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Post by knight on Jan 10, 2014 20:22:08 GMT
Hi lovely ladies (and guys!!)
I hope you don't mind me jumping on this board for a bit but I would value your thoughts please?
I understand how these days work, so that's ok. I'm also prepared for the emotional rollercoaster (might change that view as the time approaches!!) - I'm scheduled to go on a few of these in February and March. (As an aside, I haven't made my mind up on the number/proximity in time of them but that's another matter).
I have gained the impression from various websites (including BAAF,the National Adopter Register and generally some LAs acrossthe country) that you will not see a single, white child under 3 at these events - that doesn't concern me as I'm looking for achild aged 4, 5, 6. What does worry me is that it feels as though it's for 'harder to place' children: now, my age range comes into that category, as do sibling groups but I'm worried from what I've read is whether the children and/or just their profiles are there because they have been waiting so very long (eg due tocomplex behavioural/medical needs). I anticipate the possibility that the child the FC and SW see is all subject to change whenfaced with the huge upheaval of leaving FC after 18months+ but I don't really want the starting point to be a child with complex behavioural issues. If there's a mix of children who have waited a long time with children who haven't but the child's SW is using these Days as another tool to family find - fine, but if that isn't the case, I wonder whether I should delay going and letthe SW/FF get to work first (although it is the SW who has brought the list of dates/venues for me).
Tks
Knight x
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Post by swimchic on Jan 11, 2014 9:26:25 GMT
I would go and see. If you don't you'll never know.
Pink was just 4 when she came home ( been home almost 5 months) and though we didn't get her via an activity/ exchange day she was older then we had originally planned.
But, I am so very, very glad that we went for her. We do have a complex contact with siblings, however, when you know the ins and outs, we support the contact. She doesn't have health or behaviour issues and educationally she is doing very well.
Please pm me if you would like to chat about this and good luck with everything.
Swimchic
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Post by knight on Jan 11, 2014 10:47:26 GMT
Hi
Tks for your replies. Toko - you know, funny you say that - I've actually met and played with the 2 boys who were found on the activity day a few times and they are simply delightful, lovely little boys (and if I was looking for a boy, I truly would have no hesitation in having either of them): so it is reassuring in that sense as I've met real children found in that way but not a 'single' child. So if 'my' child was there for the same reasons (ie because older in the same way as the sibs were there for being sibs) - I'd find that reassuring. I wonder if when it comes to it, one of the questions of her SW should be: how long have you been FF for her and if it seems quite a long time, ask as to the reasons for that (as you say, it might just be that the right match say for geographical reasons, wasn't found in her LA) - or would that be too full on? Would her SW be as upfront? (would I be so taken with the child that I'd forget to ask!!?)
Swimchic, as you say, I probably should go and see as otherwise I'd never know and 'my' child could be there. What I think I'm drawn to on the Activity Days as opposed to the Exch Days is that you do get to meet/play with the children and get a feel for them and by the same token, I like the idea of the Exch Day as if you like the profile, you can see a video there and then; as opposed to if your own SW brings a profile and then another etc - you might feel under more pressure if (say) you keep saying no to eventually say yes, albeit not for the right reasons.
You're right - some of the things I feel I can cope with others may not, and vice versa.
Thank you x
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Post by flowerpower on Jan 11, 2014 12:03:31 GMT
We went to one pre match and It was a very mixed group of LO some were hard to place due to problems and some needed to be out of area I remember one LO had a eye problem and that made her hard to place but when I read her profile the eye problem was just a miner thing and some were large sibling group so go, and let us know what you think. good luck with journey
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Post by serrakunda on Jan 11, 2014 21:56:56 GMT
I'd bear in mind that children may have been seen as hard to place or waiting a long time for reasons other than them having loads of 'issues'. Simba wasn't taken into care until he was turned 4, which is starting to put him into hard to place simply because of his age and being a boy. He has MLD and autism but presents me with a lot fewer problems than many children adopted at a younger age. By the time he was processed through the system and the plan for adoption made he was seen as hard to adopt as much for his age, ethnicity and gender as the other stuff. I'm sure there will children who have difficult issues but that may not be the only reason they are there
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Post by daffin on Jan 11, 2014 22:27:19 GMT
Hi Knight. There's an article in the Family section of today's Guardian on activity days. It's quite a sympathetic portrayal.
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Post by imp on Jan 11, 2014 22:34:37 GMT
Go. please do. I have a LO who, on paper, is not so appealing, but just wait til you see the video and talk to me. True, LO not without some issues, but no where near as bad as they appear on paper (which is why LO currently 'hard to place' Personally I am in favour of exchange days, with videos, FCs and profiles, but not activity days
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Post by knight on Jan 11, 2014 23:19:59 GMT
Thanks Daffin, that is a very interesting article. I guess watching the documentary next week will also help to reassure me to see that there are simply varying degrees of 'harder' to place.
Imp, that's one of the things I'm really looking forward to - is speaking to the child's social worker and talking to fosters carers more so. So, do you go to the Exchange Days (as well as the Activity days)?? I didn't realise that, if you do - even better. Are you encouraged to be frank? I don't mean telling all warts but at least are you allowed to tell some things in a gritty way as well as all the positives? Do you get prospective parents asking you lots of specific questions or are they just chit chat questions?? Is it seen as a negative if prospectives ask more than less questions?
Thanks Serrakunda and flowerpower for your replies too. It just helps me to get it all into perspective. I was very excited when I was first given the days, which quickly turned into trepidation and questioning the merits of going; I do feel a bit more reassured - there's nothing to lose and possibly everything to gain!! I think post-approval is when the rollercoaster is really going to intensify....!!!
x
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Post by imp on Jan 12, 2014 1:36:11 GMT
Our LA don't do Activity days, and the upcoming Exchange day--with video, is the first one that we FCs have been involved in. I am intending to be as I am when I have a first meeting with prospective adopters, bring the child 'alive' I would hope that adopters would ask me specific questions---otherwise I will 'natter' for ever!!!!
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Post by moo on Jan 12, 2014 7:36:52 GMT
Great thread knight....
I think you should deffo go.... As others have said 'hard to place' really is a cover all.... Could just be age, ethnicity,gender, or learning diffs.....
Also I have often heard of prospectives going, being interested in a specific child found there, & then finishing the process with child specific approval .... The match as been deemed that perfect!!
Or in other instances I know of adopters meeting s/w & s/w having another child on their books who will be going to be placed for adoption, who is a perfect match & that then leads to a match that prolly would not have been found otherwise!!
So as you can see it is a way of you gaining experience & for s/w to meet you.... They may have other children they are family finding for or the team they work in does & your details could be forwarded on that way....
The only neg in my experience is you fall in love & run the risk of heartbreak.... But as we all know this process is tuff with a capital T....
Good Luck... Be sure to hunt out imp her littlie sounds absolutely gorgeous!!!
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by esty (archive) on Jan 12, 2014 13:08:29 GMT
I have two very hard to place AS and both ae a delight. Both hard work for differing reasons but if you met them out of that context with one you'd never realise. For getting children seen for who they are I'd say activity days great but from the child's pripspectivenid need to know more how they feel and what is actually done to support them.
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Post by esty (archive) on Jan 12, 2014 13:11:26 GMT
I'm sat in a freezing cold gym watching youngest son free run hence my inability to type as my fingers are frozen. Activity days for really seeing the child not their history. From the child's perspective I'm not sure.
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Post by imp on Jan 12, 2014 13:34:05 GMT
It will be interesting to see if anyone from here will be at 'my' exchange day, though obviously depends on location
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Post by knight on Jan 12, 2014 13:39:36 GMT
Thanks all for your input. Imp, I'll PM you x
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Post by knight on Jan 12, 2014 13:59:56 GMT
Oh Esty, I just remembered: from what I've read and what my SW said - the littlies are too young to understand so it's very much a fun-packed day with their FC there; bouncy castle -type, kids entertainer and so on. For the older ones who can understand and cope with it, it's explained to them but in a very positive way (I gather, if they felt a LO might not cope, generally anxious anyway, that child wouldn't go). It's put in a way that the children appreciate (as much as a young one can) that the SWs etc are doing all they can to find their forever family; they're reassured they are going home with FCs; we're told not to ask any pointed questions (or ask FC anything if the child happens to be close-by which makes sense of course). The reason my SW reassured me was because a few weeks back I said I didn't feel I would be able to go, it would break my heart to see a kiddy or two that none of the adults where playing with/showing interest in, how would it make that child feel seeing other adults playing with other kids but not them, etc., I said obviously I'd play with children even if that child didn't fall into my age range and she said exactly, that is what's encouraged. So, it does sound positive but from a prospectives point of view, I'm very alive (and dreading this side of it really) if I fall in love with a child but either other prospectives are favoured which of course is entirely likely especially as I'm single (altho that might be a positive for that particular child) etc.
The article Daffin pointed to really brings it 'alive' from a FC point of view, in that case, the boys were 5 and 7 and they were taken to several days but either no interest or some interest which didn't progress. That's got to be hard as I expect many FCs regard the LOs as 'theirs' - gosh, I couldn't do that.
x
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Post by swimchic on Jan 12, 2014 14:31:41 GMT
Wednesday Channel 4, 10pm... "finding Mum and Dad" all about activity days...It maybe worth a watch. There is a lot about this in the media at the mo..
Swimchic x
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Post by knight on Mar 8, 2014 22:31:32 GMT
Ok, so an update for future prospectives who are thinking about going to one of these events. It sounds as if I'm being a bit down on it but I did take some positives away with me: we're all different and different things work for different people of course.
Activity Day: I thought that with how I relate very easily to/with children and vice versa that I would just get 'stuck in' and play with kids, even if it was a child who didn't fit my approval criteria. How wrong I was! It is horses for courses: some people will really take to these; others won't. So, some people were very good at playing with the children but the majority of people (me included, to my surprise) found it hard and therefore easier to stand on the sidelines. It was also tricky to try to find the right time to try to engage with a child: in normal life, kids are taught not to talk to strangers and we avoid talking to children who are without an adult. It was helpful though to see the children engaging with others.
One of the "don't do's" was not to monopolise a child(ren) but unfortunately some ignored that. I was talking to a FC about one little girl; the girl then approached us, followed in hot pursuit by a prospective adopter: the little girl and I had a very brief chat before this other lady blocked her from talking to me (literally) ~ all very peculiar. She probably thought that because she'd engaged with her that she was now hers. Of course we all know that's not how it works. My SW said that I could of course still express an interest even though I was blocked from engaging and that I could be considered more suitable than the other lady (didn't feel strongly enough to do that). A couple I'm friendly with felt exactly the same as me (and observed some of the behaviours of the adults today!!)
I'm sure others will come along (now or in the future) and hopefully add to this thread in a positive light. Certainly Daisy & DH found their boys at an Activity Day (and they are truly delightful). It's just another method of family finding so it's whatever works for all involved for sure.
All of the above said, I don't regret going at all. It was incredibly helpful/informative to take myself off and talk to the people who knew most about these kids. So I talked with one child's FC + SW. They talked positively about the improvements made by the child but I was very pleasantly surprised to hear them being very open/frank about the issues (health and otherwise), which clarified some aspects of my matching criteria for me, so extremely helpful). I then spoke with the FC of the girl mentioned earlier who again was frank about some of the issues - so helpful to give you realistic information at the very earliest opportunity.
I am so glad (as a singlie) that my SW came to support me. I had told her several times previously that I was happy for her to just wander, leave me and catch up with me from time to time: when it came to it, apart from when I was happy to go off and talk to the FC & Children's SWs, I didn't want her to leave my side!!!! She really was brilliant.
As an observer of how the children might perceive the day: they all looked to be having a lot of fun, with different activities, bouncy castle, bubbles, balls, dancing, entertainer, food - all with the security of their foster carers - so that side was very positive indeed.
Exchange Days: are probably the way for me to go; along with my SW's family finding efforts within the smaller consortium hubs.
Anyway, hopefully this thread can help others (JMK: are you able to move this please to say the prospectives section for future ref?)
x
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2014 22:50:08 GMT
Wow, sounds like a bit of an eye opener Knight. The kids were ok but the adults were not. Very strange behaviour.
So glad they didn't have activity days when I was adopting, not sure I'd have liked them, who knows.
I still prefer Imp's ideas, where you meet the FC's and see some photo's/Dvd's rather than see them in the flesh.
So glad your SW was there to support you. It must be doubly hard as a singlie.
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Post by knight on Mar 8, 2014 23:18:59 GMT
Hi JMK, Yes, my friends who saw her said it was just "desperate" behaviour - but I suppose there's 2 ways to interpret that: desperate (as in: she sees the child as being "hers" now, keeping others away: even though the booklet says don't think you're linked just because you've played with/expressed an interest in a child); or desperate because she's been looking for so long and feels it may never happen, which I can understand too.
Anyway, I'm with you: I too much prefer Imp's idea of FCs being @ the Exch Days - I might email NAR to find out if some might be for the upcoming one. In fairness, I kind of treated today like an Exchange Day, focusing on chatting with the FC/SWs.
x
PS Tks for moving the thread x
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Post by knight on Mar 8, 2014 23:44:15 GMT
Oh and for future ref: I recognised a few of the children from BMP - so if you see a child in BMP and there's an Activity Day coming up in the shown area - there might be a chance that the child is taken to the Activity Day.
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Post by moo on Mar 9, 2014 5:41:34 GMT
Great to read your thoughts & experience of the activity days.... I like Jmk would have found this very hard.... Deffo would have loved meeting f/c with particular littlies tho....
Strange strange behaviour by that woman .... Was she a singlie & felt she had to claim & stay in ' control'.... It would be very interesting to find out if it put the s/w off with her behaviour ?... ( especially coz others would never have been able to 'meet' the child - begs the Q " how huge her upset if she get a no.....") very dangerous to get so attached to a l/o.....
Thanx for sharing....
xx. moo. Xx
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2014 8:03:41 GMT
Mmmmh the more I'm reading about these days, the more I dislike them. It sounds a bit like speed dating, get chatting, if you like what you see, stay there and keep others away - sounds horrible. Why did no one in charge intervene and ask this lady to move on and give others a chance? If you noticed, why did the people in charge not notice? It really makes me feel uncomfortable.
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Post by knight on Mar 9, 2014 10:55:07 GMT
There were A LOT of people, spread across 3 halls effectively so it's not that easy. Me and the FC were in a busy corridor talking when the child followed by prospective joined us so it was only obvious to me and FC. Those who didn't speak to FCs, very much lost out in my opinion because it's all well and good playing with a little child(ren) - but then to hear the background early doors, opens yours eyes as to what you can/can't deal with and whether or not you could actually parent this child (rather than the adorable child you have spent time with). In fairness to the majority, they were more like me and my friends; observing (which can be just as, or more, eye opening than getting caught up in the moment playing). Yes JMK - that's why it made me feel uncomfortable: I thought because the focus is 'play', it seems ok but I wouldn't go up to a random child in Wacky Warehouse or wherever and start playing with her. I have to say there were a few UTTERLY adorable littlies who I did engage with, far too cute: I wish my circumstances were such that I could have a littlie ; I have never minded the nappy, waking up several times a night stage and just sitting there with a babe in arms until they wake, oh yes: anyway, back on track; it has reinforced that I'd prefer the younger end of my fairly narrow age range. x
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Post by knight on Mar 9, 2014 15:04:49 GMT
Absolutely Madrid. The staff DID explain in detail (+ paperwork instructions before) the 'rules' so to speak which the majority did take on board, hey ho.
Exchange Days are the way to go for me along with my LA's family finding efforts of course. I can't emphasise enough the benefit of having the FCs there and the child's SW. All told re: any enquiries I've made, I've been met with open SWs, giving harsh information so, which impresses me so much: this has to work for the adopters and the child and that can only work with honesty. x
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Post by moo on Mar 9, 2014 17:59:42 GMT
Do let us know knight if any s/w come back to you as a direct result of meeting you at one of these sessions....
Fingers Crossed xx
xx. moo. Xx
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goat
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Post by goat on Mar 9, 2014 21:58:52 GMT
Interesting thoughts Knight. I like the fact that you can see a positive in them, even though they weren't for you.
The first time I met my Son, he was dressed as a pirate, and we bounced together on a castle for ages ( no blocking involved, honest!)
For us, it was a wonderful experience, and led to our LO coming home, but I totally empathise that its not always going to suit everyone.
I wish you luck finding your child. x
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Post by knight on Mar 9, 2014 22:07:08 GMT
Absolutely Goat: I met a couple last week who met their boy at an Activity Day; my SW said the dynamics of the last one were better as it was summer, so more outdoors. I'll see how I feel in the Summer (unless I've found my chick in the meantime)!!
How are you guys getting on? x
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Post by amberle on Apr 15, 2014 17:44:47 GMT
Hi, we went on an activity day last weekend and I can safely say. I am glad we did, . Although at times it was all a little overwhelming for us..the kids there had a great time, we got to meet some great SW's and FC's and obviously great kids. Speaking with one SW towards the end,they said they found it great as some of the PA's had enquirer about children that they had not expected them too..and that every child there had someone enquire about them. So in my mind all very worth while..and as I said the kids had a whale of a time. Face painting, playing tag with all the adults, fancy dress and a party lunch..what's not to like. I completely understand that it s not for everyone but we were very fortunate that everyone there seemed to enjoy it.
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Post by knight on Jun 28, 2014 20:02:45 GMT
Ok then, an update: I went to another one today (same venue, same staff, much of the same activities) - but the difference is that the child's SWs "introduced" me to the LOs which gave them the 'permission' to play with a complete stranger (older child, so that does make a difference) + FC encouraging and supporting too. Still able to talk to FCs and child SWs about the LOs but this day certainly had a different 'feel' than the last one. One LO was something of a set-up (as her SW had seen my profile within our consortium and asked about me, sent LOs profile to my SW: both SWs had briefly discussed child/me and that we'd both be at Activity Day so could meet then etc). She was a little darling, all appropriate play (ie looking to FC for approval before doing something; opened up a little the more we played, read her a story, etc); single FC so nice transition to a single adopter. Will swap reports on Monday so fingers crossed her SW is still interested in me after reading my PAR (although my SW has given her the gist about me; and LOs SW has given me the gist about LO, nothing concerning other than the things we'd expect to hear but certainly positives too). Anyway, off on a tangent there. Saw a couple of couples from our Prep and this was probably their first. Spoke to one of the couples who seemed to feel the same way I felt my first time: but this one was much better. For me, the opportunity to spend a little bit of time with a child, I know it's only a tiny snapshot but it's still good as if it goes further, FC and SW can say to LO "do you remember X" then showing her the intro book and for me, less worrying "what if" I can't get her to engage, etc.? x
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Post by chotimonkey on Jun 28, 2014 20:11:50 GMT
Ooh exciting times... Keep us posted
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