swinging from being confused to loving all the Xtra attention....
Parents sound great... Not sweating the small stuff in fact.... How many more days??? Are they switching to their house or is it long distance intros?? ( sorry if you have said above )
Thanx so much for this fab intro diary....
xx. moo. Xx
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Post by imp on Feb 27, 2014 10:15:18 GMT
nmt I totally understand your slight concerns about the impressions you feel that the Adopters might have of your (excellent) care.
I appreciate that Adopters can feel under the microscope during Intros---but I always feel that I am there being judged as well!
Good for you pointing out her regressive behaviour, and showing how to handle her.
It's a strange thing, isn't it, to be on the outside of a new relationship, to be able to see what is happening, and to try to give reassurance while not appearing to 'interfere'.
In many ways I find supporting and encouraging the Adopters more complicated and exhausting than supporting the LOs---I know them and how to help them through!!
Hope today has been successful, and the three of them are beginning to gel.
xx
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