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Post by mayan on Jan 30, 2014 15:37:59 GMT
It's a funny old world for sure - one minute we were all on a post holiday high and the next I was opening a pile of post to find a letter amongst the bills telling me my half sister had passed away.
We had only been reunited in the last 10 years or so (she had contacted me out of the blue via the Salvation Army and I had not been aware of her existence or a half brother to boot- so quite a bombshell to cope with) - we were not close - but had met a number of times and had kept in touch even though she had then moved a long way away and only in the past few months just moved back closer to me - very strange sitting opposite someone with so many similar physical characteristics but no shared family moments to bind us and so tragic for her that apparently she was not allowed to search until her step father had died when she was well into her 60's and by which time my father, mother, eldest brother and eldest half brother (whom she didn't grow up with) were also long passed away.
Fortunately I was able to tease out the story from an elderly maternal aunt albeit it didn't fit with the story my half sister had been given by her mother and step father so no neat closure for her or me - but I must confess even though I could rationalise the good reasons why my parents and others chose to keep things secret, the biggest joke was my older brothers both apparently knew and lived with my half brother with my parents before I was born (being a very late baby with a big sibling age gap) and my surviving brother assumed I knew about it all .... it did make me feel sad and angry that I hadn't had any choice in whether or not to even initiate a relationship - though I am not the sort to dwell to long on things and I have since chalked this up to the curiosities and randomness of life!
However this latest has quite affected our dd - she has several half sibs who unlike her weren't adopted and remained with BM and of course DS who has since returned to live there and so it has elicited some conversations about whether she would be contacted if something happened to one of them and how she might feel.
I must confess I feel quite odd - sad in a way not just for my half sister's loss itself but the loss of a potential relationship I guess (I haven't quite yet put my finger on it) and in such a random way - she was in her late 70's fit as a flea and it was as a result of a stupidly simple accident in the home which led to complications - bizarrely something I am constantly nagging my dd to avoid doing herself!!! So the parallels are not wasted on her!
I suppose it has resonated a lot in terms of DD and her losses of relationships with her half sibs albeit we have been able to at least manage direct contact for many years so that she has real memories of them all albeit she called a halt to the contact herself when she was around 16 as BM let her down very badly - but also in respect of her relationship with the half brother who she has essentially grown up with here and who is now estranged from her by his choice.
Even though all of this is all so totally mad and random (I must confess as level headed as I usually am - I was in complete shock for several months when I first found out about my half sibs) - in a way I am so grateful for this experience as it is now allowing us to sit and discuss things together as adults and for her to explore feelings and fears she has long held on to and it gives her another perspective to help her make sense of her own history.
It has also been nice to see our DD being very empathetic and thoughtful as the funeral date looms something that would have previously made her wobble if she thought for a moment I was below par. A funny old world indeed!
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Post by mayan on Jan 30, 2014 15:46:56 GMT
oops meant to add - just wondered whether others have found difficult experiences have actually helped their adoptees open up and share some of their fears and worries too?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2014 17:03:22 GMT
Wow Mayan sorry for your loss. What an insight into how your DD might be feeling.
I have a friend who was the oldest of 3 girls, (or so she thought).
She was very close to her Mother and nursed her through her final years spending endless hours chatting at her bedside until she finally passed away aged 88. Four months after she lost her Mum, my friend was contacted by a lady saying she was her sister. Turns out her Mum had had a baby when she was around 18, who'd been given up for adoption and her Mum had never confided in her and my friend knew nothing about this at all.
Long story short they have met up and are now building a close relationship, getting to know each other etc, but my friend feels so cheated. She is now not the oldest sister anymore, and feels sad that she never had the chance to know her sister and that the sister missed out on so much as she was an only child within her adopted family.
Friend also had huge anger against her mother for not ever confiding in her as they were so close, especially in her last few years. Friend cannot understand why her mum didn't tell her even on her deathbed and she has had to have counselling about this sense of betrayal in order to deal with it all.
Good thing is she gets on great with the new sister who has been welcomed by all the family as none of it was her fault, so a happy ending, but a lot of regrets all round.
Secrets and lies always cause hurt.
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Post by damson on Feb 6, 2014 8:47:43 GMT
Dear Mayan
Difficult times have definitely made it possible for our children to talk about their worries and fears. Such a great shame that this is what has happened to you.
I got the family history bug from someone in the general chat board (!) and have been rootling about in my family, my husband's family and my adopted children's family. I discovered that DH has half sibs he has never met... but does he want to meet them? His mother never talked about his BF at all, and he felt it disloyal to look for him while she was alive.
To jmk's secrets and lies, I'd add silences, but I am not sure that it is always deliberate acts to mislead, more a sin of omission.
My mother reflected recently that she knew far more about her family history than her younger brother, as she had met more of the relatives, and also remembered the stories. I also suspect that women are major maintainers of family ties, so am less surprised that your brother knew but had not thought to tell you.
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Post by oysterbabe on Feb 6, 2014 16:47:22 GMT
Hi Mayan, lovely to read your story and that yourself and dd can have some chats about this, sad too about the passing of your half sister.
My sister is sure that my mother is holding onto a secret but as our relationship with her isn't that brilliant (understatement) I guess it could be a few more years before I'm privy to whatever has bugged her most of our lives. Whatever it is, has affected all our lives already in one way or another, so I guess I'm better off putting that to the back of my mind for another decade or two...
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Post by larsti on Feb 12, 2014 0:12:27 GMT
It all sounds so hard....hugs to you mayan49.
I always remember that during homestudy our SW told DH that his family background could help him understand an adopted child's sense of loss.
DH never knew one of his grandfathers who was believed to have married bigamously after his wife left him taking their son (who grew up to be DH's father if you are still with me!) with her. Some time after my FIL died my DH and his sister discovered they had a half aunt. She only found out her parents were not married after her mother died. So the bigamy story was not (quite) true!
The half aunt has been doing some genealogy and we now know our surname is actually the name of a great (or great great, I forget) grandmother who had an illegitimate son, so he took her name. So DH is still in the position really of having a quarter of his family history unavailable.
I am sure it is something that you can use (and are using) to help your DD. Not easy though. It is lovely to read that your DD is being sensitive to you.
Larsti x
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