|
|
Post by want2adopt on Jan 26, 2014 15:37:17 GMT
Ive also posted this in the adopters thread: Hi, I used to be a member of the 'other' original board, my name was Want_to_adopt from Northern Ireland... My husband and i need advise on what to do and where to go next. We were approved to adopt a sibling group. They came home to us in Feb. 2013. We were aware that we were fostering, but with a view to adopt. (This is NOT concurrent adoption) For the last year we have embraced family life with the children and taken them into our home and extended family. They have called us Mummy & Daddy from day one, and the eldest child (4 1/2 upon moving in, 5 1/2 now) has had life story work done, its all been explained to him (even before he came home to live with us) that we are his forever mummy and daddy. He has been told about adoption day, and the judge and what happens at court. That he will get a name change, and he will be ours forever. \e keeps asking us how to spell his surname (our name) as they are learning at school, and the surname he has isn't the same as ours. The Children aren't freed for adoption yet - that's the hardest bit. It is now been recommended that the children be fostered long term and not proceed to adoption  We need to know exactly where we stand. What does LT Fostering entail. Are there any legal rights we have to the children. The report states that if we cannot agree to LT fostering it is recommended that the children be removed from us. We are as you can imagine, are devastated and don't know where to turn. We have no idea what our options are and at the moment have been ‘left’ to think about things with only our link worker to help. She has been fantastic in supporting us but we feel the children's social worker has ‘given up’ already and has briefly spoken to us saying that (and i quote) ‘maybe this is a learning curve for the trust to change their policy of promising adoption before freeing’. We don't want to be an experiment for the trust, we came into this process over 4 years ago, wanting to adopt. we were approached about fostering but felt this wasn't right for us. Now we feel backed into a corner, we love these children as our own, they trust us, they have attached to us, and now we are expected to let this adoption go and to foster with no rights over them. Having to explain to our ‘son’ why we cant be his forever mummy and daddy just isn't right!!! He will never trust us, or anyone else again for that matter. We are devastated ... where can we turn ... |
|
|
|
Post by moo on Jan 26, 2014 15:57:35 GMT
Oh wow what an unbelievable mess...
Sadly I know the laws are very different in Ireland so can't really advise you .....
I think you need serious input from our wonderfully wise foster carers.... I know happyone ladsofbubs jollymummy imp et all really will know how to help you.....coz you have no placement order I don't think you can lodge the 'adoption order' papers with the courts coz they are not freed.... If you could that would stop ss taking the children off you....
The wise f/c will be here soon....
So sorry not to be of more help...
Hugs hugs & more hugs to you dh & your l/o 's{{{{{}}}}}
Xx. moo. Xx
|
|
|
|
Post by knight on Jan 26, 2014 15:59:25 GMT
Hi, I don't really have any advice and as they're not freed/have a placement Order, I'm guessing you are in exactly the same position as other FCs, ie where the SS can remove. It seems so wrong (yes, for you of course) but more importantly for your children that they have been bridged from their previous FC to you guys as their 'forever family' with all the prep that's gone into that. I saw on the other boards that you mention the author of the report is very well-respected and the judges tend to go along with the recommendations but I think as someone else said, the Judge does not have to and has his or her own view. Do you have Guardian's in NI? It sounds as though the children are subject to court proceedings. After this 'evidence' in the form of an expert's report, has the Court directed a Guardian's report. It may be that the 'expert' hasn't been fully filled in on how these children have been prepared for coming to you and what damage it will now do to them, especially your son. It is all about what's in the children's best interests (or should be) so can you speak to the Guardian before their report is in; surely the Guardian would come out to see the children before finalising his/her report anyway. Even with expert evidence, there is usually an enormous amount of sway in fact on the Guardian's report so it might be better it you can get in there first and speak to him/her, so to speak. Expert evidence is one-sided (eg presumably commissioned by the birth parents); the Guardian is independent of everyone, parents and LA - priority is the children??
It's so very sad for all of you to hear that you've been put in this situation. They shouldn't be experimenting: this is real lives, real parents, real children. The LA presumably felt prior to changing their placement to you that the plan was for adoption rather than LTFC.
x
|
|
|
|
Post by nomoretears on Jan 26, 2014 16:53:15 GMT
Hi, I've seen your post on the adoption Uk site and sadly I have little to add to the advice offered there.
I'm afraid I don't really understand the difference between concurrent adoption and fostering to adopt - in my LA both terms are used interchangeably.
I can't believe a number of things that have been allowed to happen here, before a placement order is granted - that the children have been told you are their mummy and daddy, that they believe you are their forever family (foster carers aren't allowed to refer to "forever families" here even when a child is moving to their adoptive parents), that they have gone through the traumas of adoption preparation... It's a disgrace (I'm absolutely NOT referring to you there Want2adopt).
Long term fostering would mean that social services remain in your lives, that you would have to seek permission from them for things you wouldn't if you had parental responsibility, that you can't change the children's names to yours, that contact with birth family would be ongoing...
An alternative is Special Guardianship (which my own LA would be forcing you to take as its often unpaid, as opposed to long term foster care). I have my own reservations about that but in your case it does sound a good compromise.
I'm so sorry for you all that this sad situation has been allowed to occur.
|
|
|
|
Post by imp on Jan 26, 2014 16:58:01 GMT
I really feel for you, but as you realise, you have virtually no legal rights, though loads of moral ones.
I don't know how it all works in NI. Is there the status of 'Special Guardianship'---which is a half way house between Long Term fostering and adoption. It gives you far more responsibility, though you do still have to acknowledge the parents, and agree to limited contact---which is usually arranged between you and them---without the involvement of SS.
What has been explained to you about Long Term Fostering, again, it may be different to here, so not sure exactly what the restraints would be.
|
|
|
|
Post by loadsofbubs on Jan 27, 2014 8:57:50 GMT
I have replied earlier on the other site but another thought occurs to me, what would be the worst outcome for you and for the children? I know you don't want ltfc, I know you feel cheated by the things that have been said and done, but ultimately do you want to raise these children yourself or are you prepared to lose them on a matter of principle?
I have had a child removed from my care that I looked after for 3 years, more than three years even, I had no say though with hindsight there were things I maybe could have done differently, but if I had had the opportunity over again I would have done anything to keep her and raise her myself.
I have been tormented over the last year by thoughts of the hurt and confusion she will have gone through by being removed and placed with strangers, and becoz I've not been allowed to see her since.
I think really at this point in time that's the bottom line for you, are you prepared to be hurt in this way yourselves by saying you don't want ltfc and risk the children being removed, and are you prepared for the additional pain to the children by being removed becoz you don't want to agree to ltfc and I cannot over state how awful you would feel to have been a part of that decision even if only becoz you did not want to ltfc rather than adopt?
Not meaning to sound harsh here, but having had a child removed it really is the most awful awful experience I have ever had in my life (I have had 8 months of counselling and that is still ongoing) and would not wish that on you or your children when for you it is hopefully preventable by adjusting your expectations. they have only been with you a year and its very possible that over time with different social workers that plans could change again and you are then encouraged to get a different kind of order, maybe you never get to adoption and name changes but maybe you get to a point where you have parental responsibility through a different order? but even if the plans never change and they remain in ltfc with you there is nothing to stop them calling you mum and dad, to their minds you are more than likely to remain their mum and dad.
I just have concerns that by being so very anti the ltfc plans and so visibly upset by them that you're going to end up losing them when you really don't want to. it shouldn't be the case but for now it is, but I think you might need to 'play the game' for now. the longer they are with you the more rights you have so, in my opinion anyway, it may be best to agree to the plans, you don't have to like them, but you do need to go along with them.
I think it is going to be easier (not easy, just easier) to explain to these children that other people have made decisions about them that you cant change but that they are staying with you than it would be to explain that other people have made decisions about them and that they are now going to have to move again and leave you.
And I really really hope things go well for you, I have been there and my nightmare came true, I pray that yours doesn't.
|
|
|
|
Post by imp on Jan 27, 2014 10:00:38 GMT
What a lot of sense lobs, though from a very difficult experience of your own
Want2adopt, lobs really does know what she is talking about, could you do as she suggests?
|
|
|
|
Post by want2adopt on Jan 27, 2014 13:01:25 GMT
Hi, thanks all for your replies of advice.
Under NO circumstances are we prepared to let these children go.
So, no, we are not going to give them up and will LTFC if we have to.
We don't want to, but its a case of what will be will be.
We just want to know our rights, get some advice, get support for what we are going through.
We have wanted nothing more than a family of our own.
We are grieving for the family we may now never be.
We have embraced life with these children, not just us, but our 2 birth daughters, and granny and granddads.
I KNOW things wont change in the fact that we love them.
But we have to explain to our son why when for the last year he has been told he will have our name, been explained all in his life story work that we will be his new FOREVER mummy and daddy, when there is every chance that the older siblings WILL try for kinship, so they are NOT as secure as they thought they would be.
Contact with the other siblings is weekly .... if we LTFC we WILL have to abide by their rules too.
Birth mum contact is monthly, we will have to abide by that too.
This is not what we envisaged for the rest of our lives. Contact meeting place is 45 min drive away, and an hour and half session, and 45 min home. All this happens on a school night, mid week.
Its not easy, and we have struggled with this the past year, but there was always light at the end of the tunnel. Now there is darkness as we reside to the fact that this will be our future if we want to keep the children (which we DO)
We are just grieving for the family life we were promised, but now lost.
Heartbroken, devastated and lost ALL faith in the system.
|
|
|
|
Post by loadsofbubs on Jan 27, 2014 15:21:02 GMT
I can understand your frustration and the loss of faith in the system, mine is beginning to return a year later but I am still very very wary of sw's and the things they say particularly when its given a 'will happen' rather than a 'might happen'. to be honest they should never have been telling the children you were their forever family before the legal processes were concluded, but you cant undo what has been done only work with what you've been given.
so, you're in the place where you'll do anything to keep these children, I would still be treading carefully and much as it will gall you to do it 'talk the talk' so to speak, tell them (sw's) what they want to hear, save the what you want to tell them (or do to them!) for a later date when you're more secure in your position as ltfc's.
These children are lac, as lac the sw should be telling them the change of plans not you, its their responsibility, particularly given the circumstances this has happened in, to tell these children that their plans have changed so much. you will still need to support that discussion and will still need to deal with the fallout, but their sw should do the telling.
Didn't happen with me and my LO, it was left to me to break the news to her and the sw's didn't do any kind of life story work with her until very recently, almost a year after she'd moved and then only becoz of the serious complaint I'd put in (and had upheld) about how and why she was removed. LO was absolutely distraught before the move, but of course no one saw that becoz they didn't do the telling, and after her move all the signs of distress she showed were misunderstood or ignored and put down to poor care with me and not to the enormous trauma she'd just been through becoz of the inexperience of the sw and the ignorance of the new fc's.
And often with ltfc contact reduces substantially. weekly contact in a long term placement is not usually seen as in a childs best interests, at some point in the future you may be able to influence a reduction in that. make sure you log all reactions to contact, before, during and after.
Anyway, beyond the advice on the other board re SGO and seeing a solicitor I don't have any other advice, but you are assured of support even if its only 'virtual' support.
|
|
|
|
Post by moo on Jan 29, 2014 7:13:14 GMT
Hope you are getting some answers... You have been treated sooo badly...
Hugs to you all {{{}}}
Xx. moo. Xx
|
|
